The Festive 2011 Spectacular

14: The Festive 2011 Spectacular by Regular Features

Episode Call Sheet

Cast Member Feature Being Performed
Steve Hogarty "Steve's Christmas Charades"
Jon "Log" Blyth "Bespoke Sexy Books Where You Are The Hero"
Matt Lees "Christmas Crackers"
Gav Murphy "The Queen's Speech"

Script

STEVE
Hello, and welcome to the Christmas episode of Regular Features, the show that's the same every week.
MATT
Except this week…
LOG
Except this week when it's Festiva?
MATT
Yeah, it's slightly more festive.
GAV
More festiver?
LOG
I think we're all waiting to leap in and say "Except this week when it's Christmas!"
STEVE
Christmas!
MATT
Oh, I do love it when it's Christmas.
LOG
Ooh, me too!
GAV
Let's do… Let's do a Christmas podcast every week!
LOG
I wish it could be a Christmas podcast every week. Unfortunately, it can never be that way 'cos…
MATT
And there really isn't that much to talk about Christmas.
GAV
Yeah. Also, let's not… let's not get ahead of ourselves. Let's see how this one goes first!
LOG
Yeah, I just didn't say a sentence.
STEVE
Should we whip our metaphorical dicks out…
MATT
Absolutely!
STEVE
…and do a podcast? My name is Steve Hogarty and I shat on Daniel Craig's face today.
• JINGLE •
"Band Aid"
• FEATURE •
"Steve's Christmas Charades"
Written and Performed by
Steve Hogarty
★ Rate This Feature ★
STEVE
Merry Christmas, and it's time for my Regular Feature…
LOG
I'd like to draw you up on this, because I've been listening to some old podcasts and I think you've… you're getting your catchphrase mixed up, 'cos sometimes you say "and it's time for my Regular Feature" and sometimes you're saying "now it's time for Steve's Regular Feature".
MATT
Mmmm.
LOG
Steve's thing.
GAV
Yeah.
LOG
I'm not asking you to…
GAV
Pick one mate, for fuck's sake.
LOG
Yeah.
STEVE
I'm not…
LOG
I'm not asking the world!
GAV
Jesus!
STEVE
Well, what would you prefer?
LOG
I like it when you repeat Steve because it's a comical repetition.
STEVE
Okay, okay. Merry Christmas, and now it's time for Steve's Regular Feature, "Steve's Christmas Charades".
• JINGLE •
"Instrumental - Synthesizer 2"
• FEATURE •
"Bespoke Sexy Books Where You Are The Hero"
Written and Performed by
Jon "Log" Blyth
★ Rate This Feature ★
LOG
Now, this Feature might feel familiar to two of you, because I did it last week.
GAV
Mmmm.
LOG
But you, the reader, won't know that…
MATT
You should probably… You can't…
LOG
…because Gav did a thing! What did you do, Gav?
GAV
I honestly don't know!
• JINGLE •
"Jingle Bells"
• FEATURE •
"Christmas Crackers"
Written and Performed by
Matt Lees
★ Rate This Feature ★
MATT
Oh, well, I'm real… I'm really enjoying our… our Regular Features Christmas Christmas party, errm, and, err, obviously we've all got some crackers, yeah?
• JINGLE •
"Titty Bum"
• FEATURE •
"The Queen's Speech"
Written and Performed by
Gav Murphy
★ Rate This Feature ★
GAV
Now it's time for my Regular Feature. Errm, it's funny you should say about you having a bum with, err, somebody who writes for Bruce Forsyth…
LOG
Yeah, yeah, wicked.
GAV
…'cos I was recently having a bum with someone who writes, err, the Queen's speech.
MATT
I didn't know you were doing bumming these days?
GAV
Yeah.
LOG
Hello.
MATT
You just turned into it recently, or what?
STEVE
I love that.
MATT
We should probably sing everyone a Christmas song.
• JINGLE •
"Oh, Christmas"
CLOSING CREDITS ROLL