Purple Prozzie Scum Bus

Matt thinks he's special because a prostitute likes him, Gav's a dick to a stranger (for a change) and Steve writes some better Black Mirror plots than the people who are paid to do it.

Episode Call Sheet

Cast Member Feature Being Performed
Matt Lees "New Years Eve Prostitute"
Gav Murphy "Coach Trip"
Steve Hogarty "Steve's Had A Couple Of Ideas For New Episodes of Black Mirror"

Script

GAV
Hello, and welcome to episode one hundred and twenty-three of Regular Features.
STEVE
One, two, three…
MATT
It's easy…
STEVE
It's easy as A, B, C.
MATT
That… You know what, I was thinking about that song in the shower this morning. No lie. I kept thinking about it and I thought it was a bit of a… a… a… a forward song in a way 'cos it's, like, "Hey, A, B, C - It's as easy as 1, 2, 3. It's as simple as, like, Do, Re, Mi"…
GAV
They're different things.
MATT
…and it goes "Baby, me and you, girl". It's, like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa. What you saying? Like, hang on, like, it's a bit of a leap, right?
GAV
She's an easy as…
MATT
So you're saying "Hey, you know how, like, it's really easy to be, like, one, two, three and, like, A, B, C?"…
GAV
Yeah.
MATT
…"Well, like, let's hook up!" 'cos that'd be quite easy, wouldn't it?
STEVE
Yeah.
GAV
Yeah.
MATT
I just sort of think it's a bit of a creepy jump really.
GAV
Sometimes it is that easy though depending on how…
MATT
As easy as…
GAV
… drunk you or the other person is.
STEVE
The alphabet?
GAV
Well…
STEVE
Actually, as the people who… learning the alphabet or learning how to count are very young children…
MATT
Yeah.
STEVE
…and if you're trying to convince someone A) of that age, or of that mental capacity…
GAV
Yeah.
STEVE
…to go out with you…
GAV
Mmmm.
MATT
Well, I guess it was sung by a boy.
GAV
Yeah, it was probably easy, and he was a really cute boy as well…
MATT
It was written by his dad.
GAV
…so it was probably really easy for him to get off with kids.
MATT
Basically, all we've worked out…
GAV
And, he's really cute.
MATT
Yeah.
GAV
I'd get off with him.
MATT
Right.
STEVE
Welcome to episode one, two, three…
MATT
Of Regular Features.
STEVE
…of Regular Features
• JINGLE •
"Regular Features "Now" version"
• FEATURE •
"New Years Eve Prostitute"
Written and Performed by
Matt Lees
★ Rate This Feature ★
MATT
So you were saying, err, you know, about attraction and stuff, you were talking about that. I thought recently…
STEVE
He was talking about attraction to children!
• JINGLE •
"I was made for Regular Features"
• FEATURE •
"Coach Trip"
Written and Performed by
Gav Murphy
★ Rate This Feature ★
GAV
Well, this is a repeated feature, again. Errm, I thought we'll… we'd got out of that habit, but this wasn't our fault. Well, it might have been.
MATT
Basically, something went wrong with the recording of the live show that we did recently which…
GAV
Yeah.
MATT
…wasn't the end of the world 'cos it wasn't that great anyway.
• JINGLE •
"Do you have any Regular Features? (Abridged Version)"
• FEATURE •
"Steve's Had A Couple Of Ideas For New Episodes of Black Mirror"
Written and Performed by
Steve Hogarty
★ Rate This Feature ★
STEVE
And now it's time for Steve's Regular Feature, "Steve's Had A Couple Of Ideas For New Episodes of Black Mirror" - …
GAV
Oh!
MATT
Oh!
STEVE
…The television show all about what if technology was bad.
MATT
Yeah. Yeah.
• JINGLE •
"Best Friends"
CLOSING CREDITS ROLL