Apes Invent Ego

5: Apes Invent Ego by Regular Features

Episode Call Sheet

Script

GAV
Hello, and welcome to Regular Features - the podcast that's the same every week. I'm Gav Murphy and I started going grey when I was eleven years old. I'm joined by Steve Hogarty.
STEVE
Err, I'm Steve and I really don't like ketchup.
MATT
Mmmm. He really doesn't actually, I've noticed. He… He doesn't like having it near him. I'm Matt Lees and err… I've got a real problem with my shower at the moment - getting the landlord to sort it out but it's causing leakage, I'm worried the whole kitchen is going to collapse.
GAV
Mmmm.
• JINGLE •
"Instrumental - Electric Guitar"
• FEATURE •
"Steve's Things That I Didn't Understand About The Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes"
Written and Performed by
Steve Hogarty
★ Rate This Feature ★
STEVE
It's time for my Regular Feature - "Steve's Things That I Didn't Understand About The Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes" which is a film that I saw at the cinema.
GAV
Shall we take if for granted that, I mean… people who haven't seen this film…
STEVE
I'm going to tell you the ending.
MATT
Right so if you… if you haven't seen this film and then you might want to skip ahead a bit so you don't spoil the ending unless you're me 'cos I'm just going to have to sit here and listen to it.
GAV
Are you serious, you haven't seen the film?
MATT
Haven't seen the film.
GAV
Oh, gutted!
STEVE
Haven't seen it? Well, you… you told me that you…
GAV
What other films haven't you seen? And I'm doing features…
MATT
Oh, no!
GAV
…on all of those films! That's all my features are going to be about.
MATT
Oh, no. I've… I've seen…
GAV
"Stuff I'm Going to Fuck Up For Matt"!
MATT
It's really not much point. I've seen most films, so just don't bother mate.
GAV
All of them, except Rise of Planet of the Apes.
MATT
No, it's fine, it's fine. I don't mind. I probably won't watch it anyway. It's got monkeys in it.
STEVE
Okay, here's the first I didn't understand about The Rise of the Planet of the Apes. They're… They make… They're making a cure for Alzheimer's but how come the cure for Alzheimer's doesn't cure Alzheimer's, it… it kills the bloke from "Third Rock From The Sun"? But… And, also, it makes monkeys like, super clever, and kills people. That's…
MATT
That's a bad… I mean, I haven't seen the film…
STEVE
That's a bad drug.
MATT
…but that sounds like a really bad drug.
STEVE
Yeah.
GAV
If you're meant to be doing something as your job, so, like, right, so your job is to cure Alzheimer's, that you end up doing all this stuff…
STEVE
Yeah.
GAV
…you haven't done really a… done a good job of it.
STEVE
It's all… They've left him alone in this room…
MATT
It's procrastinating, really.
GAV
Yeah.
STEVE
They say "Okay, come up with a cure for Alzheimer's"…
GAV
"Alright, yeah, I could do that".
STEVE
…'cos Becky's got, like, hyper-intelligent monkeys and a dead dad.
MATT
"How you getting on… How you getting on with that cure for Alzheimer's?"
GAV
"No, look at this monkey! Look at this! Climbing ape trees!"
STEVE
"I've got a baby monkey!"
MATT
"A very clever monkey!"
GAV
Errm, no. I… I… Yeah, that is… That is… He doesn't… He doesn't seem to be on point quite a lot of the time.
MATT
It's… It's bar, but…
GAV
Also, it… Didn't they think there was a little bit of a, errm, a… a little bit, sort of, err, I don't know, clash of things? It's, like, "Yeah, I'm going to be working on, errm, cure for Alzheimer's". "Doesn't your dad have Alzheimer's?" "Yeah, yeah. It's nothing to do with that though. It's… Errm… But… But…"
STEVE
"Stop trying to make it personal".
GAV
Yeah. "So, basically, you want to cure your dad?" "No! Alzheimer's in general, Alzheimer's in general".
MATT
"Nothing to do with my dad".
GAV
Yeah.
MATT
This is just a…
GAV
Did his dad have Alzheimer's before he started on the project? This is what we don't know.
STEVE
That's… Yeah, we don't know.
GAV
So when the…
MATT
Well, I'd just like to…
GAV
…when the prequel to "Rise of the Planet of the Apes" comes out, "The Rise of the Rise of the Planet of the Apes", then we'll find out what was going on before.
MATT
Just start, errm… I'd add a little bit of… of actual real stuff in it, right?
GAV
Yeah.
MATT
This is… This might be interesting. It might not be funny but it's interesting.
GAV
Okay.
MATT
I learnt this 'cos I studied scientific head stuff for three years at university, right? Bad drugs, yeah? That's maybe what's happened, right? That happens all the time, you know? There was a drug they made, but they had morphine. They were giving morphine to everyone in hospitals and everyone was, like, "Oooh, this is nice, feel warm inside" and that, and "I can't feel my… the fact that my legs are gone".
GAV
It turned out it was monkey piss!
MATT
No, right, they tried to make… They done it before. They done it before, right? It was either paracetamol or aspirin. I cannot remember, but they did something to their drugs to it wouldn't be addictive 'cos it used to be addictive, either paracetamol, or I'm a rubbish scientist, but they did something and it was, like, "Wicked! We've made a non-addictive version!" They did…
GAV
Yeah.
MATT
…exactly the same process with morphine, and guess what they made?
GAV
Heroin!
MATT
Heroin, yes! True story, true story.
STEVE
That's…
GAV
That's well addictive though.
MATT
It's pretty bleak, innit? Carry on.
STEVE
Was it… Is… That's not one of the things I didn't understand about the "Rise of the Planet of the Apes"…
MATT
Sorry, yeah.
STEVE
…so, let me continue.
GAV
I… I… I… I also don't understand how they want them.
STEVE
Errm, okay. Is one of the symptoms of Alzheimer's really not being able to play the piano very well but still trying?
GAV
Well, no. I… I mean, I… I guess so. But, I mean, I took from that that he's a really good pianist, which didn't come up other than the fact that they had a piano in their house.
STEVE
Yeah, but he's, like, 'cos they introduce him but you hear, like, bad piano playing going "Oh, he's got a… He's got a kid learning to play the piano" and you go…
GAV
Oh, yeah.
STEVE
…and it's actually himself. And now, this… Another thing is, if you ever learn to play the piano…
GAV
Yes.
STEVE
…errm, which I have done. I've attempted to learn to play it.
MATT
Don't blow your own trumpet too much!
STEVE
No. I never…
MATT
You might run out of, err, trumpet juice!
STEVE
…I never completed the learning process.
MATT
Oh, alright, yeah.
STEVE
So, I'm not… I… I'm not a very good piano player, but I know what bad piano playing sounds like…
GAV
Yeah.
MATT
Alright.
STEVE
And it was…
GAV
And that was just…
STEVE
…It… Yeah.
GAV
…bad notes and stuff.
STEVE
It's, like, someone who knows to play the piano deliberately just going "and now I press the wrong key here, and I press the wrong"… That's not how bad piano playing sounds.
MATT
Oh.
GAV
Yeah.
MATT
Bit of an expert playing pianist.
GAV
No, but he was just forgetting notes, wasn't he? He was just going "I know this song. This is that song that… Oooo, I've forgotten that note! Murrh!"
STEVE
Yeah, but you get…
GAV
That's Alzheimer's.
STEVE
You don't go "I'll just give it a go! I'm just gonna… It's probably this one. I'm just going to give it a go. I've forgotten what this key sounds like".
MATT
That's Alzheimer's! But did you actually do any research into Alzheimer's before writing this, just out of interest? I don't know anything about it, but maybe that is genuinely what people do, they forget what even… Maybe they forget what a piano is and they just start poking it?
STEVE
I'm sure you… It's…
GAV
Well, there's a point in…
STEVE
…very likely that you…
MATT
Mmmm.
STEVE
…that you lose the ability to play the piano.
GAV
I… I think, if you've got Alzheimer's, forgetting how to play the piano will probably be the last of your worries, if I'm honest! "Oh no, I've just shit in my hands, and now I'm rubbing it on my face!"
MATT
That's not what Alzheimer's does!
• JINGLE •
"Next"
• FEATURE •
"Did Star Trek Really Invent That?"
Written and Performed by
Gav Murphy
★ Rate This Feature ★
GAV
Okay, so my Regular Feature is called "Did Star Trek Really Invent That?" Err, which is inspired by an article I read the other day which, err, was going on about things that Star Trek has that hadn't been invented at that point and it's just loads of stuff like the cell phone.
MATT
Mmmm.
STEVE
Oh, of course.
GAV
Yeah, the cell phone. Err, GPS 'cos they could triangulate where people were all the time.
STEVE
Right.
GAV
That's another thing they invented that hadn't been invented yet, but it is invented now.
STEVE
But, hang on, they don't call it GPS?
GAV
No, they call it, errm… It's the… thing.
STEVE
The…
MATT
You've not researched this…
STEVE
The… The tran…
GAV
I have!
STEVE
The transporter?
GAV
The transporter thing, yeah. I mean, we can't transport people but we can triangulate people where they are.
MATT
What?
STEVE
Hang on…
MATT
So, you're saying that the transporter is like GPS?
GAV
Yeah.
STEVE
Star Trek didn't invent the idea of locating people.
GAV
No, but they could actually… Oh, also… Let's forget this one! The personal computer? People had personal computers in Star Trek.
MATT
Right.
GAV
The tablet? If you look at Star Trek Next Generation…
MATT
I can feel this one falling away like a wet paper bag!
GAV
Also, I didn't write this article! It was just… There were just the launchpad for my thing!
STEVE
Okay.
MATT
Right, it's fine, it's fine.
GAV
Anyway, so… So, basically, where I went from that was, errm, "things that famous people have invented or in the past that we didn't know they'd invented".
MATT
Okay.
STEVE
Oh, it's like when they broke into Edison's basement, they found he had an iPad2?
GAV
Yeah. It's exactly like that. Which… That was number five on my list so, fuck you, Steve. You've just wrecked that bit!
• JINGLE •
"Next"
• FEATURE •
"Matt Lees's Amazing Matt Lees Quiz"
Written and Performed by
Matt Lees
★ Rate This Feature ★
MATT
Alright, well now it's time for, errm, my Regular Feature, errm, and my Regular Feature this week, as it is every week, is "Matt Lees's Amazing Matt Lees Quiz". Basically, it's a case of, errm, that… Who… Who knows the most about me and, err, it's… it's… it's a fun quiz and I think we can all enjoy…
STEVE
Mmmm.
MATT
…and… and take advantage of me. Errm, right. The gift of Matt Lees was bestowed upon the world in the year of 1985, but was he either A) born on a bathroom floor? B) born in a manger with gifts and shepherds and shit? Or, C) born in a military hospital and delivered by an army lieutenant?
GAV
C.
STEVE
I know… I know the answer and it is indeed C. Matt was delivered by a lieutenant.
MATT
That is a weird fact, but it is true.
GAV
So, I get a point though, yeah?
MATT
You both get a point.
GAV
Well… No, hang on.
STEVE
Well, I wasn't copying your answer, Gav!
MATT
It's not a speed quiz! It's just a…
STEVE
It's literally how he introduced himself to me. It's, like, "Hey, I am Matt Lees. I was delivered by a lieutenant!"
MATT
Yep, that's how I… I introduce myself to everyone. So that was a trick question really, because you should have known that and if you didn't I was going to not speak to you ever again.
GAV
Is that a real thing?
STEVE
Right.
MATT
That's a real thing. I don't know why, and…
STEVE
Was he…
MATT
…it's weird 'cos I've grown up to be a complete fucking nutter.
STEVE
Was he, like, he dressed in a… in, like… I imagine, like, in… in full…
MATT
It was a woman, you sexist bastard!
STEVE
What? Women aren't allowed in the army!
GAV
Was there, like, was Samuel L. Jackson on the beach going "They call me Mr Glass!"?
MATT
The thing is, it's…
GAV
Waiting for you going "They call me Mr Glass! I've been waiting for you!"
MATT
"I crashed some trains, and shit!"
STEVE
Anyway, that was, err, that was Regular Features.
MATT
And this is what happens when Log isn't here.
STEVE
Bye.
MATT
Bye!
GAV
See you, guys.
CLOSING CREDITS ROLL