Episode Flipping Fifty

50: Episode Flipping Fifty by Regular Features

Episode Call Sheet

Cast Member Feature Being Performed
Gav Murphy "Fake Alexis Silver"
Matt Lees "The Pogues/Kirsty McColl's Death/Christmas Songs"
Steve Hogarty "Tweeting The Pope"
Jon "Log" Blyth "The Bum Messiah Festive Script/Name That Festive Trump-ophone Song"

Script

MATT
Regular Features, episode fifty!
LOG
Oh, for fuck's sake, it's only a number. It's not like we've done anything special for it.
GAV
You say that it's only a number, but I've generally had a bit of a fear in me, and it seems that we all collectively have.
MATT
Yeah.
GAV
Nobody really want… we… we've put off… we've put it off fucking enough times!
MATT
Yeah.
STEVE
Well, the thing is, technically, this is episode, like, fifty-five, 'cos we've… we've chucked some away, err, we've accidentally lost a few.
LOG
Some haven't registered at all.
STEVE
With a toilet brush! Oh, well what a party that was.
MATT
That's good.
LOG
Yeah, yeah.
MATT
Whoo!
• JINGLE •
"Regular Features Mexican Style"
• FEATURE •
"Fake Alexis Silver"
Written and Performed by
Gav Murphy
★ Rate This Feature ★
GAV
So, I like porn. Do you?
MATT
Oh Gav, is this a Feature about how…
GAV
Oh, we're doing Features? Whey!
MATT
…how much you like porn? Eh?
GAV
Errm…
MATT
I think you might have done one of these before.
GAV
I've do a lot of these.
STEVE
Several features about how much you like porn!
MATT
"Welcome to Gav's Porn Corner!"
GAV
And this is the best thing I got in all forty of them. "Bitch, I know what hibernation is!"
• JINGLE •
"It is time for the next Regular Feature"
• FEATURE •
"The Pogues/Kirsty McColl's Death/Christmas Songs"
Written and Performed by
Matt Lees
★ Rate This Feature ★
MATT
Now it's time for Matt's Regular Feature. Errm, I really hate The Pogues. I fucking hate The Pogues. I fucking…
GAV
Like, in general, or "Fairy Tale in New York"?
MATT
…fucking hate… Well, I… To be honest, I haven't really heard much of their stuff apart of "Fairy Tale of New York" which I've heard more times than any human should have to hear…
GAV
Yeah.
MATT
…and it annoys me because I… I'm generally not a terribly festive person, to be honest. I just find it hard to get into the mood. I don't try very hard admittedly.
GAV
Why… Why aren't you festive?
MATT
I don't know, I just don't… I don't feel it that often, but I hate it when that song comes on and I just go "Oh, I fucking hate this song and suddenly I'm Scrooge, and it's, like, no, I've just… I just music-tastely don't like this cheese.
STEVE
I know. I… I like… I like that song. I like it.
LOG
Just…
GAV
Only because… bloody, fucking Irish…
LOG
There's nothing…
GAV
…It's got Irish links to it. In fairness, I don't hate… I… I do hate the song but I hate more people going "Oh, it's… This is my favourite Christmas song!" Yeah, it's so fucking edgy!
MATT
No, who needs music when you have shouting, and that's of course…
GAV
That's better than The Pogues.
MATT
Better than The Pogues.
• JINGLE •
"Oh, hello. Would you like another feature?"
• FEATURE •
"Tweeting The Pope"
Written and Performed by
Steve Hogarty
★ Rate This Feature ★
STEVE
Hello.
GAV
Hi.
LOG
Hi, Steve.
STEVE
Errm…
GAV
What's up, dog?
MATT
Hey.
GAV
How you living, girl?
STEVE
I'm good.
MATT
This is an open circle. Just free… feel free to talk about whatever you want.
STEVE
Oh, I'm not good. I'll tell you why I'm not good. People are being mean to me on Twitter.
MATT
Ohh, no!
LOG
What?
GAV
But you get enough fucking people being nice to you, you gotta come in.
MATT
Yeah.
LOG
Yeah. "Award-winning Tweeter, Steve Hogarcar"!
MATT
"All the awards have stopped turning up at my door now!"
GAV
He's got his award with him in his lap! He's stroking it like it's a cat. It's not a fucking cat!
MATT
You're not the…
GAV
You've drawn a picture on it and it's not face.
MATT
You're not Blofeld!
LOG
It's Perspex so I can see his erect member.
GAV
Oh, right. Okay, that looks like a cat.
STEVE
I have drawn a face on that as well.
MATT
How do you do that?
STEVE
So… So the Pope has joined Twitter. Errm…
GAV
He loves it, doesn't he?
STEVE
Everyone's… No, he's done seven Tweets at the time of…
LOG
And he follows seven people - seven other Popes.
GAV
Yeah.
LOG
Yeah.
STEVE
Seven versions of himself speaking in a different language…
GAV
God.
STEVE
…which I'm sure is a metaphor for something.
MATT
I think it's just a bit arrogant, really.
STEVE
Yeah.
MATT
"Only follow alternative languages of myself".
• JINGLE •
"Regular Features, Regular Features, what is the feature coming next? Let us see. - Version 1"
• FEATURE •
"The Bum Messiah Festive Script/Name That Festive Trump-ophone Song"
Written and Performed by
Jon "Log" Blyth
★ Rate This Feature ★
LOG
And now it's my time… Now it's my ties… for my Regular Feature. Everyone take a drink!
GAV
Whey!
MATT
"Her name was Lola, she was a show-girl!"
STEVE
I love this Feature!
LOG
"It's a party in my house, and everyone's"…
GAV
"Goodnight, everyone!"
LOG
…"coming!" So this is a… It's coming up to Christmas, as you know, and like every gay man I choose only to be around people I want to have sex with…
GAV
Yes!
LOG
…and I… And you might…
GAV
That means you want to fuck us!
LOG
You might think…
GAV
High five.
LOG
…that you're my friends and that I get on with you at any level other than wanting to eventually have sex with you, but that's not the case.
MATT
Oh.
LOG
And so, I've written a short and festive script that might, maybe realise my…
MATT
Get the jist?
LOG
…maybe sort of just make… We've been doing this podcast for over a year now and…
MATT
Yeah.
LOG
…basically…
GAV
And we haven't got it out!
LOG
…I'm trying to get it to the point where we're all fucking on this table.
MATT
Trying to cash those chips in?
GAV
Steve said if we had Gav in the podcast, he'd suck me off, and he hasn't sucked me off, and it's episode fifty! When is he going to fucking suck me off?
MATT
So, if in retrospect, you realise that when we're at the party we all looked awkward and really didn’t want to spend a lot of time with each other…
GAV
It's cos we did suck him off.
MATT
It's cos we did suck everyone off.
GAV
Okay.
• JINGLE •
"And I just thought it might be nice if we could listen to some Regular Features"
CLOSING CREDITS ROLL