Michael Barrymore's Magician Redux

Gav brings up a magician from the past, Steve has dire warnings from his driving instructor, and guest Joe provides a "choose your own god" adventure quiz thing.

Episode Call Sheet

Cast Member Feature Being Performed
Steve Hogarty "My Muslim Driving Instructor"
Gav Murphy "Magic Trick Revisited"
Joe Skrebels "Build Your Own God"

Script

JOE
Hello, and welcome to episode one hundred and nineteen of Regular Features. I'm Joe Skrebels, and I'm joined by…
GAV
Hang on! What the fuck are you doing? You… You don't get to host it!
STEVE
Who the fuck is Joe Skrebels for a start?
JOE
I thought I was the ringer?
GAV
Yet to be the ringer, you have to be, like, … People bring in ringers when they, like, I'm thinking of Darryl Strawberry in The Simpsons, when he comes onto the softball team. That's a ringer!
JOE
Have you heard "Chat Very Good" podcast?
GAV
Beats that.
JOE
It's pretty good.
GAV
Beep… Beep that!
JOE
I'm not even… I'm not even host of that and I'm still the ringer.
GAV
I meant… I meant I'm just going to edit me saying "Serial!"
JOE
I'll take that.
GAV
I just saw a thing in the paper on the way here that said, err, "Serial Podcast vs. Serial Café". It's, like, oh fuck off!
STEVE
Who thinks… think… think they sound the same?
GAV
Going "Which… Whose side are you on?" What?
JOE
The homonym war, 2014!
GAV
It's, like, I… Those two things aren't against each other!
STEVE
But you have to take sides, okay? You either be in favour of the Serial podcast…
JOE
Do you think if you went through serials and just replaced Sarah Koenig's name with your own name all the way through and re-released it, it's a different podcast then you'd be alright? Like, could you get away with that?
STEVE
I think that's fair dealing.
JOE
That sounds like post-modern art.
GAV
Yeah.
STEVE
Mmmm.
JOE
I'm into that.
GAV
Well, probably won't do that.
JOE
What?
GAV
Take ages!
STEVE
That's a lot of…
GAV
Probably not worth it.
JOE
I don't reckon she says her name that much. I don't think she's an egotist.
STEVE
Yeah.
GAV
I think… Thing is, I was thinking about this the other day and, like, 'cos my… my family have very little idea about what I do. Unless, look, I do some stuff with, like, Welsh TV which they can actually see on telly and, err, I do stuff with, like, with Jynx TV on telly so they can see it. Other than that, I could literally take anything home and be, like, "Oh, I did… I did this. Err, True Detective". "What… What did you do on that?" "Err, All of it" and just edit the… edit the credits so it's just got my come up. They wouldn't have a fucking clue!
STEVE
Yeah. Oh shit, that's a good idea.
GAV
It's a really good idea.
STEVE
Why don't we listen to that jingle now as we start the first Feature?
• JINGLE •
"Titty Bum (Redux)"
GAV
How long did it take you to make that jingle, Joe? Don't lie!
JOE
Most of the morning.
GAV
Yeah, there you go.
JOE
It took a really long time. Most of it was taken up with listening to you, trying to find, like, find good bits and then went "Oh, actually, I give up" and just used that one bit.
GAV
It's, like, "I'm not putting any effort into it, to talking, that I know is getting cut out". So, that's not going to happen, lads. I think you answered them very comprehensively and I look forward to your Feature later on.
• JINGLE •
"Regular Features, Regular Features, what is the feature coming next? Let us see - Version 2"
• FEATURE •
"My Muslim Driving Instructor"
Written and Performed by
Steve Hogarty
★ Rate This Feature ★
STEVE
So, I have a… a, err, a Muslim driving instructor.
GAV
You've talked about this guy.
STEVE
Err, yeah, he's lovely. We've become fast friends.
GAV
That is fine. I mean it's nice that it's got to the point where you don't find it offensive anymore.
STEVE
Yeah. I think it comes from a loving place.
GAV
Okay. Well…
STEVE
He's… He's looking out for me.
GAV
Yeah. He's not brain-washing you or anything.
STEVE
Would you like a… Should we put a jingle in here so you can start your Feature properly?
GAV
Yeah.
STEVE
Okay.
• JINGLE •
"I'm up all night, I feel fine"
• FEATURE •
"Magic Trick Revisited"
Written and Performed by
Gav Murphy
★ Rate This Feature ★
GAV
So, a few years back now… Years! I… We can actually say "a few years back", like, …
STEVE
Mmmm.
GAV
…when we refer to the podcast. That's mad, isn't it? Years! I could have made children! Not you, but, like, the nor… the other… the nor… the normies.
JOE
Mohammed will tell you about that in your next lesson!
STEVE
I could have adopted more children than you could have birthed.
GAV
That's a good point.
STEVE
Shit, guys, he's serious.
GAV
And all the time I'm levitating still.
• JINGLE •
"Gav's Buttocks"
• FEATURE •
"Build Your Own God"
Written and Performed by
Joe Skrebels
★ Rate This Feature ★
JOE
It's Joey Skrebs Feature Time! This is "Build Your Own God".
STEVE
Too good.
GAV
I'll cut it out, don't worry. I'll just keep cutting bits of Joe out! It's, like, "That didn't even make any sense! It's just loads of fucking word jumbled up!"
JOE
"Half… Half way through a sentence he started singing!" This is "Build Your Own God".
STEVE
Okay. Oh.
JOE
So, I wanted to come in big, errm, and I've been watching the news…
STEVE
"Come in big"!
JOE
Well, you've swayed me. I'll start patronising. Not gonna.
STEVE
I love that - not only is he not getting paid, now we're being paid…
GAV
Yeah.
STEVE
…to have him on the podcast.
GAV
This is like Glengarry Glen Ross!
STEVE
That's patreon.com/regularfeatures to support the podcast.
GAV
Excellent. Thank you very much, Joe. You've been a lovely guest.
STEVE
You have been.
JOE
Thanks, mate.
GAV
Bye!
STEVE
Goodbye.
GAV
What were you saying there?
STEVE
I was going to say "Sorry we've been mean to you!"…
GAV
Oh.
STEVE
…but…
GAV
Well, I stopped that, so it's good. Quick, upload!
• JINGLE •
"Quantum Leap"
CLOSING CREDITS ROLL