We're Sorry Your Postcard Was Stolen

6: We're Sorry Your Postcard Was Stolen by Regular Features

Episode Call Sheet

Script

LOG
Hello, and welcome to Regular Features. My name's Jon Blyth and everyone calls me Log except you!
STEVE
[Belch]
LOG
That's Steve Hogarty. He just done a burp!
STEVE
Hello.
GAV
Hello, I'm Gav. I'm not doing… doing a burp and you can call me whatever you want.
LOG
Ooh, he's a timid one!
MATT
I'm err… I'm called Matt, and err… I'm not going to do a burp either, but some people call me Matt Lees.
STEVE
Could you edit out the… the three second silence before I burped because I was really straining to burp during those three seconds.
MATT
Yeah, yeah. Actually, that's going to make it really odd because we're not going to edit this bit out, errm… but there won't be a gap.
STEVE
Leave the gap in.
MATT
No, because…
STEVE
But my request to edit…
LOG
But then this bit'll make no sense!
MATT
Something will happen!
• JINGLE •
"Instrumental - Flute"
MATT
That's where the jingle goes.
LOG
That's the jingle goes "Regular Features!" And now, clap!
MATT
Anyway, shall I start my first feature? Errm, well, before I start… I was just gonna start my Feature, but before, errm, I think, errm, Gavin's just got something he wants to apologise about. I noticed you've dropped your letter on the floor.
LOG
What is it, Gav? What have you done now?
GAV
I don't know!
MATT
But, err, yeah, Gav's… Gav's written a letter of apology that he just wants to read out before we start.
GAV
"Dear Matt, I apologise. Last week you went on holiday for a week - a well-deserved break for such a brutally overworked and devastatingly sexy man like yourself. Whilst you were gone, it was my responsibility to edit and upload episode five of Regular Features, a task that I failed to complete despite having full access to computer technology, fingers, and apparently wide variety of media-editing skills. I've let you down both personally and professionally and can do nothing to make things right, other than to say sorry five times. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. As soon as you left, everything fell apart and I failed to pick up the pieces. It's entirely my fault and I take full responsibility. Obviously, it wouldn't have been fair to expect anyone else to pick up such a weighty mantle. Steve's problematic brain jazz leaves him incapable to daily functions, and Log's dainty hands aren't fit for such a job. I've"…
LOG
They are like chopsticks.
GAV
…"I've let you down, I've let Regular Features down and I've let the readers down. Most of all though, I've let you down. Yours sincerely, Magic Gav. Kiss, kiss, kiss".
LOG
Sometimes…
MATT
Well, thank you very much.
LOG
Sometimes, sorry five times isn't enough.
MATT
Yeah, I mean, it didn't sound very sincere, but I appreciate that you've, err, you've made the effort to apologise.
LOG
Do you remember in episode two, Gav? Episode two! Such a long time ago, but it was you that fucked that up as well, wasn't it?
MATT
Yeah, yeah.
LOG
You prick.
GAV
Yeah, yeah. That's my… That's my thing. It's my thing. It's… I'm the kooky one that breaks everything.
MATT
Yeah, apology accepted, Gav. I real…
STEVE
I'm going to be fine once…
MATT
Thank you for writing that.
STEVE
I mean once… one… once Gav eventually has, like, a funny Feature to add, he's going to redeem himself so…
LOG
Yeah.
MATT
Yeah.
STEVE
…that will… that might happen soon.
MATT
You think?
LOG
There's a lot riding on this one, …
MATT
One day.
LOG
…episode six - the difficult episode.
GAV
I didn't know this is going to be like this.
• FEATURE •
"Matt's Portugal Holiday Postcards"
Written and Performed by
Matt Lees
★ Rate This Feature ★
MATT
But, anyway, as you mentioned, yeah, I was on holiday, err, last week and whilst I was away I wrote, errm, everyone on the team some… some lovely postcards. I hope you… Have you got all your postcards with you?
GAV
I brought mine in.
MATT
Oh, fantastic. Well, I thought… I thought rather than me talking about being on holiday, you could each read the postcards that I sent.
STEVE
I've got the postcard which is a picture of your nipple…
MATT
Yeah.
STEVE
…in, like, extreme close-up, so it resembles a Martian landscape!
MATT
I had to get that made. You know, you can… you can get them made on the fly. It's very expensive. It cost me twenty Euros for that one.
STEVE
You need an electron microscope, I believe.
LOG
Well, did you have a nice time in Portugal with your…
MATT
Well, I… Yeah, no, actually, yeah, I did have… I had a lovely time in Portugal. Errm, I swam in the sea. It was a bit of a nightmare 'cos my girlfriend likes doing things and I… I didn't want to do anything. I just wanted to sit on a beach and read a book.
LOG
That's enough, thank you. Next Feature.
• JINGLE •
"Next"
• FEATURE •
"Things That I've Learnt About Scary Films From The Film Insidious"
Written and Performed by
Gav Murphy
★ Rate This Feature ★
GAV
Well, this week, I thought I'd do my Regular Feature which is, err, "Things That I've Learnt About Scary Films From The Film Insidious". Err, none of you have seen the film "Insidious" I believe?
MATT
Are you going to spoil another film for me, Gav?
LOG
I've… I've not even seen a poster for it.
GAV
It's fucking brilliant! You haven't seen the poster? But the poster's everywhere - it's got kid with…
LOG
Oh, yeah. I saw that.
GAV
… things coming out of his eyes. Yeah, yeah.
MATT
I thought it had been defaced. I saw it on, err…
GAV
Yeah, yeah.
MATT
It looks like somebody's…
GAV
It's… It's meant… It's meant to look like that…
MATT
Yeah.
GAV
…I found out today.
LOG
Dragging her wormy arse down the hill!
MATT
Just because I hadn't paid any attention to it, it's just… it's just a fantastic bottom.
LOG
Mmmm.
• JINGLE •
"Last Number Redial"
• FEATURE •
"An Intriguing Biccy Mystery Whodunnit"
Written and Performed by
Jon "Log" Blyth
★ Rate This Feature ★
LOG
Well, it's my Feature then now, is it?
MATT
Yeah.
GAV
Yes.
LOG
Well, mine Feature is a… a creepy… Is it creepy? Not really.
STEVE
Is it a creepy?
LOG
It's a… It's an intriguing whodunnit…
STEVE
Mmmm.
MATT
Ooooh.
LOG
…and rather than explain to you the premise of the whodunnit, I will pass you all the script and we shall read from't, and maybe we can get to the bottom of this sticky mystery.
GAV
I hope so.
STEVE
"Sticky", …
MATT
Ooooh!
STEVE
…or should he say "biccy"?
LOG
Biccy mystery!
MATT
Does it involve biscuits?
LOG
Spoil… Spoiler alert, Steve!
MATT
Oh, fucking spoilers.
STEVE
It's very… It's in the first fucking line!
MATT
First the monkey, now the biscuit.
LOG
"Good evening. I've gathered you here today because someone has given my mum a biscuit. My mum is not allowed biscuits. Which one of you cunts put a biscuit in her?"
GAV
"Well, I haven't got any biscuits on me, you colossal cunt-thoard.
LOG
Cunt-thoard is actually pronounced cunt-hoard!
GAV
No! I want…
LOG
Like, it's a hoard of cunts that you keep in a treasure chest.
GAV
No, I wanted to… I wanted to say thoard.
STEVE
That was the original pronunciation of it…
GAV
Yeah.
STEVE
…but it's… it's become such…
MATT
It's evolved, yeah.
STEVE
…part of the vernacular that it's pronounced…
LOG
Cunt-throard!
STEVE
…cunt-thor… cunt-thorpe now.
GAV
I wanted to say cunt-thoard!
MATT
Like Thorpe Park?
GAV
Cunt-thoard! Sounds like it could be your name.
LOG
You… You forgot that it was hastily written in the ten minutes before we sat down here.
GAV
That's a genuine thing that happened. I was, like, "Oh, shit. Oh, no, wait. It's… It's not real".
MATT
It's not real.
STEVE
Is it…
LOG
"Final Feature".
STEVE
"Now it is time for the final Feature".
• JINGLE •
"It is time for the next Regular Feature"
• FEATURE •
"Steve Tells A Story About The Time He Saw A Woman In M&S Who Didn't Accept A Convenient Discount From The Cashier"
Written and Performed by
Steve Hogarty
★ Rate This Feature ★
STEVE
And now it's time for Steve's Regular Feature, "Steve Tells A Story About The Time He Saw A Woman In M&S Who Didn't Accept A Convenient Discount From The Cashier".
LOG
Oh, I like what you done here.
MATT
How does that work?
STEVE
Oh, my letter to the Pope!
GAV
Now you've gotta send that.
LOG
Oh, sealed with a kiss!
STEVE
What we'll do is…
GAV
"See you soon!"
STEVE
…I'll type this up in letter-format and we'll… we'll… we'll post it on the blog.
MATT
Okay.
STEVE
Err, I think that's the end of the podcast?
MATT
Well, yeah, yeah. Errm…
STEVE
Thank you for listening.
LOG
See you in the week!
MATT
See ya, bye!
GAV
Thanks.
• JINGLE •
"Instrumental - Piano"
LOG
"It's what defines me. If there's one thing I, Matt Lees, want to be remembered for, and if there's any audio clip that needs isolating and playing at my funeral while my corpse is swung around on wires like Peter Pan"…
GAV
It's quite… Yeah.
LOG
It's a long line, isn't it?
CLOSING CREDITS ROLL