The Ballad of F**k a Doodle Doo

They're big, they're long, they've all got massive schlongs! Regulaaaaaar Featurrrrrres! Steve risks his life to illegally drive a car, Log's dog is acting up and God only knows what Matt was talking about but it goes on for AGES.

Episode Call Sheet

Cast Member Feature Being Performed
Steve Hogarty "Steve's Monday"
Jon "Log" Blyth "My Excuses For Not Being Here Last Week"
Matt Lees "Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! That's bollocks!"

Script

MATT
Hello, and welcome to episode a hundred and eight…
LOG
Eight.
MATT
…of Regular Features.
LOG
Features.
MATT
Hundred… Who ate… Who…
LOG
Who…
MATT
one hundred and eight all the pies?
STEVE
Sev… Hundred… Because a hundred and seven a hundred and eight a hundred and nine.
LOG
Yeah.
MATT
That's two jokes in one. I'm just going to nudge the chair of microphone desk thing.
LOG
If you can hear carpet sounds that's because Matt's making them with chair legs on the carpet.
MATT
I think I was quite smooth, quite smooth. We're in, obviously, Studio Steve.
LOG
Well…
MATT
It's quite good today actually, this is really good.
STEVE
It is. The microphone is propped on a chair in my living room in a continuing effort to get closer to it with each passing podcast.
LOG
And we're all… And we're all so close to it that we might… if we all stuck our tongues out full distance we could waggle them around and create a tri-circle of…
STEVE
Oh.
LOG
…of saliva.
STEVE
Which, when viewed from above, would look like a fancy BBC ident.
LOG
Like the one with the dogs…
MATT
"Ding, ding, ding!"
LOG
…the dogs weaving in and out of the poles.
STEVE
Yeah, or the polar bears swimming in a circle. No, hippos! Hippos!
MATT
"Hello, and welcome to BBC2".
LOG
Argh! You made a mistake about a BBC ident!
STEVE
J'oh!
LOG
Argh!
MATT
"Next up on BBC2 we have a programme about three men tonguing each other from a helicopter."
STEVE
"Dang, dang, dang."
• JINGLE •
"Regular Features, Regular Features, what is the feature coming next? Let us see - Version 2"
• FEATURE •
"Steve's Monday"
Written and Performed by
Steve Hogarty
★ Rate This Feature ★
STEVE
Now it's time for Steve's Regular Feature which is well and truly lubed - err, "Steve's… Monday"
LOG
Well…
STEVE
It's all about the day I had on Monday.
LOG
Given that it's Tuesday today…
MATT
That's the degree of preparation.
LOG
Yeah!
MATT
You've spent the whole of yesterday preparing for this.
LOG
You've had real… A lotta… You've had a night to let the facts of your feature sink in.
STEVE
Yes, so this is what happened for me yesterday. I was… had a fun day and I thought I just want to tell you about it. I think I've already told you bits of it 'cos I got so excited while it was happening…
MATT
Mmmm.
STEVE
…but, I went…
LOG
Are you… are you about to confess?
MATT
Well, the thing is, it should need to be a confession, because anybody with any rudimentary knowledge of Regular Features will be able to piece together the story quite quickly.
STEVE
Yeah. Should I admit this on the podcast?
MATT
Well, the thing is, I don't know, I mean…
LOG
Yeah.
MATT
You'll… You'll probably be fine.
STEVE
I don't think I broke any laws!
LOG
We… We… Well, let's do the feature and let the readers decide if Steve broke any laws.
STEVE
Basically, I lied about having a full driver's license…
LOG
Oh well, you… you sank your plums into the feature there!
STEVE
…in order to drive a high-end sports car around a race track.
MATT
That's a base plum-crumble, and no mistake!
LOG
Was it on private property?
STEVE
It was on private property.
LOG
So, you weren't breaking the criminal law.
STEVE
No.
MATT
You were just breaking a trust.
STEVE
There was probably a form that I signed that says "Please don't lie about your driving qualifications or ability before getting in the front of the cars".
MATT
Maybe if you destroyed a car in the process of doing this, then you'd be in a lot of trouble, but as it turns out, you're probably getting away with it like a cheeky monkey.
LOG
There's probably a lot of, errm, may they say, insurance issues that any relevant P.R. might be furious about, but not… because nothing happened.
STEVE
Well…
LOG
Why would anyone care?
STEVE
What's the worse that could happen?
LOG
Hang on, why don't we tell… why don't we tell…
STEVE
What?
LOG
Let's… Maybe we could delve deep into, quickly…
MATT
The readers?
LOG
…plunging too far into this feature.
STEVE
What would happen if my life was a sitcom and I often believe that it is, you guys!
LOG
I often respond to an invisible camera myself.
STEVE
The title sequence would now play, and we'd go back in time and we'd start early in the day because an in… Another interesting thing, as… maybe it's not interesting, do you know those… still have the…
LOG
I'm glad you don't know!
STEVE
We're gonna… We're gonna find out! Errm, you know in airports they have those full body… the nudie scanners that take nudie pictures of you, and…
MATT
Yeah, I do.
LOG
And someone comes out from, err, a room and says…
MATT
You could say I've… I interact with them.
STEVE
Ah!
LOG
"Sir! Sir! Is this your penis? Err, we've seen your penis on a screen. We just need to verify that it belongs to you! Me and the guys have been checking out your penis! And…"
STEVE
'Cos, yeah, the can see, basically, your penis.
LOG
Yeah.
MATT
Yeah, they can.
STEVE
Basically, your penis.
LOG
As we've established with that conversation we've just had.
STEVE
And they… they say that the images aren't stored and it's all… There's no…
MATT
They can print them out and suck the… if you want, you know?
STEVE
…privacy concerns and stuff, and it's like, they've proven that people do save them and they laugh at them, and there's probably a Tumblr blog…
MATT
Really?
STEVE
…of them. Yeah, well, they lost.. The T.S.A. in America - they fucking lost all the information and stuff.
MATT
Oh, bad people.
STEVE
And who the fuck trusts… is going to trust…
LOG
They lost it, or they lost into the cloud?
STEVE
Yeah, they just uploaded it to iCloud.
MATT
Because, basically, you're being asked to trust humans you don't know which is an inherently, like, no.
STEVE
Yeah. And it's like, I don't… I don't think it's a… it's a necessary line of defence…
MATT
Mind you…
LOG
Well, I think the kind of person who applies for a job checking out dicks is not to be trusted.
STEVE
Exactly.
MATT
"Why do you have… Why do you think you have experience in the… the field of checking out dicks?"
LOG
"Well, I've spent a lot of time on Grindr, sir and it's very, very… I've got a lot… a… a huge stash of dicks."
STEVE
So, I've done this opting out thing, errm, three or four times before in American airports.
MATT
Do they take note of it, do you think then?
STEVE
Err, the… the first time I did it, they were weird and abrasive and didn't like the fact that I'd done it and they were asking me a lot about why I didn't want to go through the machine…
MATT
Mmmm.
STEVE
…and then they took me aside and they patted me down and they sent me on my way. But then the second two times I think they'd been trained in it and they'd been told that people are allowed to not go through the machine…
LOG
Right, right.
STEVE
…and they were courteous and professional. They took me aside and they did the pat down. They said "Now I'm going to do this, I'm going to run my fingers around the"…
MATT
Phwoar!
STEVE
…"your bell end and up your…" do all that stuff but then…
LOG
Maybe it would be nicer if they walked your fingers around the bits that need to be checked like, err, sort of little person walking up and down your inner thighs.
STEVE
Maybe he's, like, stopping to inspect!
LOG
Yeah, leaning in and having a sniff of certain areas with… with their knuckles.
MATT
I've heard a rumour that they don't get maximum points unless they can do it all in one line so they have to, like, run your finger up your chest, behind your ears…
STEVE
That's like a puzzle game.
MATT
and then back down.
STEVE
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
MATT
Up your arse then back round.
STEVE
And you're not allowed to cross any line that you've crossed before.
MATT
Yeah, no, you're not. You're not allowed to crossing lines and you're not allowed to remove the finger from the body at any point.
STEVE
Yep.
MATT
It's quite difficult.
STEVE
But this time, in… in Gatwick, they had… they had them on the way out, and I was like, they pulled me aside, so I had to go through this machine and I said to the man who told me to go through the machine. "Oh, can I opt out and go for a pat-down instead?" And he goes "Just go stand over there!" and he was a fucking… he was a big dick…
LOG
Mmmm.
STEVE
…and, err, I went to the woman who told me to take off my shoes before I did the machine and it was like "Oh, can I opt out of this machine and get a pat down?" And she said "Oh, I don't think you can do that. Errm, go and ask the man over there" - the man who had just shouted at me. So I walked back over to him and he was like "Stand over the"… He's shouting at me.
MATT
Yeah.
STEVE
"Stand over there! I'm trying to get these men to… these guys to come through this…" I was, like "Alright. I've… I've been told to go between these two people." So, with my back to the woman, and then, she went to get a supervisor, and they were all like… what, like, they were just annoyed and confused at the fact that someone had said that they didn't want to go through the machine and, err, this guy, the supervisor shows up in a suit and he's like "Okay, so I understand you've got a problem?" So "No, I just… I just… I don't… I'm not going to go through the machine. Just give me a pat down." It's… He was "Why don't you want to go through the machine?" "Privacy concerns." "So, right, well it might be a while before we can get someone to come see you."
LOG
Why didn't… "You pat me down now, babes!"
STEVE
"Just pat me down right now!" But then it was like thirty seconds they just went and grabbed someone and took me into a little private room…
LOG
Ohh.
STEVE
…and, err, and… and… did the search there and then wrote my name down and stuff.
MATT
Not to feel like fucking 1984 and all that, but a big problem of how these things happen is when you just… you have a… an employee workforce that have just been told that this is how things are done.
STEVE
Yeah.
MATT
But then you just have humans just happily just going "Well, why… why are you being weird about this weird thing that…"
STEVE
Yeah.
MATT
It's like people forget that what you're being asked to do as a human is weird and when you've got a bunch of…
STEVE
That is… Yeah, it is a strange thing.
MATT
People who didn't invent the idea, to then say "Well, it's normal. You've got to do it because it's part of their job."
STEVE
"'Cos that's… that's what everyone does."
LOG
"My boss wouldn't tell me to do it if it was weird, sir!"
MATT
Yeah.
STEVE
Yeah.
MATT
Yeah. Like, the idea… the idea that's it like "Oh, you don't want to go through a scanner that sees you naked? Oh, Jesus! But everyone does it?"
LOG
"Look… look at all those people going through it, sir. Why… why aren't you them?"
STEVE
"Yeah, why do you think you're better than them? Do you know something that they don't know?"
MATT
It's like when you give it to somebody as a job, but then just becomes, like, they don't even question whether or not it's… like, they just see it as an inconvenience. Somebody doesn't work there…
STEVE
Yeah, yeah.
MATT
…and it's like, "Ah, you don't want to do that? Oh, fine. Oh, got to go and get… got to go and get a guy who likes touching men out of his cupboard."
LOG
They… Yeah, it has to be someone who gains pleasure from it otherwise it's not legal.
MATT
It's true! But, yeah.
STEVE
That was the… That was the first strange thing that happened to me on the trip.
MATT
That wasn't the illegal thing though, was it?
STEVE
That wasn't the illegal thing. Then, I got on the… I got on the flight and I got a really good seat on the plane which was, err…
LOG
One seat.
STEVE
…one seat, which I think is the best seat on an EasyJet flight. You get to see into the cockpit when they're boarding the plane. You can see all the buttons and stuff.
LOG
What?
STEVE
Yeah, they don't lock the door until…
LOG
How's… What's… How's…
MATT
Mmmm.
LOG
Oh.
STEVE
The pilots are always in and out during take-off, aren't they?
LOG
Oh, okay. It was through…
STEVE
Before take-off I meant!
LOG
…through the door…
STEVE
Yeah.
LOG
…not… when you… when you said this in the hangout, I thought you meant it was through the outside of the plane and I thought there was a little bulge that you were sitting in that you could crane your head and see the buttons. It was…
STEVE
Put my head up to the windscreen?
LOG
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, yeah. It doesn't… It doesn't matter. It was a difficult to imagine… It was a difficult to imagine thing.
STEVE
"Obviously it's stupid, Steve! I didn't mean to say that!"
LOG
Yes. Well, perhaps you need to communicate more clearly in the hangouts.
MATT
I… I was in 1A when I was on, err, some flights in the States recently.
STEVE
Oh, that's a fucking good seat too!
MATT
Well, it was great. It was on a… It was on a smaller plane. It on one that's only three seats across as well so it was like… But, it was weird 'cos I had it on both flights. I ended up with 1A. It felt like they were saving me a seat and it was this weird thing of, like, being able to see the pilots, and…
STEVE
Yeah.
MATT
…the single hostess. I mean, you told… You said there was some… some wonderful bitching? I didn't get any of that because the hostess was on her own 'cos it was one of those… 'cos it was a small plane.
STEVE
Oh, yeah.
MATT
I felt… I think she was just playing games on her phone.
STEVE
Well, this was a… an… an experienced air hostess. You could… you could tell by her swagger up and down the isle…
MATT
She knew how to work it! [Wolf whistles]
STEVE
…and then, like… okay, a newbie so that she was asking a lot of questions and they didn't know each other very well but they were acquaintances. She was asking about whether she had a boyfriend and stuff and she started going through this horrible detail about this awful relationship that she's in, and I was, like, trying to sleep, but she was being… she was talking very loudly. Like the first two rows of people must have been able to hear her. But, I think air hostesses must… air stewards probably have this sort of ear blinders to what people can hear and what they can't hear.
LOG
Well, they probably just don't care what people hear because they're all transients in their lives.
STEVE
Yeah, yeah.
MATT
Yeah. It's not like… You're not going to make a complaint on one short flight, are you?
STEVE
Exactly.
MATT
It's like if you're…
STEVE
I mean, I wasn't… I wasn't…
LOG
"I was subjected to some really juicy gossip!"
MATT
If it's like over and over again, if it's like "Listen, every day, I'm on this bloody flight and, you know, every day this woman just bloody com…" It's like…
STEVE
Yeah, it's true. You're never going to see them again.
MATT
You have to have a build-up. You have to have, like, three times.
LOG
"I wouldn't mind. Every day I'm on this flight and I wouldn't mind if there was some story progression, but it's just literally about the same shit over and over again."
STEVE
Yeah!
MATT
"Reason for complaint: Same shit every day."
STEVE
Yeah! There's no conclusion to this story. No one's died in a plane crash, which would be ironic.
MATT
Yeah.
LOG
Yeah.
STEVE
But no relationship. Errm… But, yeah, err, that guy was very possessive. He's a bouncer at a fairground. Shouldn't drink - he's been told by doctors he has aggression issues when he drinks but he drinks anyway…
MATT
He sounds like a catch.
STEVE
…and, err, yeah, it was like, God… Actually, she's…
LOG
He sounds hot.
STEVE
…she's only nineteen.
LOG
He sounds like the kind of guy that would hold your throat while he fucks you.
MATT
Was he… I'm coming from this from a different perspective, in that I'm not somebody who wants to be fucked by somebody holding my throat, I just want somebody… I'm somebody who just wants to avoid men who ever hold people by their throats.
LOG
Oh, are you? You're a… you're a throat-holder?
MATT
No, no. I just… I just don't want to meet any, or spend time with any men who hold people by their throat. That's one of my aims in life, it's quite simple.
STEVE
Yeah.
LOG
Oh, you should try it sometimes.
STEVE
And then I went to a racetrack and lied about having a license so I could drive a sports car around, and I was very nervous because I'm not… 'cos I don't have a driving license.
MATT
'cos you don't have a driving license? That's reason enough.
STEVE
But, my thinking was, I've got my driving test… Like, my driving instructor says I'm alright at driving.
MATT
No, Steve. Steve, your… your thinking was "I want to drive a sports car".
STEVE
Yeah, so, I wanted to drive a sports car.
LOG
Mmmm.
STEVE
The other this is, like, oh, like, I may be able to drive a car to a legal standard…
MATT
Mmmm.
STEVE
However, I may not be all… The only question mark is over that.
MATT
You're extruding a… this then?
STEVE
Yeah. Like, I could be a person who could have a license. What is a license? It's just a piece of paper that says you can drive.
MATT
It's a… I think, philosophy-wise…
LOG
It's a permission…
MATT
Yeah.
LOG
…and who is anyone to grant you a permission?
STEVE
Exactly!
MATT
I think philosophy works wonders in a court of law, I really do.
LOG
I'm assuming you're in a different country so, what even is a UK license in whatever country you're in?
STEVE
Exactly. We're going to be leaving the E.U. anyway, so…
LOG
Fine.
STEVE
…good luck capturing me!
LOG
What are they going to do?
STEVE
For the crime…
LOG
Deport you to France?
MATT
As a saying, I think any P.R. who just listens to Regular Features is… is, errm, not doing their job properly frankly…
LOG
No.
STEVE
Yeah.
MATT
…in any industry.
STEVE
What's the worst they can do now? Go back in time and stop me driving a sports car? Fucking good luck, you idiots!
MATT
And…
LOG
And, if you are the P.R., who ignored my emails saying "Can I have a PS4 for the pub because I want to have a sport friends tournament during GamesCity?" then fuck you P.R.! I wanted a free PS4 like you gave everyone on CVG!
STEVE
Errm, I think the last bit of my story was… 'cos I… I wasn't… I wasn't so confident I thought I thought I could just… I was quite nervous and there was a, err, McLaren F1 sport car that was driving around and that was…
MATT
I've heard they're good.
STEVE
…the first car to go around and it was driven by a professional man. As it drove back into the pit lane, no word of a lie, it fucking exploded in front of everyone. The back… The rear of the car burst into flames. People were screaming.
MATT
That's not your lack of ability in… in a car? Like, your lack of papered ability is… is the least of anybody's worry…
STEVE
Yeah.
MATT
…when you're talking about things exploding. If anything, the cars are the danger, not you.
STEVE
I thought they were just going to cancel the event. I thought people were going to die. I thought…
MATT
That would be natural, yeah.
STEVE
…the police were going to be all over the… No, they just… they carried on.
MATT
That's… that's almost like, either like… It's kind of stiff up… British upper lip etcetera or it's just negligence.
STEVE
Well, I think I was a fucking hero to drive a car after that.
MATT
I think, if anything, yeah, they should be giving you medals, not, err, calls.
LOG
If anything, you'll be driving more cars on… on the streets of London right now.
STEVE
Yeah.
LOG
Let's do the next feature in the back of a Vauxhall Astra.
STEVE
Or just put car sound effects all through the rest of the podcast.
LOG
Yes!
• JINGLE •
"I'm up all night, I feel fine"
• FEATURE •
"My Excuses For Not Being Here Last Week"
Written and Performed by
Jon "Log" Blyth
★ Rate This Feature ★
LOG
And now it's time for my Regular Feature.
MATT
Let's be slightly racist.
STEVE
Hold on, that's offensive. Also…
LOG
Aww! I was going to be Bono.
STEVE
Oh, well, no that's a northern Irish accent you did.
LOG
Actually, you might… you might find my podcast on your iPhone or on your iPod.
MATT
How much money do you reckon we have to pay to do that? To do a… to do a U2 and just be like…
STEVE
Put a Regular Features podcast on all of the…
MATT
Imagine that, and they're already there out of nowhere - downloads the entire fucking thing onto every phone and people have to wait about a week to work out a way of stopping that from happening.
STEVE
Yeah.
LOG
I think we just have to be U.N. ambassadors first.
STEVE
Well we can probably get it on a Nokia phone.
MATT
I could be a U.N. ambassador, or a Nokia phone!
LOG
Or… yeah. "Coming without consent to your Nokia 3210 next week!" - my feature.
STEVE
"Via… Via MMS!"
MATT
"Downloading file - Will take forever".
LOG
"New configuration settings have been received. Do you want to install them?"
MATT
Oh, remember that? Who remembers that?
STEVE
Who remembers network configuration? I was talking with someone about push notifications. Back in the day… Back in the 2000's you had to fucking have pull note… you had to say how often you wanted your phone to check for new emails.
LOG
Yeah, fifteen minutes I had mine set to.
STEVE
Wow, someone's near a charger!
MATT
You can still do that.
STEVE
Can you?
MATT
Yeah.
LOG
In those days… In those days phone batteries used to last five or six days in those days. Days!
MATT
There are battery saving things now. You can download battery-saving apps and just, like, just check for email once every half an hour.
STEVE
Turn off pull - pulling, pushing.
MATT
Yeah, "you should just probably just do this every half-an-hour, don't be mental".
STEVE
Okay. "Just fucking calm down!"
MATT
"Yeah, chill out phone!"
STEVE
But people… We had a special compilation episode last… last week…
LOG
Yeah.
STEVE
…err, 'cos we were all split to four sheets of the wind.
LOG
No, that's, errm, that's…
MATT
That's… No.
LOG
My excuse for that is part of… the first part of my feature. But no, carry on.
MATT
Yes.
STEVE
I was… I was going to ask how your dog's leg is?
LOG
That is actually the first part of my feature, Steve.
MATT
Yes! Hurray!
LOG
If I hadn't interrupted you, that would have been a seamless segue. Aww.
MATT
Aww.
LOG
Aren't we… Aren't we in-tune?
MATT
We are.
LOG
So yes, last week my… my excuses involved having a dog… Why did you… Are you gesturing that I should talk towards the microphone?
STEVE
Yeah.
LOG
Thank you. Sorry.
STEVE
Sorry.
LOG
There. So, last week my excuses for not being here and forcing the first ever compilation episode was, errm, a dog whose cruciate ligament was snapped and had to go in for surgery at the expense of £3,800. Apparently, dogs aren't on the N.H.S. Steve
MATT
Animals… Animals are taking to the fucking bank.
STEVE
Is that with the dog insurance?
LOG
It's like American healthcare…
MATT
Yeah.
LOG
…but for dogs in the U.K.
STEVE
Yeah.
MATT
It's 'cos people…
STEVE
Oh, wow.
MATT
…people know that people really give a shit about animals, they get to the bank.
STEVE
Americans get the level of healthcare that dogs get in the U.K.
LOG
If you're an American, I'd be angry.
STEVE
You aren't worth as much as a budgie in the U.K.!
LOG
Budgie heart surgery - that… the… the scalpels are so tiny…
MATT
Yeah…
LOG
…they're really expensive to make.
MATT
Well, I imagine it's fucking difficult, frankly.
STEVE
Yeah.
LOG
But I don't know.
STEVE
Do budgies have…
MATT
What, budgie heart surgery?
LOG
You could just shove a 2A battery up its arse and it's like defibrillating it. But anyway, my dog tragedy?
STEVE
Mmmm.
LOG
Cruciate ligament snapped?
STEVE
Does he even know what a cruciate ligament is? He was going to feel pain there, Log!
MATT
Aww, that's the saddest thing. That's the saddest thing.
LOG
So he went into surgery.
STEVE
Yes.
LOG
He went in for absolute surgery so he came back with one shaved leg.
STEVE
Of his own volition?
LOG
Well, he…
STEVE
Did he come back one day?
LOG
He… He… He… It took him ages to tie up the knotted hanky with his mouth because his teeth aren't prehensile and they can't actually tie knots in a hanky. But we… we just watched him and said "We could help you, but you've got to do this on your own, dog!" That… No, my mum took him in because, errm, he's her dog and I'm not helping. Sorry! Oh, I… I am losing my humanity on this one. Errm, so yeah, cruciate ligament, that was surgerized and fixed up and then he spent one day howling in pain constantly and I…
STEVE
Oh.
LOG
…I went… because he was… I could hear him from the bedroom, I went downstairs the first night, just lay on the floor with him hoping that…
MATT
Yeah.
LOG
…that would give him some kind of solace.
STEVE
Mmmm.
MATT
So, it's…
LOG
It didn't, he just kept howling.
MATT
It's the lack of communication at that point, must be really, really hard.
LOG
Yeah, he didn't even respond when I put my finger over his nose and went "Ssshhh!"
MATT
Yeah, you…
STEVE
Aww.
MATT
…you can't even say something really, like, you know, that you… With humans…
LOG
You can't make them laugh.
MATT
Yeah, you can't make them laugh but also the great thing about with humans is, if they really aren't well, you can at least, like, try and think of something sensible that you call tell them which will make them feel better about… about the future. Whereas dogs are just fucking stupid.
STEVE
Yeah, you can't show…
MATT
You can't be like, "Listen"…
LOG
Well, no, not stupid so much as…
MATT
Well…
LOG
…maybe they just don't understand English.
MATT
Alright, yeah, or any other languages frankly.
STEVE
The only way…
LOG
Yeah, it's true that. Fair play.
STEVE
The only way I've ever made a dog do something close to laughing is by tickling it.
LOG
And it went "Oh, get off! No!"
STEVE
But don't think you should tickle a dog with a cruciate ligament that's flailing around inside its body…
LOG
Oh.
STEVE
…like an untethered bungee cord.
LOG
Yeah, flapping around. It's… So, after a week, well, I've done the first day, the second day he was still whimpering but he wasn't howling.
STEVE
Mmmm.
LOG
Third… Fourth day it just got quieter and quieter and then by towards the end of the first week he was hobbling around the house again. He was… had his mouth open and panting and, like, he was probably just hot and needed air in his mouth but it looked like he was happy.
STEVE
Mmmm.
LOG
Then he got more and more, like, he started doing that thing where he just lies on his back saying "stroke me" and I think this dog is awesome again. He might not be well, he might not be properly right but he's okay.
MATT
He's knackered.
LOG
He's… He's fun to be around again and that's what matters - his duties as a pet.
STEVE
That's always… That's always an important quality in a dog.
LOG
So yeah, and then because he got bit too excited, well, he snapped his fucking fragment around the plate in his leg and he just laid down for another week, just looking absolutely sad.
STEVE
Aww! And probably thinking he deserved it somehow because he'd done something wrong.
LOG
What I… What… I don't know. He just… It's like that howling. There was no howling. He'd gone from the howling to the happiness. Now he was just lying there going "Oh, fuck this! Fuck this all"…
STEVE
Mmmm.
LOG
…and after three or four days of that my aunt came around, and my aunt is the kind of person who takes great, kind of, pleasure in being a pragmatist and I… If this was America and she was a licensed firearm holder, I can imagine her walking into the house saying "Do you want me to shoot it? 'Cos I'll fucking shoot it!"
MATT
God.
LOG
"Put a pillow over its head and a pillow under its head to absorb the blood!" Errm…
MATT
And put a towel under.
LOG
Yeah.
STEVE
Put a towel under.
LOG
And… And then put it in a… a catapult so, like… and sling it in someone else's garden.
STEVE
And then have you got doylies to just put around it?
MATT
That's pure pragmatism. Doylies, towels and catapult.
LOG
And there was one night where me and me mum who's, sort of, primary carer for the dog…
MATT
Yeah.
LOG
We were just sat there with him until, like, three in the morning saying "Is she right? Shall… Is he ever going to be happy again?"
STEVE
So did you… your aunt had suggested euthanizing the dog?
LOG
Yeah, to my mum on the phone, and my mum handed the phone to me saying "I can't listen to this. Can you tell me if she's making sense or not?" This is fucking… Yeah, I've suddenly realised how dark this whimsical thing is.
STEVE
Yeah.
LOG
Errm, so…
STEVE
Is it because it would have… It's going to cost a lot more money to get the dog fixed again as well?
LOG
Well, the… the insurance has run out. They've used all the money on the insurance for the surgery which was £3,800.
STEVE
Right.
LOG
So there you go.
STEVE
And that doesn't cover them injuring themselves while they're recovering? It's…
LOG
No, no. Err, so caveat emptor or whatever…
STEVE
Yeah.
LOG
…whatever the proper Latin is for "your dog's fucked itself and it's costing you money!" So, errm, yeah, after that we spent one night lamenting that thing. In the depths… In the pits of it, like 3AM in the morning, any decision seems rational.
STEVE
Mmmm.
LOG
Next day, we said "Well, let's just say if we got… If he… As long as he stays in a steady recovery…
MATT
Mmmm.
LOG
We're not even going to think about that.
MATT
Yeah.
LOG
And, today he's walking around the house with a big limp, but he's walking around the house smiling at things, rolling his back saying "stroke me" and then doing his usual thing where he barks at you 'cos you're not talking to him you're talking to each other. He's a prick of a dog, but he's not dead, and fuck you my aunt!
MATT
He's back to normal.
LOG
Fuck you, you…
STEVE
Yeah!
MATT
Yeah!REPEAT
LOG
…gun happy… I know you haven't got a gun, but if you had a gun, I know you'd shot my dog that day.
MATT
God!
LOG
Fuck!
STEVE
But, err, she should feel fucking ashamed now.
LOG
I'm going to shoot her dog!
MATT
That'll show her.
LOG
Yeah.
STEVE
Buy her a dog, and then shoot it!
LOG
It's the only… It's the only way she'll learn not to kill dogs.
MATT
"I got you a… I got you a present. It's a dog. Boom!"
STEVE
"Bang! That's what you get!" "For what?"
MATT
And, errm… "It doesn't matter. Fuck you!"
LOG
"I haven't got the words right now. I'll… I'll… I'll… I'll write you an email!"
MATT
"I just want to work out the flow of the argument before I… I'm going!"
LOG
So, that's one thing, the reason I wasn't there last week. The second one is my nan fell over, and she's ninety-five, and when you're ninety-five, apparently, and I know this…
MATT
Falling is a big deal, yeah.
LOG
…this kind of chat I know is going to make you blanch, but it…
MATT
Errm, well…
LOG
…it actually made my cousin cry while she saw it.
MATT
Oh, God!
LOG
Errm, she fell over and the carpeting dragged the skin off her leg. Translucent lady skin!
STEVE
And it's… that's odd because this is a mental image that you've stirred up in my brain on numerous occasions…
LOG
It is. It's… It's… It's…
STEVE
…is old people's skin being like, err, like, err…
MATT
You've been priming us for this. You've been grooming us for this horror for years, fuck!
LOG
Yeah, but it's as if it's been in my fantasy world for ages, and suddenly it's real and on microphone. Ha, ha!
STEVE
Like picking up a burrito with, err, with one of those claws from one of those toy machines and picking up and just coming away with the tortilla.
MATT
Aww.
LOG
Aww. Just… That's a fucking outstanding image!
MATT
Guys!
LOG
It's just like… Imagine that, you… you win on a pier-end claw machine and you're delivered the husk of a toy that you… makes your child quit.
STEVE
Yeah, well, beans are all over the other toys.
MATT
Yeah, just been a burrito. The rest of it is just the… the right… what you'd expect to find in one of those machines…
STEVE
Yeah.
MATT
…but there is a full hot burrito in there as well inexplicably. If anyone… If anyone goes for it, it… if it goes wrong it will ruin everything else.
STEVE
Sluices off like a…
LOG
Oh, God. Sluice, sluice my flesh away.
STEVE
Well…
MATT
"Sluice my flesh away!"
LOG
"Take My Breath Away" does segue neatly into the interstitial music from Golden Girls, by the way.
MATT
Oh.
LOG
So, there you are.
STEVE
No, it doesn't - only in your rendition of it.
LOG
And, also, "I'm rolling along on the crest of a wave and the only explanation I can find, is the love that I've found, ever since you've been around. Your love was putting me on the top of the…" You're looking at me like I'm a cunt?
MATT
I just got the reference.
LOG
But "Rolling Along… Rolling Along on the Crest of a Wave" does go into that.
STEVE
It does, yeah.
LOG
And, errm…
MATT
Yeah, I get that.
LOG
And, if you're Sarah Morgan listening to this, I know we've had this conversation a thousand times. I'm sorry.
MATT
So, you couldn't make it because your… your dog was broken and your nan was broken.
LOG
And, my… my nan's leg had just sloughed off like the fifteenth incarnation of an immortal snake.
MATT
Oh, God!
LOG
Errm…
MATT
It's horrifying.
LOG
And then… You… You used to think, like, "Oh, am I the centre of the world?" and it's funny that you should mention sucker punch earlier Steve because the coup de grâce was, errm, barmen's mother-in-law fell down some stairs and died, and I realised I wasn't the star of the story afterall.
STEVE
Oh!
LOG
Fuck!
STEVE
Jesus. What a… Death… Death and sadness have…
LOG
Death, sadness and Nottingham…
MATT
Well it's been…
LOG
… - Welcome to GameCity!
• JINGLE •
"Game of Thrones"
• FEATURE •
"Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! That's bollocks!"
Written and Performed by
Matt Lees
★ Rate This Feature ★
MATT
Right, well now, in the… the… the final, err, painted mess of this Regular Features triptych, I was just saying, this is a bit of weird one. We've had massive levity, some darkness, and now what ended up being a bit of a rabbit hole. Errm, I'll… I'll begin at the start, right? So, basically, I was on the tube on the way back from a Libertines gig, err, on the weekend and I saw a advert on the tube. Actually, I saw it on the way here as well. I think there's a lot of adverts for it and I saw it and I thought "That's funny", I'm going to look that up and I'll get some sort of feature out of it. Actually, in my feature is going to be "Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! That's bollocks!" in the kind of prickish way that I tend to approach life.
STEVE
Mmmm.
MATT
But the advert was something called "The Love School".
LOG
Right.
MATT
It's an event called "The Love School Event" and it had a picture of…
STEVE
For people who love school?
MATT
No, it wasn't for that. It was about learning to love. It was…
LOG
"Back to school, brilliant!"
STEVE
"Love School!"
MATT
"Ah! Fucking love lessons!" But that's…
LOG
"What's… what's better than dinner time and breaks? Lessons!"
MATT
"Oooh, lessons!"
STEVE
"Oh no, a free lesson! I hate"…
MATT
"God, when… when you gotta keep schooling me like this, when you know I love it so much!" No, but the tagline was "learn to love intelligently" and it had a picture of a couple holding each other and the picture…
LOG
Stroking their chins
STEVE
And doing maths, and doodling a beard!
MATT
And it… it also a picture of, like…
LOG
King Cones of geography!
MATT
…picture of, like, a massive arena, like, of people… full of people and I was like, "what is this?" Like, this looks more like…
LOG
Super-church bullshit?
STEVE
Evangelist kind of…
MATT
Yeah! Well, I was like, "what's this about?" like, 'cos it just looks like, there's, like, thousands of people watching.
STEVE
"You guy's ready to learn of love?" "Yeah!"
LOG
"I wanna love!"
STEVE
"I'm going to take of my pants in front of everybody!"
MATT
Yeah, that's exactly what I think.
LOG
"My bra hurts!"
MATT
Then it had a book…
STEVE
"Come on up on stage!"
LOG
"Rah!"
MATT
I was… I went up on the web-site and, errm, and first off it was selling me a… a… err, well it was a popup for an advert which was for a book which was written by the couple - the couple that… that do this "Love School" thing and it was a book that was described as "this book"… It was "shield your marriage against divorce" as if, like, protecting… as… as if, like, protecting your marriage from divorce was, like, an outside thing like protecting your washing machine from, like, like…
LOG
Well… Yeah, like… Divorce is knocking at the door going "Rah!"
MATT
Yeah, divorce is something, like, is an outside force that will come and get you if you're not careful, which I thought was funny. Umm, but then I… I kind of digged into it deeper…
LOG
It was like…
MATT
…and I became obsessed with this, basically, because I was looking at this web-site for "The Love School" and looking for it, and looking… reading everything about it. I watched loads of the videos. They had snippets of last year's show 'cos it's been going for two years and I became obsessed with trying to find something wrong with it, right, because, maybe I'm a horrible person? I don't know. But anyway…
LOG
What if…
STEVE
Maybe you have instincts…
LOG
…you wanted…
STEVE
…and they were acting up - your spidey sense?
MATT
Yeah, like, I guess that was it. I was, like…
LOG
People were claiming to have solutions to problems that don't have solutions.
MATT
Yeah, I mean…
LOG
They… The… The problem with divorce? It's that two people can fall up… out of love with each other in a myriad of ways.
MATT
Yeah.
STEVE
Aww, I'm in total agreement with you Jon there.
LOG
I'm like, yeah…
STEVE
Sometimes.
LOG
I've got a universal solution to this unspecified problem.
MATT
Yeah, well, I guess that's it, but then, I mean… they were… the first thing I noticed, I started looking at the web-site…
STEVE
Obviously just don't… don't… don't underestimate yourself.
MATT
Yeah, well, this is the thing, is… I'll get to this in a second, but the first thing I noticed when I was looking at it is I thought "Well, this seemed like a weird thing. It's a London-based event. It's in the Wembley Arena. It's now called something else - it's called the ICCS or something, like, they've changed the name of it, but it's… it's a big, fucking event, have about eleven thousand people in this massive arena for it, and I noticed from the videos that, like, this struck me as being slightly odd for London, not super-odd, if it was in another part of the country it might be, like, fucking well weird, but it seemed like the majority of the crowd seemed to be, like, Hispanic or black and I thought for… for, like, basically what appears to be, like, a conference thing, and often…
LOG
Ahh.
MATT
…you get lots of wedding conferences and stuff like that, errm, often, like, you know, the majority of people are, kind of, middle-class white dudes going along for stuff and it… Considering it seemed to be something that was just generally, like, about learning… about how to improve relationships, how to have good relationships…
STEVE
Mmmm, hmmm.
MATT
…I thought having these specific kind of groups and not a lot of other people, I thought that was a bit weird.
LOG
That… is…
STEVE
Where were you seeing these? In the advertising?
MATT
No, in the videos on their web-site…
STEVE
In the videos? Okay.
MATT
…of people who were there and looking at…
STEVE
Right.
MATT
…the crowds and stuff and looking at the testimonials and the…
LOG
So this was the advertising and… which would normally go out of the way to represent everyone.
MATT
Well, it was like, I could see the crowd. I could see, like, massive slides of the crowd.
LOG
Well, normally… Okay, okay.
MATT
And I was like, even in London, like, where obviously you get a… a much wider…
STEVE
This video's from… So, it's not like they did the stuff in Latin America previously and they brought it here?
MATT
No, no, no. This was from last year's event in London…
STEVE
Right, okay.
MATT
…because they… this is the second year in a row and I… it happened literally on the 28th of September, so it happened just last weekend…
STEVE
Yep.
MATT
…and it was the same day I was coming back from this gig and I was like, "Oh, that's happening tomorrow or today" and it was, like, I kind of thought… It… That didn't make me think anything, but I just thought that's unusual for London. It's not insane, but it's unusual.
LOG
Well, no, it's… it's marketing and it's pitched at certain people, so you know that there was a decision made to pitch it at this market.
MATT
Mmmm.
LOG
So.. So then that must have…
MATT
I suppose so, but then when I saw the… When I saw the picture…
LOG
"Why isn't this pitched at me?"
MATT
Well, when I saw the picture on the tube selling it as this "learn to love your partner" and stuff, like, the couple involved look a little bit Hispanic, but it wasn't necessarily, like, the advertising that I saw at least didn't seem to be particularly pitched at anyone, it seemed quite general. So, I just thought that was interesting. Anyway, errm, I then…
STEVE
Maybe the divorce rates are really high between Hispanic and black people?
LOG
Oh, there!
MATT
Thanks, Steve.
STEVE
Just 'cos…
LOG
They…
STEVE
Just 'cos they rush into decisions!
LOG
No, they're fiery, aren't they?
STEVE
They are!
MATT
Oh, Stephen.
LOG
Let him go on with it, Steve, before… before you start saying things that are more evidentially racist.
MATT
Yeah. Yeah. Err, maybe that's for the best, Steve.
STEVE
Sorry, sorry!
MATT
It's fine. But yeah…
LOG
"Sorry I'm a racist".
STEVE
Yeah, sorry I'm a racist, guys.
MATT
It's, err, oh yeah. Anyway, this couple that are running it - apparently a bit famous in the U.S. - they… and their whole shtick is that they've been together for twenty-two years…
LOG
Oh, fucking hell.
MATT
…and they're fairly attractive people, errm, but, basically, their whole shtick is that they… their early relationship, it has its problems but then they got through it all and then they realised that, err, their early relationship… 'cos they got married quite young, I think, err, and they're, like, "Ah, you know, we had some problems, but actually we've realised we were being too selfish etcetera and, like, you know, we've learnt to realise that relationships can't be perfect and actually realised to work with each other to make it better" and all that stuff, and I was like, okay, fine, but I was, like, quite cynical about this, but then I was, like, the more I started looking at this stuff, I was, like, I… I was finding it really difficult to be cynical 'cos that whole thing was about the fact there's, like, they have problems with marr… marriage but they overcome them by becoming different people and it… you know… I kind of thought this was alright and I watched all these videos on their web-site about… about the stuff, and about the… they had little clips, basically, like, fifteen/twenty second clips of this live show that lasts for maybe six/seven hours. I don't know how long it lasts.
LOG
I don't know, so with that, you…
MATT
But it was all quite nice and it was, basically, doing the same things, like, you know, simple stuff, like, you know, "if you can't love yourself then how are you supposed to love somebody else?" and
STEVE
That's a rip-off of…
MATT
Precisely.
LOG
Hey, that's bullshit though. You love yourself when… You… You're a different person with everyone you meet…
MATT
That's true.
LOG
…and you seek out the people who you like yourself who you're with.
MATT
But, you have to fundamentally love yourself a bit if you're going to be getting involved with a relationship.
STEVE
I think, yeah, that's… that's a good philosophy. You can't really pick holes in that, can you? If you have… If you bring into…
LOG
Well, I think "loving yourself" is a little bit…
MATT
Well, no, it's more like not disliking yourself…
STEVE
No, I mean
LOG
It's "like yourself" but not "love yourself".
STEVE
Don't be… don't be insecure and don't… If you have to be happy in yourself before you can share yourself with someone else.
LOG
Yeah. Okay, but if someone said "Oh, I really like Matt Lees. He loves himself!" you'd think "No, that's an insult!" It's not actually a compliment.
STEVE
That is,…
MATT
It is.
STEVE
I think that we…
MATT
I wish people would stop…
STEVE
…the semantics of that, Matt.
MATT
…I wish people would stop saying that, because I don't love myself. Most of the ego is just for… for… for… for… for fuck's sake guys, Jesus!
LOG
Oh, it's a performance!
MATT
It is a performance. It's funny.
LOG
You're a self-hating marionette of your own…
STEVE
Well…
LOG
…dangling…
STEVE
…I think you love yourself, but you're very self-aware.
MATT
Precisely.
STEVE
You know how it looks to love yourself.
MATT
That's… That's… That's more accurate.
LOG
For the… For the reader's benefit, I'm grabbing Matt's calf and chewing on his knee now.
MATT
He act… He actually is. I've never had anyone chew on my knee before.
LOG
I didn't… I didn't… I didn't need to do that, but I have left a spot of spit on his kneecap.
STEVE
Yeah.
MATT
Yeah, you have. I've never had anyone chew on my kneecap before. That's…
STEVE
There's… There's some… There's some roughage in that saliva gloop.
LOG
Get it up, Steve.
STEVE
I'll have it. I'll have it.
LOG
Suck it up with a straw.
MATT
Ooh, it's a fun time! But yeah, it was just basically, like, I… I wanted to be… I… I came in and I felt quite bad about myself, because I was sitting here looking at this thinking, you know, I came here wanting to be really cynical, but this is just giving sad people reasonably good advice. This… It's fucking simple advice. It's stuff like, "Don't get married to be happy - be happy and then get married".
LOG
Yeah, sounds like…
MATT
It's fucking obvious, but fair enough, this is quite simple, and I kind of felt bad about myself 'cos I kind of thought, well you know, this is how I… this is how I make a feature? Obviously not as bad about myself as someone like Gav should feel bad about himself. I'm not actively going out of my way to hurt people. I'm just…
LOG
Well, he'd… he'd have… he'd have tried to fuck her for… to ruin their relationship.
MATT
He would have started emailing them pretending to be somebody else.
LOG
Yeah. "Hey babes!"
STEVE
You… You're always ragging on Gav when he's not in the podcast!
MATT
I know. It's a joke, isn't it? I mean, it's only 'cos, like… It's… Look, it's …
STEVE
'Cos he… 'Cos he can't be mean back to you.
MATT
Yeah. I know, I know!
STEVE
And he doesn't listen to the podcast. Gav, if you listen to the podcast, fuck you!
MATT
No, it's… I just… I just think it's funny to, like, paint Gav as being like as some sort of evil force that goes untapped.
LOG
Well he's not even a good person. He's not even very…
STEVE
Actually, he's not even very attractive.
LOG
No.
MATT
No. Gav is amazing and attractive, but he just does… He does do some awful things for the sake of comedy that he…
STEVE
He is.
MATT
I think I'm probably just jealous of the fact that he can get away with doing things that I probably couldn't get away with…
STEVE
Mmmm.
MATT
…errm, because I… I… look naturally more like a witch.
LOG
He's… It's just the way he's aligned. You can't… None of us can hope to do the things he does.
STEVE
Chaotic good.
MATT
No, he's not chaotic good though. He's, like, maybe chaotic neutral.
LOG
He… He's… He's… He's neutral neutral.
STEVE
Oh, sorry, I'm in out of my depth.
MATT
You… You don't understand this shit, Steve. Get out!
STEVE
Sorry.
MATT
But, anyway, errm… I basically… I… I started looking into it and I kind of thinking… Twenty-five… Forty… It's twenty-five to forty quid a ticket depending on how close you want to be and I was, like, that's quite… You know?
LOG
What, with your partner, or to the stage?
MATT
No, no, for seeing, just to sit and listen to these… this couple and other people that they talk about stuff, and I was, at this point, having a bit of a crisis 'cos I was like, my… as you says Steve earlier, like, I felt like, something was off. My… My… My senses were going but I couldn't find anything.
STEVE
Your balls were tingling.
LOG
My balls were tingling, sure. Errm, so I… I kept diving into it and, by this point, I'd spent a lot of time watching videos and looking stuff and the thing that… that kind of, errm…
STEVE
It had been four days of watching these videos…
MATT
I got… I'm not going to lie.
STEVE
…and you thought something's up.
MATT
I spent four hours today doing this, umm, in total. It became a rabbit hole, as I said, but, basically, because the one weird thing that I noticed on the web-site was actually when I was looking at the last page was saying "Win a trip to the Algarve if you do this", and I was looking…
STEVE
Ah. Okay.
MATT
It was the one bit of the web-site that I hadn't looked at, at all. I was, like, mmmm, I click on this tab I suppose, see if there's anything weird here, and the video you had to watch to win a trip to the Algarve was basically being, like… Well, yesterday was "Watch this video and it will give you the different letters throughout it that you need to enter the code which is, like, the… the code to enter the web-s… enter the competition, and as I went through it… If anyone wants to do this by the way, the code was "FOOT" if anyone wants to enter it, just save yourself watching this video.
STEVE
Foot!
MATT
If you go to theloveschool.com, the code was "FOOT". Anyway, I'll just save you ten minutes.
LOG
Cool.
MATT
Errm…
LOG
Get yourself to the Algarve!
MATT
Get… Well, only about a hundred fifty people have watched this video so you might be in with a good chance.
STEVE
Oh, yeah.
MATT
Anyway, errm, basically, this video was immediately was saying "Hey, I got diagnosed with this thing that's going to make me grow hair all over my body, but then I went to the church and started praying and now I'm better!", and then it was like, what the fuck? And then it…
LOG
"I got diagnosed this thing that said I was going to grow hair all over me"?
MATT
It was a thyr… hyper-thyroid or something silly that was… They were going to get thicker skin, hair all over their body and all those things, and then it was somebody else saying "I had I.P. - I had voices talking to me in my head", basically, somebody was saying they were, like, schizophrenic…
LOG
Paranoid schiz…? Oh, right. Fuck.
MATT
…and they were saying "But then I went to the church and now I'm better, and ever since I've been praying, I better!"
STEVE
Okay.
MATT
And then the kid's saying from the age of thirteen he was, like, selling heroin and crack, and prostituting girls, and err… but this point, actually, I've got to be honest, when I was watching this… this young black boy talking about this, umm, like… I didn't believe him. There was something about his delivery, I thought "I don't believe you!" I thought I could… Then that made me retrospectively…
STEVE
Bit too good on camera?
MATT
Well, I retrospectively started questioning all the other people.
STEVE
And also, I recognise you from tim… television.
LOG
You're Gary Coleman! You were in "Skins"!
MATT
No, errm…
STEVE
But you couldn't think of a single black actor who wasn't Will Smith.
MATT
Oh, good lord.
LOG
I'm trapped… I'm trapped in a much earlier timeframe than that, with Gary Coleman.
MATT
I've got to be honest… I've got to be honest…
STEVE
I'm not coming across well on this episode!
MATT
Well, no, I… no. Seriously, I'm kind of glad you're not because throughout the entire process of… of researching this feature, I went from being, like, "I'm going to poke fun at some people trying to be good" to increasingly feeling, err, like I was attacking lots of minorities simply through reading what I was reading. I was, like… I felt like I was being a bad person the deeper I went into this, so I'm… I'm glad that you are already making yourself look worse than me, Steve, thank you.
STEVE
For comedic effect. For… For… For comedic effect.
MATT
Thank you. Errm, and then as far as for this, I was like, "Who the fuck is this person?" and I was like, it looked a bit similar to the woman, err, who was on the main web-site, but it wasn't the same woman. I was like, okay, it's a woman called "Chrissie B." and "Chrissie B." has "The Chrissie B. Show" which is on a Sky channel on YouTube and stuff and it was like, it was the same. It basically seemed to be, like, all these people were saying since they went to this church every form of… every form of programme… problem, whether it's physical health, mental health, or just, like, massive, massive life problems can be fixed through going to church, and that… I was like, well what the fuck is the link with this competition…
LOG
Is this like…
MATT
…with this thing?
LOG
So, it's like "The Alpha Course" then, where… It's, like, let's call… "Ooh, the question"… "What of the"… "What was the answer to life? Why don't you find out with The Alpha Course!"
STEVE
Yeah.
LOG
"P.S. You have to find out at a church."
MATT
Well, this is the thing…
STEVE
The web-site is the Scientology way in as well. It's like a stress-test way into Scientology, isn't it?
LOG
I think Scientology is more a brazen cult, isn't it?
STEVE
Mmmm.
MATT
Well, this is the thing. I went to the… there was part of the FAQ for The Love School. Umm, one of the things on it said, err… One of the questions in it said "Is this a religious event?" and it said… and it was like "No, it isn't a religious event"
LOG
"Oh, only if"…
STEVE
Isn't everything a religious event?
MATT
Absolutely.
LOG
"Only if you care about your mental wellbeing!"
MATT
And, I thought that was a bit odd, because the thing was, they had all of these YouTube videos which had, like, had clips from last year's Love School event, and there was nothing in it that suggested any form of religious stuff at all and they were only clips, but I was like, this is weird, like, why is suddenly religion a part of this 'cos it didn't feel like it was. So that's the point at which I started to kind of… Suddenly I'd gone from being, like, oh, I felt bad about… I'd gone from feeling bad about myself for being cynical to being, like, "Hang on a minute, what the fuck is going on here?" So I started looking in to it.
LOG
So, I'm thinking "Are white people just immune from religion?"
STEVE
Ooh.
MATT
No! So anyway, right, errm, I looked on… There was one of the slides on the… on the tabs and so. It was about the sponsors for The Love School event, and there were four sponsors, right? There was the "UKCG HelpCentre", the "TV"… "TV My Channel", "Liberty Radio" and "Ferbogar". Now "Ferbogar" was the… I'll go into this one first. "Ferbogar" is basically…
LOG
Is that a Furby-based TV channel?
MATT
It really was. Ferbogar was the only part of this that I couldn't make any sense of. Well, I could, but not in a way that I'm not going to talk about without being libellous.
STEVE
I was, err, really thinking of a Furby TV channel that just had like, had just like, news programming, that has, like, soap operas that's just…
LOG
"Bah, baba, bah, bah!" "Bah!" "Fa, fa, fa, fahh!"
STEVE
…for Furbys. Not like, moving around, just sitting on surfaces.
LOG
I'd… I'd watch it, at 4am in the morning, after deciding not to kill your dog and I… I'd be welcome… I'd welcome a bit of Furby light relief.
STEVE
"Let's not kill the dog. Let's just watch The Furby Channel!"
MATT
"Let's got… Let's just see what's happening on Ferbogar! Ah, it's… The… They're in the chat show!"
LOG
"Fer… Fermogar - the… the Celtic Furby Channel".
STEVE
"Look mum, the Furby's going down a slide!"
LOG
"Waah!"
MATT
"You like the slides, don't you?" No, it isn't… It isn't that. Ferbogar, basically, is a Portuguese-based labour company, errm, which I thought was a very strange thing to be sponsoring a UK seminar/conference about love, but anyway, what I loved…
LOG
Oh my God, is it anti-union stuff?
MATT
No. What I loved about Ferbogar when I went to their web-site was the first page of Ferbogar, like, it was one of those corporate looking web-sites and the only bit of text on it, this is what it read, and I love this because it was like, "I've just come to your web-site. I have no idea who you are as a company" and this is what it… this is all it says, "Ferbogar UK was the last but not least of various branches of the enterprise created in the second semester of 2012 because of a contract celebrated with one of the main customers of the Group".
LOG
Is this… Was this through Google Translate?
MATT
No. Yeah, I think so, but still… "Having overcome the experimental phase, and due to its potential, the UK has proven to be the most important part of external markets where we can take the spirit, the quality and capacity of Portuguese labour. Our engagement in our…" and this is when I… I clicked on the… I thought, "Okay, well you're from Portugal". So one of the options went "Portugal" so I thought, "Let's try and work out what this web… what this fucking company is by going to the Portugal bit"…
STEVE
Mmmm.
MATT
…and it said, "Our engagement in our country will not end… It can never end!"…
STEVE
Jesus!
MATT
…which I thought was amazing.
LOG
Fucking hell!
MATT
"Our culture and breeding are Portuguese and it is with great pride that we display our flag within many countries in the different continents. We continue to create value in Portugal, as difficult as it may appear, we still believe in Portugal as arduous as it may seem nowadays. Therefore, we proceed with a firm and secure pace, we seek solutions and oppose tendencies. So, we expect our staff, our suppliers and customers to help us rise Portugal." What the fuck does any of this stuff mean?
STEVE
Recap…
LOG
Wow.
STEVE
…these "Furby Gar" people are funding The Love School?
MATT
This is one of the sponsors of The Love School festival event.
STEVE
Right, so they pay them lots of money.
MATT
So worse thing is, what… how does that work with sponsors? It… It means that they funded the event, right?
LOG
Is Portugal very religious?
MATT
I… Well, you… You see, this… The thing is, as I say…
LOG
They do have a lot of dusty churches…
STEVE
Right, the thing is…
MATT
We're about…
LOG
…if… if my image of Portugal's correct.
MATT
…We're about halfway down the rabbit hole so things…
LOG
Oh Jesus. Keep going, keep going.
MATT
Okay, right. So, basically, I was like, "What the fuck is this about?", like, this is a Portuguese labour company. I don't really know what's going on with that, but the rest of the stuff made a bit more sense.
STEVE
Like, you said lab… Sorry, I don't mean to keep interrupting but labour… Like, what does it actually do? Do you still not know?
MATT
Well, I don't know.
STEVE
Right.
MATT
All I know about this company, and this… this is the point it got weird because I literally logged on to this in the first place thinking, "I'm going to take the piss out of some people trying to be happy 'cos I'm a cunt!" But then I ended up, basically, just going into a full journalism mode in a weird way and just researching hundreds of stuff.
LOG
But, I've got to say, this seems… this feels suspiciously like journalism.
MATT
I know, right? I got to a point where I was just, like, I'm actually doing journalism now. This is ridiculous! This is not what I was supposed to be doing on a Tuesday afternoon.
LOG
Or a comedy podcast.
MATT
Or… precisely! I know, right? But I went far… so far, that I thought I might as well carry on.
STEVE
If anyone from the BBC is listening…
MATT
Well, s… There are things… You'll… You'll… Yeah.
LOG
"Regular Features News Night"!
STEVE
Mmmm.
MATT
It may be of interest…
LOG
Just an idea.
MATT
This may be of interest to journalists actually. I mean, some of it has already been uncovered as you will find, but this is a new thing that may be of interest to actual journalists which is weird. Anyway, errm, so basically, I was like, okay, right, Portuguese labour… lab… and I thought, especially because they're… they're not building, right? They didn't fucking build the… the Wembley Arena. That was a place that already exists, so I thought what… what are the interests of a labour company sponsoring an event about relationships run by a… a couple who had an early relationship. Anyway, the other things made a bit more sense but also made less sense in the fact that "TV My Channel", "Liberty Radio", umm, both appeared to be really similar, different web-sites, different things, but lots of crossover, like, lots of the… the chat, lots of the shows and stuff that were on the TV channel…
LOG
Yeah.
MATT
…appeared to also have radio shows, lots of the people. "Chrissie G." had things on both and actually the people who were involved in "The Love Show", The Love School thing, also had like, involvement with this.
STEVE
Like "Games Radar" on CVG!
MATT
Well, the… you know, the thing is, I kind of… again, my… my anti…
STEVE
How deep does this rabbit hole go?
MATT
The thing… The thing is, I actually got to that point as well where I was like, well actually to be fair, Matt, like, you know, what are you involved in? You do "Shut Up & Sit Down", you do "Regular Features", you "Daft Souls", you do "Page"… and it's like…
STEVE
Yeah, the thing is, things cross over, don't they?
MATT
You could quite easily be looking at, like, five or six web-sites and be like, "This Matt Lees guy is"…
STEVE
Yes.
MATT
…"fucking everywhere!"…
STEVE
Yes.
MATT
…"What is this conspiracy?"
STEVE
Well, I think…
LOG
Hashtag gamergate.
STEVE
…it's very… It's very easy to draw lines between related things and assume that's…
MATT
Absolutely.
STEVE
…somehow a negative aspect of the relationship.
MATT
Absolutely, and that's why I had to stop that, but I realise that the weird thing for me was the pool of people seemed to be quite small and it felt oddly in a fact that it was like, well, I didn't want to be, like, doing that. I didn't want to be like, "Oh, these people know each other. It must be evil!" I thought, "Well, maybe they're all just people connected by a shared belief system and that's cool. That's fine", but a… But the problem I had with this is, basically, I was, like, well, it's a very small pool of things and they… Also, it almost seemed that the number of web-sites… I kept getting a new web-sites and new things that seemed to be just not connected that all had the same people, and it felt rather than being, like, different groups of people all working together, it felt like, there was more, like, a… a very wide number of enterprises in a way being presented in a way that was obfuscating, of being like, "Hang on a minute, like, what… what… what's going on here?" Like, these… All these different things all seemed to be the same people over and over again, like what…
LOG
They were just presented in a different way?
MATT
Yeah, and like, it was like a… It kind of felt like maybe it is a network, but it… my… my… my gut was starting to feel like this is a somehow a false network, you know, like…
LOG
Well, no. There's… There's… I was going to say…
STEVE
Yeah.
LOG
…a network like "Maximum Fun" - it's quite open about all the members of their network.
MATT
Yeah, well it… it was just…
LOG
But, like, this feels like, you… If you, say, advertise they're… they're part of the same network right? This sounds like a complicated meta-network.
MATT
Well, that's the thing. It felt… It felt weird. It felt like I was having to spend a long time looking at these things to get anywhere and not really getting anywhere but then also…
LOG
Have you produced a spider diagram like the gamergate one?
MATT
But, if I had, it would be much more professionally made than…
LOG
Yeah.
MATT
…than that shite. Errm, but… but yeah, basically, I realised then, one of the things they'd bought, Liberty Radio used to be actually a proper radio station. It used to have, like, like, Zoë Ball and stuff.
STEVE
I remember Liberty Radio.
MATT
Yeah.
STEVE
Yeah.
LOG
Zoë Ball?
MATT
Yeah.
STEVE
Yeah.
LOG
Is she in this?
MATT
No, she's not in this.
LOG
Oh, alright.
STEVE
She's fucking in charge of the whole thing!
LOG
Oh my God.
MATT
"She's playing all the strings!"
STEVE
Yeah.
MATT
No. But, no, she's not. I needed to clarify that. But…
STEVE
She's at the G-Man office.
MATT
But they bought this… They bought the radio station.
LOG
Oh! Oh, wow. Good, modern game reference!
MATT
Yeah. How long ago was that, Steve?
STEVE
"Half Life 3" is still in development.
LOG
Ahh!
MATT
Whatever.
LOG
What do you know, Steve?
LOG
What did you find out in that…
STEVE
I've already said too much!
MATT
It's "Conspiracy Special!" But no, errm, they… they clearly bought Liberty Radio, 'cos they were like, on the Liberty Radio web-site it was pimping all of these proper DJs they had in the past, but then all of their current DJs, and all of their current shows, were all like, a lot of Christian-related stuff and a lot of the people involved were the same shows that were on the TV channel that were on the things.
STEVE
Oh, did you email Zoë Ball?
MATT
No, I didn't. I… As I said, I did all this… all… the all this this afternoon.
STEVE
Can I email Zoë Ball?
MATT
You should. Thing is, if a journalist… If a proper journalist is listening to this, they should totally follow all this up, because this is not proper journalism. I've done, like, a real hash job, but I've definitely put together a dossier for somebody. Anyway, errm, the thing is, basically, I realise that… that… the weird thing about this that makes sense is it's all very well to have this whole like, yeah, there are connections between things, but I thought, "Well, hang on a minute, why are, like, two of these different, the radio and the show and the TV show that all seem to be mostly the same people? Why are they, like, two separate sponsors?" Like the… This isn't the case of being like, "Hey, these companies are related!" It's like, they're both sponsoring an event.
STEVE
Mmmm.
MATT
I was like, they appear to be really closely linked, and stupidly, the last part of this that I looked at, was, errm, the UK's… K… the UCKG HelpCentre, and that was the last sponsor.
LOG
Was this UK-based?
MATT
Well, no it's not actually.
LOG
Oh, sorry.
STEVE
It's UC-based.
MATT
It's UCKG…
LOG
Ahh.
MATT
…and the UCKG stands for "The Universal"… "The Universal Church of the Kingdom of God".
LOG
Oh that sounds quite religious.
STEVE
There's… There's the church that God set up…
MATT
Yes. That's the church originally set up by God. Now when I looked at this web-site…
STEVE
…in 1990's!
MATT
Now this web-site, like the piece in the puzzle…
LOG
When… When Suede were formed.
MATT
The thing was, off-topic, I've been listening to loads of Manson recently. They were pretty good.
LOG
Ah, "Stripper Vicar"'s alright.
MATT
"Stripper Vicar"'s alright. But, I mean, you know, they're not amazing, but they got a couple of good songs. "Wide Open Space" is pretty good.
LOG
Yeah. "Wide open space!"
STEVE
I don't… I wanna say, I don't know what a shell company is…
LOG
Err…
STEVE
…but…
LOG
They… They're a… They… They make oil?
STEVE
I just want… The… The Shell Company, yeah.
MATT
Well…
STEVE
I just wanted to say "shell company".
MATT
…the thing is, right?
STEVE
I think shell companies are involved in this somehow.
MATT
As soon as I went on the web-site for the Universal Church of the Kingdom of God, I saw links immediately to Liberty Radio, TV My Channel and all of these people, all these different shows, all these different personalities, all these different characters that I'd seen on all the other web-sites and it was like, okay, well we've got three out of four of the sponsors, clearly they're just massively interlinked in terms of the… the people they use and the connections to all that stuff, and that's why Ferbogar remains this weird outside thing of a Portuguese labour company. I'm like, "What the fuck is that about?" All I know about them is the fact they started a year ago which is suspect for reasons that we'll get to in a bit. Anyway, errm, I… I'm sorry, I didn't realise this was going to be journalism when I started doing this feature, but anyway, basically, then I carried on.
STEVE
Don't… Never apologise for journalism.
MATT
Okay. Then I realised, right, that, basically, The Universal Church of the Kingdom of God was formed in 1977 in Brazil, okay? Now, it was formed on the basis of, well, this was the basis that was said and the fact that lots of churches in Brazil were not looking for… looking out for people who were poor and this was supposed to be a church that was for people who were, basically, downtrodden and poor and a church for everybody and anybody could be, you know, helped and looked after, which sounds like a really good thing and it may have been a good thing at one point but we'll get back to that. Anyway, it arrived in the UK, 'cos it's spread since internationally. It arrived in the UK in 1995 and was set up at that point when it was in the UK because perhaps it's easier to do in the UK, I don't know. It set up then at that point as a registered charity. So it isn't… We're talking about a registered charity here.
LOG
Right, okay.
MATT
And, I was looking into this then. I was like, "Okay, well like, what the fuck is this church?" I know a bit about Christianity. I know a different… about the different sects of Christianity, my dad's a… a vicar, that's… and all that stuff. So, I'm interested in that stuff.
STEVE
Is he involved?
MATT
Yeah, unfortunately I've had to cut off all ties in the past three hours. No, errm, but I looked up and I was trying to work out, basically, "Alright, are you good Christians or bad Christians?" and I got my answer from this - it's this "We believe in a"… one of the many bullet points of what they believe on there. Most of this is done from their official web-sites.
STEVE
"Do evil".
MATT
We believe… We believe in the reseviction… the resurrection, the just, and the unjust, the eternal blessings of the redeemed and the eternal banishment of those who have rejected salvation. So they're dicks, basically. They… They…
LOG
The…
MATT
They're the bad sort.
LOG
Okay, so…
STEVE
Hello?
LOG
…it's eternal salvation or eternal punishment?
MATT
Yes.
LOG
Is that what they're saying?
MATT
It's all… all or nothing. If you reject salvation, then it's eternal punishment for you, so…
STEVE
And "resurrection of the unjust"? Fucking zombies?
LOG
Yeah, what the fuck? So, everyone who ever died…
MATT
But it doesn't make any sense.
LOG
…was the… the rejected God? I mean…
MATT
It doesn't make any sense. Like, the eternal banishment of those who've rejected salvation?
STEVE
That's not what God teaches!
MATT
No, I know, it's like, the idea of, like,…
STEVE
God's like, fucking cool with everyone.
MATT
The whole… The whole point…
LOG
He's all like, "Whatev' bro!"
STEVE
"Whatev's!"
MATT
Yes. The whole point…
STEVE
"Just say you love me, and then in you come!"
MATT
That's the kind of… I mean…
LOG
Don't…
MATT
Yeah.
STEVE
"Go through the nudie machine and you can get on the plane. It's fine!"
MATT
That's the kind of boll.. Yeah.
LOG
"Love me for a reason. Let the reason be…"
MATT
"Let the reason be God!"
LOG
"God!"
STEVE
Yeah.
LOG
Yeah.
MATT
That's the kind of shit that I'm… I'm not behind, but can understand, you know? But, this sounds like bad shit, like, eternal banishment?
STEVE
That's nasty religion.
MATT
That's not… That's not good shit.
STEVE
Not cool.
LOG
"The banishment"… Unless it's banishment to the comfy room!
MATT
Seriously.
STEVE
Yeah. Cool your jets.
MATT
Yeah, cool your jets, guys. Anyway, errm, I… I started looking into the fact that on this web-site of the UKCG or whatever, you see… No, it's not that, it's UCKG. They were, like, basically saying they… one of the tabs was "Properties" and I was like, "What the fuck is 'Properties'?" and he, like, is this Foxton's or what? Errm, and I realised they had this thing of, basically, being, like, errm, this was the funny bit of copy on the web-site that I quite enjoyed. "After ten years at this address in Sheperd's Bush, The HelpCentre was given less that twenty-four hours to find an alternative place to hold its meetings!"
STEVE
What, they were evicted?
MATT
Basically, yeah. Errm…
LOG
They were told to fuck off because they're a hate group.
STEVE
Yeah.
MATT
"The shear injustice was the fact that the UK… UCKG", I keep doing that, "have been faithful in fulfilling its obligations under the contract but now faced with eviction. Nonetheless, instead of arguing, the HelpCentre raised its cry to God and without delay He answered, giving us a building in the heart of Hammersmith". I love the way that sometimes people who are religious talk about the world…
STEVE
Yes. Yeah.
MATT
…in a way that, like, you go "God, can you sort us out with a property?"…
STEVE
Well, to be fair…
MATT
…and He goes "I'll sort you out with somewhere in the heart of Hammersmith".
LOG
"God!"…
STEVE
God… God does own a lot of …properties around Hammersmith.
MATT
There's a bit towards the end of this though that may explain why they were evicted that I discovered recently. Anyway…
LOG
Oh my God! How far off?
MATT
Errm, basically, yeah, this is… this is… the thing. This is… I mean… I… I was like, this is why I was partially late this evening. It's like, I kept going and going and going.
STEVE
No, you realise that this is…
MATT
A comedy podcast?
STEVE
…this is a comedy podcast? It's not "This American Life".
MATT
I know, right?
LOG
This is beginning to be a… You… Your…
STEVE
We should put some plinky-plonky "This America Life" music …
LOG
Some… Something that lasts. Some soundtrack. Hang on.
MATT
But at this point, things got interesting. "Nobody could've known what happened next".
LOG
"After the break".
MATT
"After the break. This is 'This American Life'. You're listening to something sponsored by a radio station or something".
STEVE
"Coming up next, what happens".
MATT
"What happens".
LOG
"Why not… Why not buy your dildos from Adam and Eve…"
MATT
"What happens when you try…
LOG
…"and leave it?"
MATT
try to recreate a ancient Jewish temple? Find out next week on 'This Regular Features Life'".
LOG
"Legal Zoom is not a real legal company".
MATT
Yeah! Why do they say that?
LOG
Because it's not a real legal company!
STEVE
Fucking insecure or what, Legal Zoom?
LOG
Get a fucking… Get a qualification guys!
MATT
Or just change your fucking name. Jesus!
STEVE
"Is not a law firm"!
MATT
Anyway, this is what kind of start to confuse me at this point, right, was I was looking on this web-site and they had bishops at their church and, at this point, it seemed partially Jewish, like, there were some people involved with this that were Jewish, but some were Christian and some were Jewish and I'm like, "I'm fucking confused by this because my understanding of it is that the Jewish bible is what the heart of…
STEVE
Yeah.
MATT
…and there are similarities but…
STEVE
Well, you can't have a Jewish bishop.
MATT
It's different because, like, you.. you have like, the Old Testament and New Testament, and even the Old Testament has some stuff that Jewish religion is based on. It's like, you can't just… They're not that interchangeable, like, there are differences. They have similar foundations but they're fucking different.
LOG
Oh, fundamental differences! I… I… I think most people who…
MATT
Yeah!
LOG
…are profound… deeply profound members of their religions will agree that there are differences between them!
MATT
So I was getting fucking confused at this point. The fact that it seemed to be this "What the fuck is this church?" 'cos they… or… I read through all of the details about what the religion was about and I thought "Okay, it's just Christian. It's, like, bit post-pont… Pentecostal and all that stuff".
STEVE
Bet it was… is Catholic, but once money was involved…
MATT
No.
STEVE
…the fucking Jews came in.
MATT
Jesus, Steve! Thank you for continuing this… this comedy role This is a… I… It's fine. It's fine.
STEVE
Get your…
MATT
It's… It's knowingly tongue-in-cheek 'cos our…
STEVE
The racism bingo card.
MATT
I'm worried that somebody who's going to listen to this podcast because it's apparently of journalistic interest, and they're just going to, like, "Jesus! I did find that podcast interesting but I wish they weren't so fucking awful!"
STEVE
They're launching two investigations after this podcast!
MATT
Yeah, precisely. Two! One… First one - "Mr Stephen". But, no, I started to get, err, problems now. This was the point where I started to feel like my God, my… my… my… my spider sense was not wrong. First of all, like, it talked about how, like, if you… if you want to fix problems in your life then it involved you starting a chain of prayer, and a chain of prayer is actually quite clever, err, considering they've invented this a long time ago, almost predates video games in the way that… the way you have to do this is you have to basically keep coming back again and again and again and again, and if you break your chain of prayer…
LOG
What, praying-combo?
MATT
Yes, it's a prayer-combo.
STEVE
Mmmm.
MATT
So, what you have to do is, you have to agree with your pastor about what your chain of prayer needs to be.
STEVE
Pasta?
MATT
It's… yeah. Pasta, yeah. I know it's funny, Steve. I… I appreciated the parity of linguistics here - it's amusing.
LOG
Linguine? A linguine stinks!
MATT
Is it? Ohh. Ohh.
STEVE
Oh, God.
LOG
And the rest!
STEVE
That's right, pray continue.
MATT
But it's the idea that, basically, you have to have a chain of prayer for a certain period. You agree… you have to talk to your pastor about it and, err, it's… I can… I can see its hands, like pasta! I'm so, so nervous.
LOG
But you know what? So… Oh, God. So what… What… What broke the journalism spell?
STEVE
Oh, God! Talk to your pasta!
MATT
We're like, we're… we're never gonna be… We're never gonna to be living through this. We're never going to be living through this just because…
STEVE
Just don't say "talk to your pasta" again.
MATT
Okay. Talk to your bit…
LOG
Don't mention any kind of… anything that sounds like pastors 'cos that'll break us.
STEVE
Oh, and there… there are so many pastas so watch what you say.
MATT
I know, right? Let me just… Let me just penne down a list of rules!
LOG
Oh, fuck.
MATT
Err, no.
STEVE
Well, yeah.
LOG
Oh, no, you've broke it. Well done.
MATT
Well, you know, I've broke it. I've broke it.
LOG
I'm normal now, thank you.
MATT
I've soaked the magic with a shit pun.
STEVE
Yeah.
MATT
It's a good school. Anyway, basically, the idea is this chain of prayer - it… it even says don't start a chain of… if… if you don't think you can complete a chain of prayer it's better not to start one and start one which you fail.
STEVE
Oh.
MATT
So the idea is…
STEVE
Like an actual combo 'cos…
MATT
Yeah, like a combo.
STEVE
…you leave yourself open to a counterattack.
MATT
Absolutely.
LOG
Yeah.
MATT
But then the idea is, you have to keep coming in every day and it said one of the… one of the important rules of this which you have to come to the Sunday Service every week. It's like one of the key rules of a chain of prayer, so it's like…
LOG
Donation?
MATT
It basically seemed like, the thing is, on the web-site there was no mention of any money involved whatsoever at any stage in any of these web-sites and I, I honestly, I rinsed stuff, fuck out of all of these web-sites. I spent a long time researching this. I went mental, I'm not gonna lie, but I… I seemed to be… you had to keep coming back for a period otherwise your life wasn't going to improve, and it seemed like the idea was if you stopped at any point that would break your combo, your prayer combo…
LOG
Hey, yeah.
MATT
…and whatever you wanted to happen would not happen and I was kind of like, that's… this sounds a lot like logging on every day to play a shitty free-to-play game or something.
STEVE
Mmmm.
LOG
Well, yeah. You get coin bonus. "Puzzle and Dragons"!
MATT
Yeah.
LOG
It sounds like "Puzzle and Dragons" to me.
MATT
The other thing that made me question… It was the fact that the… It seemed to be that they had this… this… this… hierarchy was, basically, the best people were bishops, below that pastors, anyway, hopefully we've got past that. Anyway, then, below that it was, basically, three tiers of volunteers and I… it seemed to be that, basically, it said the way people become pastors or bishops was through service, so basically it meant the only way to become one of the high-ranking people within this church establishment was through volunteering, and again, these two things in combination I thought, "They're asking a lot of people here. They're asking a lot of people", I mean.
LOG
Mmmm.
STEVE
Mmmm.
MATT
And I was like, this seems weird. Okay, so then I moved on, and then I realised that, basically, this was one thing that I discovered on the Wikipedia page talking about this… this religion, and it says…
LOG
The rabbit hole ends on the Wikipedia page of the religion.
MATT
Well…
LOG
Journalism subverted!
MATT
…Admittedly… Admittedly I should've done my research in a better order.
STEVE
Did you find a BBC article all about this?
MATT
I found a few articles about them. Errm, but interestingly, they're not about The Love School. This is a new thing.
STEVE
Right.
MATT
Err, so, it's still vaguely relevant, errm, but, basically, it said "The UCKG does not believe that the sacrifice of Jesus Christ is sufficient enough to work in the congregant's life today, therefore they teach their member of the church has to 'sacrifice' what they depend on to God through the church (for example, all of their income, their savings, etc.) twice a year", and they refer to this as the "Campaign of Israel". Again, this weird mishmash of…
STEVE
Yes.
LOG
Ohh, what?
MATT
Like, so basically, the idea is that you… you have to give something that is meaningless.
STEVE
'Cos Jesus's… Jesus… crucifying him… and getting himself crucified wasn't enough? It didn't last long enough? Cos' they're…
MATT
That's the thing.
STEVE
…they're basically saying "that's one off now".
MATT
And, again, they also consider that "hard work, perseverance and faithfulness to God will produce earnings for people". They have this belief that, like, by giving you will gain through the church.
LOG
Oh, for fuck's sake.
MATT
And a tithe of expected earn… earnings should be given to the church. So, basically, it's a doctrine called "Prosperity Theology" and, because of this, I realised that this church has been regularly attacked as being charlatans…
LOG
Yeah. Yeah.
MATT
…in the fact that they… they are charlatans.
STEVE
Mmmm.
MATT
Errm, but this is when, again, things just went fucking full-on mental…
LOG
Oh my God!
MATT
…is the fact that, basically, right, have you heard of the Temple of Solomon?
LOG
No.
MATT
Right, the Temple of Solomon was a…
STEVE
There was a game called Solomon's Temple.
MATT
Well, this… it was an ancient Jewish temple.
LOG
I've heard of the Emperor Solomon's key. Solomon's Key was a brilliant…
STEVE
Oh, I was thinking of Solomon's Key!
LOG
Yeah
STEVE
Yeah.
LOG
Okay.
STEVE
Fucking good game on the Atari ST.
LOG
It were… It was really good.
STEVE
Fucking go get that on an emulator.
MATT
This is a ancient temple, right, which was a ancient Jerusalem temple, and it was, basically, it was destroyed many years ago. Whatever, whatever. I… Basically, but the modern day Jews are, basically, hoping 'cos it was… There were two versions of the temple and they both collapsed and now a Mosque exists - it's called "The Dome of the Rock" which…
STEVE
Is…
MATT
…is a mosque built on the original site of the temple but, because of that, now lots of modern-day Jews want to rebuild the Temple of Solomon… Solomon in Jerusalem.
STEVE
The one thing I know about… I need… That's what…
MATT
You were gonna say something racist again, Steve?
STEVE
That's what… No. That's…
LOG
I think he's gonna say something about The Rock The Movie where the… the… the Phial of green radioactive shit's rolling around - is that…
STEVE
Oh, no. I do mention that often but Solomon's Temple is the origin of the phrase "Open Sesame".
LOG
Is it?
STEVE
Think so.
MATT
Yeah, maybe, maybe, just don't know.
STEVE
Don't Google that in case I'm wrong, but I think I'm right
LOG
Yeah.
MATT
Just believe Steve, and move on. Errm, the… Yeah, but…
LOG
That's… That's my favourite variation of the "Keep Calm and Carry On"… those tee-shirts.
STEVE
"Believe Steve"!
MATT
But the 2DLR… TDLR of this whole is the fact that there… a lot of modern day Jews want to rebuild the Temple of Sorra… Solomon in Jerusalem but because now a mosque exists where the temple exists which I imagine is a… all sorts of fucking fist-shaking antics relating to that.
LOG
Ohh.
STEVE
Argy-bargy.
MATT
But they… It means that lots of people, apparently, regularly will hope and pray for an earthquake to occur which will destroy…
STEVE
Yeah.
MATT
…that mosque, so…
STEVE
If they're not careful, those Jews and Muslims, they're gonna get in a bit of an argy-bargy.
MATT
There's going to be a pickle, isn't there? Yeah.
LOG
Why don't they make a bloody lovely half-synagogue-half-mosque…
STEVE
Building? A Mosquegogue!
MATT
Because they… They just… They're not Regular Features and they're not Mosquegogues!
LOG
And just… And just… Just all just run around each other playing tag or playing…
MATT
It would be great, wouldn't it?
LOG
Yeah.
MATT
It would be great.
STEVE
Or, pretend the other person's visible. Go "Oh, can you hear a fly praying cos I"…
LOG
No.
STEVE
…"I certainly can't!"
LOG
"Yeah. I don't… What, that mumbo-jumbo that lot are saying? Doesn't even register".
STEVE
No.
MATT
Anyway, this is when I realised that, basically, one of the links on… on the web-site.
LOG
No, that's… That's not… That's not… Sorry.
STEVE
That's not helpful to either party is it?
LOG
No.
MATT
So one of these links on this Christian web-site was about the Temple of Solomon, an ancient Jewish temple and it was about the fact they were raising funds from the churches, so this was people talking money from people who visit churches to rebuild the Temple of Solomon, and I was like, "Well, hang on a minute?" On… on this web-site about the Temple of Solomon, they were talking about how it was in Jerusalem and how they were waiting for this holy earthquake to happen and fuck up this mosque so they could rebuild it.
STEVE
Mmmm.
LOG
I was like, "Well, hang on a minute. That hasn't happened so are you just taking money on the prospect of this happening?" and then I realised that, no, they were going to rebuild the Temple of Solomon in full, a replica as close as they could from biblical scriptures which is, let's be honest, pretty fucking vague, in Brazil in São Paulo,…
STEVE
Wow, not even nearby.
MATT
…and then, I realised…
STEVE
Not so much they could move it by a helicopter when it did eventually collapse.
MATT
Then I realised that it actually has already happened. They started this in 2010. It's fucking huge. It's about fifty-five metres tall. It's like, a hundred metres… a hundred… It's massive.
LOG
It exists now?
MATT
It already exists. You can now Google "Solomon Temple São Paulo". It is as close to replica of the original temple but it's in Brazil.
STEVE
And built of sugar cubes!
MATT
Well, no. It's built of stones.
LOG
Thank God it never rains in Brazil.
MATT
Some of the stones were actually taken over from Jerusalem - that original temple stones and shit.
STEVE
From the back of the mosque when the Muslims weren't looking.
MATT
Errm, so that's just like, okay, hang on a minute. What the fuck? They eventually built this insane thing. It's… It's estimated, and this is the point where I was like, "What the fuck is happening?", and then this is the point at which it all came full-circle and I literally sat back and went "What the fuck?" was on the blog for the Temple of Solomon, this ancient replica Jewish temple they built in Brazil of all places, was, errm, the construction site being visited by Renato Cardoso who is the… the… guy on the poster I saw on the tube from The Love School, right?
STEVE
My God!
MATT
He was also a bishop for UCKG and at this point I then realised that his wife who is the woman on the posters on the tube for The Love School, Christiane Cardoso, is his partner for the live ticketed show about how to improve your relationships that isn't religious, was the daughter of the man who founded the Universal Church of the Kingdom of God!
LOG
That… At that point there, that's where you would end a Private Eye story. It… It would… Admittedly, it would have been a Private Eye story that took up all the pages of the magazine.
MATT
And, err, yeah, this…
LOG
My God, that's just fuck…
MATT
And this is the finale, basically.
LOG
Oh my God, there's more!
MATT
This is the finale. It's basically, then I started looking up onto the… I… I started…
STEVE
You met him?
MATT
Well, no. I… Then I met him for a chat in a coffee shop.
STEVE
You cornered him in the street?
MATT
He's dead.
STEVE
And I killed him.
MATT
No, I… I… then realised…
LOG
My aunt came in with a gun, and said it's better that he dies now.
MATT
Well, listen, this is the point where it's pure conjecture but it's all started to come in together and I'm like, hang on a minute, we've got this company that has…
STEVE
Shall we get Sandra in legal? Shall we run all this past Sandra in legal before we move on?
MATT
We should probably run this past Sandra in legal, but I realised that, apparently, it cost the temple… The temple they'd bought cost approximately three hundred million dollars to build…
STEVE
Mmmm hmmm.
MATT
… - this replica in São Paulo and that was orm… all done with money from, you know, it was donation money mostly. Errm, and that's the thing, is I kind of thought to myself, "Ah". That's when I started putting pieces together, and I didn't, you know, not… not saying this but I would have thought…
LOG
I honestly think you've said "That's when I started putting pieces together" fifteen times during this story!
MATT
Actually I have, I apologise. I'm not a proper journalist.
MATT
Well, no, no. It's just… It…
STEVE
There's so many pieces have to be put into place.
MATT
It… This is a saying, this.
LOG
Every… Every… Every one who's followed by a… a revelation.
MATT
It… That's it. It's mental. It kept going and going and going, and it was like, what the fuck is… What? How? What the fuck? But anyway, yeah, so they spent three hundred million dollars.
STEVE
It's how I feel when I do a jigsaw. What? It's… It's a fucking flower! Oh! It's a bee! It's a bee coming towards a flower.
MATT
Okay.
LOG
"No way! Why is it always a surprise? Why didn't I just look at the lid of the box of the jigsaw?"
STEVE
That's true.
MATT
So, this… this… this… like, I kind of, then this started to make me think, well, hang on a minute, maybe the fact that this newly formed, err, construction, like, labour co… well, labour company, Portuguese labour company from… that was founded a year ago. I thought, "Mmmm, this is interesting - this company that had just spent an absolute fortune on building a building with, err, religious based money", and I thought, "Mmmm, it's interesting that this newly founded UK based Portugal… Well, not UK office of a Portuguese building company. It started to make me think, "Ah, maybe there's something going on here"…
STEVE
Mmmm.
MATT
…"with the fact that they're taking money from churches to build stuff?" I thought… I suppose if you're doing that - if you're taking money from church-goers in donations to build structures, then maybe it be wise, if you're continue… going to continue to do that, to have an investment in construction and labour companies? That would seem like, to me, if you want to make a lot of money…
LOG
So, the cup was, they've got every… every part of the chem… petrochemical industry that…
MATT
Yeah.
LOG
…they've got to take down. Yeah.
MATT
My cynical mind started think to money, made me… me think, "Well, maybe if you're interested in making money, that would be a way to make money" and then I looked up, finally…
STEVE
They're building Crossrail!
MATT
Then I looked up the… the father of the lady who's now doing this ticketed show in London about relationships and running this business about relationships and this guy is called Mass… Macedo and he appeared for the first time on… this was a thing on Forbes I found. He appeared for the first time on Forbes' billionaires ranking last year with a net worth estimated at 1.3 billion. The bulk of his fortune comes from his ownership of Rede Records, Brazil's second largest broadcaster which he acquired in 1990 from tycoon Silvio Santos. It's not clear where he got the money to buy the company. Brazil's public ministry has probed the question for more than ten years. Reports have suggested he used church funds, but he hasn't commented.
STEVE
Oh.
MATT
In addition to that, he has also eleven days in jail in 1992 on accusations of charlatanism and has been accused of other crimes such as money laundering, syphoning off charch… church funds for his own enrichment, although he was never convicted of these crimes. Apparently, a lot of people high up in the church have been accused, and yet not convicted, of laundering money and charlatanism. So, the moral of this, basically, in… in theory, is whilst I have nothing new of logic to… nothing new that I can prove…
STEVE
And no accusations to make.
MATT
And no accusations to make, what I can say is that when I saw a poster on a tube for a festival, err, a live ticketed festival for eleven thousand people about coming and enriching your relationship, and thought, "Something about that seems dodgy", it was the daughter and husband of a man who has been accused multiple times of laundering money and charlatanism, err, launching a new endeavour in the UK sponsored by a construction/labour firm which only started in the UK last year.
STEVE
Which functionally could operate as a money laundering operation.
MATT
Which functionally could… yeah, I don't know. I… I kind of feel like the whole thing is incredibly, incredibly dodgy.
STEVE
It's a reasonable suspicion to have, without making any accusations.
MATT
Without making any accusations. All… The only outtake from this is "My God, that was a lot of mental shit" and secondly, it turns out that when I look at things with cynical eye, I'm not entirely just being a cunt.
LOG
Well, let… let's hope a podcast or a… a TV company or media outlet that's less comedically orientated picks up this bone and runs with it.
MATT
Yeah, 'cos there's definitely something there if you want to actually, like, pick up the phone or anything, and not just look at web-sites. There's something there.
STEVE
Yeah.
LOG
I was itching to tell people about my anus all the way through that.
STEVE
Itching!
MATT
Instead, you just…
STEVE
About your anus!
MATT
…itched your anus!
LOG
Well, I left those words together in that sentence for a reason and you seized on it! I do need a piss now though.
STEVE
Well, we should wrap up this podcast. That was…
LOG
This one and a half hour fucking podcast.
STEVE
Well that was fucking intense. I do… Tell them how much you've edited out. They can subtract the actual runtime from that and then they'll know!
LOG
Well, I… There's not going to be more than ten minutes taken out of it, is there?
STEVE
Oh, I don't know. Sorry.
LOG
Fuck you!
STEVE
You were already factoring in that amount of…
MATT
Well, I hope you enjoyed this… this insane triple piece of…
STEVE
That was fantastic.
LOG
Woo!
MATT
I promise…
STEVE
I feel like…
LOG
A real sound effect.
MATT
I promise I'll never do a journalism ever again.
• JINGLE •
"Why do bums suddenly explode?"
STEVE
Well, are there still tickets for the Nottingham show that we're doing next week?
MATT
I have no idea.
STEVE
There might be.
MATT
There might be a couple, yeah.
STEVE
Errm, but that's happening next week, in Nottingham at Log's pub, at The King Billy.
MATT
Mmmm hmmm.
LOG
It's not next week! It's a month off yet!
STEVE
Isn't it?
MATT
It's a month off yet.
LOG
The end of October!
MATT
That's Log. You might not be able… it might be… I don't know. That's Log shouting "It's… It's next month" so you'll have definitely… There'll be a few tickets left, but not that many! So if you want to get on the next month's live show in Nottingham…
STEVE
Yes.
MATT
It is an option now.
STEVE
What is the actual date? Is it…
MATT
It's November the first…
STEVE
November the first.
MATT
…and if you…
LOG
The first of November!
MATT
Precise… Fuck off, Log! You're having a piss! You're not allowed to be on the podcast and have a piss! Jesus!
STEVE
There is… There is a live show. We should definitely put the details on our… 'cos I gave the wrong URL last week. I said eventbrite.com/regularfeatures which isn't even a fucking thing.
MATT
And, actually, if you haven't organised it yet, I'm do… the next day, we're doing a "Daft Souls" which is the games podcast that I do that these guys are also involved in and it's on the Sunday afternoon at about three o'clock so, if you haven't booked trains and stuff yet, get a ticket for both and just spend an inordinate amount of time in Log's pub.
LOG
You'd be mad to miss it, and also, the night before, Friday night, Thom Rosell's "Pod Your Live Adventure". He's a man who does a podcast in which you play the "Choose Your Own Adventure" books. You're not allowed to call them that because it's illegal - 'cos… due to the nature of the Trades Des…
STEVE
Oh, really?
LOG
Yeah, so, errm, fighting… People used to call fighting fantasy games "Choose Your Own Adventure" books because it's more, kind of, what's the word for it, intuitive name to call them?
STEVE
Yeah.
MATT
Mmmm.
LOG
But no! No, they jealously guard that trademark and would run around you.
STEVE
That's like if… if ID trademarked "first-person shooter".
LOG
Well…
MATT
Everyone would just call them "First-Person Shitters" to spite them.
STEVE
"First Person Poopers". Yeah! Are you happy now ID?
LOG
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
MATT
Jesus guys!
LOG
So, anyway, "Pod Your Live Adventure" is on Friday night and that's well worth going to too.
STEVE
That's fucking three in…
LOG
Friday night is my night off in the pub so I might… And also, Midnight Resistance will be a part of it. They're… They're a couple of awesome fuckers, I…
MATT
That's right.
LOG
…I might…
MATT
A handful. A straggle.
STEVE
It's a weekend of podcasts at The King Billy. I think we should probably just put a… make a post on either the blog or on the Patreon page…
MATT
Yeah.
LOG
Mmmm.
STEVE
…where we just explain everything that's going on…
LOG
Yes.
STEVE
…and that's…
MATT
We should have put them all up at the same time but next time we'll do that.
STEVE
Yeah. I'm gonna do that.
LOG
Well, that's cool. Regular Features has nearly sold out so you really, really…
MATT
Yeah, Regular Features has nearly sold out. Err, you've probably still got time for the other ones so get on that train!
STEVE
And, if you like Regular Features, go to patreon.com/regularfeatures where you can help support the podcast…
LOG
Yeah.
STEVE
…and err…
MATT
If you follow Paul…
STEVE
…you might have seen some of the obscene birthday cards that we've been sending people. If you support Regular Features, we will send you drawings of penises and insults to your mother.
LOG
And here's two… two people who've recently become Patreons of Regular Features that I'd like to give a personal shout out to - Jo Saunders, I'm going a go and say hello to you one day, you big beefy bugger!
MATT
I love Jo Saunders, she's great!
LOG
And also, isn't… she's nice.
MATT
Yeah.
LOG
And also, Dan Harland, ooh, you big British Airways flight steward, you. I'm… One day, I'm gonna pummel your abs with my lips.
STEVE
British Airways steward?
LOG
Yeah, he's just got a job.
STEVE
Fucking, no small… No fucking budget airline for him!
LOG
Yeah, and he… one dollar fifty a… an episode!
STEVE
Ooh!
LOG
So, thank you.
STEVE
More than the amount required to get a birthday card…
LOG
Thank you for going for…
STEVE
…which is one dollar.
LOG
And we are going to have to fucking limit that soon. We're gonna have to up… because we're gonna get inundated with… we're gonna have too many fucking cards to draw soon! We can't be that unique and brilliant.
MATT
Mmmm. Well, this is the problem isn't it, I guess? Also, we got people gaming the system - just doing it for one month and getting a card and fucking off, but I mean, you've gotta ask your…
LOG
Well, that's… that's what we're gonna do. We… We…
MATT
You've got to ask yourself what kind of a person are you if you do that. Do you really want our love?
LOG
I… I think we need to…
MATT
Do you know that you don't have to do it?
LOG
We need to not be… not to send cards out to people we've got no money from because…
MATT
Yeah.
LOG
…we could fucking bankrupt ourselves that way.
MATT
It's just…
STEVE
Yeah.
MATT
We technically could.
STEVE
Wow.
MATT
But also, just like,…
LOG
I've spent two quid posting a card to fucking Belgium!
MATT
Yep, I think what we need to do is, we need to send out a blank message that if you do that, we inherently hate you, so if you end up having a card on your mantelpiece from people…
STEVE
You're a baddie!
MATT
…then, like, it… that… everything writ in that card is irrelevant because… or even the existence of that card, because we hate you 'cos you've just gamed us.
STEVE
Don't…
MATT
So…
STEVE
Just don't be a dick, right?
MATT
That's a good rule.
STEVE
We… We do this because we love you.
LOG
Don't… Don't… Don't Patronise us and expect a card the next day.
MATT
That's another rule, as well 'cos we are useless. That is fine. Although recently I had a bunch of people saying that they were going to Patronise Regular Features off the back…
STEVE
One thing you can…
LOG
Hurray!
STEVE
…a way that you can support us that there's no way that we could be scammed is if you go… if you're going to buy a video game, go to greenmangaming.com/regularfeatures and just buy that through those guys…
MATT
Yeah.
STEVE
…and we get a small cut of that.
MATT
I might do that this week.
LOG
I've also…
STEVE
You don't pay any extra…
MATT
A game.
STEVE
…to do that and we just get a small cut because we pointed you towards that.
MATT
So yeah, if you… if you are somebody who enjoys playing video games and you had a… have any other cash then just do that.
LOG
Yeah.
STEVE
They often have good sales, and I'm saying that not because they sponsor us, just 'cos they do…
LOG
Do you mind if I take…
STEVE
…and a little bit 'cos they sponsor us!
LOG
I'm going to take the Amazon advert off our front page now because I've recently read what a fucking shit-lord Amazon is, so…
STEVE
Are they not paying their taxes?
LOG
I don't… I don't want any part of Amazon.
STEVE
I got a laptop. They accidentally refunded me for a laptop. Errm, and I… I don't mind. I'm putting it on public record. Amazon, you fucking gave me my money back and I told you not to refund me and you did and I don't give a shit.
LOG
So, what… what part of the high street did you destroy, Steve?
STEVE
Yeah! No, I'm… I'm… I'm taking back the money that should have gone back to the fucking tax payers or something like that.
MATT
Fuck the mans!
STEVE
Yeah. That was a…
LOG
Well, this is a two-hour now. Let's go! Just go! Everyone, stop listening to it and just put your headphones away.
MATT
Stop it.
STEVE
I need to fucking piss everywhere now.
MATT
Good bye.
STEVE
Bye bye.
LOG
Bye bye.
• JINGLE •
"Come with me, and we'll be, in a world of Regular Fa-heatures!"
CLOSING CREDITS ROLL