Sex With 20,000 Onions

Matt solves Log's catering problems, and Log populates every Patron's sexual kiss fantasia

Episode Call Sheet

Cast Member Feature Being Performed
Matt Lees "New Trendy Restaurant Ideas"
Jon "Log" Blyth "Patreons I've Had Sex With"

Script

GAV
Hello, and welcome to Regular Features, one-two-five. Sit down there, come on in. No, that's the wrong way round. They need to come on in and sit down.
LOG
No, sit down where you are…
GAV
Sit down where you are right now.
LOG
…and crawl in.
GAV
Even if you're on the Tube, sit down.
LOG
Drag yourself in with your hands leaving a little brown chalk mark on the carpet.
STEVE
If Dolly Parton was working one-two-five, she'd be a bit lazy, wouldn't she?
LOG
Yeah.
STEVE
Wouldn't get out of bed.
GAV
Four-hour shift - that's alright.
STEVE
Yeah.
GAV
I used to do four-hour shifts at Woolworths.
STEVE
She probably did work one-to-five, didn't she?
GAV
At some point. No, no, she probably worked nine-to-five, one-to-five?
LOG
Well, maybe after lunch, yes.
GAV
Yeah.
STEVE
Oh, well. How's it going?
GAV
Good. How are you, Steve Hogarty?
STEVE
I'm… I'm not just fantastic, I'm funtastic!
LOG
Ohh, I'm mantastic!
STEVE
Oh?
LOG
I'm Jon Blyth…
GAV
Hey!
LOG
…and that's the voice I always say that in. "I'm Jon Blyth!"
STEVE
Whey!
LOG
Make… Make me say it again at any point during the podcast and I'll say it in exactly the same way.
STEVE
Oh, okay.
GAV
Okay.
STEVE
Who else is here in the room?
MATT
I'm here.
STEVE
Who are you?
MATT
I'm Matt Lees.
GAV
You sounded like you genuinely didn't know who he is, and, obviously, that's my voice, Gav Murphy. Hello!
MATT
We are Regular Features.
LOG
I'm Jon Blyth!
• JINGLE •
"Drunken Yobs 1: Even if I know it can make it"
STEVE
Matt, she's all yours!
MATT
Thanks, Steve.
LOG
Drives his Feature boat into a cliff.
MATT
And isn't she a beauty? Would somebody do me the honour of smashing a bottle of Champagne against the side of its bow?
STEVE
No.
MATT
Okay.
LOG
No.
MATT
Well, I'll… I'll just…
LOG
And now hold my ankles while I try and lick that Champagne off the side off that ship!
STEVE
Shearing your face up with all the broken shards of glass.
LOG
Oh, God, just let me go in the sea.
STEVE
I worry about that broken glass just goes into the sea.
GAV
Yeah.
MATT
Yeah.
STEVE
That's fucked.
MATT
Yeah. Bit of a disregard, boats!
STEVE
Yeah.
GAV
Yeah.
MATT
'Cos it…
GAV
It'll be a "This American Life" about that.
STEVE
Mmmm. There's a fish…
GAV
"The Secret Glass City Under The Sea"!
STEVE
Yeah.
LOG
The first have learnt to have sex with glass shards and now they're having really dangerous children.
• FEATURE •
"New Trendy Restaurant Ideas"
Written and Performed by
Matt Lees
★ Rate This Feature ★
MATT
Anyway, on from "the big drink" to "the big food"! "The baked stick"!
LOG
Yeah, I was going to say, I hope this rhymes.
MATT
No, not everything needs to rhyme.
STEVE
No.
MATT
I learnt that.
LOG
Not all of the time.
MATT
Fucking don't! I hate rhyming.
LOG
Why not? It is my want.
MATT
Nice, that didn't really…
STEVE
"Want" doesn't rhyme with "don't"?
GAV
"Want".
LOG
Well it would if you pronounced it "dont". Not my fault.
STEVE
That's how you trick stupid people…
LOG
I've got my…
STEVE
…by spelling it without the apostrophe and going "Actually, want is a word"!
LOG
So you just put "want" in a sentence where the word "won't" would be appropriate…
STEVE
Yeah.
LOG
…and… Okay.
MATT
So, I'm just going into this. This is, basically, just a pitch for you because I think that the burger market, and now we've got the sea-food market. Those things feel to me like they're just burnt out now.
LOG
Yeah.
MATT
They… They're… They're done.
LOG
Nothing that…
MATT
You've gotta get on board the new wave, right? So, this is what I'm going to pitch to you - a new restaurant in The King Billy: "Onion Fuck". Right…
LOG
Wow!
MATT
"Onion"…
LOG
I was thinking "He's building this. It's gonna be good, and I'm already excited".
MATT
Right. Well, here's… here's the pitch, right? Here's the pitch.
LOG
Mmmm hmmm.
MATT
"Onion, served hot, in a bun. One hundred percent pure onion, no fucking about. Shit off with your shallot pomp, you're in Onion Town now, you useless fuck! All onions, all the time. No garnish, no French fries, no organic reared bullshit, just onions, hot onions served in a bun. What? You don't want a whole onion in a bun? You want us to slice up your onion for you? How old are you? Do we look like your mum? Actually, I bet we do look like your mum! But that's only because your mum is a big, rugged, hairy man who doesn't give a fuck when it comes to good eating. Onion Fuck - we know our fucking onions. Hot, in a bun, no relish, no condiments, no fucking about. One hundred percent fucking onion, fucking up in your fucking grill in a number of layered and nuanced fucking ways! Eat a fucking onion, you fucking fucks! Hot! In a bun! A fucking onion! Onion Fuck!" And, err, yeah, you'll just, like…
GAV
I like your presentation.
LOG
Can you… Can you…
GAV
You've sold me.
LOG
Can you hold my glass for a minute, Gav?
• JINGLE •
"Drunken Yobs 2: Didn't make my name up"
• FEATURE •
"Patreons I've Had Sex With"
Written and Performed by
Jon "Log" Blyth
★ Rate This Feature ★
LOG
And now it's time for my Regular Feature. I do understand that re… last week, when I wasn't here, you guys, err, repeated some of your Features from the live show?
GAV
We would never do that.
STEVE
We did, and, with …
GAV
We're kidding, we are.
STEVE
…retrospective it's fucking disgraceful behaviour to repeat Features just because the recording was lost.
GAV
Yeah, it's horrible.
STEVE
I just think…
GAV
Who'd do that?
STEVE
I don't think it's a thing that anyone should do.
MATT
I think you're all pricks.
GAV
After the last one, who would do that?
LOG
Just because you did it?
STEVE
We're on the path to redemption.
GAV
Yeah.
LOG
I want to join you. I want to join you on that path to redemption. How can I do that…
GAV
Well, we'll let you know.
LOG
…unless I… Well, I…
GAV
We'll let you know how to do it.
LOG
I… I'm gonna… I need to sense your level first by wallowing in your Feature squalor…
STEVE
You're gonna walk…
LOG
…and…
STEVE
You're walking past us on the path to redemption in opposite directions!
LOG
That ring a bell with the one next to it going "Oh, guys, wait for me. Can you slow down? Stop being so cool! I need to catch up. I hate being the… the most squalid person on the podcast?"
STEVE
Are you trying to say you're going to repeat the Feature that you did at the live recording that we lost?
LOG
Well, not exactly, obviously, 'cos my Feature, unlike yours, was designed to be said to an audience.
GAV
Oh, yeah.
LOG
My feature…
GAV
How you gonna do this, 'cos it went down really well?
LOG
Errm, well it didn't. Nothing went down well at that live show, did it? We were talking to a group of people who didn't really want to be there, looking at us.
MATT
The only thing that went down well was our own estimations of our ability to loose on a podcast.
STEVE
Yes.
LOG
Yeah. Phil's and Ben's. Claire Jones - I just twiddled your nips to up my chick quota. Sorry if you totally fell for me and spent ten years wondering what you did wrong. Sorry, Claire, you just got diddled by a gay man.
STEVE
"Diddled by a gay man"!
• JINGLE •
"I was made for Regular Features"
STEVE
If you'd like to support the podcast, you can go to patreon.com/regularfeatures and give us one dollar an episode, and if you do Patreonise us, then you might get a sexy, love confession from Log as you just heard in this… If you… If you are of…
LOG
If you want to have had have sex with me, in words that I say to you, then why not Patronise us?
MATT
'Cos that's exactly the sort of thing that just might, can, will, or has happened.
STEVE
And you can also just buy your next videogame through greenmangaming.com.
LOG
And maybe you're interested in the "Majora's Mask 3D XL" which has just been announced today.
STEVE
As available, February 13th.
LOG
Yeah, get your pre-orders in.
GAV
We are the best games podcast, aren't we?
STEVE
Bizarre!
GAV
That's news! That's topical.
STEVE
Jennifer Aniston's birthday. So, if you want to buy Jennifer Aniston a birthday present, why don't you get her the "Majora's Mask", err, customised 3DS XL 3D…
MATT
I propose that she thinks it's the best Zelda.
LOG
Yeah, and she's quite up on her Zeldas. She's, errm…
MATT
I think she's right.
GAV
She knows her Zeldas.
MATT
She's got a lot going on for her.
GAV
Yeah.
MATT
If she asked me out on a date, I'd consider it.
STEVE
The way to do that is to go to greenmangaming.com/regularfeatures and that way, we'll get a little slice of that sweet cherry pie.
LOG
Oooh!
STEVE
It won't cost you anything extra and we get a little bit of the cash.
GAV
Bargain.
STEVE
Otherwise, just thanks for listening.
LOG
Yeah. That's enough. Hey, rate and review us on iTunes and just tell a friend.
GAV
Yeah.
STEVE
Yeah, 'cos we've plateaued now and…
LOG
Yeah. Basically… Basically…
STEVE
No, hang on. Cut that out. Cut that…
LOG
Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no. We're okay.
GAV
Yeah, we were…
LOG
We're okay.
GAV
…We were good until then and we…
MATT
You know what…
STEVE
Shitting…
LOG
You needed to… You need us more than we need you.
GAV
No, no, no. That's too much now.
LOG
Oh, shit!
GAV
And now they think they might just want us to end it.
MATT
Just cut it off.
STEVE
Right.
LOG
End it! End it!
MATT
Bye.
STEVE
Bye.
LOG
Shit.
• JINGLE •
"I Like A Regular Feature (Mexican Style)"
GAV
Well, that's the end of that then.
STEVE
[BELCH]
MATT
Ohhhh!
LOG
Ohhhh! That hit me square in the face, Steve.
MATT
Ohhhh!
LOG
Noise impact…
STEVE
Sorry.
LOG
…Velocity spittle.
STEVE
You do realise…
LOG
That had it all.
CLOSING CREDITS ROLL