Date-a-Hipster Death Street

Gav wants to date a hipster and Steve's gone Corrie mad. This one's for you, Deirdre.

Episode Call Sheet

Cast Member Feature Being Performed
Gav Murphy "Tom Packer's Indiegogo"
Jon "Log" Blyth "Subreddit"
Steve Hogarty "Steve Went On The Coronation Street Tour"

Script

STEVE
Right, ladies.
LOG
Oh, yeah. Misgendering the audience, unless they are actually ladies…
GAV
Some of them are.
LOG
…in which case, hello, welcome to the podcast!
STEVE
Which episode is this?
GAV
One, two, four. One, two, four, you big, fat, whore! No, no, I didn't say that.
STEVE
No. We had a good intro going there with what Log said.
GAV
Every time we get to four…
STEVE
He says… Every time we get to four, you mention whores, Gav!
GAV
You passed your driving test! Whey!
LOG
Whoa! Well done, you.
GAV
Like, it's good, because it's one of the only tests that you get the results straight away.
STEVE
Yeah, as soon as you pull into the thing, yeah.
GAV
Like, that's… there's not that many tests where you get them really like that, is there?
STEVE
Is, errm…
GAV
I can't think of any others.
LOG
And I think trials - they… they use… you get the immediate results in trials as well. That's… That's… If you fail that, you go straight to prison.
GAV
Oh, right. Yeah.
STEVE
But the jury…
GAV
No, no, no, no.
STEVE
…has to go away and adjudicate, don't they?
GAV
No, you do…
LOG
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
GAV
…you don't get sentenced though.
LOG
Ah, you're right. You're right.
STEVE
Mmmm.
LOG
Driving tests is the only situation where life gives immediate results.
STEVE
Mmmm.
GAV
Yeah.
STEVE
Err, HIV tests?
LOG
Oh, they're getting… they're getting better at that.
STEVE
It's five minutes now. They got it down to five minutes.
GAV
Is it? Oh, that's alright.
STEVE
Yeah.
LOG
And they do have a massive, oversize "Countdown" clock because, obviously, the "Countdown" clock's thirty seconds…
STEVE
Yeah.
LOG
…but they do play a five minute version of the "Countdown" song that goes through lots of different… sort of, like, …
GAV
Variants.
LOG
…voices on the Casio keyboard. It changes through to sousaphone half way through a count.
STEVE
The thing is, they do make it fun these days, don't they?
GAV
Yeah.
LOG
Err…
GAV
I remember when I, like, got a test, she was, like, "Oh, I… do you mind if I do a HIV test?" and it was "Oh, it sound like something you should probably do".
STEVE
Who was the person? Some girl that you'd taken home?
GAV
Yeah. She said… Oh, err, the nurse, sorry, said…
LOG
She said it, after you'd had sex with her?
GAV
Yeah.
STEVE
She wanted to make sure haven't got it.
GAV
In the cab, before I got the Uber! Errm, no, but she said, err, "Look, do you mind if I do this?" and I was, like, "Yeah, that's fine". Did it and then said "Oh, yeah. You're alright" and I said "Have you ever had to tell anyone that it's not alright?" and she said "Yeah, but I don't tell them. I just say there was something wrong with it and they have to come back another time but, really, I probably know"…
STEVE
Oh, shit!
GAV
…and I was, like, "No, that's not true!"
LOG
Oh, I… I definitely…
STEVE
They have to send… Do they send it off for, like, further tests?
GAV
Yes. So, like, "Oh no, the pen's broken!" In the bin. Oop, no. Just, like, places it on the bin.
STEVE
"Well, yeah, you must have loads, right?" "No, like,"…
GAV
"No".
STEVE
…"that's actually the last one".
GAV
"Yeah, what were all those different pen… different pens?" "Different bloods"…
STEVE
"Different pens".
GAV
"Different fingers, and no I can't possibly do that". But…
STEVE
"Yeah, why do you want an HIV test so much, anyway?"
GAV
Yeah! "Have you got it? You've probably got it. You probably got it".
STEVE
"Maybe you've already got it?"
GAV
"Maybe you should start preparing yourself for the fact that you got it?"
STEVE
Just…
GAV
We've also got a new live show!
STEVE
Holy Jesus!
GAV
So if you're… If you Patronise us, then you will be receiving an email very, very soon for the pre-sale, because that's one of your perks…
STEVE
Yes.
GAV
…as supporter of the podcast. You get an early email that says whether… that says where you can buy tickets early for our live shows…
STEVE
Mmmm.
GAV
…but it does really make sense for this one because it's a very, very small venue.
STEVE
Mmmm, hmmm, and we do, not being immodest (definitely am), we do sell out our shows.
GAV
Arenas.
STEVE
Yeah.
LOG
Invariably, and I think that's true of any… If we chose any sized venue, we would sell out.
GAV
Yeah.
STEVE
Err, we haven't found an upper limit to that.
LOG
Yeah.
GAV
That's a good point, actually.
STEVE
It's like we've only ever chosen very small venues.
GAV
Mmmm.
STEVE
But, I think this place, it might be allocated seating and everything.
GAV
Allocated seating?
STEVE
Yeah.
GAV
Who the fuck do we think we are?
STEVE
We want to make sure that our… our… our… our Day One's have, err…
LOG
Right up front.
STEVE
Have best access…
GAV
Yeah.
STEVE
…and they're right up front and wanting to go. Don't…
LOG
Oh, touching next to us!
STEVE
If you can choose seats, don't pick a seat at the back!
LOG
Yeah.
STEVE
Choose some seats right up the front where you can get a good old look at Gav 'cos he's quite something to behold.
GAV
But it's quite a nice venue, isn't it?
STEVE
Yeah, secret venue.
GAV
Who has… Who has played there? Some famous people?
STEVE
Errm, "The League of Gentlemen" have played there. Err, "Garth Marenghi"…
GAV
Oooh!
STEVE
…the character.
LOG
Oh, boy. I… What… I… I'm supposed to be making encouraging sounds, yeah?
STEVE
Mmmm.
GAV
You should be doing it, yeah.
LOG
Yeah, oh.
STEVE
Errm, and some other people who I've forgotten.
LOG
Halacka Padanga!
STEVE
Halacka Padanga indeed. Errm, but yeah, it's, like, it's a good… It's a proper… It's not just a room in a pub.
GAV
Yeah.
STEVE
It's like a proper theatre.
LOG
Opulent surroundings - if you want more curtains than you know what to do with…
GAV
Come see us.
LOG
Come see us.
GAV
March 28th it's going to be.
STEVE
March 28th at 7:30…
GAV
Excellent.
STEVE
…in a London venue.
GAV
Awesome.
STEVE
So…
LOG
What day is March the 28th?
STEVE
It's a Saturday.
LOG
Good on us.
STEVE
Half past seven.
GAV
Keep it free.
• JINGLE •
"Do you have any Regular Features? (Unabridged Version)"
• FEATURE •
"Tom Packer's Indiegogo"
Written and Performed by
Gav Murphy
★ Rate This Feature ★
GAV
Today, I call Tom Packer, err, which I think by the time this podcast goes out his Indiegogo will have ended, probably not at… having not been funded. Errm….
STEVE
Mmmm.
GAV
But, basically, I don't know if you saw this guy? He put up a post saying… It was titled "Help Tom to find love".
STEVE
Aww.
LOG
Oh. Alright.
STEVE
That's noble. I'll do that.
LOG
Is it too late?
GAV
Yeah, so that's what you can do, Tom. Errm, but I'll tell you all this when I go on the date with you.
• JINGLE •
"Gav's Buttocks"
• FEATURE •
"Subreddit"
Written and Performed by
Jon "Log" Blyth
★ Rate This Feature ★
LOG
Hi! I'm Theophalous P. Delaphosaurus and this is my hooberstank. Errm, so all the words I've recently heard that I'm just using as an excuse to not introduce my Feature which isn't so much of a Feature as an extended news segment. Someone out there, maybe you, has started a subreddit. Do we know who did this?
GAV
No. So what is a subreddit, Log, while I find this guy's name?
LOG
Well, if you imagine the internet is broken down into lots of little web sites, so too is Reddit. It got to the stage where it made no sense for it to be a big thing so it needed breaking down into little fudgy chunks and these are called subreddits. They have their own rules, their own member… Am I getting it right?
STEVE
Yes.
LOG
Am I using a word… I'm… I'm using my anthropological voice so it… it's a hope to disguise my ignorance and just general…
STEVE
It is…
LOG
…like I've only hang around there much.
STEVE
…It's, basically, just a forum…
LOG
Yeah.
STEVE
…where you can make a post and it get up-voted and down-voted and the best posts go to the top and the worst posts go to the bottom and they recycle, and then there's the front page which is an amalgam of all the most popular subreddits.
LOG
And now we…
GAV
I've found him.
LOG
…stand a chance of being on that front page. Oh, thank God! We can stop just talking about reddits.
STEVE
It's, basically, it's a community place where people can post and share…
GAV
Okay, cool.
STEVE
…stories and talk to each other and have fun.
GAV
People have… Yeah, people have been posting just about each episode and just comments and stuff like that, and you can all come together like the fucking nerds that you are and talk about us.
STEVE
I'm on there.
GAV
The guy who made the subreddit is called James Vokes. He's @JamesVokes on Twitter and he looks like that.
LOG
Fucking…
STEVE
He looks cool!
GAV
Yeah.
LOG
He looks cool dude.
GAV
He's wearing 3D glasses in that picture, errm…
LOG
He looks… He looks lean and masculine.
STEVE
I think the subreddit's good. You can, like, we'll post up… of… Someone will post up the episodes.
LOG
Yeah, I… I'm going to go there. I only just found out it existed today.
STEVE
Twitter's good for, like, interacting with people, but it's difficult to find things…
GAV
Yeah.
STEVE
…that people said a while ago. Pop it on the old subreddit, we'll be looking at it, and then we can, like, …
GAV
We'll post behind-the-scenes pictures, like this one that I'm going to take right now, guys. Ready?
STEVE
Log's tongue's going in my ear!
GAV
That will be on there. The same day that this podcast goes live.
STEVE
The bristles of Log's beard were touching my ear and in a way I couldn't tell whether I was really liking it…
LOG
Ah.
STEVE
…or really not.
LOG
That's…
GAV
You really liked it.
STEVE
I think I was liking it. My nipples have gone really hard.
• JINGLE •
"Regular Features "Now" version"
• FEATURE •
"Steve Went On The Coronation Street Tour"
Written and Performed by
Steve Hogarty
★ Rate This Feature ★
STEVE
And now it's time for Steve's Regular Feature, "Steve Went On The Coronation Street Tour" over Christmas. I pre… I teased this Feature a couple of episode ago.
GAV
Yeah.
STEVE
Errm, gave you some… some bits of trivia from behind the scenes of Coronation Street filming and stuff. Since then…
GAV
Ah.
LOG
Ohh.
STEVE
…Deirdre Barlow's died.
GAV
That sucks.
STEVE
Genuinely quite sad…
GAV
Yeah.
STEVE
…'cos…
GAV
She seemed nice.
STEVE
She seemed nice.
GAV
Yeah.
STEVE
She was only sixty.
GAV
That's fucked up.
STEVE
I went on a… on the Coronation Street tour, which I could do because they've moved from the old sets…
GAV
Okay.
STEVE
…at Granada Studios to Media City in Manchester…
GAV
Yeah.
STEVE
…and, errm, I mentioned this before. I'll say it again. They had to move, and it just sounds so stupid, they had to rebuild all the sets slightly bigger because they're filming in HD now and apparently that's how reality works, is…
LOG
I still don't get that.
GAV
Everything's bigger?
LOG
You said "thank you"? Fuck the thank you, woman!
STEVE
The doors open now and you see the cobble street and the snow's… fake snow is falling.
GAV
Did you have to walk down there?
STEVE
I had proper goose bumps!
GAV
Aww.
STEVE
Then you can explore Coronation Street at your… at your leisure.
GAV
For how long?
STEVE
Err, as long as you like.
GAV
You can still be there in an hour?
LOG
I suppose if more people come into that area then at least you're joining them and going "It's the…"
STEVE
Err, that's the Coronation Street tour. I probably broke some copyright laws there!
GAV
I mean, if you're planning on going… We should have said at the beginning if you're planning on going on that tour any time soon, I mean, don't… skip that feature probably, because it's gonna spoil everything about it.
STEVE
There's so much more to it than what I've shown you, so it's definitely still worth, err, still worth going.
GAV
Well, that was episode one, two, four of Regular Features. If you liked that, you could go to www.patreon.com/regularfeatures, whack some money in and support us doing all kinds of thing, like spending your money on going dates with hipster arseholes! And if you're a Patreon member look out for an email about…
LOG
Yes.
GAV
…our next live show on March 28th. If you're not a Patreon then the Monday after we'll stick it out for all you scumbos…
STEVE
Yeah.
GAV
…for you to buy tickets as well.
LOG
And, you'll be disappointed, inevitably, because we're hot tickets.
STEVE
Hot tickets, I know. And if you don't have a ticket to ride, you not allowed in. And, if you liked… If you like this podcast, why don't you go on the subreddit? reddit…
GAV
Oh, yeah.
STEVE
reddit.com
GAV
Forward slash.
STEVE
Forward slash, R, forward slash regularfeatures.
GAV
And…
LOG
No!
GAV
…they don't just give those to anybody.
LOG
Just rate and review us on iTunes while you're at it…
STEVE
Yeah.
LOG
…for fuck's sake if we… if we're doing this?
STEVE
These are all things that we need you to do.
GAV
Yeah.
STEVE
Come back next week when we'll have episode one hundred and twenty-five of…
GAV
Woo!
STEVE
…Regular Features…
GAV
Hoo!
STEVE
…coming at you, on "Tursday".
GAV
Ta ta.
JACK DUCKWORTH
I'm tired, Vera.
VERA DUCKWORTH
Well, put your paper down and come with me.
JACK DUCKWORTH
Will it be alright if I stopped here?
VERA DUCKWORTH
Look at the state of the collar! Is it too much effort to go and look in the mirror?
JACK DUCKWORTH
Are you waiting for me, my swampduck?
VERA DUCKWORTH
Course I'm waiting for you! There's a bus at twelve minutes past so come on, shift yourself.
JACK DUCKWORTH
Oh, give us half a chance.
VERA DUCKWORTH
Never mind that.
CLOSING CREDITS ROLL