Award Winning Lego Finger-Spritz

Matt prepares a humble speech for an award ceremony he can't attend, Gav follows a stranger around an awful art exhibition, and Steve investigates the chilling world of Boots product reviews.

Episode Call Sheet

Cast Member Feature Being Performed
Matt Lees "GMA Awards 2014"
Gav Murphy "Lego Exhibition"
Steve Hogarty "Steve's Been Looking at Reviews of Boots Product"

Script

STEVE
Let's go!
MATT
Hello, and welcome to Regular Features, the podcast that's all about you, the reader, and yeah, this is episode number…
GAV
109.
LOG
109.
STEVE
Feeling fine.
MATT
Nice.
GAV
Get in line.
LOG
Or, as they'd say in Romany, CIX.
MATT
Ohh.
LOG
…which is… which doesn't lead me anywhere.
MATT
I thought you…I thought you were going to make a joke about gypsies there.
STEVE
Well, if you…
MATT
I thought it was going to be like, "Bloody hell, what's he gonna say?"
STEVE
If you… If you walked past…
LOG
Yeah, well, I was hoping it would lead me somewhere. I've done things like before where I've got… it ended up at a joke. Not that time!
GAV
Jesus.
LOG
Sorry, I'm not super-human.
STEVE
"See"… "See", "one", "ex" - those are all words!
LOG
"See"?
STEVE
Like, if you walked past your boyfriend, an old boyfriend in the street - see one ex!
LOG
Oh yeah, or if you… if you walked past a chicken…
GAV
If you talked into a computer - "C 1X".
MATT
Good God, this is bad. Anyway, let's start a podcast.
LOG
What if…
STEVE
It's good!
LOG
What if an ocean won a lottery and won an egg? "Sea won eggs!"
STEVE
Brilliant! Is that all you…
GAV
It's inspired.
LOG
You see, it didn't go nowhere!
MATT
Let's put this…
LOG
Right.
MATT
…Let's release the entire thing on a t-shirt. But, yeah, errm, I… I'll kick off today's podcast with a feature. Shall we do a jingle now, or not?
GAV
Well, it sounds like we've start… stopped doing the intro. You've had enough of that did you, Matt?
MATT
It was pretty poor, wasn't it, let's be honest? Maybe it was just…
STEVE
Well,…
LOG
That was awesomely poor!
STEVE
…that was good.
MATT
Yeah, I mean, in a good way though. In a good way. Don't get me wrong.
GAV
Don't backtrack, you know we were shit!
STEVE
You were about to say, "Let's go again", weren't you?
MATT
No, no, I wasn't going to say "Let's go again".
STEVE
No.
MATT
It was… It was awesomely bad, but I didn't know where we could go from it.
STEVE
Fuck all of our readers! Okay?
GAV
You were gonna say it was shit, then as soon as we said it was good, you were like, "Yeah, yeah, I… I totally agree with you".
MATT
No, it wasn't.
GAV
You're the Richard Hammond of this podcast. It was…
MATT
It was shit. It was shit.
GAV
You're the one going, "Oh, Jeremy! Err, maybe you shouldn't say such racist things!" Then he says something, everyone else laughs, "Oh, Jeremy! That was fucking… that was lege man! That was lege! That was totes lege".
MATT
I'm not.
STEVE
Yeah, I enjoyed, like,…
GAV
You're Richard Hammond.
STEVE
…that in a good way. Yeah.
MATT
I'm not a fucking hamster.
LOG
He thinks I'm the Jeremy Clarkson of this!
GAV
Yeah, you're a Clarkson…
LOG
Oh, fuck!
GAV
…because you hate Jews.
LOG
Oh yeah, I do.
MATT
Let's end this podcast now.
GAV
How many… Wait, hang on. There's only… Oh, I'll… I'll be The Stig.
STEVE
Hey, wait… Aww, and I'm James May?
MATT
You can't be The Stig!
STEVE
I'm… I'm okay with being James May.
MATT
If you've just announced "I am The Stig" that means that this whole point is gone.
GAV
Oh wait, that means Steve's The Stig.
LOG
Always, unless he… unless he says…
STEVE
Yeah.
LOG
…"I am The Stig" and then I follow with "Or is he?"
STEVE
Oh, yeah.
GAV
Yeah.
STEVE
Question mark. Yeah.
GAV
You have to say that. Someone has to follow me around and say that. "I am The Stig!" Yeah. Cheers mate.
MATT
Yeah, that's a good point. Maybe he isn't. Maybe he isn't.
LOG
While you go around getting laid for being The Stig, but someone else has to be in… in the room with you, fucking shouting "He might not be The Stig, you know?" There's every chance!
GAV
Which is constantly.
MATT
"There's a chance he isn't!"
STEVE
We saved that introduction by… with lots of introspection there. That was good.
MATT
Yeah, that was good.
STEVE
Well now we can do a jingle
• JINGLE •
"I Depend On Things"
• FEATURE •
"GMA Awards 2014"
Written and Performed by
Matt Lees
★ Rate This Feature ★
MATT
I thought I'd kick things off, kick this podcast off with a feature about the fact that err, now obviously next week there's a big awards ceremony.
STEVE
Mmmm.
GAV
You say "obviously", but a lot of people might not know it exists because it is…
MATT
I know, but that's the clever thing about exposition. If you start something off by saying "obviously"…
STEVE
Obviously.
MATT
…and then you explain it…
STEVE
And then if they… if people don't know that… about it, they'll feel embarrassed and not even admit it.
MATT
Yeah. It makes you seem like the GMA 2014 Awards are awards where, if you type it into Google, GMA, you don't get, like, vast amount of results that have nothing to do with it.
LOG
But, yeah.
MATT
So…
STEVE
Yeah.
LOG
But they do have… It's very hard to find anything…
MATT
It's the worst SEO in the world, but I mean in…
STEVE
It is.
GAV
Sorry, a lot of the fact… It's the fact that people call it "The GMA Awards". "Awards" is already in…
MATT
Yeah, I know.
GAV
… GMA!
STEVE
Yeah.
LOG
Don't be a PIN number loser, Gav! Don't be… Don't correct people for saying "PIN number"!
MATT
So, you search for that, you search… you search for GMA, you just don't find it…
STEVE
Yeah.
MATT
'Cos, you know, for age… It is important to remember that… that fundamentally it's not that important and nobody really knows what it is.
STEVE
It is important!
LOG
Yeah, it will be important this year when I draw it to the attention of #gamergate!
MATT
Precisely.
LOG
It's is a back-patting ceremony that I think they'd be interested in…
GAV
I think it only matters to the people in that room who've paid to be there. I think it costs something like,… I was talking to someone who actually paid for a ticket there.
MATT
It's quite expensive, isn't it?
GAV
It cost two hundred and ninety quid for a seat.
STEVE
Why?
LOG
You'd have to be an absolute cunt to pay that!
GAV
Yeah. Err, when I asked this guy why he paid it I was, like, well, like, he hadn't been nominated for anything, but also, his web-site, I'm not gonna say who it is, but his web-site, they… like, e… The people who organised it emailed him and said, "Oh, can you send us a bunch of, err, a bunch of your best work? Like, you're in the… you're in the shortlist for a Games Media Award" and he was like, "Oh, sweet! Okay, cool!" So he sent a bunch of stuff, and they sent an email back going "Yeah, you haven't been nominated though. Like, you didn't make the long list. Do you want to buy a ticket?" And he goes, like, "Ohh, yeah, I guess so. How much is it?" "Two hundred and ninety quid!"
LOG
Well, there's…
STEVE
Wow.
LOG
…I don't thing anything Intent Media do isn't a massive money-maker.
GAV
No, yeah, exactly.
STEVE
Yeah.
GAV
They do quite well, I think.
LOG
Yeah, I… Oh, I'm sure that, yeah, they do.
GAV
Yeah.
MATT
But let's focus on the positive side. Some of us… Some of us get to go home with plastic trophies.
GAV
That is right.
MATT
Quite high quality plastic trophies.
LOG
Hang on. Hang on. Is this going out before the GMA's?
STEVE
Yes.
LOG
I'd like to take back what I said about Intent Media, until the GMA's!
GAV
How fuck… Oh, yeah, it's going out… Feasibly it's going out…
MATT
On Thursday.
GAV
Yeah.
MATT
We do this… We've been doing this weekly for quite a while now, that is.
GAV
So it's gonna go… It's gonna go out in enough time for them to be able to etch any of our names who like, we've all been nominated for something, so they could technically etch all our names off and put another name on.
STEVE
It does take two weeks to etch a single name onto a GMA award.
GAV
A single letter!
STEVE
Yeah.
MATT
Yeah, it's very deep engraving.
STEVE
They've been etching these for a long time.
MATT
Very, very deep. Err, but yeah, obviously it's great 'cos it means that, you know, we've all been nominated again which is great I think. It doesn't really matter who wins with these things, it's just really nice that, I think, all of us guys have been nominated, one way or another, for a couple of years.
GAV
Yeah. I… I al… I always think that. I always think it doesn't matter which one of us wins because it just shows I think, I… I tweeted from the official account but it was like, it proves that, if any of us knew how to run a proper business or a web-site, we'd be the best damn games website…
STEVE
Yeah.
GAV
…in the world!
MATT
Can't we… I can't be…
GAV
So, if you're a rich investor, who wants to invest a load of money in us, do it.
LOG
Bring your venture capital. We've all got exit strategies. We are… We'll just…
GAV
We're alright, aren't we?
LOG
Yeah, I don't know what an exit strategy is in our situation, but I've… I've got it.
MATT
I'm gonna grow wings.
LOG
I mean…
GAV
Steamboats and fjords, that's my one!
LOG
I'm gonna…
MATT
You do steamboats, we're gonna…
LOG
I'm gonna burrow,…
MATT
Ah, yes!
LOG
…burrow to the middle of the Earth.
MATT
This is like Captain Planet but, instead of saving the world, we're just escaping it. I like that! I think that's got… I think that's got legs as a format. Errm, but yeah, basically, obviously this year, unfortunately, err, errm, you did nominate Regular Features for the podcast award, unfortunately, we didn't make the shortlist.
GAV
That's the only thing that I nominated myself.
MATT
Being… being that this isn't a video about video games.
STEVE
We had a Tomb Raider feature that one time!
LOG
And it's in…
GAV
We talk about games loads!
LOG
Everything we do is informed by video games…
GAV
Yeah.
LOG
…except me who now has… I haven't played a video game in three months.
GAV
We did talk about…
LOG
Except Hot Flight on Android, which is very good.
STEVE
Hey.
GAV
You talk about Shadows of Mordor before the podcast and then we all jumped on top of you and nuggied you and called you a nerd and said that…
LOG
Look at you, like you care!
MATT
Beating me up quite hard.
MATT
Err, but yeah, so basically, I… I'm really… It's great… It's great that we're all nominated, one way or the other, but this year, unfortunately, I can't make it on account of the fact that, err, it clashes with my girlfriends thirtieth birthday, and she's been having a rough time of it. She's been in hospital and stuff, so I'm gonna spend some time with her.
LOG
Oh, obviously that's important for you, but can I have your ticket and go on your behalf?
MATT
Well, that's the thing, is basically, Log is going to go along on my behalf.
LOG
I knew that.
MATT
Ahh.
LOG
I already knew I was going.
MATT
A plot twist for the readers!
LOG
There was a certain level of, is it dramatic irony there?
MATT
Yeah, maybe.
LOG
I was in possession of facts that the readers weren't.
MATT
It's a narrative tool.
LOG
It is indeed.
MATT
Oh, it is a narrative tool.
GAV
How many invites do you get per thing? Because, that's like,…
MATT
Well, technically, I should get two 'cos I'm nominated for two things.
GAV
But, technically, you should get way more though, because the…
MATT
Really?
GAV
…Daft Souls podcast is more… is always three people, so…
MATT
Oh you, with your
LOG
I've gotta… Even if you get…
MATT
You've got to fight to get…
STEVE
You get representatives.
LOG
And a maga… a magazine gets nominated…
GAV
Yeah. Yeah.
LOG
…- they don't invite anyone but the editor.
MATT
Yeah, yeah.
GAV
Yeah.
LOG
And it's… it's just because that's… Every person they invite for free, is two hundred and ninety pounds that isn't.
GAV
Pounds, yeah, and it… the entire thing is run to make money, so yeah, that's making sense, yeah.
MATT
That's probably why I got nominated for two, they're just saving money, aren't they?
LOG
Absolutely.
GAV
Yeah.
MATT
Two birds, one stone!
GAV
Yeah
MATT
No, but as it is, basically, obviously, err…
LOG
Oh no, it's a worthwhile awards ceremony. We should reiterate that.
MATT
Yeah, we need to reiterate that.
GAV
Obviously that.
LOG
Yeah, we do.
MATT
Err, it's definitely.
LOG
Every one of us here… I mean, obviously, I'm not nominated for anything individually like you are this year, and that's heart-breaking because it's the first year since the GMA's have started that I haven't been.
STEVE
Ohh!
GAV
That makes them less credible.
LOG
But, then again, I'm not in the industry. Yeah, I'm not in the industry anymore…
GAV
Yeah.
STEVE
Well, yeah…
LOG
…so fuck you, guys!
STEVE
…that is what you get for leaving the games industry…
MATT
Leaving us!
STEVE
and no longer writing about games! You can't expect to continue being nominated for GMA!
LOG
What the fuck is your problem, Steve? Why can't you just let me be happy?
GAV
Yes, Steve!
LOG
That's the one…
GAV
Get on his side. Who's side are you on?
MATT
But yeah, I thought, basically, I… I'm unable to go, that's very sad, err, but I'm sending Jon, Mr Log Blyth, on behalf of me and…
LOG
You're my ticket into my ongoing love affair with video games.
MATT
But, also, it's not just that, it's a big responsibility 'cos I mean, like, you know, I'm sure I won't win, but if I do win, then obviously I need to send Log out there with some form of preparation, err, for how he should react if… if I do win an award. So, what I've done is I've sort of written a little… a little thing for you just go on the stage and say on… on the… the… wild off chance that I do win an award, so you have some preparation. But I was a bit worried, I mean, I know you've done a lot of stuff as well, but I know that you… you… you work better with scripts than you do…
LOG
Oh, absolutely.
MATT
…so, errm, I kind of want us just make sure you were prepared.
LOG
Thank you! I… I want to say, I appreciate a script, I… yeah.
MATT
So, I thought we could maybe have a run through this evening, now, with the… the…
LOG
Sweet.
MATT
Errm, and obviously, like, errm, Steve and Gav, err, you guys will be, errm, kind of like, I… This is a mixture. Some of the stuff I will expect to shout out from the audience in reaction to Logs' stuff but, as you see, as it progresses it's pretty likely that the audience will get into it, and you won't have to anymore because everyone will be doing it.
GAV
I sat with Steve once at the GMA's and he does… I've read through this and he does shout quite a lot of this stuff by himself…
MATT
He does, and I know…
GAV
…and that's true regardless of, err, who's on the stage.
MATT
I kind of think, like, it's in there as a script, but with you guys I think you will naturally just do that, so I don't really feel like you need to memorise it, but obviously Log is… some of this you will need to memorise. So, "Ladies and Gentlemen, on behalf of Matt Lees, Mr Jon Blyth!" Now it's standing ovation, so we get, err…
STEVE
Hey!
MATT
Everybody applauds 'cos Jon Blyth's pretty important…
STEVE
Hurray!
MATT
…you know, so everyone…
STEVE
Everyone… everyone loves log.
MATT
Precisely. It's a big deal.
STEVE
I accepted an award with someone once. As a warning, Log, they genuinely thought that I was confused and believed that I'd won the award.
LOG
You do do very good confusion!
GAV
What was this for?
STEVE
It's for Keith Stewart, winning, like, best person at writing about video games…
GAV
Oh, yeah, yeah.
STEVE
…and I went up.
LOG
Why did you go up?
MATT
Because you looked a bit like a young Keith Stewart.
STEVE
He asked me to!
LOG
What really? Keith Stewart?
GAV
Are you that good friends with Keith Stewart?
STEVE
I guess I am brilliant friends with Keith Stewart, yeah! Is that such a massive surprise to all of you?
GAV
Well, I don't think you've ever mentioned his name other than right now!
LOG
Right.
GAV
So… and you've been up to accept an award!
MATT
At one point… At one point, I went up to meet up with Steve to get something off, and he said… He was there for, like, five minutes, and he said "I've… Sorry, I've got to go. I've got to go and meet Keith Stewart".
GAV
"I'm accepting another award on behalf of Keith Stewart!"
MATT
"And his big buddy is with him!"
LOG
"We're platting each other's hair!"
MATT
Well, for those of you who don't know, it has been said a few times that Steve looks so much like Keith Stewart…
STEVE
Yeah.
MATT
…that it's possible they are the same person in a different timeline. So maybe you're not close friends
GAV
You also look nothing like him!
LOG
He looks like Danny Wallace.
MATT
Maybe they're the same people?
LOG
Oh, get on with your feature! "Hello ladies and…" Is that my voice?
MATT
Well, no, you can just be yourself, I think.
LOG
Okay.
MATT
I mean you…
LOG
"Hello ladies and gentlemen! My name is Jon Blyth. Unfortunately, Matt is unable to be here this evening".
GAV
"Bollocks!"
MATT
This… You… Steve, you haven't got your script!
STEVE
Oh, whoa! I should be having something in my hand?
MATT
Yeah, of course you are! This is a feature, Steve.
STEVE
Oh, you sent me an email and everything. It's just…
GAV
Even I knew this!
STEVE
Oh shit! Sorry. "This is an outrage!"
LOG
"Obviously this is disappointing to all of us, but the ceremony has to go on without Matt."
GAV
"No!"
STEVE
"Death to the pretender!"
GAV
"We want Matt!"
LOG
"Silence, peons!" That's…. That's my voice, right, isn't it? That's how I talk?
MATT
I… I… I… Yeah, I guess so. I mean…
LOG
"Silence, peons!"
MATT
That was… That line in particular is supposed to be shouted with… with kind of emphatic seriousness as if you will murder…
LOG
"Silence, peons!"
MATT
That's better. That's better. That's what I want.
LOG
"Silence, peons! I have been chosen as a powerful vessel, a chalice to carry a fragment of Matt's power, but only a little bit at a time, otherwise the power might spill out onto the carpets if I'm not being careful when going upstairs".
STEVE
"What are you talking about?"
LOG
"I'm talking about peace! I'm talking about love! I'm talking about the reason we all came here tonight, to bask in the shimmering wonder of Matt "Fucking" Lees!
GAV
"But he isn't here. I want my money back!"
LOG
"Of course he is. He is everywhere! Matt Lees lives inside all of us!"
MATT
And this'll be the point at which, errm, err, just…. just some… I don't want to kind of, like, direct you too much with this Log, but obviously the demonic edge, I love what you're doing with that, but I feel, like, in… on the night just try and, like, make it a bit more… It can have a bit of that but then maybe…
LOG
What, playful? A bit playful?
MATT
Maybe… Maybe a bit more into a kind of more uplifting tone, you know?
STEVE
Go a bit "Dick and Dom" with it, maybe?
GAV
Yeah.
LOG
Oh, okay.
MATT
You know, it's just… It is about love, and this is at this point…
LOG
Okay so, like, "Course he is. He's everywhere! Matt lives inside all of us!"
MATT
No, it's… I mean… still… I think we still need the power. I think we still need the, kind of, the drive.
LOG
Okay. You want half demonic, half "Dick and Dom"?
MATT
Yes.
LOG
Okay… We can start…
GAV
I mean, that's like "Dick and Demonic"!
LOG
"Course he is"…
MATT
Obviously, it's… You know, sort… It…
LOG
"Of course he is"…
MATT
This is… This is the first draft. It's for… You know, you can… you can think about… You've got time with this…
LOG
Cool.
MATT
…and, obviously, this is the point at which, err, I… I need to have words. As you'll see there's a few stage directions in there. I'll need to have words with the organisers and get all that stuff sorted in advance.
GAV
That seems like it's easy enough.
MATT
I don't want it to be your responsibility, guys. Errm, but this is the point at which Michael Jackson's
GAV
If it's anything like other years…
MATT
It should be easy.
GAV
…it'll be fine.
MATT
Yeah, I mean, this is the point at which Michael Jackson's "Earth Song" starts playing in the background. Errm…
STEVE
And Log's shirt blows off as he grips onto two trees.
MATT
Yeah! Yeah, but, no, no. I mean… Well yeah, that's a great idea actually. I hadn't written that in but what…
GAV
I must remember two prune trees.
LOG
The buttons rip open and my shirt turns into a kind of…
MATT
Yeah.
LOG
…cape flying backwards.
STEVE
Yeah.
MATT
You could have some fans as well. Yeah, brilliant…
LOG
Yeah.
MATT
…large fans. Alright, so I'll just start doing it, and you can carry on.
LOG
"Maybe he isn't here tonight because the world isn't ready for him? Maybe we have to learn to love each other before we can truly appreciate his presence? Maybe he stands in this room right now but our ignorant eyes are unable to perceive him?"
MATT
Yes. I still think you've got to work on the… the delivery of that, but then there's a booming voice comes out and this again… This will probably be speakers. Don't worry about that. We'll sort this out. There'll be…
LOG
I'll work on my delivery into your fucking anus in a minute!
GAV
Hello?
MATT
Log!
GAV
We have just spent about forty minutes…
LOG
I'm sorry. I do take… I'm not precious. I'm not a precious performer.
GAV
We've spent about forty minutes writing naughty things into a card so we are all bantzed up!
MATT
"You have done well Log. Your efforts in this world have being duly noted, but it will soon be time for you to move on. New adventures and new realms await you."
GAV
"But that sounds like?"
STEVE
"But it can't be!"
MATT
"It is I, Matt Lees, transcending time and space to be here in spirit even though unfortunately I am unable to be here in person in your physical realm. I leave you with a message. Love one another, even though sometimes it feels like your hearts might break after all the time you've spent loving me… loving me… loving me." And then we'd echo at that point. Then we have pyrotechnics, and errm, hopefully a sort of, like, New Dawn VFX of light, kind of, breaking from behind the stage as if it's, like, a new day, you know? People can start thinking about their lives and why… And that sort of thing, like, you know? There would not… I'm not going to say that explicitly, but, you know, just get people thinking, you know?
GAV
I'm gonna take all the bits out of this recording of you just saying this and be, like, tell 'em on the night, be like, "Oh, hi, errm, err, Matt with Gav. Errm, he said can you just play this, err, if… 'cos… if he wins, like? He's not expecting to win, but if… if he does win, can you just play this?" And it'll just be you reading this out, and it's to the point where it's so long that people are just, like, "Just what's… What's… What's this about? He's lost his mind!"
LOG
He's constantly playing soundboard at these sort of things. I love the… I love the fact he tried to ruin that by just laughing over you so he couldn't… so to ruin your plan by laughing over it.
GAV
Doesn't matter because he didn't laugh over the stuff he said.
MATT
Ruined your plan with genuine mirth! Genuine mirth wins again, and then just… Yeah, okay, so after we got the… the new dawn visual effects, and then doves, and then hopefully we'll have, like, a minute of silence, just people think about what's happened so far, and then at that point after… after… after, like, it's become clear that people have had time to reflect and stuff, then Log, you can… you can pick up again.
LOG
"So while Matt couldn't be here tonight, he just wanted me to read a short message: 'I feel truly humble to have won this award when up against such brilliant competition. Honestly, I feel like someone else should have won it. I don't even think my work is that great! I don't… I don't even like to be the centre of attention but that's… Thanks again. Bye!'"
MATT
And then…
LOG
I did your signature goodbye there.
MATT
You did! You did! That's a nice touch. I… I'd rather you didn't do that though. That is mine.
LOG
"Bye!"
MATT
That is… No. I mean…
LOG
People do it. Steve, you do it.
STEVE
"Bye!"
MATT
I'd rather you stop doing that guys. I mean…
LOG
Gav! Gav! Do it!
GAV
"Bye!"
LOG
Anyone can be… Oh God, that… that clipped!
MATT
I don't… I don't want us to have to involve lawyers guys, but, like…
STEVE
"Bye!"
MATT
I mean, that is… I mean, that is kind of…
STEVE
I… I was saying "Bye!" long before you were saying "Bye!"
MATT
But no, I mean… Well, you know… All… We'll…
GAV
Lots of people said "bye".
MATT
…we can chat about this with solicitors, err, on Friday, but anyway…
STEVE
Listen, I've got precedence.
MATT
After that, we then have… we have pyrotechnic doves which is something I've invented. It's basically a combination of pyrotechnics and doves - should be fine.
GAV
Pyrodoves!
MATT
That be good, and then we have…
STEVE
You've just set fire to some fucking doves, haven't you?
MATT
A little bit, and then we have a bit of a reprise of a song.
GAV
Again.
MATT
Gav kneels on the stage, errm, shirtless again and actually…
GAV
Sweet.
MATT
…this works really well with the fans we've already got 'cos we can have that again.
GAV
Excellent.
MATT
And then we kind of segue into this evangelist style healing segment, errm, potentially with a font of… err, filled with the tears of people who didn't win. Not that I'm gonna win. I'm probably not gonna win. It doesn't really matter to me. But if we do, then we can have a font filled with the tears of people who… who didn't win and people can be, kind of, baptised into that, and then after that we've got a… an after-party sponsored by FIFA 15, and that's it! Errm, so I mean, yeah, obviously, like, as I said…
LOG
Crickey.
MATT
…you guys don't need to be involved with that, but it… Log's got a lot to remember so you could help him with that.
GAV
Log contractually has to be because you've accepted the ticket on his behalf so, like, you have to do this.
LOG
Cool. I'm going to go on your behalf. I'm going to lead everyone out of that building in a conga line up the M1 to my pub!
GAV
Going "Ole! Ole! Ole! Ole!"
LOG
"Come on!"
GAV
"Meaning Log! Log! Log!"
LOG
"Log! Log!"
STEVE
Seventeen hours!
GAV
How… Yeah! It's like… There's only, like, three of you left. They started at two hundred and fifty. Everyone else is dead!
• JINGLE •
"Why do bums suddenly explode?"
STEVE
You're listening to Regular Features. Whose pod… Whose pod… Whose podcast is this?
GAV
I'll… I'll go now.
STEVE
Who's done it?
LOG
Who…
STEVE
Who did it?
GAV
Who's done one?
STEVE
Who's done the… A hundred and nine episodes. Is that what you been doing?
GAV
Why didn't anyone tell me we'd started?
MATT
What you been doing that… What you been doing that long? A hundred and nine episodes!
STEVE
A hundred and nine…
MATT
What you been doing…
STEVE
…episodes of this podcast.
MATT
What you been doing that long? What you been doing?
STEVE
Who was that? Was that you, Log?
LOG
I've done nine of them. Ten of them. Ten of them max.
STEVE
Whose feature is it?
GAV
Mine. I'll go.
STEVE
Go.
• FEATURE •
"Lego Exhibition"
Written and Performed by
Gav Murphy
★ Rate This Feature ★
GAV
Hi. It's me, Gav…
STEVE
I love Gav!
GAV
…the person who loves art 'cos I'm always going on about how much I love art, right? Yep. That's right. Errm…
LOG
Pictures, or sounds, more?
GAV
Everything's art, Log so technically some…
MATT
It's not! It's not! it's just a picture.
LOG
Yeah. I'm not… Yeah. I'm not saying none of it's art, so stop getting down my throat like a big dick.
GAV
Well I…
LOG
I was just asking what your favourite kind of art is.
GAV
I went to an art exhibition the other day and I'd like to warn you all about going to it if you were thinking about going for it 'cos it's an absolute crock of shit. It's, errm…
LOG
You sound pretty anti-art to me!
GAV
Well, this… I'm anti-this-art.
MATT
I bet you were, like, fucking just warning us against art.
GAV
Yeah, art's shit, mate.
MATT
"Art - sounds interesting does it?"…
GAV
Yeah.
MATT
…"But, I'd like to warn you about it!"
GAV
Yeah.
MATT
"It's not good!"
GAV
Yeah, turning my chair around, sitting on it.
MATT
"Some of the ideas expressed in this work are very unto my liking!"
GAV
Errm, I went to an exhibition called "The Art of the Brick" the other day, by a guy called Nathan Sawaya.
STEVE
It's a Lego thing, right?
GAV
It is the Lego thing, yeah, and, like, I do…
LOG
Oh…
GAV
…I properly love Lego and, err, I have some friends who love Lego, and they buy Lego and stuff, so we thought, "Let's all go together on Sunday, then we'll go to the pub and have a nice Sunday lunch about it". So we went to it and it's… and you walk in and, like, the big poster is, like, a man, a big yellow man…
MATT
A Lego man?
GAV
…made out of Lego, but not like Lego men, like, as in, like, a man who looks like a sculptured man out of clay. Errm, that would be… And he's, like…
MATT
That's just like people just trying to replicate art with Lego?
GAV
Mate, it's bollocks.
LOG
I'm not even that into Lego to be honest. Gav
MATT
I think it's fucking cunt bricks for cunts.
GAV
Well…
STEVE
Yeah!
GAV
…you're not gonna like…
LOG
Well, I wouldn't… I wouldn't have gone that far. But that's why you're the edgy celebrity.
STEVE
No Log, I'm glad… I'm glad someone's said it. I'm glad someone's finally said it. Fucking cunt bricks for whatever you said.
MATT
Cunt bricks… Cunt bricks for cunts!
GAV
What was the second clever thing you said? It was that, yeah. Errm, but, so, we're…
MATT
On a limb here, anyone who likes Lego is a fucking prick who should be killed!
GAV
The thing is though, it's one of those things where, like, err, I…
MATT
I don't… I don't mean any of these things really, but let's roll with it!
GAV
I've sort of got a tiny bit of fatigue with it lately 'cos it's always like… It always seems like people are always, like, going… as soon as anything is, like, "Breaking Bad - we made with Lego!" Eveyone's like, "Fucking yes! I fucking love that!"
LOG
"This is a precise conversions of the Venn Diagram of the two things I have only ever loved in my life!" Fuck off!
GAV
Yeah. Retweet!
STEVE
But all you have to do is close your eyes and imagine what that is, and then you're seeing it. That's what it is.
GAV
Anyway.
LOG
Yeah.
STEVE
Like, there's nothing surprising about it.
GAV
You walk into this exhibition and then a video plays of a man, err, who goes "Hey! I'm Nathan Sawaya. I used to be a lawyer but then I wanted to be a sculptor" and you know one thing people were making sculptures out of? Lego! Everyone's like, "Oh okay, so…" and I was, like…
LOG
No! That's the only thing you would do with it?
GAV
I'm pretty sure everything they do is made from Lego?
STEVE
What else would people be doing with Lego, …
MATT
The only thing they do…
STEVE
…shoving it up their arsehole?
MATT
That's exactly what I was going to say, Steve! What geniuses are arseholes?
GAV
The only thing you do with…
LOG
It's impossible to do anything but make sculptures out of Lego!
GAV
So, straightaway, like, the first… the second set, I was, like, "What? No, hang on! Like, I'm pretty sure the only thing you can do with Lego is make shit?" This guy was, like, "Nobody was doing that before me!" Errm, and then he shows this video of people, like, absolutely losing their shit.
STEVE
I bet… Was he going "You know what? I found out if you get two Lego bricks, they snap together! And, that's where I got the idea of building sculptures!"
LOG
Was the before or during "The Lego Movie"?
MATT
"And that's when I invented the sculpture!"
LOG
Was it just after "The Lego Movie" where he thought I…
GAV
"I'm gonna… I've got a really good idea".
LOG
"Here's some shit I can be capitalising on!"
GAV
Errm, so, at… at that point I realised that… that… sixteen quid or whatever I'd spent on it, I was, like, "This is… Well, it's a mistake!" This is what happened when… when I walked through the Lego thing. I thought a man… As I said, I don't like the Lego thing. You don't have to tell me this is…
MATT
I'll fight you. I'll fight you anywhere, I don't care!
GAV
So, as… as you walk through, so… This guy's already told us once that he's a lawyer. There's little descriptions that he's been allowed to write per thing and it's basically like walking through a GCSE, like, art-level thing 'cos, like, the some of the stuff that he's written, which is the second part of my feature, which I'll show you, err, just absolutely crazy and, like, and they also mention all the time "I used to be a lawyer!" But, the… one of the things that, err, I… I loved about this exhibition, that I did love about this exhibition was, it was a dad and a little girl and obviously, like, it was their day out or something like that, the dad was an absolute fucking quim! Like, he was, like, the worst person ever. So, I was there with my friend Liam, err, who also likes Lego, errm, and I have to point out I do really, really like Lego.
MATT
I'm going to kill you. I'm going to kill you.
GAV
No. No way.
MATT
Me and you are gonna fight, Gav! I know you're stronger than me, but, against the odds, I'm gonna kill you.
LOG
Why don't you… Sorry, I want to ask you, after…
GAV
Okay.
LOG
Finish your story.
GAV
But… So, we started listening to this guy… this dad talking to this daughter and I wish we could have recorded it, but it was so loud in there that it wouldn't have worked. So we just started following them around and, like, some of the stuff that he said to her was, like, just fucking mental, like, to the point where, like, if it was a… If it was possible to citizen's arrest people, I probably would have. Like, if I knew how to do it, but I… "Oh, hi mate, errm, yeah, I'm… I'm, like, prick-arresting you!"…
LOG
Prick? Yeah!
GAV
"I'm taking your… I'm taking your kid away because you're an arsehole and you're gonna fuck her up!" Like, …
LOG
Okay. Just… Just be careful of the way you say it, because if you errm, "citizen's arrest", you're the citizen. If you say "prick arrest" you might casting yourself as the prick!
GAV
Yeah!
MATT
So that's good.
GAV
Shit, I hadn't thought about that.
MATT
"You know citizen's arrest, yeah? Well, this is a prick arrest!"
STEVE
"No! I mean I'm not the prick! I mean you're the prick!"
GAV
I could have really done with you two on Sunday. Errm…
LOG
Your legal lawyers.
GAV
But I… I wrote down some of the things that he was saying to her so this… Like, he had a camera errm, and she was… I mean, obvisously like, it's… it's obviously for kids, but it's a way… I don't know. The, like, there… there was adults walking around, there was kids walking around thinking "Why the fuck have I been brought here? This is bollocks!"
MATT
Well, that's the weird thing about that, you know?
GAV
Like, …
MATT
Almost one of the things that I do dislike, and this is me speaking honestly and not just being a…
GAV
Mmmm.
MATT
…a prick for no reason. One of the things that I do dislike about Lego is the fact that it's almost like, it is… Some of the kids do enjoy it, but often you do get the sense that a lot time adults are trying to get their kids into it to justify the fact that they like it.
GAV
They can… Yeah. They can spend two hundred quid on a Death Star. Yeah.
MATT
And it's like, just be honest about it. Just be honest about the fact that you love something that's aimed at kids, like, …
LOG
I was given a satchel full of Lego and the phrase "satchel full of Lego" has stuck with me through my entire life because it's a… a boon and a curse. You've got a lot of Lego but it's also stored in a satchel and not in a box with a set of instructions.
GAV
Mmmm.
STEVE
Mmmm.
LOG
And if one thing Lego needs, it's fucking instructions 'cos I don't have the brain to build anything.
STEVE
Also, can you think of a fucking less efficient way of storing regular shapes than a satchel?
GAV
Yeah, no.
LOG
Well, I… I don't know, there's some pockets that… that you could store, I don't know…
GAV
A pocketful of Lego!
LOG
The… The… The wide, flat green sheets went in the back flap. I don't know. I don't know! I just… It was just in a satchel! I never questioned it then, and I'm not going to start analysing it now!
GAV
But the first time we thought "Right, we need to follow these guys around" So, it's like, a dad and… and a daughter and it was in front of, and this is to give you the kind of level of what was being built by this man. Errm, it was a computer, like, so he'd made a computer out of Lego, and there was a hand reaching out and, like, on the description was, like, "I made this to show how… that we are becoming one with technology and technology's become part of our lives"!
STEVE
Fuck you!
GAV
Genuinely, that's what it was like! And, the dad and the little girl were standing there going… And the little girl goes "Oh yes" and the dad goes "Yeah, it's really clever, isn't it, Lucy?" and she went "Yeah, it's pretty clever" and she was, like, "Do you mind if… Can I take a photo?" and he had the camera on him. I never once saw him take a photo, or, I did saw it. I never once saw her take a photo. It was always her asking if she could… if he could take a photo for her. He was, like, … She was, like, "Yeah, I'd like this one", so he took a photo and then literally…
STEVE
She'd only fuck it up.
LOG
She sounds like a little diva to be honest.
GAV
No, no, no, no. It… No…
LOG
"Daddy, record this moment! It'll be precious to me in the future!"
GAV
There were a bunch of kids just walking around with iPads and they were literally just, like, had the iPads in front of their face walking up just going "Yeah, got all this. Sweet. That's good. Let's go". Errm…
MATT
"Job done!"
GAV
Yeah!
MATT
"But it's very raw. I've already photographed it all".
GAV
"Boring!" But she was, like, "Oh, can you take a photo of this?" and he's like "Yeah, yeah, sure" Take a photo and then she literally, like, and she didn't run, she sort of brisk-walked onto the next one which was about two metres away. He, right, just went "Lucy! Don't run off!" and she just turned around and was just, like, "Dude, I'm just literally fucking right here?" Like, that's how I would sound.
STEVE
"You've seen a Lego before I get to see it!"
GAV
Yeah, she was, like… He was, like, "Don't run off! I can't see you!" and was like… You can see her! So we were, like, "Ooh, this guy's a bit weird, let's follow him around!" Errm, so, then they… so they… by the next… the… the next one, we thought "Okay, that's… that's pretty good". Errm, then we walked into a room, err, this is just before… We… We would… He was saying all kinds of outlandish… just bollocks to her, and he obviously is into art himself, or something, because he was saying just shit stuff to her. So there was… there was this one, it was, like, half a woman, errm, like, as if she was swimming and there was, like, a plate of glass and then there was a mirror underneath so it looked… you could see her reflection underneath so it looked like she was actually in water and it was in a really, really dark room, like, blue lights and stuff around it but we walked in and it was, like, it's just in its own little room, and we were, like, "Oh, this is quite nice actually. It's quite cool", and, errm, she was, like, just looking at it and she was, like, you could tell she was, like, "Errm, I'm not really feeling this one".
MATT
She wasn't into it?
GAV
Yeah, she wasn't at all. Like, and I was, like, "Oh, I like this one actually", but, like, she was just… she wasn't into it at all and she was, like, "Mmmm, okay. Well…" and she was just, sort of, considering it.
LOG
"I get it. It just doesn't apply to me very much"?
GAV
Yeah, yeah, yeah. and the guy goes, errm, "Actually, err, artistically, this is the best one, Lucy".
STEVE
Wow. Wow.
MATT
Whoa. Wow.
STEVE
"So you're wrong!"
GAV
And she went, err… She went "I really like the, err, the globe one back there, that's… that's my favourite one. He's like, "No, no, no, no, no, no! This… This is the best one. This is the best one". She was, like, "Ohh!" She obviously wasn't saying anymore.
LOG
That's the thing about art - it's not subjective…
GAV
Yes!
LOG
…dear!
STEVE
Yes.
GAV
You see, they do…
STEVE
"Objectively, this has the most bricks in it!"
GAV
Yeah.
STEVE
"So, this is actually the best one".
LOG
And, like, number of bricks - ten out of ten. Artsiness - ten out of ten.
GAV
Yeah.
STEVE
Ten out of ten.
LOG
It's objective. It's just a good bit of art.
STEVE
"Yes. I'm sorry love, but that globe was hollow".
GAV
He's, like, tapping on it there, going "McFly?" Errm, so then she was looking at it, and she went "Oh, you're right actually", and she didn't say "you're right actually" but she looked at it and went "Oh, okay. Dad, do you mind… Can you… Can we have a photo of this?" and he sort of just looked up the room, and just went "No, there's no point", like, because of the light and stuff, and she was, like, "What do you mean?" and he was, like, "It's too… It's too dark. It'll look rubbish" and she was, like, "Oh, okay". Errm, and he was, like… She was, like, "Can we… Can we just try?", like, she wasn't saying it in a really sarcastic tone like I am.
LOG
Yet you won't be wasting film…
STEVE
Yes.
GAV
Yeah.
LOG
It's like you do have in…
STEVE
You're living in a wonderful age at which you can "try"!
GAV
She was, like,… she was, like,…
LOG
Hang on, do you… did you find out who this man was 'cos I want to meet him.
GAV
We lost him. She was, like,… She was just, like,
MATT
"We lost him!"
GAV
She was, like, "Oh"….
LOG
He won't be back.
GAV
Yeah, she was, like, "Can… Can we… Can we try?" and he took a picture, and this is so horrible, he took a picture and he looked at it, wouldn't let her see, and he just went "No, it's… You… It's rubbish, Lucy" and then just deleted it, and then put his phone back in his pocket and then…
MATT
You wouldn't even…
GAV
You wouldn't even show her the phone!
STEVE
He wouldn't even educate her as to why the photograph… Like, "Lucy, why don't you try and take a photograph in a dark room"…
GAV
Yeah.
STEVE
…"then you'll understand why it's not going to work. Then…
MATT
That's an example of telling kids…
GAV
Yeah.
STEVE
…we… we both come away from this being better people."
GAV
Exactly. So, I've done a little thing for you. It's only three quick pictures, err, err, just so you can see the kind of bollocks was on there and, err, ladies at home… Ladies and Gentlemen at home, if you want to play along at home, err, you can go to brainwaves.org 'cos they've done a rundown of every single picture that's there. Errm, but the thing that I found the most amazing about this, err, this exhibition was obviously he was… he was allowed to write the descriptions of it and they were so bollocks, like, they made me, like, absolutely, like, laugh out loud and piss myself out loud, like, so many times. The fact that…
STEVE
You pissed yourself out loud!
GAV
Pissed myself out of my mouth!
LOG
Just carry on! Let's not… Let's not make that a massive aside.
GAV
Yeah.
LOG
Carry on mate.
GAV
Please, let's not. We've had too many. Errm, but the… so he was obviously allowed to write his own stuff, so, let… I want you guys to see if you can guess, from the description and the title, what the, err, what the sculpture was that he'd built, right? So, just as a little practice for you, err, this is called "Untitled". Errm, he'd written "Some days you try and you try and you push and you push only to find yourself back to where you started". I don't like days like that, and err, the image…
LOG
Oh, I… I imagine Sisyphus, or whatever that…
STEVE
Yeah.
LOG
…fucking Greek myth was…
STEVE
Also… So…
LOG
…probably felt the same way.
GAV
…the image is a man at a… I don't even know what he's doing! He's sort of…
STEVE
He's pushing against a wall?
GAV
He's pushing against a wall which he built himself.
STEVE
It is a bit like Sisyphus…
GAV
Yeah.
STEVE
But he's… Also, I mean, fuck any artist who thinks it's original to call their art… their work "Untitled".
GAV
Yeah. There were about four "Untitled"s all the way through it.
LOG
"I am not… I am not going to fucking cheapen this."
STEVE
Unless you genuinely just forgot to give it a title…
GAV
Mmmm.
STEVE
…then that's okay.
GAV
Yeah.
STEVE
If you… If you say the title of this is "Untitled"…
GAV
Yeah.
STEVE
…- think about that, why don't you?
MATT
But also, again, it has to be a big fucking point, 'cos otherwise it's, like, you spend a long time going "I've made this thing,…
STEVE
Yeah.
MATT
…what should I call it?" and you get to the point where you just go…
LOG
Oh, fuck off.
MATT
And it's probably not fucking…
STEVE
There's no…
MATT
It's probably not that good.
STEVE
There's no way… Yeah, there's no way that guy made that thing and go… and just forgot to give it a title.
MATT
Something I write articles or do videos, it's, like, "What am I going to call this?" It's, like…
GAV
"Untitled"!
MATT
…often it's the most difficult part of the thing - what… what is this ca… What… What is the title of this? But, you fucking work it out. You don't just go…
LOG
You don't call your café "That Café" and you don't do what Hard-Fi did with their difficult second album and just write "No Cover Art" on the album cover.
STEVE
Fuck off!
LOG
Bullshit! Fuck you all!
STEVE
That is no substitute for doing good cover art.
GAV
Yeah.
MATT
I hate Hard-Fi more than I hate Lego.
GAV
See if you can guess what the, err, sculpture is by what he's written and what it's called, right?
MATT
Right.
GAV
"Cracked. I spent over three weeks fabricating Cracked out of approximately nine thousand Lego bricks". Right, this is interesting because he never put any of that information in the other ones. "Out of approximately nine thousand Lego bricks. Also, this sculpture depicts how I feel every morning".
LOG
It's a mirror, cracked, and like, he's… he feels… Is it… It's just a mirror, isn't it?
GAV
It's more often… It's more obvious than that.
STEVE
It's… It's his… It's his head, cracked open?
GAV
It's his head, cracked open.
LOG
Oh, fucking hell.
STEVE
Bam!
MATT
This looks awful. This exhibition looks genuinely dumb.
GAV
It's the worst. It's one of the worst things I've ever been to.
LOG
"When I wake up with a headache, it's literally like I've got a… a splitting headache"!
GAV
Yeah.
MATT
Oh, what…
STEVE
Yes.
MATT
what piece of shit gallery does that?
STEVE
"This is a metaphor that I have invented"!
GAV
The next one, "Womb. Even when we've all grown up, we need a place we feel safe. I built this sculpture during my first"…
LOG
Oh, it's not a…
GAV
…"artisan residency. I felt quite alone during that time and this sculpture was the result". What do you think that sculpture is?
LOG
Is it a… a full-grown man with his head stuck up a fanny?
GAV
Very, very close.
LOG
Oh, God.
MATT
A full-grown man who… in a baby?
GAV
Err, very close!
MATT
A baby and a man, on a bike?
STEVE
It's probably just a full-grown man in a womb?
GAV
It's a full-grown man in a box.
STEVE
In a box!
GAV
Yep, he's in a box. He's in a box there.
LOG
Fuck you.
GAV
But, he's made out of Lego, guys, so it's, like, …
LOG
Feel free to do the next one, while I have a piss, but I just cannot contain my disgust at this.
GAV
It's the last one. It's the last one. It's the last one.
LOG
Oh. Alright.
GAV
"Self."…
LOG
It's a picture of himself!
LOG
…"Taking a leap is hard. I used to be a lawyer"… he says that all the time. All the way through…
STEVE
He's… And, you know, lawyers get paid a lot of money.
GAV
Yeah. "I used to be a lawyer. There was nothing wrong with being a lawyer but I always knew there was another me - an artist lurking inside".
STEVE
Oh.
GAV
That's nice. What do you think this is?
MATT
This man is awful!
LOG
This isn't the guy leading the kid around the gallery, was he?
GAV
No, no, no. What… What…
LOG
'Cos it… this place is just full of cunts!
GAV
This is the… This is the man running it!
STEVE
Is it…
GAV
This is what you paid to go see!
STEVE
…Is it a Lego man shedding a carapus while a smaller Lego man climbs out of the… of the skin that's left behind?
LOG
Nice use of the word carapus, I like it.
MATT
Shit.
GAV
Right, so remember he said in that description "I'm a lawyer. There was an artist lurking inside me"?
LOG
Oh, it's a barristers' wig with a fist holding a paintbrush shooting out of it?
STEVE
An easel whizzing out of a mouth.
GAV
That's close.
STEVE
A constant stream of easels!
GAV
Matthew? Matt
GAV
They're all very, very close and pretty much the same thing. What it is, is a man in a suit with a red man peeping out from literally inside it.
LOG
Fucking hell!
STEVE
Ohhh.
GAV
Like, literally…
STEVE
That is proper sixth-form shit, isn't it?
MATT
It is!
GAV
This is what it's full of.
MATT
Honestly, I can… I can only apologise for the fact that I've been so… so angry and profuse tonight, but I… I… Nothing makes me angrier than shit art. Errm, it's my bugbear.
LOG
No. Oh, shit art's fine, but shit art dressing itself up in the clothes of importance…
MATT
Well, that…
STEVE
Ohhh.
MATT
That's… that is shit art to me, like, I mean there's…
LOG
Oh. Well, yeah.
GAV
It's all shit art in the end.
LOG
I have drawn shit art. I have drawn some shit art in the birthday cards we've just been…
LOG
Oh, no, no, no. That's… That's not shit art. That's… that's just shit drawings. That's fine.
LOG
Yeah, okay. Okay.
MATT
It's like, it's when people pretend that something is somehow worth… worthy and valuable and… when it's just some arsehole churns something out and thinks they're a fucking genius. That is the worst.
STEVE
Yeah.
MATT
The worst.
STEVE
I have a super-low tolerance for modern art, to the point where, like, …
LOG
Well, yeah. It's God awful. It's shit.
STEVE
…you know, it's almost like, "Oh, this… this is a black square painted on a white canvas" and it was like, "Oh! You know? Ooh! It's this… It's this… this and this"…
LOG
No, that… No, that stuff, I just, like, I don't know.
STEVE
When I went to the…
LOG
I just take it at face value and think "Do I like looking at it?"
LOG
"Yeah, I do. I do".
STEVE
"Yeah, it's a nice black square".
LOG
"Nah, I'm off now". Then I turn on my heal…
MATT
Yeah.
LOG
…and sprint into the next room.
GAV
"I've a bum bag full of Legos! It's going everywhere".
MATT
It's all about it makes you feel something, even if it's nothing. Even if it's, like, really subtle, it just makes you feel nice…
GAV
Mmmm.
MATT
…then in a slight… "That's cool". But, I've got an incr… I mean, I'm in a horrible cunt and I'll go… Never go to an art gallery with me, ever!
GAV
I don't think I ever will.
MATT
Good.
LOG
Is it… It's just the explanation squares. Sometimes I find them useful, and sometimes they make me angry.
STEVE
Well, if they're written by the authors they're going to make you angry.
GAV
This is the problem. He shouldn't have been allowed to write that.
LOG
Yeah.
GAV
Like, what it should have been was…
STEVE
It's a fucking… It's an art exhibition all about him, …
GAV
Yeah.
STEVE
…not about his art at all! It's all about him.
GAV
It should have been…
LOG
"I don't know about you, but I used to be a lawyer. Perhaps you weren't a lawyer, but I was!"
GAV
Yeah.
MATT
I've always had this, err…
GAV
"Tonight"… Yeah.
MATT
I've always had this idea of an art project, err, of going into a gallery and just, like, taking pictures of all the things, like, the signs, the little squares with the info and then just recreating different ones and just going through and trying to stealth into a gallery just changing them all.
STEVE
I was watching… I was watching "Grand Designs" and someone had hang… hung on their wall, instead of the actual art piece…
MATT
A blown up version of the fucking art?
STEVE
A blown up version of the description of the art piece.
MATT
Fuck yourself into the sun!
LOG
That is awful.
STEVE
I know. I was like, "you are fucking cunts!"
MATT
Oh, yeah.
STEVE
And, they were these people who bought this four-hundred grand plot of land in London and built a six-hundred grand house on it and they had tattoos! How do tattooed people buy houses and I can't buy a house? It's…
LOG
There's one thing I know isn't art, it's tattoos!
GAV
One of the… That… Just to give you a little bit of a cross thing on how to do those, err, sort of description things right, about an hour before we went there we went to "The Modern Toss Exhibition". Errm, also… Like, that's just down the road from me.
MATT
Yeah, that looked great.
GAV
I… It's fucking incredible because it's just, like, there's bits which, you know, if… if you think it's art, amazing, but it made me laugh and it gives you a reaction that's good, but the descriptions of the stuff that they've done is just amazing. So, there's one, err, it's a… this huge poster, one of their first ever drawings. Err, if you don't know what Modern Toss is, you should definitely check it out. But, it's basically, err, a drawing of a cross man wearing big pants, a drawing of, like, a nonplussed lady behind a desk. The man is saying "These pants I bought off you - there's shit in them, but it's not mine. Where the fuck do I stand legally?" The "About" little thing, they've written "Above: One of the most powerful drawings ever committed to paper, not just because of the stance and anger of the man, but also the bewildered look of the woman behind the desk. They seem to balance perfectly, like two lumps of shit on opposite ends of a see-saw. That's the holy-grail in cartooning". That's how you fucking write an "About"…
STEVE
Yeah.
GAV
…little card about
MATT
Yeah.
STEVE
Yeah, that's good.
GAV
…little card about what your art is, I think.
• JINGLE •
"Ecstasy"
• FEATURE •
"Steve's Been Looking at Reviews of Boots Product"
Written and Performed by
Steve Hogarty
★ Rate This Feature ★
STEVE
And now it's time for Steve's Regular Feature, "Steve's Been Looking at Reviews of Boots Product".
LOG
Ah!
GAV
Oh, nice!
STEVE
I was going to say "products", then I realised I've only been looking at one.
LOG
Oh, that's… that's…
STEVE
And you can't go back in a sentence and say "a" so you have to just keep going and stop…
GAV
You can do whatever you want.
MATT
Add emphasisity and hope that people pick it up.
STEVE
Yeah.
LOG
This is amazing. This is… This is the old-fashioned Steve. This is Steve who used to come to a Feature with, err, a whole podcast, with nothing. Pretty much like I have today. But that's only because I blew my hairdressing feature 'cos I gave away the salient points last week.
STEVE
Oh, yeah.
GAV
That was the compliment sandwich. You were, like, "This is, like, err, this… You've been really, really shit this week, Steve. Oh, whatever. Like, like, I have". You can't say that to him!
STEVE
No!
LOG
That's not a compliment sandwich, that's an insult…
GAV
Yeah. That is ins…
LOG
…bread with…
GAV
…insult meat.
LOG
Well, what was the filling in the insult bread?
MATT
Shit meat.
STEVE
Yeah, there was no compliment there at all! But didn't you… you left over a feature from last week? You had a leftover feature?
LOG
Yeah, but I…
GAV
It trickled out.
LOG
I… I told you all of the details that I got my hair cut by a drug-addled man who gave me the most ballistic scalp massage in the middle of it.
STEVE
Yes, but the joy in your stories is in the telling, aren't they, Log?
LOG
Well, there's no joy in the telling of that so let's… let's just move on…
STEVE
Okay.
LOG
…'cos I've got no joy in me. I just want to just insult your joy. That's all I've got left to me now Steve.
STEVE
I was…
GAV
"You seem joyful. Let me stick a pin in that".
STEVE
…I was in Boots…
LOG
"Boot Boots!"
GAV
"De chemist!"
STEVE
…and, errm, err, so Boots the Chemist…
MATT
"Go Boots! From the right hand side".
GAV
Mmmm.
STEVE
Boots the Chemist, errm, started off life somewhere in England selling herbal remedies and they never really stopped, did they?
MATT
Fuck it.
STEVE
'Cos they sell magnetic, errm, wristbands that basically, err, help your blood circulation and the sell, errm, homeopathic shit that…
GAV
It's not shit, some people believe in it.
STEVE
That's true.
MATT
It's fucking worse than Lego and art!
GAV
Let's not upset all the hippies who listen to this podcast!
MATT
Honestly, Gav… Honestly, Gav… Fuck everyone!
STEVE
I… So I was browsing… I like going to Boots. I think the two… I used to, like, when I was a child I used to like going to toy shops as all children do, but, as a grownup man, the two shops I like going into now is Robert Dyas…
LOG
Yeah!
GAV
It's like a toy shop for grownups.
LOG
The sell so many different things.
STEVE
Yeah. It's like things you forget.
GAV
That's real! That was a hundred percent real what he just did then!
STEVE
Yeah.
LOG
Well, no, I will not even joking.
STEVE
Yeah, I'm not joking either.
GAV
That's what I mean. That's why I liked it.
LOG
I… I don't… I… I'm drawn in by the spice rack in the window, one of which you'll find in this building that's never been fucking opened…
GAV
Yeah.
LOG
…but once you're in there, there's toasters, the lot. Woks!
STEVE
There's, like,… Oh, yeah! "No, we do need a new hoover! The other one we got is a bit shit!" and, a… yes, a… a four-rack toaster. Yes please!
GAV
Yeah!
STEVE
That's going to… the efficiency of my mornings is going to skyrocket!
MATT
Why would you need that much toast at once?
GAV
Yeah.
STEVE
Four slices of toast.
LOG
Fuck off! I need… I love toast. I need one of those conveyer belt grills that you get in buffets.
STEVE
Oh, buffets! Yeah!
MATT
Oh, they're a lot of fun. I like those, they're fun.
STEVE
Matt, you live with your girlfriend.
MATT
Yeah.
STEVE
How can you say you don't need a four-rack toaster?
MATT
Well, she hasn't been eating for quite a while!
GAV
Before that!
LOG
Oh, God!
MATT
Sorry.
LOG
"What?"
MATT
Sorry. I'm sorry.
LOG
You're such a Debbie-Downer since your girlfriend got ill!
MATT
Sorry. That's a… It's a grim bit of reality.
GAV
In fairness, before that…
MATT
But, also… But, also, I don't each that much toast so yeah, that's another part of it, isn't it?
LOG
I didn't mean… I…
STEVE
I eat a lot of toast.
LOG
I didn't mean to sound like such a cunt then.
MATT
I knew it was comedy and I'm sure that the readers will too.
GAV
I like how you skirted around it with soul on you, like, "Ohhh!"
STEVE
"Actually, ever since… ever since my girlfriend got ill, we've thrown away the toaster so, err, I thank you not to bring it up".
LOG
Yeah. "We don't like to talk about our previous toasting habits".
STEVE
Errm, but the other shop I like going into is Boots, 'cos even…
GAV
I fucking hate Boots.
LOG
I hate…
STEVE
…even though it's… it's.. it is full of shit, and any…
MATT
I love how much hate there is tonight!
STEVE
They are an awful…
GAV
Yeah.
STEVE
It's an awful company, like, they're awful stuff.
LOG
They… They sell bracelets that are "believed to protect you against shit".
STEVE
This was what… This was what I said. Yeah. They…
GAV
He literally just said that!
STEVE
They said… Well, you weren't listening, were you?
LOG
No, I was… No.
STEVE
They sell magnetic bracelets for your blood circulation and…
LOG
I really wasn't listening, Steve.
STEVE
Yeah. Wow, did you not hear any of that?
LOG
I don't know why… I don't know what I was looking at. Maybe I was looking at Matt?
GAV
I was so enraged with that, I pointed!
STEVE
Yeah.
GAV
But he literally just said that, Log!
STEVE
What else is there to do in this room other than have a podcast?
LOG
Wow. I've got no comeback. I'm… I am literally paralyzed with shame.
STEVE
Anyway…
GAV
How do you like Boots so much? I fucking…
MATT
Yeah!
GAV
Like, I hate it. It's not a nice shop.
STEVE
I know. The only reason I like… I like wandering down the aisles of Robert Dyas and going "Oh!"
GAV
It's only four…
STEVE
"Oh! I need that! Yeah, I could do with a… with a new, err, draining board rack for dishes".
MATT
Yeah.
STEVE
"Yeah, I could probably do with one of those".
MATT
But Robert Dyas is pretty… Come on, like, you've got to bring your sights higher, man.
STEVE
I think… But, then you go to Boots… Well, higher than Robert Dyas?
MATT
Yeah.
LOG
What, John Lewis?
GAV
What is higher than Robert Dyas?
MATT
I got a different philosophy this year. I got… Once every two or three years I go to fucking, err…
STEVE
What, Maplins maybe?
MATT
No, no, no. I go to, like, the fancy place in London that has, like, the really nice… really nice things. Steve
LOG
"The fancy place in London that has the really nice things"?
MATT
Yep, that's the one.
GAV
Stringfellows?
STEVE
Another one.
MATT
Not… Not, err, Fortnum & Masons. Not, errm…
STEVE
Liberty?
MATT
No.
LOG
Harrods?
GAV
John Menzies?
MATT
Not Harrods, no. It might be…
LOG
It's not even nice, they just sell
MATT
No, Harrods…
GAV
John Lewis?
LOG
My mum goes to Harrods. It's just…
STEVE
Selfridge?
GAV
What do you buy there? What do you buy there? This is…
MATT
Selfridges! Yeah.
STEVE
Selfridges.
MATT
Selfridges - they have an area which is all just kitchen shit, and honestly, it was like having a fucking, err, domestic wank. Not that there's many items to wank to that…
STEVE
Yeah, that's just aspirational though. Robert Dyas, you can… you can take your pick.
MATT
For a start, it's, like, if you only go once every three years, you just buy a cheese grater, like, it's not that bad.
STEVE
I pop into Robert Dyas on my way home every day.
MATT
Wow, you've got a problem.
GAV
What do you mean? On your way home from where?
STEVE
Well, from walking to Robert Dyas.
GAV
I was going to say, you work from home! You want to go to Robert Dyas to pop in on the way home from there?
STEVE
Well, so we like toast… toast.
GAV
Do you, like,… Do you walk in in a suit with a briefcase? "Hi guys! Just popping in!" It's like, "Hey Steve, what's in that briefcase?" "Whoa! Err!"
STEVE
The plot's open, and there's, like,…
GAV
Apple cores on the floor! "Shit, Robert's seen!"
STEVE
But, I… I… So, I was in Boots, that's good. I'll… I'll drag this back to my story quickly.
GAV
Yeah.
STEVE
I was in Boots and I was wandering down the… the aisle. I was near the travel products. They have a whole fucking range of travel products, errm, mosquito repellent and things like that and I saw something that was called "Boots Pharmaceuticals: Boots Hot Weather Frefreshing Spray for Sensitive Skin" and I thought "Hot Weather Refreshing Spray"…
MATT
"Is that water?"
STEVE
…"- what is that? What"…
MATT
Yeah.
STEVE
"What have you put in this that's hot weather refreshing spray, it's going to do for my skin?"
LOG
I'd like to know the price first.
GAV
Is it the bit… It's the bits in side Lemsips?
STEVE
So, the… the price is… It's, err, four pounds forty-nine and it…
MATT
Fucking hell!
STEVE
…It's a 150ml bottle so it's a small little bottle.
MATT
That's a lot of money for a lot of, what?
STEVE
And, err, it's suitable for adults and for children and for every human being of… of a…
LOG
Maybe a little warm dog that you're carrying around in…
STEVE
…that there is.
LOG
…in a satchel.
STEVE
And, sure enough, I turned the… the bottle around, and contents were indeed "agua"…
MATT
Aqua!
LOG
Agua!
STEVE
Yes, which is the fancy word for "water"!
GAV
Did it really say agua on it?
STEVE
And that… which is agua.
GAV
Shut up!
LOG
And, for the readers at home, when Steve said agua, he adjusted his glasses in a way that made him seem academic.
STEVE
I wiggled them up and down, like, wahwahwah. Yes.
MATT
Is that it? Surely there's something else in there?
STEVE
It's just water. It's a water spray.
MATT
You would've… four pound fifty for…
STEVE
It's a water bottle, four pounds fifty per hundred millilitres.
MATT
No, come on!
STEVE
That's, like, if you were to buy a bottle of Evian, for that price, you'd be… it would be like twenty pounds.
MATT
That's like smashing down walls and setting fire to dogs.
LOG
What they should sell is just the little screw-on cap that fits on to Evian bottles…
STEVE
Yeah.
LOG
…that just, sort of, spr… spritzes…
STEVE
Exactly, but, I dare say Boots are trying to fucking shift some snake oil here.
MATT
They don't seem like the kind of people to do that, right? Like, Boots seem…
LOG
They sell…
MATT
…fairly down to earth with nature?
LOG
Well, apparently, according to Steve, they sell magnetic bracelets.
MATT
Yeah.
STEVE
Did you not hear what… what both me and Log have said?
MATT
I have heard that they do some sort of…
GAV
Yeah, they shouldn't surprise you.
MATT
…bracelet, similar…
STEVE
Errm, so, I went to the web-site…
GAV
It was only… Hang on, so there's no other ingredients in it, it's only agua?
STEVE
It's just… It's a water… It's a water bottle spray that they've advertised as "Hot Weather Refreshing Spray for Sensitive Skin".
GAV
And it's just agua.
STEVE
It's just agua.
GAV
That's…
MATT
"For sensitive skin"!
LOG
"Suita… Suitable for dry skin"!
GAV
"Suitable for dry skin, the other skin, any… any… any skin, really".
STEVE
Any… any skin.
GAV
So…
MATT
I mean, people are mad.
STEVE
Skin is pretty… Skin knows how to deal with water!
MATT
I… I once… I once worked with a guy who used to spend a fortune on buying bottles of, err, err, a salt water spray, sea-salt water spray for his hair to make it curl up, and I had to say to the guy, like, "Dude, can't you just, like, buy a"…
GAV
Was that guy you?
MATT
No, it wasn't me. It wasn't me.
GAV
Promise?
MATT
Yeah, I promise! It was a guy I used to know who… who I saw recently actually, err, comes from Glastonbury, who was… I never told him this, but I always knew him as, err, "Mirror Steve" just because, err, I've never seen anybody look in a mirror as much as him.
STEVE
Oh. I thought he was my…
LOG
Evil version?
STEVE
…my evil version of me?
MATT
No, no. It was way before I knew you.
STEVE
I have to… Do you know how I'd beat him, Matt? I'd have to run at the mirror as quickly as I can and jump into it.
MATT
Yep.
GAV
With a spray.
STEVE
Prince of Persia.
MATT
Prince of Persia. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Classic.
LOG
Ah. Also…
MATT
Errm…
LOG
…A-ha, "Take On Me" I think as well, maybe? I don't know.
MATT
But which came first?
STEVE
That's a good question! They probably came around… around at the same time, didn't they?
MATT
Yeah. That's a… That's a genuine question. I don't know the answer.
STEVE
Readers, get in touch! Tell us which came first. Was it the music video for A-ha's "Take On Me" or was it the original "Prince of Persia" game?
LOG
And if you Patronise us for the two or three dollars an episode more, we'll enter you into a raffle.
STEVE
Yes.
GAV
We won't.
LOG
Oh, hang on.
STEVE
Shit, don't mention raffles!
GAV
No, we've got to do… We've got to do the raffle tonight. We've got to do a…
STEVE
Yeah, we've got to do the fucking raffle at the end of this.
LOG
Oh, fuck raffles.
GAV
Skip this.
STEVE
Yeah, let's keep going. Err, I went on the Boots web-site, 'cos I wanted to know what… how people were reviewing water, what they thought of water! And, there's only two reviews on the Boots web-site.
LOG
Oh!
MATT
Oh!
GAV
Oh!
STEVE
But, one of the reviews is one out of five and the other review is five stars! One person…
LOG
What was the "Most Helpful Critical Review" of water?
STEVE
There… Both regard it as "100% Helpful" reviews of water.
GAV
But, the other one, they love it. They go round and round in circles all day.
STEVE
Yeah, helping each other. So, I'll… I'll… I'll… I'll read you the… the… the one star review first. It's, err, the title's "Spray projection is useless". "I thought this product"… It's anonymous as well. "I thought this product was really rubbish - the spray does not work. Rubbish. I am very disappointed that there does not seem to be any propellant to spray".
GAV
"Rubbish"!
STEVE
"Rubbish"!
LOG
Oh, it's a… it's a finger-powered spritz?
STEVE
So, it's a… It's like a… like a… like a… like a bottle of cleaning fluid or something…
GAV
Yeah.
STEVE
…where you have to… It is finger-powered. It's the… It's your pressure of your finger that makes it come out.
LOG
Finger-powered spritz!
MATT
Yeah.
STEVE
I don't know what a "spritz"…
LOG
Like I just said, Steve. I'm… It's like you're not listening to me, Stephen anymore.
STEVE
Well, I didn't really understand what "finger-powered spritz" is…
GAV
Ah!
STEVE
…and I decided it's…
MATT
You will!
LOG
Sssss… Sssss…. Sssss…. Sssss…. Sssss.
STEVE
But the readers can't see the fingers!
LOG
For the benefit of the readers, I'm miming a finger-powered spritz that I'm making the spritz sound with my mouth. Sssss…. Sssss…. Sssss.
STEVE
I just thought I'd describe it in three other ways so that people, like, stupid people like me could catch up and keep with the podcast. Shall we listen to the five-star review?
GAV
Yep.
LOG
Yay.
STEVE
This is a five-star review of water. Err, errm, it's from someone from Bristol. He used the product every day. She's female. She's owned the product for over twelve months. These are all the different criteria that you can put it and she's between twenty-five and thirty-four. She titles her review "life saver!"
GAV
I love it was, like, she titles her review "Fucking hell!"
STEVE
She says "I have a health condition that makes it hard for me to regulate my body temperature, this spray changes that like nothing else"…
GAV
Ohh.
STEVE
…"If I spray my face and neck with the spray and sit by a window or fan I cool down fast"…
GAV
You wrote this!
STEVE
…"but without shocking my body,"…
LOG
Oh, Jesus.
STEVE
…"it's perfect and better value than any others on the market as far as I can see".
LOG
"And I can refill the bottle from the tap"!
GAV
"And it makes no fucking difference"!
STEVE
And that was the, err… Those were the two reviews of the Boots, errm…
GAV
Have you left a review?
MATT
Cleaner fun.
STEVE
I haven't left one.
MATT
Oh, Steve!
GAV
Let's all leave one. To end this amazing episode, shall we do…
LOG
Oh.
GAV
…the tombola's… tombola's… what old shit…
LOG
Tombola!
STEVE
Tombola!
MATT
Tombola!
GAV
Is it going to be you?
LOG
Babba-dowl!
GAV
What's a tombola, Steve?
STEVE
We're so fucking good at quartets.
GAV
It's mad.
STEVE
It's… So, it's time for the Regular Features monthly tombola which, if you support us on patreon.com, we're having a monthly prize-giving ceremony in which we have some shit, some good shit…
GAV
Yeah.
STEVE
…not the negative word connotation of the word shit, that we're giving away to a lucky patron. If you aren't in it, you literally can't win it, so what's the point?
LOG
Why try?
STEVE
Why even try?
GAV
Why get up in the morning?
LOG
Just… Just… Just… Just be in it.
GAV
What do they win this… this month?
STEVE
Well, let's… Well, let's roll the… Oh, hang on, let's not roll the tombola. What's up for the prizes this month is a tee-shirt, a Regular Features tee-shirt, a…
GAV
Literally cannot buy in the shops…
STEVE
…copy…
GAV
…'cos they won't sell it!
STEVE
…of a Regular Features badge.
LOG
Because it's publicly unsafe to wear!
STEVE
The badges are really good. I've got one. It's tied to…
GAV
Also limited.
STEVE
Very limited.
LOG
Mmmm.
STEVE
And, this month only, it's a copy of "Cel Damage" on the GameCube, signed by all of the Regular Features team.
LOG
And also, I'm gonna pull out a handful of my pubes and put them in the box. We can all do that if you want.
MATT
And I might throw a little something in there myself…
LOG
I… I promise.
STEVE
Why do that?
MATT
…but maybe not my pubes.
GAV
Also…
MATT
Maybe my pubes. I've got way too many at the moment.
LOG
But what's problem? Just put some of your actual hair in Matt. No one will tell the difference.
GAV
Also, I did… Oooooh!
LOG
Oooooh!
STEVE
Oooooh!
MATT
For the readers at home, I'm staring at Log with devil-eyes.
STEVE
For the readers at home, Matt has pube hair.
MATT
Honestly, I've got so much.
GAV
Also, and I haven't run this past you guys, but I hope you're all alright with it, tonight, when we masturbate, we're masturbating over a picture of this person.
MATT
Providing we do it in four-four time, I'm down with that.
STEVE
Yes, we will be thinking of that…
LOG
What, like rhythmically?
MATT
Yep.
STEVE
We need to roll the tombola to… to find… All of your name… If you're a Patreon, your name is in this tombola…
MATT
Let's roll the tombola.
STEVE
…and it's rolling.
LOG
Welcome, to random.org, the true number random number generator. I'm pressing tab to go to the next box.
STEVE
The tombola's less magical if you tell them we're counting it at random.org!
MATT
I was pretending to be a metal tombola with a beer can there. You've ruined it with numbers.
GAV
I'm going to make a tombola. Do it!
LOG
Next time I'll buy some fucking Ping-Pong balls!
STEVE
I'm reaching into the tombola.
LOG
Now?
STEVE
No, now.
LOG
All we've got is the number sixty-two which I will control-tab, or however it is you swap between tabs…
GAV
Do it!
LOG
…within an app rather than swapping between apps. And now, I'm double-finger-dragging down…
MATT
Jesus!
LOG
…to the correct number, and it's Greg Skinner!
STEVE
We've pulled…
LOG
Yes!
STEVE
…Greg Skinner's name out of a physical tombola!
GAV
Greg Skinner, you old twat!
STEVE
Where's Greg Skinner from?
LOG
He's from Bath. Hang on.
GAV
Bath?
LOG
Bath.
GAV
Alarm bells!
LOG
Nothing… Hang on, that's not…
MATT
That not a place! That's a…
LOG
You're not a Future employee are you, Matt?
GAV
No.
MATT
That's not a place, that's a thing you have a shower in…
STEVE
Yeah.
MATT
…while sitting down.
STEVE
Fucking Bath idiots.
GAV
Think about this classic…
STEVE
You can't name your town…
GAV
…chat. That could be about you next month…
STEVE
Yeah.
GAV
…if you Patronise us.
STEVE
All of those great jokes we just made about Bath - imagine if we made them about your home town?
GAV
About your home town - Norfolk!
STEVE
Imagine that.
LOG
Let… Let's listen to… Do you want to hear some of the other towns that people who Patronise us are?
STEVE
Yeah.
GAV
Don't spoil it!
LOG
"Aldridge"!
GAV
Ha, ha, ha!
LOG
"Wakefield"!
GAV
Classic.
GAV
Wakefield? Whoa.
LOG
"Droylsden"!
GAV
Shut up! That's not a real place.
LOG
"Sittingbourne"!
GAV
We're not setting anything to that.
STEVE
If anyone from Sittingbourne wins a tombola, they're not getting it. I'm sorry. I'm not sending shit to Sittingbourne.
GAV
That's a really personal thing. I bet there's only one person from… Hey, there's only… there's only two hundred though!
STEVE
Yeah, I'm sorry. If that… If that's you, you're not getting some other prize.
GAV
But this is what you get anyway when you Patronise us.
MATT
Yeah, a bunch of shit in a bag.
LOG
Yeah, you might get the name of your town read out, like this one: "Floragatan". That's Swedish! We've got a Swedish person here!
STEVE
Wow, yeah.
LOG
Safe… Safe to say you'll never because we're not posting heavy things to you, unless you… Unless your number… Unless you turn up on a random thing, obviously. We're not…
STEVE
In a tombola? Log, inside a tombola!
MATT
In a tombola!
STEVE
If that… If that tombola got you excited, and you were thinking "Man, I wish I had a chance of winning the… the, err, "Cel Damage" on… on… the GameCube, which works on Nintendo Wii, so don't… don't fucking turn your nose up at it straightaway…
GAV
You prick.
STEVE
…then you should go to patreon.com/regularfeatures where you can, err, support us and help us out to do the podcast that we do. You can also go to greenmangaming.com/regularfeatures if you're going to buy a video game. If you buy that through those guys that helps us.
LOG
Just remember to click on our faces 'cos apparently that's an important step.
GAV
Yeah.
STEVE
Err, yeah, it is…
MATT
Click on our fucking faces…
GAV
Also…
STEVE
…'cos you… If you get there then you can click anywhere else they'll just think that you got there by yourself.
LOG
Yeah, if you… if you…
GAV
We don't want that.
LOG
Yeah, just keep your finger and your mouse and your cursor on our faces and click.
STEVE
I think you…
GAV
Also, why not buy a ticket to our live show?
LOG
It's sold out!
GAV
Why not? Because it's sold out!
STEVE
Yeah.
GAV
That's why, because…
MATT
Missed the boat, motherfuckers!
GAV
And if you Patronised us, then you would know about that date and you would have bought eight tickets for you and all your families and shit.
STEVE
Basically, if you don't Patronise us, you should feel pretty bad about yourself because…
GAV
No, don't say that.
STEVE
…look at all this…
GAV
No, no, don't!
LOG
Do! Do! Stop them all listening to us.
STEVE
We've got all of these things.
LOG
I just want this to be a little… funny little group of peop… twelve people who fund our lives…
GAV
That… I was about to say that because it's…
LOG
…and we invite into our bedrooms.
GAV
…a really small number compare to the actual number who listen to us.
STEVE
Yeah, that's true. Actually, yeah, no, if you Patronise us, fuck you! You're not important! It's actually…
GAV
Also though… No, there's a… there's…
STEVE
Oh.
LOG
I'm gonna go…
MATT
Yeah.
LOG
…I'm gonna cancel all the Patrons tonight!
GAV
No, also, you… Don't do that!
MATT
No, cos…
GAV
Let's end this before we get… Edit it… We're gonna fuck this up.
MATT
Yeah, we're… we've… we've been a bit…
GAV
I don't know what's going on in this one.
MATT
We've been a bit aggressive, err, it's pretty much…
LOG
What's wrong…
STEVE
Hang on, there's…
LOG
What's wrong with this podcast?
STEVE
Surely…. Yeah, fuck some of our readers, surely?
MATT
Err…
GAV
No!
MATT
I mean, like, …
GAV
We literally been all of them now.
MATT
Fuck Lego! Fuck art!
GAV
No!
MATT
Fuck the readers!
GAV
Oh, Jesus Christ.
MATT
Fuck the Patrons! What else do we have to fuck?
GAV
Nothing!
MATT
Errm…
LOG
All the females…
MATT
Yeah.
LOG
…who listen to this podcast.
GAV
Oh, fuck's sake!
STEVE
Yeah.
MATT
Err, women are unacceptable, will not be tolerated by the podcast.
GAV
Jesus Christ.
MATT
Err, what else? Err, I think that's it.
GAV
Dogs?
MATT
Dogs! Yeah, fuck dogs!
LOG
No, no.
STEVE
That's gone a bit far now, hasn't it?
LOG
No, that… that is where I draw the line. Dogs are cool.
STEVE
Yeah.
GAV
Jingle!
• JINGLE •
"Instrumental - Saxophone, Version 2"
CLOSING CREDITS ROLL