A Crambus Miracle

Welcome to this very special episode of Regular Features, in which Matt discovers the true meaning of Christmas, Steve discovers the true meaning of Christmas and as for Log, well, you'll just have to wait and find out! (He discovers the true meaning of Christmas). In fact, all o dem boys be learnin bout Christmas, and now YOU CAN TOO. Merry Christmas from Team Features!

Episode Call Sheet

Cast Member Feature Being Performed
Matt Lees "Deal Christmas Or No Deal Christmas"
Steve Hogarty "What Christmas Are You?"
Jon "Log" Blyth "The Regular Features 2014 Nativity Play"

Script

STEVE
Have yourself a merry, merry Features!
LOG
A merry, merry, Christ… Features! I was waiting to see if you said "Regular" instead of "merry" before going for balls out into "Features".
STEVE
Balls out!
MATT
Yeah, he got it!
STEVE
Guys, it's Christmas day!
LOG
This is devine!
MATT
Oh, my God!
STEVE
OMG!
LOG
Are you cuddled up all in warm inside a stocking hanging off the fireplace, 'cos I am!
MATT
Can of roasted, err…
STEVE
Nutmeg?
MATT
…orange.
STEVE
Roasted chestnuts?
MATT
Clementine.
LOG
I've popped a walnut under my foreskin and I'll be wanking to dust later on.
MATT
Ohh, brilliant. Well, that's the best way to make stuffing I hear.
LOG
It is.
STEVE
Mmmm.
MATT
But guys, I've got a Christmas confession to make on this of… the very Christmas of days.
STEVE
What better time to make a Christmas confession than on Christmas day?
MATT
I haven't had time…
LOG
God is even looking, so he probably won't even notice.
STEVE
He's so busy delivering presents…
MATT
Wait, wait. God isn't looking. Alright guys.
STEVE
Anything goes.
MATT
I've killed so many people. Anyway, errm, basically, I haven't had time to do a Feature for today's podcast, but why haven't I had time to do a feature for today's podcast?
LOG
You're just not invested in the podcast anymore?
STEVE
'Cause…
MATT
Yeah? No!
STEVE
Oh, that's bad.
LOG
Oh.
STEVE
Wish I hadn't said that now.
MATT
Because I've been making a present for my podcast buddies!
STEVE
Yes!
LOG
Those are the kinds of presents that are the best presents to give! Maybe not the best presents to receive.
MATT
I will… I will unearth, live on the podcast,…
LOG
Shit?
MATT
…is there's lots more of these in the kitchen.
STEVE
This is fucking real!
LOG
Wow!
MATT
There's enough for both of you to go home with and there's some for Gav after Christmas when he's here.
LOG
Ahh! Nothing makes a present seem more precious than shit quantity.
STEVE
So, what have we got here?
MATT
What have we got here?
LOG
Whoa!
STEVE
Oh, my God!
LOG
Are these got drug in?
STEVE
Oh, my God! It got drugs in! No, they're little baked cocks!
MATT
They don't have drugs in.
LOG
They're pink!
STEVE
Are they gingerbread cocks?
MATT
They are spicy, gingerbread, err, penises.
LOG
Wow!
STEVE
They remarkably look like penises. They… There's… You can see the balls…
MATT
I was…
LOG
Right, can we just all pause and eat a dick!
STEVE
Here we go. Mmmm. Mmmm. Mmmm. Mmmm.
LOG
We all went for the bell end first.
MATT
Mmmm.
LOG
None of us worked from the balls up, naturally.
MATT
It's like with a Jelly Baby. You've got to take the head first.
LOG
Mmmm. Mmmm!
STEVE
It's the best dick I've ever tasted, Matt.
LOG
Yeah, they're like pink drizzle and it's tasty, not too sweet.
STEVE
Yeah.
LOG
I'm just going to take a sip from a ball now.
MATT
Yeah.
LOG
Oh. Oh! The balls are softer than the shaft.
STEVE
This isn't from a packet at all.
MATT
It isn't.
STEVE
You don't get dicks in packets, do you?
MATT
They don't sell dicks in Tesco's. No, not in any form.
STEVE
No. Well, excuse us, readers, while we finish off our dicks.
LOG
I'm going to save a little bit of dick for later.
STEVE
Mmmm.
LOG
For later.
MATT
There… There are lots of dicks, I mean…
LOG
Dick for later. Ha ha ha ha ha!
• FEATURE •
"Deal Christmas Or No Deal Christmas"
Written and Performed by
Matt Lees
★ Rate This Feature ★
MATT
But, that's not the end of my, err, non-Feature. I'm not very good at Christmas or shopping, errm, but I was Christmas shopping with some other people who were very good at Christmas and shopping the other week.
STEVE
Mmmm.
LOG
Did you just follow them around and buy what they bought?
MATT
Pretty much! Errm…
STEVE
It's the best way to do your Christmas shopping.
MATT
That's pretty much what I…
LOG
Just ask them "Who's that for?" and then buy the same person the same thing and give it to them first!
MATT
Mmmm. "I don't know anyone with that name. I guess I'll just keep following". No, err, yeah, I saw some things and I thought "They're quite nice!" and they were… I thought "They're quite nice!" and I… I thought "I'll get some of them for the podcast people". But, Gav isn't here right?
STEVE
Mmmm.
LOG
No.
MATT
And also, I haven't had time to wrap them and partly because my girlfriend's taken all of the wrapping paper…
LOG
What a…
MATT
…to another house. What a bitch! How dare she take her things to wherever she wants them to be? Women!
STEVE
Mmmm.
LOG
Autonomous! I hate the fact they're all autonomous creatures.
STEVE
That they're autonomous?
LOG
So…
STEVE
Well, they act like they're autonomous.
LOG
Mmmm.
MATT
No, they really are Steve. They can do whatever they want.
STEVE
Oh.
LOG
Well, it's time we set up a system that prevented that.
STEVE
Only… Only because men have been giving that idea for a while now.
MATT
Oh, where's the satire trumpet when you need it?
LOG
We should invest in a satire trumpet.
MATT
We should actually.
STEVE
Mmmm.
MATT
Wah! Wah! Wahhh!
LOG
No, no, no!
STEVE
That's not satire.
LOG
That's not satire, that's…
STEVE
For a start, that's a trombone.
LOG
Yeah.
MATT
Look, what I thought what we'd do instead then, because I've got these three things, right? Three… three presents, kind of similar, but also not wrapped. So, I thought we could play a game…
STEVE
Mmmm?
MATT
…called, errm, "Deal Christmas or No Deal Christmas".
LOG
Oooh.
STEVE
Mmmm.
MATT
So, the way this works, basically, is I… You've got to choose one of you to play and where it'll be… What'll happen is you'll take something out of the bag and you'll say "Deal Christmas!" and then you've got that, that's your present, or "No Deal Christmas" which means it's then up for grabs and, Log or Steve, you can choose if you want and then whatever's left over Gav gets.
LOG
You do realise that if this doesn't work as a will game you forfeit all rights to criticise any kind of game in future?
MATT
Of course.
STEVE
Mmmm.
LOG
Video, board game…
STEVE
Or parlour.
MATT
But criticizing parlour games is… is all I'm allowed…
LOG
"It's all I do!"
STEVE
It's the only remaining kind of game.
MATT
"Ladies, you're game of, err, "Peg Round A Hoop" is perfectly useless!"
STEVE
Fuck you! Don't knock "Peg Round The Hoop"!
MATT
"Peg Round The Hoop"? That's fucking impossible!
STEVE
Well, it's… it's a twist on the old "Hoop Around A Peg", isn't it?
MATT
I was really struggling for a parlour game, and even when I thought I had one, turned out I didn't. Errm…
LOG
Okay.
MATT
Right, but who wants to play? Who wants to play?
STEVE
I'll go.
LOG
Steve goes! Yes.
MATT
"Deal Christmas or No Deal Christmas", so Steve you can pull…
STEVE
Hang on, do I get to feel around?
MATT
Well, they all very… feel very similar so…
LOG
Do I have to look away?
MATT
No, not really.
STEVE
Okay, so I'm going to just…
MATT
There's…
STEVE
…feel…
LOG
Where's the… Where's the jeopardy?
STEVE
…several…
MATT
No, they're all the same size…
STEVE
Okay.
MATT
…and there's three of them…
STEVE
Okay.
MATT
…and, yeah, okay.
STEVE
So, I'm holding one now.
MATT
Yep.
STEVE
Now I have to say if it's deal or no deal?
MATT
Well, no, you get to look at it first!
STEVE
Oh, do I?
MATT
Yeah?
STEVE
That makes… No, no, that makes loads of sense.
LOG
Now you're in the driving seat.
STEVE
Right? Eww, this is… Yeah, now I see a gambling element. I don't know what the other two are…
MATT
You don't know what the other two are but the thing is, is this…
STEVE
…but this one is pretty fucking good.
MATT
…is this the best one though? That's the question.
STEVE
I don't really want this.
LOG
Do you want to… Do you want to tell the readers at home what it is?
STEVE
Can I tell the readers what it is?
MATT
Yeah, of course you can, yeah.
STEVE
It is a…
LOG
It would help them enjoy the podcast, I think.
STEVE
Do I have to?
MATT
For the purpose of entertainment, yeah.
STEVE
Honestly, I thought if I told them what it was, I couldn't have it. It is a… It's an owl made of, err, individual pieces of card that all slot together like you know that dinosaur that we all…
LOG
Oh!
STEVE
…constructed in the 90's from the magazine?
LOG
What, all of us together in the massive, nationwide "Build A Dinosaur Together" thing?
STEVE
The glow in the dark…
MATT
It's one of the few times I've ever felt connected as a species.
LOG
I've… It's the only time I've ever felt British and proud to be so.
STEVE
Mmmm. It's like one of those. It's a, err… It's a 3D puzzle owl, and you know what, Matt, "Deal Christmas" on the puzzle owl!
MATT
"Deal Christmas"! Oh, we've got a "Deal Christmas" right off the bat. That's exciting.
LOG
Whoa!
MATT
Which means now we're onto Log.
STEVE
I fucking want this puzzle owl so much!
MATT
There are… There are… There are two left and you get to, basically, take one and decide whether it's "Deal Christmas" or "No Deal Christmas".
LOG
But, if they're all the same size and stuff, then it's going to be… I'm going to guess this is a different puzzle creature.
STEVE
Oh, if it's a dinosaur, I want it!
LOG
Oh, I… It's going to be a dinosaur. What other kind of animal is there?
STEVE
Oh, shit.
LOG
Owls and dinosaurs.
STEVE
They're the two main genus. Genii?
LOG
It's a fucking orangutan!
STEVE
Oh!
LOG
That is the same kind of animal that punches people out of trucks on Clint Eastwood films. "Deal Christmas" Matt Lees!
MATT
You're just going straight into it?
LOG
Oh, you… you can't do better than an orangutan.
MATT
You might be right.
LOG
It fucks an owl right in the beak.
STEVE
Oh, and his is made of dark card. Mine is made of light, white card.
LOG
Oooh.
MATT
Yeah, well, the… the… the final then, for… for Gav when he's finally here again…
LOG
If it's a dinosaur, he deserves it. He's… He's that shit-mental for dinosaurs.
MATT
It's not quite a dinosaur, but it is dinosaur era so maybe it's something that can play with his dinosaurs?
STEVE
Mmmm.
MATT
It is a mammoth.
STEVE
Oh! It's a woolly mammoth!
LOG
There were comtemporaneous!
MATT
Sure, not… not… not quite dinosaur era but they can probably play with dinosaurs?
STEVE
Yeah, I mean, they were in "The Flintstones"!
MATT
They've got a lot in common. They're both, kind of, extinct so maybe they get on at parties or something?
STEVE
Yeah. They've got tusks like all dinosaurs do.
MATT
But that was my attempt to turn me giving you some small Christmas presents into a Feature.
STEVE
Are these for us? Can I… Can I have this?
MATT
Yes, of course you… Yes, of course you can. It's a… It's a genuine present.
LOG
I'm going to take this home.
MATT
I hope you like it.
STEVE
Awesome! Thank you, Matt.
MATT
I hope you like it.
LOG
A best feature, well, not for the readers…
MATT
Not for the readers.
LOG
…for us - yes.
STEVE
And, even after I saw the other ones, I'm glad I dealed Christmas…
MATT
The owl is a good one.
STEVE
…on the owl.
MATT
The thing was, I was trying to find a dinosaur one specifically for Gav, and I couldn't find one, so, yeah, I was really gutted by that. I was, like, "Why isn't there a dinosaur one?" but there isn't.
STEVE
Log, are you happy with your orangutan?
LOG
I am. It suits me down to the ground.
• JINGLE •
"Regular Features "Road" version"
• FEATURE •
"What Christmas Are You?"
Written and Performed by
Steve Hogarty
★ Rate This Feature ★
STEVE
And now it's time for Steve's Regular Feature…
LOG
Thank God for that.
STEVE
…"What Christmas Are You?"
LOG
What Christmas am I? What kind of Christmas am I?
STEVE
As you all know…
LOG
Yes?
MATT
I'm kind of a…
STEVE
…I'm a big fan of Christmas.
MATT
Well, I think of myself as being a kind of, err, kind of a baby-Jesus Christmas really.
STEVE
Well… Well, you're gonna… you're gonna do my fucking quiz!
LOG
You… You don't tell the quiz what type of Christmas you are.
MATT
No, but it's, like, when there's…
STEVE
Do you… Easy quiz.
LOG
It's like when there's…
STEVE
Which "Friends" character are you? Monica.
MATT
Yeah, but everybody know…
LOG
Err, I'm… Everybody says "I'm a Monica". I am Monica!
STEVE
I am such a Monica.
MATT
You go into it being, like, I am a Chandler and I am going to pick all the questions that make me a Chandler.
LOG
Mmmm.
MATT
Like, you know, just… I'll… I'll wait for the… the one where it's, like, …
STEVE
Well, you should pick your answers.
MATT
…you can't be…
LOG
But only a Joey would do that.
MATT
Ahh, you're right.
STEVE
That's true. So, the quiz knows best. The quiz algorithms…
MATT
"You cannot beat the quiz!"
STEVE
Yes. So, it's Christmas and… So, we all know what that means in terms of…
LOG
The date?
STEVE
…the date. Eating berries under the Cramblebush. Building… Building the snowman. Waiting up after your parents have gone to bed for Doctor Crambles, the lord of Cramblemass to witness his gestures. I've always fallen asleep while waiting up for Doctor Crambles, exhausted from the festive shouting. But which Christmas are you? So, I'm going to ask you questions. My favourite Cramble is? A) Doctor Crambles, obviously? B) The Christmas Cramble? Or, C) Jesus Cramble himself?
MATT
They kind of like…
LOG
It was… It is, in effect, Cramble zero.
MATT
I think I'm going to have to go for Cramble zero.
STEVE
Crambles'es… Jesus Crambles for Matt.
LOG
I'm going for Doctor Crambles.
STEVE
Doctor Crambles for Log. Okay. On Crambleness, you will always find me? A) Singing in the Crimbles song? B) Outside where I belong? Or C) Hiding from Doctor Crambles?
LOG
I like that! "Outside where I belong. I know my place. I'm probably the family dog". I'm going to be outside, where I belong.
STEVE
So, Log's outside where he belongs.
MATT
I think, having shown my, err, allegiance to, err, baby Crambles, the Jesus…
STEVE
Mmmm?
MATT
Err, I should probably be hiding from Doctor Crambles.
STEVE
Hiding Doctor Crambles?
MATT
I know I've angered him.
LOG
He knows you've just burned him in question one.
MATT
But it's Jesus - baby Crambles himself, Log. You can't… It's risking business to ignore that.
STEVE
Mmmm.
MATT
That's what I'm saying?
LOG
Yeah…
STEVE
And never the twain…
LOG
…and who knows what… who he'll grow here up to be.
STEVE
Never the twain have met.
LOG
Or should.
STEVE
Or should. Okay. Errm, next question. Err, who is the best reindeer of them all? Is it A)…
LOG
They can all have "Cramble" in them and it's gonna make me laugh! I'm annoyed at how easily my buttons are pressed.
STEVE
Is it A) Good Rudolph.
LOG
Oh.
STEVE
B)…
LOG
I can't… See, you've confounded my expectations.
STEVE
…Bad Rudolph? C) Screaming Rudolph, who screams, screams the way for Doctor Crambles sleigh?
LOG
Oh, God.
MATT
I'm a bad Rudolph man…
STEVE
Matt's a bad Rudolph man.
MATT
…if I don't say so myself.
LOG
Oh, just the screaming one. I… I just like screaming.
STEVE
Who screams, scream the way for Doctor Crables sleigh. That… So… That's…
LOG
He… He screams a… a cone of clement weather for Crambles… Doctor Crambles to fly through.
STEVE
Next question, complete the famous Crimblemas lyric. This is gonna test your Crimblemas knowledge to it's… to the ground. So…
MATT
Straight down to the ground then digging under?
STEVE
…So,"Get out! Get out!" A) "It's Crimblemas, you idiot!" B) "Get outside where you belong!" C) "Doctor Crambles is inside the house!"
LOG
I'm gonna get outside where I belong even though that implies that I got in again during the previous question.
MATT
I'm gonna… But, I think Doctor Crambles is in the house.
STEVE
Doctor Crambles is in the house? Okay.
MATT
I've been worried about this and I think it's happened.
STEVE
I think it's… We're narrowing in on what you both are on this one. Err,right. Do you like building the snowman? A) Yes, the snowman embodies the spirit of Crimble? B) No, the snowman represents Cramble? Or, C) The snowman must be built. My feelings are of no consequence?
LOG
I like C. I do not believe that my feelings have any consequence in the building ceremony.
MATT
It's not like our place… It's not like our place… At this time of year… At this time of year it's just not our place.
STEVE
It's not. The Snowman must be built.
MATT
It must be.
STEVE
Yes.
MATT
I mean, the consequences don't bear thinking about.
STEVE
Okay, I've put your answers into the algorithm, and I've got some answers here. Okay. Hang on… Add the…
MATT
I hope I'm Monica.
STEVE
Add the A.
MATT
No, Chandler! Jesus! Oh, fuck!
LOG
Oh, only a Joey would get Monica and Chandler confused.
MATT
Oh, I don't want to be Joey!
LOG
You're always going to be a Joey
MATT
At least can I be hot and buff?
LOG
No, it's just the way you are socially, not how hot you are.
STEVE
Log, ahem. You are Crangle the Elf who built the snowman in the outside.
LOG
So I wanted to go outside.
STEVE
Yeah, you… you…
LOG
I stayed outside where I belong.
STEVE
And Matt, oh no, this is going to fly in the face of…
MATT
What?
STEVE
…your expectations because you are Doctor Crambles himself…
MATT
Ohhh.
STEVE
…whose gestures are known to all who do not sleep and to those who wait need the cramblebush and do not move.
MATT
That makes sense though, right 'cos I was avoiding Doctor Crambles so much is because I was him.
STEVE
Yeah.
MATT
He's like Superman and Clark Kent, you know?
STEVE
It's best way to avoid Doctor Crambles.
LOG
You know what a fearsome personality you are, and how wrong are you?
MATT
Well, if Doctor Crambles is coming, I need to leave because I am Doctor Crambles. It's a classic two personality thing.
STEVE
Switcheroo!
MATT
"Doctor Crambles I think, but is he? Oh, well I've gotta go, right now". Like, 'cos yeah, you can't be in the same place at same time because…
STEVE
Yeah.
MATT
…you are the same person. I understand how physics works, guys. Don't test me on this.
STEVE
Don't test Doctor Crambles!
LOG
"Don't question me any further".
STEVE
Cool. Well, thank you for taking part in my quiz.
LOG
Well, It's good to know.
MATT
And don't forget to make me the snowman.
LOG
We all know to build the snowman, Doctor Crambles.
MATT
Well, just remember.
LOG
Can you look out the window? It's already fifty feet tall!
STEVE
It will not ever stop being built.
• JINGLE •
"Regular Features went down"
• FEATURE •
"The Regular Features 2014 Nativity Play"
Written and Performed by
Jon "Log" Blyth
★ Rate This Feature ★
LOG
Ladies and gentlemen, take a seat please because it's time for my Regular Feature which is "The Regular Features 2014 Nativity Play" and you've got to be kind because it's performed by children…
STEVE
True.
LOG
…and, errm, if you… With no further ado, errm, make some kind of drum roll, or bang it on the big bass drum, and let's begin.
STEVE
Yes.
LOG
"Hello. I'm Jesus. I'm thirty-three year old today and I'd like to tell you a story".
MATT
"I am an innocent child, Jesus. I do hope this story doesn't have knockers and bums in it?"
LOG
"It is a story about humanity child. There are always going to be some knockers and bums. I will, however, strive to already cut away before I describe it going in.
MATT
"Then you may continue".
LOG
"Thanks. Speaking as the guy who died for your sins, that you may be forgiven, your mission to tell a fucking story means a lot to me."
STEVE
"Do you want me to flip his fucking table over, Jesus? I'll flip this mother-fucker's tables into the fucking River Jordan!"
LOG
"Well, I… I don't think it'll come to that, Michael. Anyway, this is the story about how I was born. Scene One: Mary Gets Pregnant."
STEVE
"Mary? Mary? Mary?"
LOG
"What is it, Joe? I'm milking this goat, or whatever it is! Is it a goat? I mean, this is milk, right? Why am I surrounded by buckets of what may, or may not be, milk?"
STEVE
"There you are! I'm just off out to learn how to do dovetail joints. I'm halfway through a dining table and, to be honest, I think I've bitten off more than I can chew."
LOG
"Okay, I'll just hang around here, I suppose".
MATT
"Joseph walks off singing about coping saws. Hello Mary, I've been sent by God to put a messiah square in your womb-pipes".
LOG
"Oooh! How does that work then?"
MATT
"First, I have to rig you up to this mechanical fucking machine".
LOG
"Oooh!"
MATT
"When it's pumping at seventy-seven miles per hour, God can enter the machine and load it up with heavenly jizz".
LOG
"Oooh!"
MATT
"It's not very accurate but God produces a thick river of sweet tasting cum that could drown a heard of buffalo. So, some of it will probably go up in you."
STEVE
"Mary thinks for a couple of minutes".
LOG
"That sounds hot! How'd you like story so far, kids?"
MATT
"It's a little rich for my tastes".
STEVE
"So help me, Jesus, let me flip this uptight bastard's tables!"
LOG
"No! We're just getting to the bit where Mary fucks about on a donkey".
MATT
"Scene Two: Mary Fucks About On A Donkey".
LOG
"I am pulling off some unsurpassed stunts on this donkey as we ride to Bethlehem or Nazareth to fill out a census".
STEVE
"I didn't even know donkeys could do loop-the-loops".
MATT
"Hello, I'm the good Samaritan. Err, can I have a biscuit?"
STEVE
"Get a job, Captain Moochabout!"
LOG
"I'll employ you, mate. I'll employ you to check out my sweet donkey moves".
MATT
"Whoa! Fair play! Err, I… I didn't get what I thought I wanted - a biscuit, but you gave me what I didn't realise I did really want - to watch a pregnant woman on a donkey do a loop-the-loop".
STEVE
"Wait a minute! Pregnant?"
LOG
"Ooops! What a cliff-hanger! Will Joseph lose his shit and take Mary onto Jeremey Kyle, or will they carry on to Bethlehem or Nazareth and find a place to park their baby? Let's find out in scene three".
MATT
"I've got to be home soon, Jesus. My parents are expecting me".
LOG
"Your parents are dead! I killed them so that you could stay with me for a few minutes more!"
MATT
"You killed my…"
LOG
"Hang about, and I'll resurrect them for you. Assuming you don't carried on being a wee fucker!"
LOG
"Scene Three: In A Field".
STEVE
"Oy, oy! That star over there looks like it needs following".
MATT
"Where is it at?"
STEVE
"Looks like it's over Bethlehem or Nazereth".
MATT
"Oh, cool! We can go and, err, fill in that census too. Kill two birds with one stone".
STEVE
"That's totally fucking convenient".
LOG
"Scene Four: Mary Tries To Get In A Pub. Come on man, give us a room! The babies head's halfway out and I don't want to throttle him with my tight virgin's fanny!"
MATT
"Jesus? I'm sorry to interrupt your story, but for fuck's sake!"
LOG
"Okay, okay. I'll put in a family friendly bit with a talking dog for you".
MATT
"So, if I shut up, you'll put in a talking dog, and bring my parents back from the dead?"
LOG
"Maybe".
MATT
"Okay. Carry on".
LOG
"Again, thanks for the permission. As your only path to salvation and God's kingdom, it's important to me".
MATT
"Scene Five: In The Manger".
STEVE
He's a sarky bastard that Jesus, isn't he?
LOG
He's Jesus, he is easy.
MATT
Trouble!
LOG
"Oooh, thank fuck that baby is out of me! My cunt is like a pulled Christmas cracker, I can tell you!"
STEVE
"Then we shall call today, Christmas. For now, and for always".
LOG
"And thanks for all the presents, guys. The gold looks well expensive. The frankinsmense… The frankinsmense… The frankincense smells lush and the talking dog is so sassy, I can barely believe my ears".
MATT
"You can't believe your ears? You should see them from where I'm sitting!"
STEVE
"Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Ahh. I'm not even sure that makes sense, but it was delivered with all the camp inflections of a bitchy joke so I'm laughing so as not to look stupid".
LOG
"And that's essentially what religion is, only instead of laughter it's obedience, and instead of looking stupid, it's the threat of eternal agony".
MATT
"Halleluiah, you crazy cunts!"
STEVE
"Ain't that the truth! Amen!"
MATT
"Ain't that the truth! Amen!"
LOG
"Ain't that the truth! Amen!"
STEVE
Mmmm.
LOG
But I, for one, hope you enjoy the rest of your Christmas day.
MATT
If you haven't listened to this on Christmas day then of course you haven't received any of the blessings and you will not have a good year, so I hope that you are listening to this on Christmas day.
LOG
Well the…
STEVE
They can hold on to them for next Christmas.
LOG
Well…
MATT
No.
LOG
What, you… you take a blessing deficit into 2015, you're going to have to work really hard to just reach zero blessings.
MATT
Fuck!
STEVE
Yeah.
MATT
Yeah.
STEVE
Or just go into your Christmas 2015 with a fucking stale-ass blessing from last year.
LOG
Urgh!
MATT
Well, you'll probably listen to this in, like, early January and, if that's the case, then any New Year's Resolution you've made - chuck 'em out the window 'cos you'll be dead by February!
STEVE
Mmmm.
LOG
Not even worth it.
STEVE
If you're listening to it on Christmas day…
LOG
Well done! You enter tier two of the Regular Features brotherhood.
STEVE
It's not a happy tier to be in!
LOG
Oh, yeah.
STEVE
It does put the tear into tier!
LOG
In… into… Yeah.
MATT
But, at least you'll be li… alive in March. So, swings and roundabouts.
LOG
Yes.
STEVE
That's true.
MATT
Don't paint it as being all bad, Steve.
STEVE
We'll be back in… Hang on. When's the next week? Is that… Is that going …
LOG
Well, next week is going to be the live show that was our most tricksy live show ever.
MATT
Tricksy's the least.
STEVE
Will that be next year now? What's twenty-five plus seven?
LOG
Two!
MATT
It's two, yeah.
STEVE
Shit! See you next year in 2015!
LOG
Come on! We've nearly done a full year of weekly podcasts and, after that, we can just let go and do fuck all forever! It's fine!
STEVE
Bye bye.
MATT
Bye.
LOG
Bye bye.
• JINGLE •
"Millennium"
CLOSING CREDITS ROLL