The Big Book of Liver and Chianti

Don't stop til you get enough, sang Michael Jackson. Enough is enough, sang Barbra Streisand. The world is not enough, sang Shirley Manson out of the band Garbage. Enough is as good as a feast, is a thing your mum might say. Un oeuf is French for "a egg". The point I'm trying to make is that it's episode 126 of Regular Features and nothing you can say or do will ever change that. Log doles out gifts, Matt sets Gav up on simul-dates and Steve does that thing where you repeat the same joke over and over again until it stops being funny and then becomes funny again. Aw yeah, eat it up, here's a fork.

Episode Call Sheet

Cast Member Feature Being Performed
Matt Lees "Amazing Egg Fact"
Steve Hogarty "Was It A Real Thing From Silence Of The Lambs?"
Jon "Log" Blyth "Do You Want Something From My House?"

Script

LOG
Matt Lees shits his pants.
MATT
I don't shit my pants! Hello, and welcome to Regular Features. Errm, this week it's me and Steve and Log and I don't shit my pants!
LOG
I'm Log!
STEVE
And I'm Steve.
LOG
And me and Steve are the only ones in this room who current aren't shitting their pants.
MATT
I am not!
STEVE
I can prove it!
MATT
I am not!
LOG
I… I can prove it by pressing my un-separating anus to the microphone.
MATT
Fair enough.
LOG
Dry as a bone!
MATT
Right, fair enough. That's impeccable.
STEVE
Dry as a brown bone.
LOG
Don't you… Brown! Don't peck my brown bone.
MATT
But my anus is impeccable as well. I'm just not going to…
LOG
Oh…
STEVE
Oh, the lady doth protest too much!
LOG
Oooh, here she comes! Here she comes! Little bob todds dripping from her butt butt. Ohhh!
STEVE
Guys, I've missed you!
LOG
What episode number is it?
STEVE
It's episode one hundred and twenty six…
LOG
Hola.
STEVE
…of Regular Features.
LOG
Hullabaloo.
STEVE
Matt, I can't help but notice, that your fly is open.
MATT
Is it? Sorry, that would have been when I was thinking about…
LOG
Guys! I deliberately came back from the toilet with my fly open hoping you'd notice!
MATT
Oh!
STEVE
And I noticed Matt's fly was open instead of yours!
LOG
This is…
MATT
Now it means that you're the only person whose got your fly closed which makes you look a bit weird, Stephen.
STEVE
Yeah, well I've got a button fly.
MATT
Well…
LOG
Hang on, that's makes me the only person that doesn't have a unique Feature!
STEVE
Oh, shit!
LOG
Paradoxical statement!
MATT
Ohhh.
LOG
Ohhh.
MATT
So… so much has been happening since all of the stuff that happened before my flies were open.
STEVE
Mmmm.
MATT
Err, obviously, Gav tried to proposition a man…
STEVE
Yes.
MATT
…and there was a charity and it's all gone bloody Pete Tong.
STEVE
Yeah. Let's have a jingle and let's explain the murky, murky waters…
MATT
Dark shit.
STEVE
…that we have been treading.
• JINGLE •
"Jingle, Jingle, Jingle, Jingle, Jingle, Jingle"
MATT
So, yes, as I come here… come to you, err, with nothing in my palms, sans Features, like the Jesus of the podcast realm that I am.
LOG
Empty handed like the most… the black belt of Karate.
STEVE
Yes. Mmmm.
MATT
Asking for nothing but…
STEVE
Bearing…
MATT
…forgiveness.
STEVE
Bearing shrifts.
MATT
Shrifts?
LOG
Shrifts?
STEVE
Short shrifts.
MATT
Shrifts!
LOG
You don't bear… You don't bear short shrifts, you are given short shrifts…
STEVE
Okay.
LOG
…by a…
STEVE
I don't know what a "shrift" is. I know they come in "long" and "short".
LOG
I've… I've never heard of a "long shrift"?
MATT
Maybe…
STEVE
They're always giving you long shrifts, Log!
LOG
No, you're cutting me some slack when you're cutting me a slack shrift, so that's the shortening of that phrase. I don't know.
MATT
A "short shrift", "medium shrift" and "family shrift"…
STEVE
Families at fun-sized shrifts?
LOG
Grab… A grab-bag of shrifts.
STEVE
A grab-bag of fun shrifts.
MATT
Oh, but it's a sad tale. Basically, obviously, as you vaguely know, err, Gav tried to proposition a man on the internet. It got sticky. Errm, he was doing it for… for ch… Well, it wasn't charity at the time.
LOG
No, hang on.
STEVE
Well, as he go the full…
LOG
No, no. Let's not…
STEVE
…the full recap.
MATT
I've realised now that…
LOG
Leave charity out at this stage 'cos at the… at the time when it happened it was simply to…
MATT
Simply a sexual thing.
LOG
Let's… Let's… Let's get a sexy vice.
STEVE
Fully recap - let's go back to episode one-two-four.
LOG
I can't keep rewinding. I've got limit… I've got limited undos, Steve!
STEVE
You're back at the end of your CTRL+Z history!
MATT
Alright, so from listening to the last podcast, you know that Gavin…
STEVE
Pre… Previous to that…
MATT
Previous to? Jesus!
STEVE
One-two-four.
MATT
How far does this rabbit hole go? Alright, two episodes ago…
STEVE
Let me explain who this man is. There's a man…
MATT
Does it matter? It was Gavin in the wrong!
STEVE
There's a man called Tom on the internet who launched an Indiegogo to raise money to fund him going on dates.
MATT
It's what I said!
LOG
It… It… It feels bullshit.
STEVE
That's not what you said!
MATT
It's exactly what I said.
STEVE
It's almost what you said.
LOG
Honestly, it feels good to give the readers the first clue as to what the fuck we're talking about. Couple of minutes in, but oh God, the relief!
MATT
Yeah.
STEVE
This… This man was wi… widely ridiculed by the internet for being a fucking arsehole for having the audacity to think that we should pay for him to go on dates. Not only that, he had a stupid beard…
LOG
Oh, my God.
STEVE
…and he looked like a hipster.
LOG
His beard looked like… He had my beard and Gav's tat's and, to my mind, that is a fucking… that combination makes you an irredeemable prick!
MATT
Never the tween must meet!
LOG
It's just, like, Me and Gav are the separation of church and state. Together? Those two things should always be kept apart.
MATT
It's just wrong.
STEVE
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
MATT
It's just wrong.
LOG
In a sub-optimal relationship!
MATT
No such thing as true love! What I thought we could do is… We could do, before the next live show, errm, so if you are going to the live show…
STEVE
Mmmm hmmm.
MATT
…do get in touch. I thought what we could do is we could have another charity thing, so if you're willing to be a part of this…
LOG
Oh, charity!
MATT
…then, what I will say is if you give us a tenner, right, then you can as part of a thirteen person date with Gav, where Gav will buy you a drink (I'll pay for the drinks, just so Gav doesn't go "What the fuck!") He… Gav will meet you and you will sit and have a date for an hour with thirteen other people and Gav and… and then, afterwards, we will somehow use that, or I will somehow use that as part of, err, the live show.
LOG
Wow!
MATT
So, it will be a…
STEVE
That sounds like a marvellous idea.
LOG
It sounds… sounds exciting and light on detail in a way that I find thrilling.
MATT
It is.
LOG
It's like a… It's like a video game first peek.
STEVE
Mmmm.
MATT
There's more to it than meets the eye, but it's all up here. I'm motioning to my head. I'm motioning to my head. So, yeah, if you'd be interested in that then… then drop us a line. We've only got thirteen slots for this thirteen-on-one-date thing…
STEVE
Yeah.
MATT
…Gav has very little idea about, so…
LOG
And he certainly has no say in whether he does it or not.
MATT
No, no. He has absolutely no say because it's for charity and as soon as something's for charity it's inherently infallible.
• JINGLE •
"I was made for Regular Features"
LOG
Hello.
• FEATURE •
"Amazing Egg Fact"
Written and Performed by
Matt Lees
★ Rate This Feature ★
MATT
I've got… I've got an amazing fact.
STEVE
Mmmm.
LOG
What's your amazing fact, Matt?
MATT
I have got an amazing fact. Did you know, and this is true, I read it in the news…
LOG
Mmmm hmmm?
MATT
They've found a way to undo the egg.
STEVE
I've read about this!
MATT
The under… the world egg. Basically, they've used science to do something which science had previously stated "this is impossible".
• JINGLE •
"Best Friends"
• FEATURE •
"Was It A Real Thing From Silence Of The Lambs?"
Written and Performed by
Steve Hogarty
★ Rate This Feature ★
STEVE
And now it's time for Steve's Regular Feature…
MATT
Rakeular? Are you selling rakes now, Stephen? Is this what you… part of your new racket? And… And Log's selling Ketamine at his pub, now the rules are gone!
LOG
I'm just doing background machinery noise to make it sound like we've just changed location.
MATT
Oh, I see.
STEVE
"Steve's"…
LOG
Reg…
STEVE
What was it? Was a real thing…
LOG
Or?
STEVE
…that was from "Silence of the Lambs" or was it just something I'm saying now?
MATT
What?
STEVE
Errm, my Feature title is clear.
MATT
Oh, right. That's the title, is it?
STEVE
I will not repeat it for you.
MATT
Fine. That's the title of your Feature. I was just, like, "Was that a sentence?", but it was a sentence.
LOG
Can you say that sentence again in the same way, word-for-word?
STEVE
No, I will not. I'm bored with saying the sentence. I'm not going to say it again!
LOG
"I will not repeat myself"!
STEVE
I will not repeating myself to you.
MATT
Something to…
STEVE
Least of all, to you!
LOG
Oh, God!
MATT
Something to do with "Silence of the Lambs"?
STEVE
Yeah. No, because someone said in a recent podcast… in… in a response to a recent episode that I did a good sound effect. I don't want either of you to say what it is.
LOG
Oh, God!
STEVE
And it's, like, they were "Oh, so you…" That's…
MATT
Oh, who? Yeah…
LOG
You did a good…
STEVE
Shhhh! Shut up! Don't do it.
LOG
Sorry.
STEVE
It's part of my Feature.
LOG
Oh, God.
STEVE
Errm, so I thought I'd do a quiz…
LOG
Yes?
STEVE
…in which can you identify what was the real line from "Silence of the Lambs"…
LOG
Mmmm hmmm.
STEVE
…and what was it? The one that what I just made up today.
MATT
Mmmm.
LOG
Mmmm.
MATT
Mmmm.
STEVE
Yeah?
MATT
Well, this will be interesting, because I've never seen "Silence of the Lambs".
• JINGLE •
"The Mines of Moria"
• FEATURE •
"Do You Want Something From My House?"
Written and Performed by
Jon "Log" Blyth
★ Rate This Feature ★
LOG
And now it's time for my Regular Feature, "Do You Want Something From My House?", 'cos it's not there and we're moving out. I moved out seven months ago but now Stuart's moving out and I've got to fucking put everything in boxes and, like, in the absence of a better Feature, why don't I just give you shit from my house because that kind of Feature seemed to fly around Christmas…
MATT
Oh, yeah!
LOG
…when you just gave me things.
MATT
It's… Why… Why let Christmas just be restricted to Christmas?
LOG
Yeah.
STEVE
Yeah.
MATT
Yeah?
LOG
It should be at other times of the year, like, when you've got no Feature and you just wanna give some shit that's in your house.
MATT
When you quickly need to dispose of lots of goods!
LOG
Yes. I'm… I… I did go around my house and try to find things that were interesting, but turns out most of that's already in boxes so you've got… you've got slim pickings, I will say.
STEVE
Hunky-dory!
LOG
So, I've got a big bag, a laundry looking bag, and I want one of you to put your rummaging hands in my big bag.
MATT
That is wonderfully dinky laundry bag. I love it.
LOG
It's so big, and it's crinkly too!
MATT
Okay. I'm gonna go… I'm gonna reach into the…
LOG
Ohh!
MATT
…the side of the bag.
LOG
Oh, my… Ohhh!
MATT
Just…
LOG
Everything's attached via string to my nut bag!
MATT
Hold still! I'll try to vibrate it gently as I pull. Oh my!
LOG
Battlestar Galactica - that's not very interesting. Steve, it's your turn!
STEVE
Okay.
LOG
Why don't you have…
MATT
Battlestar Galactica on DV… I like Battlestar Galactica!
LOG
Everyone talks about… Ev… It… It's talked about. You… I no want to.. I no more want to start a conversation about Battlestar Galactica than I would want to talk about "Wasn't Breaking Bad good?"
STEVE
Mmmm.
MATT
Oh, no, hang on. It's the original Battlestar Galactica, not the remake.
LOG
That's what I'm trying to gloss over! It's a terrible thing!
MATT
It's bloody shit!
STEVE
Log, do you want "The Big Book of Penises" back?
LOG
No, I want you to tweet me a picture from it every week.
• JINGLE •
"Drunken Yobs 2: Didn't make my name up"
MATT
Well…
LOG
I've enjoyed today.
MATT
Yeah, we've had fun. We've had fun. We've had seasons in the sun.
STEVE
We've all learnt…
LOG
Fun! That's the actual lyrics.
STEVE
…We've all grown and…
MATT
You've grown.
STEVE
I've grown 'cos I've been looking at the penis book.
MATT
Yep, it's an erection joke.
STEVE
Mmmm.
LOG
I've… I'll never see those penises again.
STEVE
You can… You can come by and see them any time you like.
LOG
I'm just going… I just need to take them to the local library and photocopy all the dicks.
MATT
Aww. Well, yeah, errm, if you've got tickets to a live a show… We're doing a live show soon.
STEVE
Yeah.
MATT
Are the tickets up? Do we know what's going on?
STEVE
We wanna make sure the Patreons know about it first, err, and I think by now, we should have sent those emails out.
MATT
Mmmm hmmm.
STEVE
If we haven't…
MATT
Excellent.
STEVE
…well, we've fucked up again, haven't we?
MATT
We fucked up.
LOG
Ah, whatev'.
MATT
Yeah, if we've fucked up, then we've fucked up.
LOG
Part of the charm.
STEVE
Yeah.
MATT
C'est la vie.
STEVE
But, err, that is on March 28th, Saturday, March 28th…
MATT
Mmmm hmmm.
STEVE
…at half past seven at The Canal Café Theatre…
MATT
Mmmm hmmm.
STEVE
…in London.
MATT
And it will be a ticketed event, so…
STEVE
Be a ticketed event and… Oh, oh, fuck! Like, legally, I have to say something.
LOG
What do you have to say, Steve?
STEVE
I legally have to say…
MATT
"I'm lame!"
STEVE
…booking… No!
MATT
No, Steve.
STEVE
No!
MATT
Did you legally have to say that?
STEVE
That was Matt! Matt said that! I legally have to say booking fees may apply and there is a one pound fifty charge for membership.
LOG
What?
MATT
What, you have to become a membership?
LOG
Do you have to become a member?
STEVE
Well, yeah. When you… When you… Yeah, your first visit you have to pay one pound fifty to become a member and, after that, it's free. You are supporting the arts! Come on!
LOG
Okay.
STEVE
And the… I personally accounted for that in the ticket price.
LOG
Well, in that case, I'm going to bring a couple of bottles of vodka and just pour it into everyone's mouths during the interlude.
STEVE
We can make it worth your while.
LOG
Yeah.
STEVE
Not sex-wise.
LOG
Oh, my God. I think it's obvious that I will have sex with any one of our readers.
MATT
And you may… One of you thirteen people may get lucky with Gav in that hot hour.
STEVE
Yes.
MATT
Errm, but… Yeah, so if you are interested in that… I think, for that, it will be a different charity thing and I'm going to give away all the money to a charity of my choice because I'm a dick and I have no right to do that because it's basically Gavin.
STEVE
It's fine.
LOG
Do it!
STEVE
If you engineer a… a thirteen way date with Gav, that money belongs to you to do with what you will.
MATT
I guarantee it will be exciting.
LOG
I'm sure you've got some charities at the top of your brain at the moment.
MATT
Yeah, I do indeed.
LOG
And I don't… I have no argument with that being given.
STEVE
I think I can say the… the best way to find out more about our live show now… Can we start pimping the Subreddit as a thing that people can go to look…
LOG
Yeah, do it.
MATT
Yeah.
STEVE
…to look at? So, go on… go on the subreddit. I don't know how the best way to find it? reddit.com forward slash R…
LOG
Slash R, slash regularfeatures.
STEVE
…regularfeatures and we'll have details of the live show on there. If you'd like to support the podcast, you can go to patreon.com forward slash regularfeatures and you can give as much as you like per episode.
LOG
Or as little!
STEVE
Or as little.
LOG
Mmmm.
MATT
Oh.
LOG
You tight shit-hole!
MATT
You got that right.
STEVE
"As much" would be better.
MATT
"As much joy as it brings you in monetary value". How do you work that one out? I don't fucking know.
LOG
It's a multiplier, and all I know is that more you increase the amount you give, the joy is going to larger.
STEVE
Mmmm.
MATT
Yeah, and you'll go to Heaven. It's a… There's a… Part of it is to do with going to Heaven, I'm sure.
LOG
Mmmm.
STEVE
Yeah. Regular Features Heaven.
MATT
Yes, which is better than Heaven, because there's more sex.
STEVE
And what can you do in Heaven? Play video games!
LOG
Yeah, and the…
STEVE
And how…
LOG
…And your… And your favourite member of the podcast gets to be God.
STEVE
How… If you like playing video games then why don't you go to greenmangaming.com forward slash regularfeatures to buy your next video game. Err, that way we get a small cut of the proceeds from those guys.
LOG
Awww, …
STEVE
There's…
LOG
…there's no end of ways to help us. You can also just rate and review us on iTunes 'cos that makes us more prominent there.
MATT
It does…
STEVE
It… It does.
MATT
…like a big dick.
LOG
And we need that. We need prominence.
STEVE
We genuinely do 'cos we… err… we dropped off the top three hundred best podcasts in the UK…
LOG
Yes.
STEVE
…and then we're back on it now, obviously, …
LOG
Thanks.
STEVE
…but that's only thanks to you and your ratings and reviews, so…
LOG
So, if you're one of the people who didn't rate and review us last week to that plea, know that it does make a difference - go and rate and review us, for fuck's sake!
MATT
Yeah.
STEVE
Not only that…
MATT
Get some… Get some family members, put them under duress.
STEVE
Yeah.
LOG
Yeah, they've all got those Apple accounts.
MATT
Sit them down, get a weapon, force them, force them to do it.
STEVE
We'll be back next week and we love you.
MATT
We do.
LOG
Episode one-two-seven - the last episode that will be all ones in binary for fucking God-knows how long!
MATT
Ohh, fuck!
STEVE
And it sounds like a prime number.
LOG
Ohhhhhh.
STEVE
Is it a prime number?
LOG
It's not if it's divisible by two or three, I know that much.
MATT
Ohhh.
STEVE
Log, ask your, err, ask your watch.
MATT
Do it. Ohhh, you geeks.
LOG
Okay Google, is one hundred and twenty seven a prime number? "127 is a Chen prime".
STEVE
Yes!
LOG
Come on!
STEVE
Fuck it! See you next week, guys. Bye!
MATT
Bye!
STEVE
What the fuck is a Chen prime?
LOG
I don't know.
• JINGLE •
"Working on the Features"
STEVE
Okay.
LOG
So, we're not… we're not doing too badly for time.
MATT
We're not doing too badly at all.
STEVE
That's alright. That was a good… That's…
MATT
That was a good non-Feature.
STEVE
That seemed like a good little…
LOG
I enjoyed… I enjoyed our interactions on it.
MATT
It was just fun.
STEVE
Mmmm.
MATT
It was just fun. It's a… It's a hearty reminder that, actually, when it's all good, doesn't matter if you haven't anything to talk about because we will fucking bang it out.
STEVE
Oh yeah, I feel like we're all on form. We're in a good mood.
MATT
Yeah.
LOG
Yeah, we did loads of little distractions.
STEVE
Don't break the spell by talking about… to it. Oh, we've broken it! Oh, shit!
CLOSING CREDITS ROLL