Celebrity Dating Sweeney Banter (with extra kissing)

41: Celebrity Dating Sweeney Banter (with extra kissing) by Regular Features

Episode Call Sheet

Script

• JINGLE •
"Instrumental - Flute"
STEVE
Hello, and welcome to episode forty-one of Regular Features? It is forty-one, isn't it?
MATT
It's forty-one!
LOG
Forty-one. It's the funny voice episode!
STEVE
It's the question mark episode?
LOG
Is it?
MATT
Is it?
STEVE
It's a jam-packed, fun-time special. Thanks for joining us.
GAV
Jamboree.
STEVE
Err, who else is in the room?
LOG
Jam sandwich.
STEVE
Log…Log is here.
LOG
Towering jam sandwich. Layers. What, Steve?
STEVE
Say your name.
LOG
Jon Blyth.
STEVE
I'm Steve Hogarty, I didn't say that bit.
MATT
I'm a towering jam sponge. I'm Matt Lees.
GAV
I'm Gav.
STEVE
That's Gav Murphy.
LOG
Alright? The nonchalant Gavin Murphy. Alright? He says.
GAV
Having… having a nice little scratch under the table.
STEVE
Scratch.REPEAT
LOG
On his hairless balls.
STEVE
Hairless balls. Gav's looking at…
GAV
They're not hairless, they got… they're just see-through.
STEVE
Downy!
MATT
You said they were pretty much hairless. You said…
STEVE
Like a downy fluff, like a… like a rabbit's belly.
MATT
I think you said there was as much hair on your legs as… as there was on your balls.
GAV
Yeah.
MATT
So… Actually, that's quite a lot of hair.
GAV
I look like a burns victim down there.
• JINGLE •
"Won't somebody tell me where my feature's gone?"
STEVE
Of course, before we start the first feature we need to do our Regular Features birthday shoutouts for…
MATT
Hey!
STEVE
…for our readers who…
GAV
This is my favourite part of the podcast.
STEVE
…are celebrating birthdays. We do this every week…
MATT
Mmmm hmmm.
STEVE
…of course. We've always done it. It's not anything new. It's not novel at all.
GAV
Chill out
LOG
Why are you acting… Why are you acting so surprised?
STEVE
Yeah.
MATT
Yeah.
GAV
Jeeez!
STEVE
Happy birthday Julian B.P. who, err, doesn't… doesn't say how old he is or where he's from or…
GAV
He's a fucking idiot!
STEVE
We didn't have any invites from his…
MATT
We also got a birthday from Gary from, err, Swansea who's nineteen today.
GAV
Oh, nice. Oh Doris…
STEVE
…birthday.
GAV
…has been writing in as well - Doris from Hampshire, she's ninety-seven. Good on you, Doris!
STEVE
Wow! Wow, that's…
LOG
And Jessica, she's a protestant from Lewes and she's nine-years-old today.
GAV
Awww.
STEVE
Simon, an investment banker from Norwich…
GAV
Mmmm.
STEVE
He's just turned thirty-two.
GAV
My favourite age.
LOG
Well done, Simon.
LOG
Ok.
MATT
Harry, a postman from Shropshire, and if he wins he's going to spend the money on a new house.
GAV
Ahhh! Maria's also having…
LOG
Don't forget… Don't forget my parcel, if you deliver in my area.
STEVE
Good.
LOG
Yeah, thank you. A little bit of banter with 'em there!
GAV
Maria, from Aberdeen… Oooh, one of Scottish readers.
LOG
Oooh.
STEVE
Ahh!
MATT
Hey!
GAV
Seventeen!
MATT
Top of the morning to you.
GAV
She had some driving lessons.
MATT
Yeah?
STEVE
Yeah, so let's get that for your birthday. Francesca from…
GAV
Cheska?
STEVE
Chessy from Skegness. She, of course, is an airline pilot, she's just turned fifty-one.
GAV
Woah!
MATT
John… John is eight today, he's got a Spiderman cake and I really hope he enjoys the jokes about rimming.
LOG
Tess… Tess, and I don't think she's written one… this one herself. She's a dog!
STEVE
Oh!
GAV
Nice.
LOG
But her owner wishes her a very happy birthday, she's twenty-one.
GAV
Aww.
MATT
Aww.
STEVE
Aww. Very old for a dog. Samantha is a sentient cloud.
MATT
Aww.
STEVE
She's four minutes old…
GAV
Aww.
STEVE
…and she's hovering over the Regular Features house as we speak!
MATT
She'll probably be…
GAV
This is…
MATT
She'll probably be…
LOG
She'll rain on us!
MATT
She'll probably be dead by the time this… this goes out.
STEVE
She has evaporated.
MATT
Awww.
LOG
That is…
GAV
Well it was nice while it lasted.
MATT
Well, thanks for writing in and I hope you all have a wonderful birthday.
STEVE
Derrick from…
• JINGLE •
"Oh, hello. Would you like another feature?"
• FEATURE •
"The Celebrities I Have Had Interaction With Or Was It A Dream?"
Written and Performed by
Jon "Log" Blyth
★ Rate This Feature ★
LOG
Well, I don't know about you but it's time for my Regular Feature - "The Celebrities I Have Had Interaction With Or Was It A Dream?" feature in which I outline some things I have done with celebrities, or was it a dream I had about celebrities?
STEVE
Are you… Do you know whether or not it was a dream or are you personally confused?
MATT
Err…
GAV
He looks a bit confused.
LOG
Some of them are more recent than others so the details are sketchier in say… Well, I'm not going to give you any clues…
MATT
No.
LOG
…by naming the celebrity where the dream is sketchy or the reality is confused.
STEVE
Okay.
GAV
Did you text me about one of these the other day?
LOG
You all got a text about one of them.
MATT
Okay.
LOG
I would thank you not to say "Oh, I know that one's true!" because I've been told not to tell the story of that one because it would be bree… braych… breaking privacy and that's… that is why I have decided to do this feature instead of telling the story of what happened.
GAV
No!
LOG
So, you can't get me; I've got a loophole!
GAV
I love that - "You can't get me, Stewart!" I love the fact that, as you're leaving, Stewart's like, "and you fucking dare talk about that on that shit fucking podcast you do!"
LOG
Well I hope he doesn't start listening to this one…
GAV
"You fucking prick!"
LOG
…because he'll go back and listen to the other ones expecting betrayals in every one.
GAV
Which pretty much happens in every one.
MATT
"I've looked in every one!"
LOG
Stewart, I am going to provide you with a list of all the podcasts in which I have said you are lovely.
MATT
"Here are the time codes".
LOG
Yes. Number one: "Sue Pollard is outside the pub I am in. I ask her what's up and she says "me fucking taxi's late, init?" I said "Are you finished for the night then?" and she makes a "pfffft" sound to imply that she's knackered. When I get home, she is on "Children in Need" which is a live broadcast!"
MATT
Oooh.
GAV
Oooh.
STEVE
Right, that's interesting 'cos…
MATT
That is inter…
STEVE
So, we have to guess if it's a dream or not?
LOG
Is that a dream I had or is it a real life thing that happened to me?
STEVE
It's rare in dreams that you successfully make it all the way home and then other things happen. It feels… It sounds like that probably happened. Yeah.
GAV
Real life, yeah, because it sounds like…
MATT
Yeah.
GAV
…you've come full circle, doesn't it? And you've realized that actually the "Children in Need" thing was probably pre-recorded, you little bitch.
LOG
Yet, it said live on the screen…
MATT
Ohhh!
LOG
…but what she did was say "and we've got a lovely total!" Cut away from her to the total…
GAV
Ohhh!
LOG
They pre-recorded that - "We've got a lovely total!"
STEVE
"Say the total, Sue!"
LOG
Yes.
STEVE
"Why don't you tell me what total is?"
MATT
This is a very elaborate dream.
LOG
Yeah… No… But that's… that's… That didn't happen in the dream although…
MATT
No, because it's true. Err, no, I…
LOG
Hey!
MATT
I've tricksed you! Ha ha!
GAV
Was that true? Was that true?
LOG
That is true. I met… I met Sue Pollard outside the pub and she swore like a trooper. She's like a navi's jock… navi's cod piece, whatever that is.
MATT
We're like that though. When I, you know… We're all, like, "Hey! Look at us, not swearing on a daily basis but, actually, we… you… you… we do swear".
LOG
When do we not swear?
MATT
I don't know. Whenever I'm being recorded for anything that isn't this.
GAV
Yeah.
LOG
Oh, I suppose… Yeah, yeah fair enough.
MATT
I don't say "Hello, and welcome to the <BEEP> report".
GAV
Well, yeah.
LOG
Next one: "I look through a letterbox and Ruth Madoc is there. She wags her fingers at me in a sexy reprimand before turning into a cloud of purple smoke and drifting upstairs. I am left unsure as to whether she expects to follow me, and wake up".
STEVE
You mean, expect… if she is expected you to follow her up the stairs?
LOG
Yeah, I couldn't work out whether it was more sexy than it was reprimanding or more reprimanding than in was sexy.
STEVE
Right.
GAV
I hate those dreams. I hate those dreams.
LOG
You.. shouldn't… You shouldn't be looking at me through the letterbox. That said, I'll be upstairs if you need me, smoke form!
MATT
And nothing says "come to bed" more than smoke form.
LOG
Imagine…
STEVE
You would have to turn into smoke form to get through the letterbox.
LOG
Well, that's…
MATT
Well, that's what she's in… in… hinting at, isn't she? Obviously, she's like, "Hey babe".
STEVE
Use your smoke form.
GAV
Are you trying to imply that he can't turn to smoke form?
LOG
Yeah, you've just got to believe.
GAV
Let him fly, Steve. Let him fly.
MATT
Did you make a note down on your map to return to that area when you've unlocked the smoke form? Sorry, that was laboured.
LOG
No, no.
GAV
Video game bantz!
LOG
"I am in James Dean Bradfield's house".
GAV
Mmmm.
LOG
He is making soup out of beans and garlic and I joke that it would be coming out of both ends. Then his wife suggests that green is an appropriate color for salt and vinegar crisps and both me and James Dean Bradfield disagree. Then his dog licks my beard.
GAV
That is probably a dream.
MATT
It's probably a dream.
GAV
That's so out there that it must be a dream, right?
MATT
Yeah. Urgh!
GAV
A dog licking your beard?
LOG
Yeah, like, they'd be repulsed by that. No, I have got to tell you that at some in my life that actually happened.
GAV
No!
LOG
Soup! He made me soup and we… we really made friends over that soup.
MATT
Awww.
STEVE
And bonded over the, err, mutual disagreement with his idiot wife…
LOG
Yep.
STEVE
…who thinks green is an acceptable colour for salt and vinegar crisps.
LOG
Fuck's sake!
MATT
I hope she's not offended when I say, what a fucking stupid bitch!
LOG
Sea salt and vinegar. Sea salt. Sea is blue. Then I said…
GAV
Ohhh.
LOG
…something to the effect of cheese is green and then I forgot… Hang on, cheese - you get blue cheese.
MATT
Blue!
LOG
Then… But, no, everyone was too polite.
MATT
No one… No one…
LOG
Everyone was too polite to say "Fuck off, you idiot!" Oh, I entered as a guest in their house.
GAV
What… What were you doing there?
STEVE
The dog sensing it.
GAV
I… I forgot I'd ask you this.
LOG
I was just, errm, Stewart is friends with his wife.
GAV
In your dream?
LOG
Yes, in my dream.
GAV
Okay.
MATT
Awww.
LOG
Yeah, it is.
GAV
Is the house nice?
LOG
It's a lovely house, not overstated. He's got his feet on the ground. He's a very nice man, in my dreams.
GAV
"I love him and ev… everything he's ever done!"
LOG
He's fucking awesome.
MATT
In Log's dreams!
GAV
Yeah. In… In Log's dreams.
LOG
I am in a cube with Tommy Boyd. We are making out. I tug at his face and it comes off. Suddenly he is me and I am making out with myself.
GAV
Ohh.
LOG
I wake up.
GAV
Hot. Hot.
MATT
This… That's got to be real.
STEVE
This cube was in space and he had this dream at the age of sixteen.
LOG
I… You're underestimating me. I was at the age of nineteen and is the one wet dream I have had.
GAV
Ahh! I didn't know you had a wet dream.
STEVE
I think you might have mentioned this on the podcast before.
GAV
Yeah, we have, yeah.
LOG
But I… What I didn't mention on the podcast before that as I pulled away at Tommy Boyd's face and he was me…
STEVE
That is new information.
LOG
…basically, the one wet dream I've had…
GAV
Was over yourself!
LOG
…was having sex with myself in a cube in space!
MATT
So, if you are still playing Regular Features bingo, you can tick off the "Log Repeats His Wet Dream Story"!
STEVE
That's not a square!
LOG
Is that a box?
MATT
No, it isn't a box, but it bloody should be!
GAV
Yeah.
LOG
Well, it's talk about mentioning gay and ejaculating to a dream while you make out with yourself feels kind of gay.
GAV
Yeah, that's gay.
MATT
That's pretty strong.
GAV
I've never… I've never had a wet dream. Like, it always gets to the point where I'm just about to…
LOG
And you always wake up, leap to your feet and finished off in…
GAV
Yeah.
LOG
…your girlfriend's face!
GAV
Yeah! Morning! I'm awake!
LOG
Just…
MATT
Oh God! That's like…
LOG
Batting your dick on her face like it's the hammer between the bells on the alarm clock! Putting it her mouth and doing it on her cheeks.
GAV
Aren't you glad you chose me? Make me some food, I'm really hungry!
STEVE
"Groundhog Day"!
MATT
Ahh. I would have loved it if… if in "Groundhog Day", he… he… he done one of the days
STEVE
He woke up with a dick in his mouth!
MATT
He just woke up at six in the morning, run in some someone else's hotel room and just gone "Blugh!" in someone's face, and gone "Fuck it doesn't matter! It's Groundhog Day. I will be dead in a few hours and then I'll wake up again".
LOG
"My friend phones me up to say that Evan Dando out of "The Lemonheads" is coming to her house. So I go there with my friend who is riding an undersized, plastic bicycle. When we get there, my friend sings "Femme Fatale" with him until someone asks him to sign her picture of him. He storms out, appalled, and I chased him down the street saying "Thanks for 'Big Gay Heart', Evan!"
LOG
That's real.
MATT
I think that must have happened.
GAV
I'd love if that's real. Please let that be real.
STEVE
That is absolutely real.
GAV
Yeah!
STEVE
Ohh.
LOG
I just wanted to say, they… 'Cause I was just… I'd just come out…
GAV
Yeah.
LOG
…and "Big Gay Heart"…
GAV
I don't know you!
LOG
I was fucking eighteen but I was star struck by Evan Dando. Fuck!
GAV
That's amazing.
LOG
I'm a pathet… I'm a pathetic human being. What can I say?
GAV
No, no! That's awesome. That's a great story.
LOG
He done crack.
GAV
Yeah.
LOG
Can you imagine?
GAV
In front of you?
LOG
No.
GAV
Oh.
LOG
He was off… It… It was just after…
STEVE
In a dream?
GAV
Yeah.
LOG
It was just after that period where he'd had to cancel loads of gigs cause he'd fucked his voice on the crack.
GAV
On the crack! I hear it does that to your voice.
LOG
Yeah.
GAV
It cracks it right up.
LOG
Oh, you went sexy in your voice there for a sec. "Crack'll do that to you, boys". I am having sex with Vin Diesel in his Pitch Black face then I wake up. Is that true or not?
STEVE
Err.
MATT
Err, well…
STEVE
You did "wake up" at the end.
MATT
It… There almost depends on your perception of reality, I think.
GAV
You have been in… I'm sure you've at some point you've been in the same city or vicinity as Vin Diesel, so that could be true.
STEVE
No, but he wakes up at the end.
MATT
Well, yeah. My…
GAV
What? What?
STEVE
You don't do that when you're awake.
MATT
Yeah, but maybe… maybe Vin Diesel was taking advantage of him?
LOG
My sphere of sexual effect.
GAV
Yeah, maybe he was asleep?
STEVE
Yeah.
MATT
Maybe he was raped by Vin Diesel and he woke up at the end.
GAV
Mmmm.
STEVE
Deep. I've got Vin Diesel on Facebook.
GAV
Yeah, he's amazing, isn't he?
MATT
Wonderful.
STEVE
Yeah, he has, like, these really, like, sincere…
GAV
Is not real though, is it?
STEVE
Yeah, it's real
GAV
Fuck!
STEVE
It's his sin… like, sincere, earnest, positive messages that he posts like "Thank you for being my guiding light".
LOG
Oh, fuck you!
STEVE
Then he writes about…
LOG
Oh, I would not have sex with that.
STEVE
It's like, I love…
LOG
If he said that during sex…
GAV
Yeah.
STEVE
"Thank you Log, you are my guiding light". Stuff like…
GAV
He touched your face. Mmmm.
STEVE
…"When I played this bad guy in "Fast and the Furious 6" so he genuinely says that. He writes about playing this character…
GAV
Oh, no.
STEVE
…in "Fast and Furious 6" and what it means to him and how he takes this deep meaning from his, err, from his role in his films.
GAV
What about "Tokyo Drift"? What did he write about that? "It was weird, they were all different!"
• JINGLE •
"Titty Bum"
• FEATURE •
"Steve's Sexy Online Dating Profile That Quickly Turned Sad"
Written and Performed by
Steve Hogarty
★ Rate This Feature ★
STEVE
And now it's time for Steve's Regular Feature, "Steve's Sexy Online Dating Profile That Quickly Turned Sad".
GAV
Awww.
STEVE
Quite melancholic. I…
MATT
But it's sexy to begin with, right?
STEVE
Yes.
MATT
So, I'll take my shirt off initially.
STEVE
Err, yes, but…
GAV
Take it half off.
MATT
Right, okay.
STEVE
Take it half off, but have it ready to…
MATT
What, like that?
STEVE
…to put back on.
LOG
You can be sad and naked.
GAV
That's the best kind.
MATT
Most of my girlfriends have managed that.
LOG
"I just want to see your penis wilt at a rather inappropriate moment".
STEVE
Err, I joined a… a dating website called ShagAGamer.com.
LOG
Oh, God.
STEVE
I did it for research for an article.
GAV
Yeah, alright.
MATT
Mmmm.
STEVE
Errm.
MATT
"'Cos you're a journalist".
STEVE
Yeah, like Louis Theroux might do.
GAV
It doesn't… doesn't work. You can't go away with it. I did a thing with some child porn thing once and it's not alright…
MATT
A thing?
GAV
…apparently. I looked at a load of it.
STEVE
You down… downloaded two bits of it.
MATT
And then you took it to PC Zone… Not PC Zone, PC World.
STEVE
PC World. That's how they get you, isn't it?
MATT
It is.
LOG
You just take load of printouts saying "I don't think my printer's working properly".
GAV
"Can you just look?" It's just me on top of a naked kid!
MATT
It's all, like, … It's all, like, all these grainy lines, like, there's no colour definition on the bottom half of it.
GAV
"My printer's not working! Do you want to buy some nude pictures? I'll buy a new printer!"
STEVE
Well, ShagAGamer, I think, was… is a bit of a… I'm going to be careful. I can't call it a scam because then that's probably litigious.
GAV
Yeah.
LOG
I think you can use the word "bullshit". That… I think that…
STEVE
It's… It is bullshit…
GAV
Yeah.
STEVE
…yes. Errm, it's basically… It's… It's, like, an off-the-shelf dating portal where they just have this whole, errm, …
MATT
Well, it's this…
STEVE
…catalogue of data…
GAV
Yeah.
STEVE
…from all sorts of things like, errm…
LOG
It's a common pool of humans, isn't it?
GAV
Yeah.
STEVE
Yes, probably… Well, supposed to be filtered by people who say they're interested in games…
GAV
Yeah.
STEVE
…just to make it relevant.
GAV
But it's not at all, is it?
STEVE
But apparently not, because is just full of, like, sixty-year-old men. Errm…
LOG
I notice, these days, the front page has fewer sixty-year-old-men on it, but on the fortnightly mailout that I get which is basically small pictures of close-ups of dicks…
STEVE
Yeah, it's got a lot of that.
LOG
It's… It's… It's… Yeah. It's…
GAV
But seriously, I got…
LOG
Yeah, that doesn't have this… the gamer filter on.
GAV
That's fine though. Like, it's called "ShagAGamer", you're going on there for sex. If you were looking for sex, a dick is how you do sex.
MATT
No, but I think…
STEVE
Yeah, but if you've… if you specifically signed up to "ShagAGamer" then…
GAV
Yeah.
STEVE
…then you've got something in your head that makes you want to have sex with someone who plays games.
MATT
Yeah, and I… I don't know why you would specifically want to go out of your way to have sex with somebody who knows…
STEVE
You wouldn't, I don't… I don't… I genuinely don't think there is a single person who would legitimately use that site for what the person who thought of it…
GAV
Want to do with it.
STEVE
…thought they might. No one. No one wants this.
GAV
I don't want to shag gamers. Gamers look like me! Would you have sex with me? That's the worst. That's the last person I want to have sex with.
STEVE
I want to have sex with sexy people.
GAV
Yeah.
MATT
No, yeah. I mean, I've spent… I've spent the majority of my adult life trying to, errm, trying to deceive women into thinking that I'm not a boring geek, errm, and I've been actually, err, I have to say, I have been fairly successful about, but…
LOG
If you do say so yourself!
MATT
Well, no, no, no, considering I am fucking, you know, I've got… I've got a computer fan and some RAM in my bag, like, you know, I'm… I'm excited by that! I… If people actually realise that, then I'm in trouble, errm…
LOG
If you're on a date with a girl…
STEVE
And it all goes wrong.
GAV
And it goes in your bag?
LOG
…do you say "Inserting more charm RAM", and you ram it into your chest and say "I need a hug"?
MATT
It's by not doing that I am hiding my true colours but yeah. No, 'cos I mean… I mean literally, I'm not being that, I meant… I meant in a fair world I'd be shagging girls that look like Gavin, so…
GAV
What?
MATT
Yeah.
GAV
What have I done?
MATT
Nothing.
STEVE
What's wrong with Gavin?
GAV
Shag a human?
MATT
It was just a… It was just fucking follow up to him talking about not wanting to shag himself!
GAV
Aww, bulling me now.
MATT
You're bulling me! Anyway Steve, come on, do your…
GAV
I'd shag you.
MATT
I'd shag you but I'd be kind of doing it out of, you know, because you're a mate.
GAV
Spite!
LOG
Steve, let's actually shag in front of them now!
GAV
How does it work?
LOG
Fingers everywhere mate - exploring!
STEVE
So Julie, and she didn't get in touch with me, I was just browsing through profiles and I found, err, Julie who's fifty-three years old…
GAV
My favourite number, genuinely.
STEVE
…and this was, errm…
LOG
Oh.
STEVE
…her profile: "I am looking for an athletic man between twenty-five and fifty-five"…
GAV
My ears are burning!
STEVE
…"and you are in the UK". That is no punctuation either, but I'm not going to attempt to say it in one stream of consciousness. "Non-smoker, non-married, social drinker, who likes going to the cinema, dancing, dining out and in… and nights in"…
LOG
"I like going to the cinema dancing"!
MATT
"What's on tonight babes? Oh yeah, Black Dahlia? Woo!"
LOG
For the benefit of the readers at home, Matt is dancing while he is doing that.
MATT
Come on you can tell that, surely?
STEVE
…"and I'm looking for sexy fun, maybe more".
LOG
Ooh, hello. Now we get sexy.
STEVE
"My injuries were caused by boy of five running into me".
LOG
Oh, God.
GAV
"With a snow plow"!
LOG
Yeah.
STEVE
"It has been a long time since my accidents"
GAV
Awww.
STEVE
"I have twisted my left knee cap for the second time in as many months"…
GAV
Why's she twisted her knee cap all the time?
LOG
Yeah.
STEVE
…"and it may take some time to heal."
GAV
What?
STEVE
"I will not be able to meet for a few weeks as I need to let my left knee cap heal. I'm contactable but not meetable".
LOG
Take a break from fucking dating websites while this happens!
GAV
Oh my god.
STEVE
"But please don't let that put you off".
LOG
"I currently have a massive dose of the claps so I won't be able to meet for a couple of weeks or maybe I could just suck you off, but then I've probably got clap in my throat as well".
GAV
"Maybe we could just send some nice emails or something while I stop looking like a mong?"
LOG
Yeah.
MATT
That guy's is going "It's time for Steve to read his dating thing out".
GAV
Yeah.
MATT
It's not an advertising platform.
STEVE
But she just… She turns it by saying "but don't let that put you off contacting me"
GAV
Awww! It's put me right off.
STEVE
"It's your fucking wonky kneecap!"
LOG
I…
GAV
He posted this into a chat thing with me and I… I said "What's that? Your new PlentyOfFish, err, profile, Steve?" You did… You didn't say who it was or anything, you just posted it as text.
LOG
I don't think you're allowed to say… Well, you're obviously allowed to say, but I think it's rude to, say, give an age range that goes to twenty-eight below your age and only two above. If you're going to fish that optimistic downwards, you've got to at least show willing and go up to seventy years old.
STEVE
Yes.
GAV
Yeah
LOG
Just ig… By all means, ignore the… from seventy-year-olds getting in touch…
GAV
Yeah.
LOG
…but make yourself seem like you're in Hamlet.
GAV
Yeah. Although, in fairness, I'm pretty sure she's probably alienated quite a lot of people with that last bit of chat about it fucking… fucked up knee.
LOG
Yes.
STEVE
Yeah, it was about sixty percent of her bio.
MATT
Ohh, wow.
GAV
Why put that in there? Like, it's like put… like me doing this awesome profile and then going "Oh, and by the way, I have a massive, massive dick and I'll just be a prick like a couple of years down the line I probably won't treat you very nice". Ermm…
LOG
"I'll look after myself".
GAV
Yeah.
STEVE
But, I love at the end where it…
GAV
"I look like a tramp"!
STEVE
You know it was caused by a boy of five running into her?
GAV
What?
STEVE
Like, why specify?
GAV
Yeah.
STEVE
He was five-years-old.
GAV
Well, no, maybe she didn't want to make the other guy jealous about a boy? "It wasn't… It was nothing! It was, like, friends! He was alright, just friends!" That's easier to say than boyfriend, right?
MATT
Well, that's it.
LOG
Jesus.
MATT
I mean, my… my… my hard on started to slip at the mention of the five-year-old boy, and by the kneecap twisting it had just entirely gone.
STEVE
Yeah. I found another profile as well which I'll read out.
GAV
Okay.
STEVE
This one's from Liz. I don't have her age but, errm, from memory…
LOG
Why are you looking at women?
STEVE
…she was… Because, they have mental profiles! The men…
LOG
They… They would…
STEVE
The men are just quite very straight forward saying… They know what they want.
GAV
"I want to stick it up you".
STEVE
Yeah.
LOG
Oh, women have to go through this whole… Even if they don't mean it, they…
STEVE
Mmmm.
LOG
…There was just… You're on a shag web-site!
GAV
Yeah.
LOG
Just…
STEVE
Yeah.
LOG
Just say what you wanna do.
GAV
I imagine this is the end of the road for quite a lot of women. They're just, like, "Look, I haven't found anything on all those other ones that are quite nice. Ohh, ShagAGamer? Alright. I suppose I can shag a gamer".
STEVE
There's lots of, err… lots of couples in their… in their fifties and sixties who want to find other couples, gamers and stuff…
GAV
Fuck off!
STEVE
Yeah.
GAV
You think so?
STEVE
Yeah, a very common thing.
MATT
I don't see… I don't see why not, frankly.
GAV
Yeah.
MATT
I think… I think, if you get to that age and you're fucking bored…
STEVE
Yeah.
MATT
Why not? It's better that than both you just…
STEVE
More power to them.
MATT
…wandering along.
GAV
If I get to that age, and I… and I was into stuff like that, I'd… I'd probably wouldn't have a wife so I'd probably be just getting a prostitute and going "Me and a prostitute are going to come around to your house. We're going to do this, and this, and this, and this. Here's a picture of us doing it. Do you want to do it as well?" It's just…
LOG
"She might… She might be a bit confused. She could be high. I… Honestly… They… Some… Sometimes they come like that".
GAV
"I had one the other day, right, and then she was massively thick. Anyway, err…
MATT
It was half way to the Isle of Dogs.
GAV
"Anyway, I'm rambling now, so give me a call, I'm really bored". Errm…
LOG
"I'm bored, and so is the prostitute".
GAV
"She wants me to write this. Look at her!"
MATT
It's really expensive, so if we could just, err, just call me whenever and we'll come over straight away".
GAV
Yeah. "She's been here for weeks".
STEVE
This… This is, err, Liz… Liz's profile, and when I shout, she's using all-caps.
GAV
Okay.
STEVE
"Hi. I'm Liz. I'm looking for a friend and partner for weekend dating and fun. Would like to meet gentle sensitive lover. Must be well-mannered, well-dressed and open to a regular relationship".
LOG
Fuck.
STEVE
"NO ANAL. NO MARRIEDS. Thanks".
MATT
Wow. Doesn't want anal, or married men.
STEVE
"Marry… No married men. No anal".
MATT
"Back of the queue!"
GAV
"Those are my two bugger-boos!"
STEVE
I like that she's very pragmatic. I mean, she's got the…
MATT
She's obviously worry… I mean, that… that… that's really sad…
STEVE
It's a problem that she's encountered before!
MATT
…because that's… that's… that's…
GAV
She is. That's the… That's the best thing about it which is got them, like, "Oh, hiya! How's it going?" Everything is going really well, and they get into bed, start fucking her in the arse, and then go "By the way, I'm fucking married! Deal with it, Liz!"
STEVE
She's crying "Never again! I'm setting it on my profile!"
LOG
"I'm capitalizing that on my profile!"
GAV
Oh, poor Liz. Thanks, Liz.
• JINGLE •
"Could you please tell me what time it is?"
• FEATURE •
"How To Kiss Someone"
Written and Performed by
Gav Murphy
★ Rate This Feature ★
GAV
Have you ever used a dating site? Cos', I've… I've never… I don't think they were around when I was…
MATT
I… I almost did once. I almost did once. I signed up for match.com I think but I… I got… They're quite clever actually, most of the legitimate ones, the reason they work is that just actually signing up for them and doing all the things you need to do…
GAV
Is free?
MATT
…it takes forever.
GAV
Oh.
MATT
But I got about half way through but then I, errm, then I started getting a bit more luck when I was out and about and everything was fine. I got back on the horse as you say. You go through a period where you've been single for six months, and you're, like, "Actually, I actually really like being single. This is great. I've got all this free time. I can just do what I want. I'm having fun. I don't need it. It's all good. I'm not getting blue balls"…
GAV
Then you get…
MATT
Happy days.
GAV
Then you get drunk once and go…
MATT
…and then…
GAV
"I hate everyone!"
MATT
…when… when it gets to about a year or, like, eight months you start to get, like, really sad and you, like, "No, I can't".
GAV
Yeah.
MATT
"I actually… I want somebody to love now!" and then you realize you can't do it anymore. You somehow… You somehow lost…
LOG
You can't care for another person anymore?
MATT
No, no, no. You just can ensnare them sexually.
STEVE
"Ensnare"!
LOG
Oh!
MATT
No, I'm joking. Come on, I'm using that language just to be funny.
STEVE
Physically ensnare them?
MATT
Physically ensnare them, obviously.
GAV
I know how to ensnare a woman but, I mean, you wouldn't want to have sex with it after because it's a pretty messy snare!
STEVE
It's well trapped.
MATT
It's a bear-trap!
STEVE
Yeah.
GAV
Like Julie we fucked.
STEVE
Yeah, she's crippled when a five-year-old boy runs into her, …
GAV
Yeah.
STEVE
…just think of what one of Gav's traps will do!
GAV
The life we made from watching "Home Alone" going "Oh, that's really interesting".
MATT
But seriously, you… you forget how to make that move. You know, there's that point at which you kind of, like, you have… There's a point that when somebody has to kiss the other person. You sort of just forget to do it and you find yourself going home and going "I used to be able to do this! Why can't I do this anymore?"
GAV
I'm lucky that I've been blessed with…
LOG
Don't… Won't you say "Fancy a kiss?" or anything like that?
MATT
"Fancy a kiss"?
LOG
I mean, I'm not the fucking worlds' best Lothario, but I… I… I… I can say "Do you fancy a kiss? Do you wanna do owt?"
MATT
So you can never fall off…
LOG
Just do it in a northern accent - it's quite charming.
MATT
You can never fall off a horse though?
GAV
I've been blessed with confidence beyond my means so I just assumed that every girl I meet wants to fuck me.
MATT
Yeah, I know you do think this.
GAV
So everything's fine for me.
LOG
Yeah.
GAV
But what act… what actually happened is no girl who meets me wants to fuck me, but she doesn't know that yet.
MATT
My confidence is like, now…
LOG
Listen to episode thirty-nine to hear stories of Gav and his confidence with women.
GAV
We cut one of them out - one of those stories!
MATT
Yep, it was the worst one. Maybe another… a special feature for a special day.
STEVE
Yeah.
GAV
For a special lady.
STEVE
39B.
MATT
No, but seriously, I find, like, my confidence is like a fucking electricity meter. If I don't keep putting…
GAV
Coins?
MATT
…coins in it…
LOG
Well, I think you're… You…
MATT
…it just goes.
LOG
…You, being a straight man, have to deal with women and their different levels of "coming on-iness".
MATT
Yeah, yeah.
LOG
So, like…
STEVE
Yeah.
MATT
Well, you do. Especially…
LOG
Men are more… Other… Yeah, the other guy is quite likely to be…
MATT
It's a nightmare.
LOG
…that kind of thing.
MATT
You do… You do get to this point where you do have to take a leap of faith in being, like, you kind of think that they might be up for kissing you but…
LOG
Well, don't do what Roy Keane did to my cousin and say "Do you want to go… Do you want to go out with us? You don't have to fuck us, or owt".
GAV
Roy Keane really said that?
LOG
Yeah, to my sister-in-law.
GAV
The actual Roy Keane?
LOG
The Roy Keane.
GAV
Amazing!
LOG
He said "I won't think any less of you if you don't fuck us".
GAV
Aww, that's quite nice though.
MATT
That's romantic.
STEVE
That's very honest.
LOG
Well, for a footballer, his expectations have probably been set quite high.
GAV
Yeah.
STEVE
Mmmm.
LOG
Always say "Do you want to make out?" Just… Do you… Oh, do you want to see a kiss? Oooh.
GAV
That's part of the fun though.
MATT
No, no, no, no, no you don't.
LOG
No! No fucking leaning…
STEVE
That's not how it works in films!
GAV
You don't watch "Dawson's Creek?"
STEVE
Just wait for the music.
GAV
Never ask! Never ask!
STEVE
Wait for the music.
LOG
That's weird shit.
MATT
That's awkward.
LOG
You expect some, like, soft-focus bullshit?
STEVE
Just wait for the music to start.
LOG
It's less awkward than…
GAV
Yeah, yeah, I thought that.
LOG
…leaning for a kiss and them going "Urrrgh! Ewww! What's wrong with you?"
MATT
I like to be at… like, your reaction to that. Knocked so far…
LOG
Yeah, yeah, like, it… it worked us both.
MATT
Yeah. But no… But no, but the problem… The thing is, like, ninety-five percent of the time…
LOG
How can that… How can one be awkward and not the other?
MATT
Because… Because of… It's about the moment. You're, like, you'll be… You'll make them laugh about something and then they'll… you'll be looking each other and then it's this point where you just kiss and it's like it's easy to, like, …
GAV
You've made a girl laugh?
MATT
You… Laugh, cry, it's pretty much the same! Alright?
GAV
There's some bollocks!
MATT
A lot of the girls I've… I've… I've tried to… to… to chat up and stuff and try to get with have been quite, quite, almost like, err, in the past, anyway, I often got…
GAV
Prostitutes?
MATT
…shy girls.
GAV
Prostitutes? Cousins?
LOG
But then, turn it into a joke then.
MATT
Why shy girls?
LOG
Just, like, I'm just going to stand over here doing this.
MATT
But, if the…
GAV
You get to release your own fuck.
LOG
I'm going to walk slowly, slowly towards you…
GAV
Oh, I'm just going to run…
LOG
…and if you want to… if you want to step out of the way, that's brilliant. If not, I might end hitting you. That is a nice way to say "Have a kiss".
MATT
That is… That is a nice way, but I do think that…
STEVE
I know. I mean, if she doesn't get in your way like you're forced just to keep going until you touch the wall and go "Well, I'm turning around. I'm coming back your way".
LOG
"Oh no! I'm on homing mode - chase you home!"
STEVE
And, even if something's going well with someone, it's nice to be able to just have the feeling of knowing that they want that as well and neither of you have to say it 'cause… 'cause they can often be embarrassed without saying yes to that…
MATT
Mmmm.
STEVE
…even though they do want it.
LOG
Oh, the…
MATT
I think it's, with girls especially…
STEVE
Matt is very shy.
LOG
The… Before saying you think you know, the best feeling I had once was just they… Oh, for fuck's sake, you're right. The best… I always remember, one of the loveliest I had was we just went out and I thought, kind of thought I fancied him but I wasn't willing to do anything 'cos it was first date and I wasn't sure what was going on. In the end, he lent in for a kiss and it's a really short kiss but I was fucking stoked all night and went home and wanked on the strength of a kiss.
STEVE
There you go.
MATT
Yeah, but no, I do think that the… the… the general problem is… is the fact that if you… you get that point where you know that the girl wanted to kiss them but then you… it's your… it's your job to… to kiss them but then if you don't do it because you don't have the balls, they won't then go "Stop being so fucking"…
GAV
Also "What you're doing?"
MATT
Yeah.
LOG
Maybe…
STEVE
You back out of a sense of obligation.
MATT
No, and…
LOG
Yeah.
STEVE
Never give them the opportunity to say no.
LOG
Yeah. May… Maybe one way…
GAV
"And you can taken that to the bank!"
LOG
Maybe, is this a way of doing… If you tilt your head one way and lean forwards, they might tilt their head the other way so as to make your mouths mesh a bit better?
MATT
Mmmm.
GAV
If you just talk to her and say something like this…
LOG
If I was to go like that, yeah, and it keeps getting slowly closer, and a bit more tilty, until your head is so tilted that she doesn't even need to tilt her head and then you're just kissing her…
MATT
And that was in… that was…
LOG
…with her… with her eyes bulging!
MATT
That was an impromptu collective special feature called "How"… "How To Kiss Someone".
GAV
And not to get off with a girl basically.
MATT
Or a boy.
• JINGLE •
"Instrumental - Trumpet With Barking Dogs"
• FEATURE •
"Sweeney Chat-Up Lines"
Written and Performed by
Gav Murphy
★ Rate This Feature ★
GAV
Now it's time for my Regular Feature, "Sweeney Chat-Up Lines"…
LOG
Sweeney
STEVE
Mmmm.
GAV
…which I…
STEVE
Sweeney.
GAV
I saw the new Sweeney film the other day which was directed by the fucking…
LOG
Florence?
GAV
…the prick who did "Football Factory" now, Nick Love.
STEVE
"The Demon Barber of Fleet Street".
GAV
Yeah, well I… This is… I didn't know. I spent the entire film going "What?" They were talking about The Sweeney as if, like, everyone knew what it was. I spent the entire film going "What the fuck is The Sweeney?" I asked the girl next to me, she didn't know.
LOG
I saw you… I saw you tweet about this…
GAV
Yeah.
LOG
…and I assume… I've always assumed it was Sweeney Todd plod, but it's not!
GAV
They are the… They're the flying squad and Sweeney Todd is Cockney rhyming slang for the flying squad. So we're the Sweeney.
STEVE
What's the flying squad?
GAV
I don't know and I've seen a film about it, like, in the UK.
STEVE
Oh, is it like flying the… What… What they called? "The Doctors"?
GAV
They're not… They don't fly!
STEVE
"The Doctors" in Australia?
GAV
They don't fly.
STEVE
Well, they going really quickly?
GAV
No.
STEVE
'Cos people say that's flying?
GAV
No.
STEVE
Like, "Oooh we're really flying now!"
LOG
Were they running the down the street with their arms outstretched?
GAV
No, they are… Their office was really high, like it was…
STEVE
That's it then.
GAV
It was genuinely one of the worst films I've ever seen in my life. It was a horrible, fucking, nasty, piece of shit and… so… We're still under… Err, I think I'm under NDA but I… I honestly don't care…
LOG
Is it… Is it like…
GAV
…because it's fucking horrible.
LOG
Because it's one the 80's things, is it like…
GAV
The thing is, I love The Sweeney. That's good though. Like, … But, it's more… It's more, like, basically the people who were in "Football Factory" - all those horrible characters in "The Football Factory", that everyone was, like, "Oh, it's so real!" Now, they're cops…
LOG
Ohhh.
GAV
…and they're doing cop things and they're, like, oh, like, "Plan B is in there for one. That's what you need to know".
STEVE
What?
GAV
Yeah, Plan B is in it. Ben Drew, that's his name now.
STEVE
Oh, so this is modern policemen?
GAV
Yeah, yeah.
STEVE
It's not like "Life on Mars" where everyone's quite cool.
GAV
No, no, no, no, no. They've redone it, so it's basically like the "Miami Vice" remake but done by cunts. Basically, what happens in it, is Ray Winston is the main Sweeney, I don't know. Like, he's the main guy in it.
LOG
If it's… he's top Sweene.
GAV
Yeah. You said… Errm, and he gets to fuck this amazing woman who just… And he talks to her like shit throughout the entire film, like, I know, like, negging is a very good tactic if you want to take a lady home, like, you know, being quite negative to them sometimes does work for some ladies, but…
STEVE
It's a good tactic, not morally good.
GAV
Oh yeah. No, no, it's horrible I mean like
STEVE
Effective?
GAV
Effective. Yeah. But, he says some things to her that I would just, like, "Really? That's made you want to go fuck him in the toilet?", like, and it's a horrible… It's a disgusting film, like, I hate it, errm, but Ray Winston's managed to fuck the lady who was in "Captain America" who the last person I saw she was under was Chris Evans, not the ginger one, "Captain America" Chris Evans…
STEVE
Mmmm.
GAV
…who is, I mean, gorgeous. He's probably one of the most beautiful men kids?
MATT
You're kind of treating her as if… as if she's a film entity. I mean, like, "Oh, how could she get with Captain America and now with Ray Winstone?"
GAV
If I was her, I would be thinking while I was under Chris Evans the other day, "Now I'm under this?" Like, he looks like, like, when the guy from Akira, like, breaks out into the big flab thing.
LOG
Yeah. "Oh, he's let himself go since Beowulf, hasn't he?"
GAV
Yeah, errm, so I've got some chat-up lines I thought I'd try out… try it on you. They're… These are pretty much verbatim from the film that he says to her.
STEVE
Right.
GAV
So, Log, I'll do you first.
LOG
I'm looking at you so…
GAV
Okay.
LOG
I am focusing on your big, beautiful face.
GAV
Thanks. "Al… Alright, you little cunt? I'm gonna stick my fist right up your little git! You havin' it?"
LOG
Up my little git?
MATT
Fist his cock?
LOG
Is that unlike my… my gitmo?
GAV
He says it in the film.
MATT
He says that?
GAV
So… He says "git".
LOG
"Up my little git"?
GAV
Yeah.
STEVE
"Git"?
LOG
"You having it?"
GAV
"You having it?"
LOG
Well, I… I'm assuming you meant her fanny? Have I got a fanny for the purposes of this?
GAV
No, you've got a bum. You've got what you've got, alright?
STEVE
It can only go in a bum.
LOG
I… I… I…
GAV
You can get a fist in a bum! I've seen a fist go in a bum.
STEVE
Oh, yeah. I'm not saying you can. I'm just saying that's the only option.
LOG
I'd get him into the taxi and then try to negotiate him down.
GAV
Unless I'm sticking my fist up your git, then this night has been an unsuccessful one. Steve? "Look at my big gun. I've got a bigger one on my fucking pants! Do you want to peep it with your stupid bitch face?"
LOG
"Peep it"?
STEVE
"Peep at it"
GAV
Yeah.
STEVE
Maybe.
GAV
Does that do anything for you?
STEVE
Errm.
LOG
Do you… Do you want to sneak a peek at my penis?
STEVE
Did he say.. He's got a… He's got a gun for a start?
GAV
Yeah.
STEVE
Is he pointing it at me?
GAV
I guess so.
STEVE
'Cos that'd be important. If someone's pointing a gun at me…
GAV
You know, he… he's got his gun out quite a lot. So he's got his gun out.
STEVE
But is he… Is he pointing it at me aggressively saying…
GAV
No, no, no, no, no, no.
STEVE
"Oh, look at my… look at my willy!"
GAV
He's more, like, shooting it in the air going "Argh!"
MATT
"Look at my willy! I've got a gun!"
STEVE
"I'll shoot you if you don't do it!"
GAV
Were you turned on by that?
STEVE
All of the… I've just got to look at it, don't I?
MATT
What?
GAV
It works a lot easier if you're in The Sweeney.
STEVE
And, I've heard…
MATT
He's got to let a fist go up his git! He's just got a… a gun.
STEVE
We already been talking about the downy… the downy fluff on your balls and I'm…
GAV
No, no, no. I'm… I'm "The Sweeney" now, not Gav.
STEVE
Oh!
LOG
I'd actually… What… I… As long as you could have a little conversation about exactly how big his gun… pant gun was…
STEVE
Yeah.
GAV
They don't have many conversations that, sort of, …
STEVE
Yeah. Oh, hang on.
GAV
…resulted in things being resolved.
STEVE
So, is it like a hand gun, right? It's a hand gun?
GAV
Yeah.
STEVE
So…
GAV
Well, at one point he was holding a shot gun. Alright Matt, I'm going to lay one on you. "Oi, darlin', you want a little monkey under your skirt? Course you fucking do, you slag!"
MATT
Well, I think you've answered your own question now, haven't you?
GAV
You opened your legs there and gestured towards your cock.
MATT
Well, well, I… I'm just get to business mode. Well, I think you answered your own there.
GAV
You do?
MATT
Of course I do.
GAV
'Cos you're a slag!
MATT
'Cos I'm a slag.
STEVE
I would have love… No! I… I really wish I had got that one, because I would love a monkey up my skirt.
GAV
Oh, really? You got another one. You got another one coming, don't worry. There's two more. There's two more. Log, this one's for you.
LOG
Hello?
GAV
"Listen, slut"…
LOG
"Come back for more, have you?"
GAV
Well, the… the first up your git didn't work, so…
STEVE
Is this… Okay so it's not the next day.
MATT
That you could woo him with something extra.
LOG
So my attempts to negotiate did work.
GAV
Maybe we're in the cab?
LOG
He's come crawling back!
GAV
Okay, we're in the… we're in the cab then, right? So you're in the… you're in the cab with me. I'm paying, then I break this little number out on you.
LOG
Oh, you're paying? Like that…
GAV
Mmmm.
LOG
Oh, okay. I'm much obliged to you now.
GAV
I'm "The Sweeney", I've got gold ingots that I stole in the first scene. Errm, "Listen, slut bag! I'm going to do"…
MATT
Yes!
LOG
Yes!
GAV
A thousand times, yes!
LOG
"Mister Darcy, I am undone!"
MATT
"You had me at slut bags!"
GAV
"Listen, slut bag! I'm going to do one right up in you like a kipper on a string. Write it down!"
LOG
"Write it down"!
STEVE
I looked down, Gav's scratching his balls as he, err, as he reads that chat-up line.
MATT
"Write it down"?
GAV
He keeps saying "write it down" in the film.
STEVE
I do like that.
GAV
He says it loads.
STEVE
That is… That's a good line - "Write it down!"
GAV
"Write it down!"
STEVE
I love that.
LOG
"I'm going to do one up you, like a kipper on a string"?
GAV
Yep.
LOG
That's… To be fair, that…
GAV
It's better than "fist in your git"!
STEVE
Wonderful tone of phrase.
LOG
"Like a kipper on a string"!
GAV
Are you?
LOG
Yeah, I'm with you.
GAV
Yeah?
LOG
I'm all… I'm in the way home.
GAV
Cha-ching! Well done, Sweeney. The Sweeney, well…
MATT
That's two people…
GAV
Two out of three.
MATT
That's two people in the cab. Can you get Steve home with the last one?
GAV
Ok, last… last one.
STEVE
I'm on… I'm on the sunroof.
GAV
Here we go. Here we go.
STEVE
I'm clutching to the roof of the car, refusing to come inside until The Sweeney gets out. I want to go home with my girls.
GAV
Okay. You're the… You're the left one out now. It's, like, … "Alright, you fucking mug! We're the fucking Sweeney and we haven't had our fucking rims licked. You're nicked!"
STEVE
See, that doesn't sound like a direct proposition to me.
LOG
Hang on, if you're nicked?
STEVE
Mmmm.
LOG
You're nicked for sex?
GAV
You're nicked, I think. You… I'm taking you home.
STEVE
Like arrested? I've been arrested?
GAV
You've been… Well, I guess…
STEVE
Well, I think my first port of call is the police station, not…
GAV
Where I'm going to rim you!
STEVE
…not your anus!
MATT
Steve! Jesus, like, come on, we had this, like, agreement.
GAV
You fucking fridge, Steve!
LOG
Don't be a fucking tool, Steve.
MATT
Don't be a killjoy.
LOG
Get with this. Get with The Sweeney.
STEVE
That… I was saying that wasn't a direct proposition. It was, like, …
MATT
"Oh, take me to the police station!" No!
STEVE
"We are The Sweeney who happened to not have had our rims licked…
MATT
We're gonna get stuff shoved up our gits by this sexy man.
STEVE
…And you're nicked"?
LOG
I'm going to gut you like a halibut, Steve, unless you come with us and get our gits licked.
MATT
Just come and get… get your git licked! Come on.
STEVE
I want a direct chat-up line.
GAV
That was… No, that was a sort… That was a sort of indirect chat-up line though, wasn't it? Like, in…
STEVE
"You're nicked?"
GAV
You were playing… You were playing hard to get from the first one, so I thought "Here we go".
STEVE
"You… You're arrested… You're arrested in the name of my love".
GAV
Sex!
MATT
Well…
STEVE
I would go for that.
MATT
Well, somebody's a prude.
GAV
You're nicked, mate.
STEVE
If you say "you're nicked" I am going to take it literally.
LOG
Well, someone's a fucking princess, aren't they?
GAV
Mmmm.
MATT
Come on, come on, Log.
STEVE
I…
MATT
Let's go and get some stuff shoved up our gits!
GAV
That's my review of "The Sweeney" - Five stars, well done.
• JINGLE •
"I did a Feature and I liked it"
• FEATURE •
"Murder On The Banter Express"
Written and Performed by
Matt Lees
★ Rate This Feature ★
MATT
Hello, welcome to Matt's Regular Feature. That's me, stealing, err, Steve's catchphrase, and it is "Murder On The Banter Express". Now, this is a short play, I actually really hate this banter and bantz but I've been so indoctrinated, …
LOG
I honest…
MATT
…spending time with Gavin, that I've become…
GAV
I hate it! I started saying it!
LOG
I only heard of it through Gavin.
MATT
Yeah, …
STEVE
Yeah.
MATT
…and I hate it.
GAV
It's horrible.
LOG
And meanwhile, the world is growing weary of bantz.
GAV
And mental for it.
STEVE
Anti-bantz!
LOG
Yeah.
GAV
I only started saying it as a joke and then…
LOG
No, …
MATT
No, Gav.
LOG
…because I didn't know it was a joke in the wider world before you started saying it.
GAV
Okay.
LOG
So, to me, it was new thing that seemed interesting.
GAV
You thought that I'd made it up?
LOG
Well, no. I knew that banter was a fucking word. I didn't realise it was used as a kind of lad… horror… horrific lad thing.
STEVE
Yeah.
GAV
It's disgusting.
STEVE
Mmmm.
MATT
Well, I think it's important to mention that we… we use it ironically.
STEVE
Yes.
LOG
Beautiful.
GAV
I'm not even sure anymore.
STEVE
No, I'm really not sure.
GAV
No, I'm not.
STEVE
I think… I think we used it sincerely now.
LOG
When I… When I yelled bantz out of a taxi window at a prostitute who's looking… I'm not going to finish that thought!
MATT
Good! Good! Good, because we don't use it sincerely.
LOG
We don't use it sincerely.
MATT
Ladies and gentlemen, without further adieu…
LOG
A Jew, you say?
MATT
No!
GAV
No!
STEVE
No!
LOG
Ohhh.
STEVE
Get it out.
MATT
Without further…
GAV
Mark it off!
MATT
…further await, I present "Murder On The Banter Express"
LOG
"All aboard the Banter Express!"
STEVE
"Come back soon Jeremy, I will miss you so!"
MATT
"Send my love to the children, and take good care of those marvellous tits!"
MATT
"So, I told them, quite firmly, that she could either whack those puppies out, or face a jolly long walk home!"
GAV
"Tickets please! Thank you sir, thank you. I am particularly interested in stamping your ticket sir."
LOG
"I beg your pardon? How dare you speak to speak to me in that fashion?"
GAV
"Ah, yes, I think you're in the wrong carriage mate. The rear four coaches split off at the last stop. This is direct service to Banterbry".
LOG
"Ohh, that got me right. I'd like to get off immediately!"
GAV
"I'd like to get off immediately too sir, preferably with your mother".
STEVE
"Stop the train! Stop the train! Someone's been fucking murdered!"
MATT
"Oh my gosh, she's fibbing right! Look at him in his white suite all covered in blood. It looks like a bloody used tampon!"
STEVE
"How could you say such a thing?"
MATT
"Oh calm down dear. It's early bants".
LOG
"This is police chief inspector detective from the US FBI police crime institute. If I could ask you all to remain calm and take a seat, we'll have this situation dealt with shortly".
MATT
"A man's dead, for fuck's sake, how are we supposed to calm down, you meaty slab of fuck-steak?"
LOG
"Sir, I'm gonna need to ask you to stop being a gay lord".
MATT
"Calm down, officer. It's only bantz!"
STEVE
"Could the passengers on the 04:47 direct service to Banterbry please note that the murder in carriage B is banter. I repeat, the murder in carriage B is banter."
GAV
"There you are, officer, just a bit of bantz mate. Time to put your cock away and sit the fuck down. Now, who would like a hot drink or sandwich?"
STEVE
"Well, a cup of tea might settle my nerves actually".
GAV
"Good idea, Sweet Cheeks. Put the kettle on!"
MATT
Well, that's the end of my feature and the end of this week's Regular Features. Do we have any last business? Any last business?
GAV
No.
LOG
Any…
GAV
Well, what a great episode! Bye everyone.
MATT
Thank you very much for coming. We appreciate your tender. Bye!
GAV
Bye!
LOG
And goodbye. I'm not being last saying goodbye this time. Bye!
STEVE
Ah, you just… Gav was… said it after me!
GAV
I already said… I already said bye.
STEVE
He already did it.
LOG
Fuck.
CLOSING CREDITS ROLL