Trigger Trap a Corrie Napper

Why yes that IS the best title we've had in ages. In this episode of the podcast, Log asks: "are you napping too much?", Matt wonders: "have I triggered all of my sleeper agents of 2014?", while Steve queries: "what happens at the tops of stairs in Coronation Street?" All of those questions are answered and more in this very hungry and sort of sad sounding episode.

Episode Call Sheet

Cast Member Feature Being Performed
Steve Hogarty "Christmas On Coronation Street Teaser"
Matt Lees "Sleeper Agent Assassins"
Jon "Log" Blyth "Eleven Ways To Find Out That You Nap Too Much"

Script

LOG
Well…
STEVE
I've got a joke for you.
LOG
What… What's that joke?
MATT
We haven't even… We haven't started the podcast.
LOG
Well, I think we have. I think that was the most poignant start to a podcast ever.
MATT
Oh, yeah, but we usually start by saying what number it is.
STEVE
Ohhh.
LOG
One-two-two you mean?
MATT
Hello, and welcome to episode one-two-two of Regular Features.
LOG
What's your joke, Steve?
STEVE
Well, it… My joke is, what does… what does a ballerina need?
MATT
Legs?
STEVE
One tutu.
LOG
Ah!
MATT
Ah! I think she needs legs. Your answer's good as well.
STEVE
She just needs tutu.
• JINGLE •
"Ducks"
STEVE
Whoa! Hold your Feature horses there, Matt, you! Because, I have a Christmas story…
LOG
That's so important, it's worth using your full name, Matt.
MATT
We're not doing Christmas stories now! It's time for me to bring in the New Year with the… a New Year Feature!
LOG
Oh! Christmas Echoes! Echoes! Echoes!
MATT
No, you're not supposed to give up. This is…
STEVE
Oh, sorry.
MATT
Like, the fight - the old against the new. It's iconic, you know? Who will win? The shadow of 2004 or the bright shining knight of the future?
STEVE
It's fine. You… You can be Matt. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt you.
MATT
Do … Do your Christmas Feature!
• FEATURE •
"Christmas On Coronation Street Teaser"
Written and Performed by
Steve Hogarty
★ Rate This Feature ★
STEVE
I went to Coronation Street for Christmas.
LOG
Wow, that was the most passive way to win an argument ever, you manipulative bastard, Steve!
STEVE
Errm, it's, err, "Christmas on Coronation Street" and you're allowed to visit the old Corr… Corrie set
MATT
Mmmm.
STEVE
…in the Granada Studios.
MATT
The endless tuna pipe. Errm, yeah, that made me think a little bit about my Feature.
• JINGLE •
"Next"
• FEATURE •
"Sleeper Agent Assassins"
Written and Performed by
Matt Lees
★ Rate This Feature ★
MATT
So, this week on… on my Feature, err, I can let you know that when I was writing this, it… 'cos you were worried about getting caught for recording it, right?
LOG
Mmmm.
MATT
I was a bit worried about getting caught for recording this Feature. I… i.e. Writing it on my phone.
STEVE
Mmmm.
MATT
Because I was writing it this morning when I was on the London Underground and there were two policemen sat, stood actually, about two and a half feet away from me. Proper policemen, not just, like, the fake ones, real, real police.
STEVE
With authority.
• JINGLE •
"Won't somebody tell me where my feature's gone?"
• FEATURE •
"Eleven Ways To Find Out That You Nap Too Much"
Written and Performed by
Jon "Log" Blyth
★ Rate This Feature ★
LOG
Well, I don't know about you but, oh, I've been napping a lot. Don't you like a nap?
MATT
I do.
STEVE
Oh, I love a good nap.
MATT
Ohh!
CLOSING CREDITS ROLL