Life's Too 2011

12: Life's Too 2011 by Regular Features

Episode Call Sheet

Cast Member Feature Being Performed
Jon "Log" Blyth "Life's Too Short"
Matt Lees "Pregnant Bitches"
Gav Murphy "Ways We Can Get Back Into Films"
Steve Hogarty "My Dog Is Dead"

Script

STEVE
Hello, and welcome to Regular Features, the podcast that's the same every week. My name is Steve Hogarty and my jacket from Hong Kong has finally arrived. I'm joined by Matt Lees.
MATT
Hello, I'm Matt Lees and I was kept awake last night by a mouse trying to eat tinfoil.
STEVE
And also Gavin Murphy.
GAV
Hello, I'm Gav Murphy and this week we've successfully made the leap from Dutch cheap larger to French cheap larger.
STEVE
And Jon 'Log' Blyth.
LOG
When I was four years old I was given a birthday presents on the end of string. The strings were by my bed and I had to follow them to various places around the house where my presents were and I've never had a birthday as nice as that since.
• JINGLE •
"Instrumental - Flute"
• FEATURE •
"Life's Too Short"
Written and Performed by
Jon "Log" Blyth
★ Rate This Feature ★
LOG
So, it's time for my feature now, is it?
GAV
Yes!
STEVE
Yay!
LOG
Yay! My feature is based on the fact that I watched an episode of "Life's Too Short", the Ricky Gervais comedy, where he is relentless towards a dwarf, or whatever. Basically, I just watched it. It wasn't very pleasant. However…
MATT
Right.
LOG
…I did think I could write using what I'd seen, I could write the next episode for him.
LOG
Roll credits!
• JINGLE •
"Instrumental - Voice, Version 2"
• FEATURE •
"Pregnant Bitches"
Written and Performed by
Matt Lees
★ Rate This Feature ★
MATT
So, my Regular Feature this week is actually an idea I've been saving for a little while. Errm, I don't know if any of you guys do this, but I've got a thing I call my second brain and, effect… effectively, it's my mobile phone, but when I'm drunk sometimes I have ideas and I just tap them into my phone…
GAV
And go "Ah, this is a good one!"
MATT
…and then I'll come back to it later. Now, very often, errm, I'll look back and it'll tell me when the idea was saved, and this one was saved at about three in the morning, on a Friday I think, and I can't remember exactly what it was about, but it's just two words, errm, and those words are "Pregnant Bitches".
GAV
Mmmm.
MATT
Now, I don't really know what it was about, but I thought it was there for a…
LOG
I thought it was misogyny?
STEVE
Yeah.
MATT
Misogyny? I guess.
LOG
That's what it sounds like.
MATT
Yeah. Yeah. I…
GAV
Is it "Pregnant Bitches" or "Pregnant Bitch-ez"?
MATT
But because of that, I'm not allowed to push into queues. I rest my case.
STEVE
Well, that's a prick's case.
• JINGLE •
"Regular Features, Regular Features, what is the feature coming next? Let us see. - Version 1"
• FEATURE •
"Ways We Can Get Back Into Films"
Written and Performed by
Gav Murphy
★ Rate This Feature ★
GAV
It's time for my Regular Feature. Errm, I'm basically… I started thinking about this year and I wanted to find out how many films had been set in 2010 or 2011. This is a thing that I did. So I've come up with a list of ways that we can get back into films.
LOG
Oh, nice.
GAV
Modern times.
MATT
Well, that's it - science fiction films have been shit since the 80's so…
GAV
Well, if… if 2010…
MATT
I'm sorry.
GAV
Basically, my feature is that if 2010 was to start being featured in films either now or in, you know, whenever.
LOG
In the future, as a model of the futuristic ambitions of mankind?
GAV
This is the shit that we need to start doing.
MATT
Real life?
LOG
If this going to be a memorable time for movies?
• JINGLE •
"It is time for the next Regular Feature"
• FEATURE •
"My Dog Is Dead"
Written and Performed by
Steve Hogarty
★ Rate This Feature ★
STEVE
Now it's time for my Regular Feature, "My Dog Is Dead". Errm, my dog died, err, on Monday.
LOG
Do you want a ripple of polite laughter?
CLOSING CREDITS ROLL