Catchphrase Chat-up Coffee

4: Catchphrase Chat-up Coffee by Regular Features

Episode Call Sheet

Cast Member Feature Being Performed
Jon "Log" Blyth "Catchphrases, And The Having Of Them"
Matt Lees "Sexy Chat-Up Lines"
Steve Hogarty "Steve's Things Where He Didn't Know Where They Come From"

Script

LOG
Welcome to Regular Features, the show that is the same every week.
MATT
I'm Matt Lees, and I'm finding an increasing affinity with gin.
STEVE
And I'm Steve, and my passport expires in 2012 - I'm beginning to get a little bit nervous about it.
LOG
My name's Log, and my shoe size is 11, but it's increasing hard for me to find shoes that fit. I think they're spreading out a bit.
MATT
Yeah.
STEVE
Sometimes, you go into a shop, and you go "I'll have an 11" and it's too small and you end up with a 12.
LOG
I've actually got to the stage where 13's….
MATT
I'm… I've been 10½ since as long as I can remember but I just do 10's and kind of.
LOG
Are your feet different sizes 'cos that's interesting?
MATT
I don't really know.
LOG
That's the most interesting things feet can be, so let's move on.
MATT
Okay, well let's start with our first, err, Regular Feature which is, I do… Log, you're up first.
• FEATURE •
"Catchphrases, And The Having Of Them"
Written and Performed by
Jon "Log" Blyth
★ Rate This Feature ★
LOG
Yes. My feature this week is called "Catchphrases, and the having of them" because one thing I've noticed about this show, this…
MATT
Radio show!
LOG
…radio show, is that we haven't got any catchphrases, and it's kind of one of the primary rules of comedy that you do say things again and again - it's familiar.
MATT
Yeah, well that's what Michael McIntyre does on the telly, isn't it?
LOG
No! You can't be anti-McIntyre.
MATT
I'm not. I'm just… I love…
LOG
He's… He's a legend! He'll come down on you like a tonne of bricks.
MATT
I love his catchphrases, like when he…
LOG
Like a tonne of pricks! He'll land on you till come tumbling over your face, like a metric tonne of penises.
MATT
I like his catchphrase when he says, "Have you ever noticed…" you know?
LOG
And…
MATT
And then he… And then he says…
LOG
What kind of things does he notice, because I've not watched a Michael McIntyre show.
MATT
He notices things like, err, light switches are always kind of beige or something like that. I don't really… I haven't seen it in a while.
LOG
Light switches! They're never in the position you want them, are they?
MATT
No! And you can never find them when it's dark!
STEVE
'Cos, errm…
MATT
Why can you never find a light switch when it's dark?
STEVE
One of the light switches…
MATT
Actually, I entirely made that up, but I reckon he'll steal that.
LOG
That'll work.
MATT
That'll work.
STEVE
Sorry, no. My point's just been steam-rolled. I'm not going to continue with it.
LOG
Come on, spit it out Steve.
STEVE
No, it's fine.
MATT
What do you mean, steam-rolled?
STEVE
Well, it's just you spoke over me.
MATT
Well no, I didn't speak over you, I continued speaking.
STEVE
I was going to say…
LOG
Steve, what you need is a catchphrase!
MATT
Yeah.
LOG
That'll stop people talking over you.
STEVE
JESUS! I was about to say it that time!
LOG
Yes, brilliant.
STEVE
But didn't you say?
LOG
Come on, spit it out Steve!
STEVE
One of the light switches is the wrong way in my flat. You press it down and it turns it off. It's supposed to be pressing it down and it turns it on.
LOG
Is it one of those light switches that…
STEVE
It's the one for the utility room.
LOG
Oh right, okay, it's not the staircase one because they're…
STEVE
They're timed.
LOG
Yeah. Oh no. Really?
STEVE
Well, the one in my flat… You push a button in and it makes a clicking noise…
MATT
God, this is…
STEVE
…and after… after five minutes it turns off.
LOG
Can we start talking about shoes again?
MATT
This is really boring! This is really boring!
STEVE
Don't fucking deride my… It's only…
LOG
Sorry, we're doing it again Steve!
STEVE
Jesus Christ! Someone… Someone said that we're really good at not talking over our… each other on this podcast…
MATT
Well…
STEVE
But, I think I'm… Shut up Matt!
MATT
I'm waiting! I'm waiting until you're finished.
STEVE
Go on.
MATT
I'd just like to say that I thought I was brilliant at not talking over anyone last week. I was really polite about it.
LOG
That… We don't know how to respond to that at all.
STEVE
It was a joke, because you weren't here.
MATT
You spoiled it.
LOG
Ah, that's it. That's how I should have responded.
STEVE
So, Log.
LOG
Anyway, so this catchphrase game…
MATT
Right.
LOG
…is a competition.
MATT
Right.
LOG
It's very much Steve against Matt. Eight catchphrases in the middle of the table.
MATT
Okay.
LOG
You only have to have one each. Pick one up.
MATT
Right.
LOG
Read it out, and you can say "That's my catchphrase!" or you can move on and say "I'd rather have a… a different one that might be better or might involve you saying a load of shit.
STEVE
Okay, I'm…
MATT
Okay.
STEVE
I'm… I'm going… I'm going to go to…
MATT
And what happens when they run out?
LOG
When they run out, you're stuck with your catchphrase.
MATT
Alright, I see, so it's like a… It's almost like gambling.
LOG
Yeah, the last catchphrase, I'll have.
STEVE
Okay, and err… Do I read out my catchphrase and decide whether or not I want to keep it?
LOG
Read it out, yep, in a voice as well 'cos catchphrases are funny in an accent.
STEVE
Okay. "Well, that's queered the deal guys!"
LOG
Oh yes.
MATT
Ooh, so it's sealed the deal but with a… a different…
STEVE
Queered the deal?
LOG
Queered the deal is a known phrase.
MATT
Errm…
STEVE
I find…
LOG
But I think you have to say that on a really gay voice though Steve 'cos that would a… that would add a deliciousness…
MATT
Yeah.
LOG
…to the word queer.
STEVE
But see it's the word queer that I take offence to and…
LOG
Why?
STEVE
…for that… I think I'm going to ditch this catchphrase and take another.
MATT
Okay, well my first one is "I don't know about you guys…"
LOG
You prissy faggot.
MATT
Oh, you…
LOG
Sorry.
MATT
I thought you'd been over this with Steve.
LOG
Sorry, sorry.
MATT
Right, "I don't know about you guys, but I could really suck a fat dick about now!"
LOG
Are you taking the piss out of him?
STEVE
That's my catchphrase!
LOG
Oh, it's a catch… That's one of the catchphrases.
MATT
That's my catchphrase. I think, for reasons I'm not going to go into, I reckon I'm gonna ditch that one as well and get another one.
LOG
Don't you think you could just work that into a conversation?
MATT
Errm…
LOG
Say, me and you, Steve. Let's have a little, average conversation. You have to just burst in and say…
STEVE
Okay.
MATT
Okay. Okay, yeah. Go for it.
LOG
Steve, so how about… how about it?
STEVE
Err, it's pretty good. It fits well.
MATT
I don't know about you guys, but I could really suck a fat dick about now!
STEVE
That's so natural…
MATT
Yeah.
STEVE
…coming from your mouth.
MATT
Well, I… Yeah, errm…
LOG
You want, no…
MATT
There's a big pile…
STEVE
Yeah.
MATT
…there's a big pile of opportunity ahead of me.
LOG
Okay, so Steve, there's your next one.
STEVE
Okay. "I fucked the stuffing out of her, she can't even move!" What is that?
LOG
That… that one does kind of…
MATT
What is that again?
LOG
…rely on you being… having… having someone asking you about having sex with a woman.
STEVE
Yeah, that doesn't come up very often.
MATT
Alright, let's try that.
STEVE
Bruce Forsyth doesn't get that asked very often.
LOG
But if he did, he'd say "I… I fucked the stuffing out of her. She can barely move!"
MATT
And they double taped the camera, going, like… and that'd be great. I'd watch that.
STEVE
Matt, you can't just double tape something up.
MATT
I… I think we all realised that.
LOG
I think the charming thing about that catchphrase is it should be used in a toy box full of stuffed toys.
STEVE
Yes, 'cos that makes it innocent.
MATT
Yes, that makes…
STEVE
When… when you're just fucking a stuffed toy…
MATT
That's fine, there's nothing wrong about that.
LOG
Until she's just an empty sack of nothing.
STEVE
She's just flapping skin effectively…
LOG
She's just a square of fabric…
STEVE
and damp fabric!
LOG
…covered in toy spunk.
MATT
And that's why I've always found the bear factory a very frightening shop, and that's a true story.
LOG
Is that your catchphrase?
MATT
No. No.
STEVE
Oh, it sounded like a catchphrase.
MATT
I wish it was, errm…
LOG
Actually, this isn't one of them but "Oh, I know a club like that!" is a good catchphrase.
MATT
Ahh!
STEVE
Yeah.
MATT
Here's… Here's my… The next one. "Guys, it's a colostomy bag, not a piñata. Hit it with a stick all you like, shit ain't coming out!"
LOG
The actual catchphrase is "candy ain't coming out".
MATT
But you ripped the paper and there's… the word's not there so I had to improvise!
STEVE
Oh.
MATT
I thought I did quite a good job, but I didn't. I realise there's a… the wrong word.
STEVE
Yeah, no, 'cos shit is exactly what would come out.
MATT
Yes.
LOG
Well…
MATT
But no, but… I'll do it again. I'll do it again, but…
LOG
Do it again.
MATT
But this is what happens when you don't use scissors, Log.
LOG
Yeah, sorry.
MATT
You see what I mean?
LOG
Sorry. I… To make up… to make up for the lack of surprise I'd like you to do it with double the effort.
MATT
Okay, okay. "Guys, it's a colostomy bag, not a piñata. Hit it with sticks all you like, candy ain't coming out!"
STEVE
Good.
LOG
And that is the last line of very "Scooby-Doo".
MATT
Yeah. I thought I heard something from "Friends". I'm going to drop that one as well because, errm, without that… that word that's been ripped out I'm not going to remember it and also I don't see how it would come up in… in regular conversation?
LOG
I think maybe we would need more of a sculpted plot…
MATT
Well, you'd need it in… Yeah.
LOG
…to guide it around to the situation where people are hitting your colostomy bag with sticks.
MATT
Yeah. My feature isn't about colostomy bags or piñatas, so I think I'm… That's not… From a competitive stance purely, I'm not… I'm gonna leave it.
LOG
This feature's failing. Steve, rescue it!
STEVE
Oh, no. I think what's going to happen is, all of your catchphrases are so obnoxious that we're going to keep on skipping 'til we're left with the ones at bottom of the pile. So, I'm… I'm going to take this, regardless of what it is.
LOG
Okay.
MATT
Alright, you've got a good one, eh?
LOG
Nice.
STEVE
It is simply "Woof it up, ladies!"
LOG
Okay.
STEVE
That is so inoffensive. I think it's probably the most inoffensive thing in the pile.
MATT
You know what though? Out of all of the catchphrases we've had so far, that one just fits you like a glove. I think you should actually adopt it in… on a daily basis. "Woof it up, ladies!"
STEVE
It… It feels defensive, like a bunch of women are laughing at me, and I say "Well, just woof it up, ladies!"
MATT
No, no, no.
LOG
Oh, yeah, yeah. That's… I was thinking more of a kind of "Woof it up, ladies!"
MATT
Yeah.
LOG
Like "Enjoy yourselves!"
STEVE
"Hello, woof…"
LOG
"Let your hair down!"
STEVE
Ah, yeah.
LOG
"It's… It's a girl's night out!"
STEVE
Like, woof me up?
MATT
Oh, I dunno.
LOG
I don't know what you think woofing up means, Steve.
MATT
It's disgusting. Alright, well, let's try and find me one. Errm…
STEVE
Matt, you have to take this one.
MATT
Do I?
STEVE
That's the rule I've just invented.
MATT
I tell you what, there's three more. Errm, alright. Errm…
LOG
Well, I'm taking this one. I'm gonna be…
MATT
Okay, okay, well I'll have this one then. This one's quite easy as well. "That's totally anal!"
LOG
I do have a preoccupation with anal shit and tits and…"
MATT
I can't imagine why. Can I have a look at the last one, maybe, and do a…
LOG
Yeah, it does….
STEVE
Anal does have an innocuous meaning that fits that also, and makes it…
MATT
Can I… I've got a better one.
STEVE
…just makes it not very funny.
MATT
Can I have this one?
LOG
Yeah, I know!
MATT
I just picked out a last one and, err, I… I might want this one - "I didn't just come in on a bloody banana boat!"
STEVE
That's the racist one.
LOG
But that's…
MATT
But it's got bananas in it so it's fun.
LOG
Is… I don't know… I don't know the history of anything…
STEVE
And this is what I was telling you.
LOG
…so I don't see how that's racist. I'm entirely ignorant, and I refuse to accept that my words have any meaning outside of just the word banana.
MATT
That's the disclaimer. Can I… Maybe I should just change it to "I didn't come in on a bloody banana!"
STEVE
No.
MATT
No? Alright, well do I… do I have to just… which one is it? Which one?
LOG
Wait a sec. I just out of… "I didn't come in on a bloody banana boat!"
MATT
Yeah, "I didn't come in on a bloody banana…" I'm fucking my audition.
STEVE
But do it in a Caribbean accent!
MATT
That's naughty!
LOG
You see, that is perfectly normal to me. I… I.. You see.. I mean, the professional…
STEVE
I didn't even understand it 'cos, to me, banana boats are the things you get in Majorca where it's an inflatable boat and eight people sit on it and you get tugged around by a speedboat and then they flip you off at the end.
LOG
They what? They flip you off? That's insult to injury, isn't it? So you think when someone says "I didn't get off a bloody banana boat!"…
STEVE
It's a… I… I…
LOG
…It means I'm not… I'm not here on holiday?
STEVE
Yes.
LOG
"I'm not being pulled around on the back of a jet boat!"
STEVE
I imagine people in Majorca, like locals in Majorca would say it to holidaymakers. They'd go "I didn't just bloody get off the banana boat!" That's… that's what it means to me!
MATT
Fine.
STEVE
And clearly, when you wrote it, you were being just incredibly racist.
LOG
Well, I had a dim knowledge, but I… I know what I'm talking… Obviously, I know it. I just thought it would be funny to introduce a bit of casual unpleasantness.
MATT
It's fine. It's what we did in the first week. So, what's your catchphrase, Log?
LOG
My catchphrase is "gaba-gaba-gaba-ga-doyng!"
MATT
Aww, I was really hoping for that one.
STEVE
Well, that's the end of Log's Regular Feature.
LOG
Well, it's not the end though, because the point from now on is, you have to use your catchphrases throughout the rest of the show…
MATT
Okay.
LOG
…and the person that uses them in the most apposite…
STEVE
Mmmm.
MATT
What's the prize? Will it contain gin?
STEVE
I always thought "apposite" was some weird abbreviation of appropriate, but it's really not.
MATT
I would have…
STEVE
It doesn't have an "S" in it?
LOG
I thought it had to be really similar to the word "opposite" but, does it… is it the opposite of opposite?
MATT
I don't even know what it means, and I'm a writer.
STEVE
No, it's not.
LOG
Okay.
STEVE
Neither of us know what the word "apposite"… It sounds Greek though, doesn't it?
MATT
Is it a word?
LOG
Definitely it's a word, and I used it correctly…
STEVE
At least… at least…
LOG
…but I'd be hard-pressed to tell you what it means.
STEVE
At least me and Log know it's a word.
MATT
One step above me.
LOG
So as a… Over the course of the show…
MATT
We've got to try and fit them in.
LOG
You've… fit them in, and there's also this…
MATT
Okay.
LOG
…a co-op catchphrase…
MATT
Ah, right.
STEVE
Oooh.
LOG
…whereas, like, and it follows a formula. One of you says "Get your X off my Y!"
MATT
Right.
LOG
The other person has to realise a catchphrase is happening and say…
MATT
Right.
LOG
…"That's not my X!"…
MATT
Okay.
LOG
…and the other person seals the deal by saying "That's okay, it's not my Y!"
MATT
Ohhahhh!
LOG
So, errm…
STEVE
And Matt, don't waste it on the first fucking thing you hear!
MATT
Alright. Okay. Jesus!
LOG
So…
MATT
Is that my reputation?
STEVE
I've… I… I… I know you're just going to… the first two nouns you hear, you're going to just use them for X and Y.
MATT
Okay.
STEVE
He's thinking of it now! He's gonna try and do it!
MATT
No, I'm not.
LOG
Steve, can you get your hand off my leg?
STEVE
See, this is what I'm talking about. This is… It should be appropriate for the conversation, not just…
LOG
It is appropriate. They don't know you haven't got your hand on my leg.
MATT
Sometimes… sometimes I think… I just wish you'd get your hatchet off my case. But, anyway, that's the end of Log's feature.
• JINGLE •
"I don't want to wait for this life to be over!"
• FEATURE •
"Sexy Chat-Up Lines"
Written and Performed by
Matt Lees
★ Rate This Feature ★
MATT
Okay, now it's time for my Regular Feature which is "Sexy Chat-Up Lines". Now I was… I was thinking the other day about chat-up lines, and they're basically useless, 'cos errm, when I was at university I used to, errm, go to these terrible clubs every… every week, or every night sometimes, and be surrounded by "the hated". Errm, and, what I used to do to maintain myself would be to go around and make up chat-up lines and just see if anyone noticed. I think my favourite was I'd just go up to a girl and ask from her "Is your dad a thief 'cos, err, somebody's nicked my TV?" And, errm…
LOG
Aye, aye.
MATT
I used just do that to see what the reaction would be and actually, more often than not, it was… it was a token gesture that you'd made and…
LOG
More often than not, she just… rem… disrobed.
MATT
Yes, immediately…
STEVE
Splayed herself.
MATT
…and began writhing around like a mermaid.
LOG
And… and began auto-deflowering, a… a writhing dance that left… that left you more put off that aroused.
MATT
Mmmm, yeah.
STEVE
A hymen exploded onto your chins.
MATT
That was more in my second year but anyway…
LOG
Peter and placenta.
MATT
Good God. There was a lot of glitter in those clubs actually, I must admit. Errm, but anyway, I didn't like… I've never liked chat up lines, right? And I've… I've always… always struggled with the idea of going to meet women in bars. I don't do that.
LOG
I think it's a unifying feature amongst all people who aren't cunts that they don't…
MATT
Yeah.
LOG
…like chat-up lines.
MATT
I think that's it. I think that's it. But what I thought is, I was watching, errm, some "Mad Men" the other day, right, and I was thinking…
LOG
Alright.
MATT
…that's the way to do it, you know? You don't just, like, go up to a woman and go "Hey, did you fall out of Heaven 'cos there's a body on the floor outside of my house" or something, like. You know, you go out and you…
LOG
"That looks like you!"
MATT
Yeah.
STEVE
Yeah.
LOG
"I'm sure it was dead when I left it."
MATT
"Is it some sort of sixth sense scenario or are you actually alive?" Errm, no. I like the idea of you just having, err, the kind of panache to just order something for a lady at a bar… at a bar. She's at the bar and you go "Ooh, hello. Err, a drink for the lady!" and the lady goes "Oh no, no, I shouldn't!" "Oh no, it's paid for by the man over there" and the man over there swans over and goes "Oh, hello, hello, hello. I've just put you a…" They didn't say it like that. But, anyway…
LOG
"Hello, hello, hello!"
MATT
"Hello, hello, hello!"
STEVE
Before she's even… the drink's arrived, like, "Oh, I just got you a drink. It's gonna come over… It's gonna be here any second."
LOG
"It'll be here any minute. Oh God, I'm so excited! Are we gonna do it?"
MATT
"It's gonna be bloody amazing when it arrives. My name's Don Draper. Nice to meet you." No, so what I thought we'd do, right, is we'd do a little experiment to just see what sort of things might work 'cos I've been a taker man for a long time and I'll probably be a taker man for a long time or… but I thought we'd do a little experiment, so what we're gonna do…
STEVE
An experiment, Matt, yields a result.
MATT
An… An experiment, and these are going to be results.
LOG
And results lead inevitably to conclusions research…
MATT
And what do conclusions mean? Prizes! No, they don't. Errm…
STEVE
They often do.
LOG
Yeah.
MATT
Really?
LOG
Research prizes.
MATT
It's not the same as a Brucie Bonus, is it? Anyway, what we've got, is we've got, err, you can either, right, you can choose. Do you want to be static? Do you want to always be the woman, always be the man, or do you wanna swap it over each time?
STEVE
Oh… err, swap it.
LOG
Swap it, yeah.
MATT
Okay, cool. So, what… what's gonna happen, right, is I'm gonna give one of you…
LOG
Knowing… knowing… Shall we make a kind of gay joke, Steve?
STEVE
No.
LOG
No.
STEVE
No.
LOG
No? Let's not, ay?
STEVE
I don't understand it though, how it can possibly be a gay joke?
LOG
What, "do you want to take it in turns as to who's the woman?"
STEVE
Ah, yes!
LOG
There you go.
MATT
I'll have none of that! It's my… It's my heterosexual feature and we will all be… you'll play to your roles properly gentlemen, thank you.
STEVE
Your hetero-normative roles.
MATT
I know. I was being… I was being a comedy homophobe there. It's funny.
LOG
I will not comply.
MATT
When have you ever?
LOG
Dunno though.
MATT
Anyway, one of you will be the woman, and I've got a little bio of what you… what… what sort of woman you'll be, right? This'll give you an idea of how to play the role, and the other one will get given something that they'll have to ask the waiter to go and buy them and then the man whose bought something for the lady at the bar will then have to go and chat her up and it… it can be a very short one if you're… if you're not interested but it's a little experiment to see how these sort of… these things you can buy women will affect the different types of women.
STEVE
Jesus, this sounds confusing.
LOG
Can I ask… Can I ask Steve because…
LOG
…you've explained this to me a number of times now.
MATT
Right. Yes.
LOG
Steve, do you get that?
STEVE
It sounds like, you know in "Who's Line is it Anyway?", when they sort of engineer a situation around which they can, errm, make jokes and a lot of successful funny people…
MATT
Thanks… thanks for deconstruct…
STEVE
…then go… then go on to create a… an amazing TV show.
LOG
I like…
MATT
Matt's doing that, except it's us instead!
LOG
Do you… Do you know that programme with really good comedians…
STEVE
Yeah.
LOG
…who they ask to improvise because they're good at it.
MATT
Well…
LOG
We'll rise to your challenge my friend!
MATT
Good! Good. Thanks for the deconstruction there, Steve. Err, errm, yeah, well…
LOG
Nothing enhances a joke like deconstructing it. Okay?
MATT
Okay, right, okay. So Log, you're the woman. This is the description of the woman, you can read it out if you like. You can do what you want with it.
LOG
If I was less of a woman I would have argued with that.
MATT
I like that.
STEVE
Good, you are subservient to me, the man.
LOG
In this forthcoming relationship. Okay, do I read this out loud?
MATT
You can do if you want. I don't mind.
LOG
I will.
MATT
Alright.
LOG
I am an older women, tired of her husband, looking for an evening of no-strings romance with an erotic stranger of the night.
MATT
Interesting! Exciting!
LOG
Steve, clues for you there, Steve. I might be a bit easy.
MATT
Right, that's a clue for Steve, but Steve has got to, err, do this. So now I'm handing Steve a piece of paper which tells him what he's going to ask the waiter, who is me, and also, because I know improvisation is difficult, and we're not all amazing, right, you've got a suggested chat-up line. So, if you can't think of anything to say to the woman at the bar, I know it's difficult, I've been there myself, then you've got a suggested chat-up line. So Steve, I'm the waiter, if you could… "Hello sir, how can I help?"
STEVE
This is…
LOG
I can't wait to receive whatever it is he's going… Oh…
MATT
But you don't know about that yet!
LOG
Sorry, I'm in character. "Oh, I'm so thirsty!"
MATT
Yes.
LOG
"Hello!"
STEVE
And, you hate your husband. Don't… Don't forget to mention that!
MATT
Yep. Yep. Okay.
STEVE
Errm, alright, err… "Waiter Matt, err, could you, err, could you get, err, just pour a… pour a pint of gin and just, err, send it to that… that… that lady over there please?"
MATT
"Certainly sir, certainly sir, and, err, one moment… Hello madam. Err"…
LOG
"Hello!"
MATT
…"there's a man… a man in the corner, he has asked me to bring you this, err, this drink on his behalf. He's…"
LOG
"Ooh! What is it?"
MATT
"It is a pint of gin."
LOG
"Oh gin. They call it Mother's Ruin, don't they?"
MATT
"They… They do!"
LOG
"But I'm not a mother, my husband doesn't satisfy me in that way."
MATT
"Oh, this is… this is terribly sad. Would you like me to, err…"
LOG
"I'm ripe for an affair, to be honest."
MATT
"I'm… I am quite busy, madam. Err, would you like, err, me to send him over? Is this okay?"
LOG
"Oh, please do! I like…"
MATT
"Okay."
STEVE
Waiters don't say that! "Would you like me to send him over"!
MATT
Alright, well, you've… you've highlighted a point earlier which is quite correct, that none of us are that good at improv, okay? Let's… Let's just… Let's rewind that slightly.
LOG
Speak for yourself!
STEVE
Let's go back. Okay. Okay. I…
MATT
"Is it okay if, errm… He's asked if it's okay if he comes over to the bar?"
LOG
"Oh, do send him over, yes!"
MATT
"Right."
LOG
"I'd like that."
STEVE
And I'm…
LOG
"Oh, hello!"
STEVE
"Hello."
LOG
"Hi. You're… you're really tall, aren't you?"
STEVE
"How's… How's the drink?"
LOG
"I'd like to see that… I'd like to see you looming at the end of my bed, all full of threat and menace!" Steve
LOG
"Oh, do go on. Yes please!"
STEVE
"That's enough to ruin more than one mother!"
LOG
"Right, I… I seem to have foreseen the Mother's Ruined, but oh dear!" Errm… So…
STEVE
He said…
MATT
Right, that's fine. You don't have to continue role play any further.
STEVE
Oh.
MATT
You can if you want to.
STEVE
Oh no, I really want to fucking get with Log.
MATT
Well, there's plenty of time for this, but yeah, carry on.
LOG
"This is… this is lovely gin, thank you."
STEVE
"Suck it down!"
LOG
"I will! Have you got a wider straw? I've got an incredibly capacious mouth."
MATT
Right, we're going to have to cut that down now, so is it… so is it a "yes" or is it a "no"?
STEVE
"Just wrap your lips around the rim and go!"
MATT
Is that a winner?
LOG
And real… the whole pint drops into my neck.
MATT
Science! No! This is science!
STEVE
So… Sorry. Okay. Okay.
MATT
We need to know if you are… if you are a middle age widow. Not a widow, err, a… a… a tired woman, tired of her husband, and somebody buys you a pint of gin, is that gonna to win? Is that a winner, Log?
LOG
Yes.
MATT
Science says "yes". Fantastic.
LOG
But… But Steve, has my eagerness put you off?
STEVE
No, 'cos I've just fucking bought you a pint of gin!
MATT
So, that's what you do?
STEVE
Clearly, eagerness isn't going to put me off!
MATT
So if you want to… if you get…
LOG
Right, this… this is working.
MATT
Did you get stuff?
LOG
Perhaps we were wrong to…
MATT
Yeah, I know it sounds really…
STEVE
I like it. More! More! Let's do more!
MATT
It's really good. Okay, right. Okay, okay. Right, now… Err, so, Steve, this time is the lady, there's his description, and Log, here is what you are buying for the lovely, lovely lady at the bar.
STEVE
Okay, errm, I didn't… Am I…
MATT
You can withhold if you want.
STEVE
I might withhold.
MATT
It's your right, as a woman.
STEVE
Then it's… "As a woman"? That was a clue!
LOG
You're a woman.
STEVE
I'm definitely a woman.
LOG
I'm gonna build on that.
MATT
Okay.
STEVE
And, also… Also, I'm going to… the voice I'm going to use will be the exact voice of the woman that you're hearing.
MATT
Okay. Okay. Cool.
LOG
So, I'll respond to you as though you're talking in the voice that I hear?
STEVE
Yes.
LOG
Okay, cool.
STEVE
Mmmm.
MATT
It's complicated. Err, "Hello sir, can I get…"
LOG
So, I, oh, thank you, yeah… oh..
MATT
"I am a vaguely French waiter."
LOG
"Hello, yes! I'd… I like her and I've got an idea as to how I might have her!"
MATT
"Okay, err, very good sir, well, can I help?"
STEVE
[BELCH!]
LOG
Put a plate of chipolatas in front of her, and tell them they're from me… Tell her they're from me."
MATT
"Certainly. Certainly sir. No problem at all. Errm…"
LOG
"Well, quickly then please."
MATT
That's the walking sound.
LOG
"I'm on… I'm already on the vinegars!"
MATT
I've left now. I've left. Err…
LOG
"Shall I shout then? I can still see you!"
STEVE
"What's that guy shouting about? What's all these chipolatas? Ah! I'll have those for… I'll have those chipolatas I will!
MATT
"Oh, thank you very much madam."
STEVE
"Ah! Oh, just… just fuck off now. Just…"
MATT
"Well, may I just say… May I just say you are a beautiful woman! You are very beautiful."
STEVE
"Yeah, cheers mate. Just fucking leave the chipolatas, err, I'll have these. Alright? Off you go, I've got work to do."
LOG
"Waiter? Errm, could you, maybe, introduce me to…" Oh, do I… do I just walk over?
MATT
"You can just walk over if you wish, sir. It is a…"
STEVE
"These fucking chipolatas are lush! I fucking love these."
LOG
"Do you know who bought you them chipolatas?"
STEVE
"Ah… Who? What? Who was…"
LOG
"I've… I bought them chipolatas for you."
STEVE
"Alright, love."
LOG
"You seem to be enjoying them!"
STEVE
"Yeah, they're fucking awesome, mate! At…"
LOG
"Tell me about your life?"
STEVE
"Ah, God! Err, I just love… I just love chipolatas really. You, err, you… you… Do you wanna… do you wanna fuck?"
LOG
"Yes."
STEVE
"Well, err, let's go."
LOG
"How… What's your favourite way to fuck?"
STEVE
"Fucking… fucking you in the arse!"
LOG
Oh, you… Hang on!
MATT
Oh, oh!
STEVE
And this is when I reveal I'm a beautifully convincing, actually, not that convincing, transsexual prostitute!
MATT
Whey!
LOG
Oh!
MATT
Congratulations!
LOG
But it was one of those amazing prostitute encounters where you make such a connection that they don't ask you for money.
MATT
No, because you also… the sausages?
LOG
Oh. Oh yeah.
MATT
And it's the… the route to any man or prostitute.
STEVE
Yeah, if feels… It's almost like these, err, the chat-up lines correlate with the, errm…
MATT
Well, but that's the thing…
STEVE
But it's not, 'cos it's genuinely random.
MATT
…they're random. It's random.
STEVE
It sounded like I'm pointing out that it's not random.
MATT
It's random. Errm…
LOG
Hang on, did you just suggest that a plate of chipolatas leading to sex is the same as prostitution?
MATT
No, no, no, no.
LOG
Because that's quite radical feminist.
MATT
Well, it is really, isn't it? It's all… it's all.. it's all just meat and money. Errm, meat is money? Meat is… Oh, I don't know. I fucking haven't listened to The Smiths in ages.
STEVE
Same here.
MATT
Anyway, right, number three.
LOG
"Meat is money"! Morrissey realises that he can sell meats to people and sets up as a butcher!
MATT
That would be better than any new Smiths album. I'd be happy with that. More?
LOG
Yep, one more.
MATT
Okay, cool.
STEVE
Let's do one more.
MATT
Well, we got… Alright, we got one more. Ooh, okay, I got two more.
LOG
That's… Okay…
MATT
That might be too many.
STEVE
Let's do one more.
MATT
Okay, okay, no worries. Okay, well, in that case, let's fucking go nuts! Right, so here you are Log. You are this lady.
LOG
"I am a sophisticated young lady waiting for a friend to arrive. There's a chance I might be up for a quick poke and tickle. Gaba-gaba-gaba-gaba-doyng!"
MATT
Ah!
STEVE
God! I've been forgetting my bloody catchphrase!
LOG
I've…
MATT
Ah!
LOG
I've just streaked ahead in the catchphrase game. Errm…
STEVE
The thing is, I've only been talking to a singular lady. I can't say "Woof it up, ladies!" unless…
MATT
Well, no, but you can say that as if there's fictional ladies. I say "Hello ladies" all the time and there's no women there, so it's fine. Come on.
STEVE
Okay. Alright, errm…
MATT
Come on!
STEVE
Well, clearly I'm just going to crowbar it into the next two sentences!
LOG
You've really got… You've really got to up your game! Errm, "So, there's a chance I might be up for a quick poke and tickle but, honestly, I'm very, very busy.
STEVE
Mmmm.
LOG
Steve, I don't rate your chances this time.
STEVE
This is quite difficult. I’d better get something really nice to send you.
MATT
Okay. Right, there's your… there's what you're… you're sending over, Steve.
STEVE
"Err, errm, maître d? Could you, err, could you?"
MATT
"Certainly sir, how can I help?"
STEVE
"Errm, that, err, that young lady over there?"
MATT
"Oh yes, she very beautiful."
STEVE
"Could you, err, could you just, err, just punch her in the face for me please?"
MATT
"I beg your pardon sir?"
STEVE
"Could you, err, just send… send her a punch in the face?"
MATT
"Sir, I did… I did not come on a bloody banana boat, you know? I… I… I'm not a…"
LOG
Nice!
STEVE
"Look mate, I wasn't accusing you of coming here on the banana boat, but, err, just… like, you know, do your job?"
MATT
"Okay, terribly sorry, sir. Just un petite punch in the face?"
STEVE
"Just one. I'm watching ya!"
MATT
"Hello madam. Err, this is… this is a…"
LOG
"Oh yes, what is it? What it is? Please, I'm…"
STEVE
"Fucking smack her!"
LOG
"I got… I got… I've got a lot on!"
MATT
"This is… this is from the man in the corner."
LOG
"Oh, well it.,. Make it quick. Make it quick and fast! Ooh! My hairpiece!"
MATT
"If it's not…"
STEVE
"Fucking take that, you bitch!"
LOG
"Who's that man who seemed to be using you as a vicarious fist?"
MATT
"I do not know. I do not know. I… I said to him I did not come over on a bloody banana boat, but it's my job. I am sorry."
STEVE
"Fucking love that, don't you? Woof it up, ladies!"
LOG
Gaba-gaba-gaba-gaba-doyng!
STEVE
Oh, we are…
LOG
Yes! That… that was it!
STEVE
"Who's"… Yeah.
LOG
That was the day catchphrases happened!
MATT
The zenith of the catchphrase!
STEVE
Oh, "Who's Line is it Anyway?" can fucking do one! That was…
LOG
I feel like I've powered up!
MATT
See? I knew… You were all so worried about the improvisation, but…
STEVE
Yeah, I know.
MATT
…it worked out alright.
STEVE
We fucking nailed it in the end.
MATT
You gotta believe! I was… I was… I mean, I… I can see why you didn't have a gap to use my suggested chat-up line for that, but I was a bit disappointed, I thought it was quite good.
STEVE
I didn't… Oh, God. You know, I didn't even look at it, but, no, I've… I've thrown it on the table and it's gone. The joke's gone.
• JINGLE •
"No Scrubs - TLC"
• FEATURE •
"Steve's Things Where He Didn't Know Where They Come From"
Written and Performed by
Steve Hogarty
★ Rate This Feature ★
STEVE
And now it's time for Steve's Regular Feature which is "Steve's Things Where He Didn't Know Where They Come From".
MATT
Oh…
LOG
Hey, hello.
STEVE
So, I've got a… a few things that I've been researching 'cos… Now a lot of the things you use in your, sort of, day-to-day life and you never really think about where they come from or how it's made.
LOG
That's true. There's a… Something that's bugged me for many years, I would never know where to go to buy a hand bell.
STEVE
Ah.
MATT
Mmmm. Who… Like, just a bell you can use with your hand?
LOG
Well, hand bells, like campanologists use.
MATT
What's… What's a campanologist? Someone who studies camp?
LOG
It's a… It's a man who uses hand bells to make music.
MATT
Oh.
LOG
Anyway, this is… this is a word… That's my word of the day!
MATT
Well!
STEVE
Well, I'm just going to… I'm just going to dive right into the first thing where you didn't know where they come from. That is, coffee. Just coffee beans.
MATT
Mmmm.
LOG
Comes from Arabica's, doesn't it?
STEVE
Open to suggestions, I don't know what the word you just said is.
MATT
What? Where do coffee beans come from?
STEVE
Yeah, you know what?
MATT
I know this one.
LOG
"Where do"…
MATT
Umm…
LOG
…"coffee beans come from?"…
MATT
Tescos!
LOG
…"Over the lands and far away." Anyway, sorry. Carry on!
MATT
Is the answer Ireland? I'm not… I think I was getting a bit of Irish there.
STEVE
Well, let me… "Coffee beans aren't actually beans"…
MATT
That's the rustle of gin in the background there.
STEVE
…"but they are the seeds"…
MATT
The ever-present rustle of gin. Sorry, sorry. I was talking over you again. You don't like that, do you?
LOG
It's gin trees. The leaves…
STEVE
I'm going to start that again. From…
LOG
We're waiting?
MATT
Come on!
STEVE
I've just realised, it's not funny!
LOG
I tell you what, you've got to front this fucker out, Steve. If you come here with something that's not funny, just make…
STEVE
I was just going to read it.
LOG
Yes.
MATT
Get your feature off of my podcast!
STEVE
Telling you what mate, that's not my feature.
MATT
It's not my podcast.
STEVE
Fuck, this is all getting cut out, man!
MATT
I know! Is it? Is it getting cut out?
STEVE
Oh! You have to leave it in now!
MATT
Maybe people like this shit? Maybe, if they don't even like the feature, they like the bits in-between where we don't know what we're doing and we're meandering?
LOG
Let… let's pray that's true. Let's pray they enjoy the bits with no structure or…
MATT
Pray afterwards! We haven't got time at the moment. We're waiting for Steve to read something off his iPhone.
STEVE
Coffee beans aren't beans, they are the seeds of coffee cherries. I takes between three and four years for a freshly planted coffee tree to bear fruit." Now, they come in things that look a bit like grapes and I… that's, for me, personally amazing.
MATT
Oh, that is… That was brilliant.
LOG
I don't know what to take from that.
MATT
I don't… I…
LOG
I like… I like the fact that I heard it, but I don't know what I can take from that, from my journal of things I have learned.
MATT
The delivery was spectacular.
LOG
I like it, do it… do more angry next time.
MATT
Yeah.
STEVE
Right, ambulances!
LOG
Be more angry at yourself.
MATT
Right, ambulances. Okay
STEVE
Do either of you know where ambulances come from?
MATT
Hospitals?
STEVE
Technically, true.
MATT
Yeah.
STEVE
But, they're… they're normal vans where they've just, err, just put a load of hospital stuff in it.
LOG
What, so, if a van gets said "Can you take all this hospital shit to the hospital please?"…
MATT
Then it's an ambulance?
LOG
Yeah.
STEVE
No, but they need to saw off the roof.
MATT
What?
STEVE
They saw off the roof.
MATT
They're not open-top! I've been in an ambulance. They're not open-top.
STEVE
No, they… they… they… they put like a new room on it.
LOG
They don't have… Okay.
MATT
What?
STEVE
They're more aerodynamic than a… normal vans.
MATT
Are they?
STEVE
Yeah. I've… I saw a TV show about it.
MATT
"I don't know. I didn't come in on a fucking banana boat!" That didn't really work. Carry on.
STEVE
Errm…
MATT
I'm still winning though!
STEVE
Right, enchiladas. This is…
MATT
No, I'm not.
LOG
I don't know. I don't know whether…
MATT
Mmmm.
LOG
…appropriate appositeness is… is, err…
MATT
I'm just aware we're running out of time and, if I want to win this competition, I just need to say it every other sentence.
STEVE
I… "Woof it up, ladies!"
LOG
Okay.
MATT
Oh, right.
LOG
We've got… We've got to woof it up.
MATT
Alright, let's just…
STEVE
Do you both…
MATT
Let's just woof it up. Come on, you're right.
STEVE
Do you both mind woofing it up?
MATT
No, you're right. You're right. Carry on.
STEVE
Enchiladas.
MATT
Right.
STEVE
Errm, I only half-researched this one, so I don't know where they come from, but I did discover that "enchilada" is the… is the past tense of the word enchilada in Spanish…
MATT
How can you have pasta in the…
STEVE
…which means…
MATT
…I mean a food being a past tense?
STEVE
No, No! The thing is, it's a verb! Enchil…
LOG
Italians have pasta-tense!
MATT
That's a…
LOG
Back to you, Steve.
MATT
Yeah.
STEVE
Enchilada is actually a verb and… which means to put chili on, or into…
MATT
Well, I'm off for a cheeky enchilada, if you know what I mean…
STEVE
Yeah.
MATT
…or maybe you don't because maybe it's a verb?
LOG
What, you're off for a cheeky put-chili-on-something?
MATT
Yep.
LOG
You fucking prick.
MATT
Yeah. Was that one of your catchphrases?
LOG
Yes. Yes, it is.
MATT
Oh, Log's winning again. Do you have anything else to say, Steve?
STEVE
No.
LOG
So, I…
STEVE
I didn't… I really didn't put much effort into this one. I couldn't…
MATT
It didn't matter, it was good.
STEVE
It's I… There's things… and when… I basically… I saw an episode of "How It Works", no, "How It's Made" and they had ambulances in it. Errm… And I really thought "Does anyone really wonder how ambulances are made?"…
LOG
'Cos, like…
STEVE
…'Cos they're basically just vans with hospital stuff in it.
MATT
Well, that's what we were saying. You were like "No, no, no, no. It's an aerodynamic van with a special roof!"
LOG
So, did you put more effort into explaining how ambulances are made than they did or are you… What did you learn from the show?
STEVE
Well, no, it was… they… they described how they cut the roof off and they… they make it more streamlined and then they just add defibrillators everywhere.
LOG
Hang on, so that's true and is enchilada true as well?
STEVE
That is true, yeah.
LOG
So, are coffee beans actually cherry seeds?
STEVE
Yeah! They… they're coffee cherries.
MATT
What… what about cherries?
LOG
Hang on!
MATT
But can you eat…
LOG
I laughed because…
MATT
Where are the cherries?
STEVE
No, 'cos…
LOG
I laughed indulgently.
MATT
I was just laughing 'cos Steve was angry and I… I… it was funny.
STEVE
But, no, the… I thought it was… It's stupid - they come in… they look like grapes and they… when they get red…
LOG
It is fucking stupid!
MATT
Well, what do… Well, what do they taste like?
LOG
They're fucking idiots, come in!
MATT
What do the… What do the… the… the cherries look… taste like?
STEVE
I dunno, err, probably coffee?
MATT
But… but then you… Why aren't we eating them?
STEVE
They must not be very good.
MATT
Well, I suppose not.
STEVE
But then… they… they… because when they take the… the seeds out, they're green…
MATT
Right.
STEVE
And this…
MATT
I know that.
STEVE
…this is what…
MATT
I've seen that in Starbucks, they've got that in their fucking, like, mosaic of…
STEVE
They do! They've…
MATT
They've got buckets of the shit.
LOG
"The story of a bean", isn't it?
MATT
Yeah, it's like "Oh, look at all the different coloured beans we've got!" like they're fucking, like, selling Duplo or something.
STEVE
The Kenco website said they call then "green beans" but I… I don't think that there's…
MATT
That's not true, 'cos they're not beans!
STEVE
They're not the same as green beans that you…
MATT
No!
STEVE
…that you eat, so…
MATT
No.
STEVE
That…
MATT
It's a lie!
STEVE
Green beans aren't… aren't coffee beans.
MATT
No, if you eat green beans, you don't get, like…
STEVE
Basically, I've researched this feature, now I'm really confused about everything.
MATT
You came here with knowledge, and you left with confusion.
LOG
I honestly thought that this was a joke… is where you were saying that I… "Do you know where this comes from? I'm going to tell you a lie about where it comes from."
MATT
Ah!
LOG
And it was only at the very end that I realised. Oh, well done. You've… you hoodwinked me.
MATT
Well done. Well done. And, we've reached the point in the podcast where we've all done our features, and don't know how to segue into an ending, errm, so I thought I'd just segue into an ending.
LOG
You've fucking prepared his, you prick!
MATT
No, I didn't.
LOG
You thought "I'm going to steal the ending!"
MATT
I didn't!
LOG
You did, with your consummate radio voice!
MATT
Errm, if you let me finish, I was going to say…
STEVE
And that's the end of this week's Regular Features. Err, we hope you enjoyed the show. Come back next week for more Regular Features! Good bye.
MATT
Bye! Say "good bye" Log.
LOG
Out of interest, what were you going to do?
MATT
I was going to pass it to you, but Steve took it.
STEVE
Oh yeah, like, fuck you, prick!
MATT
No, I was. That's true.
STEVE
Mate, you were stealing the ending!
MATT
That is true.
LOG
Wait, you have just sowed ferment, and I don't even know what ferment means.
MATT
We're all fucked.
LOG
God, words! Bye!
MATT
Bye!
STEVE
Bye!
LOG
"Oh, you crazy thing!"
CLOSING CREDITS ROLL