The Jaws Of Danielle Steel

Log tries to find sexy bits in a Danielle Steel novel, and Gav is appalled that the Jaws novelisation he bought on eBay appears to be aimed at the educationally subnormal. Were you expecting the live podcast? Tough. That's next week, screw you.

Episode Call Sheet

Cast Member Feature Being Performed
Jon "Log" Blyth "Catherine Cookson or Noel Fielding's Luxury Comedy?"
Gav Murphy "Jaws Novelization Activities"

Script

STEVE
Hello, and welcome to episode sixty of Regular Features.
LOG
Sixty!
STEVE
I started off loud and I'm getting progressively quieter.
GAV
Good luck whoever edits this, Gav.
STEVE
My name is Steve Hogarty and I'm sitting in a room with…
LOG
Me, Jonathan Blyth.
STEVE
and…
GAV
Me, Gavin Murphy. Hurray. Hi.
LOG
It's good to be here again.
STEVE
I've just watched the episode of "Quantum Leap" where Sam jumps into the body of a soldier returning from Japan after World War Two…
GAV
Nice.
STEVE
…and he has a Japanese wife but his mum doesn't like the Japanese wife…
GAV
Oh.
STEVE
…and he needs to make his mum accept the Japanese wife before he can leap.
LOG
Because she will go on to give birth to Dwight Eisenhower or something?
GAV
That's the thing - I always like 'em when they're, like,… Maybe we should save this actually but, I always like 'em when they have, like, a… like, a really over… I think you said, like, with the first episode, it's, like, it ends up being what you said - it ends up being the… the woman who… the guy who hates the bleep thing…
STEVE
Yeah, yeah.
GAV
…and ends up being a woman who loves the thing.
STEVE
Well, the thing about "Quantum Leap" is that it's, errm, it's, like, all the changes that he's making…
LOG
That's a really confusing summary of a series!
GAV
Yeah, I know!
STEVE
No one knows what that episode's about.
GAV
I was confused when I was saying it.
STEVE
But the changes that he makes are always really small and have no… no major impact on… on… on things and that's what the Quantum Leap programme… the military elite were getting quite upset at the fact that he wasn't using his time travelling abilities to affect greater change for America's…
GAV
Mmmm.
STEVE
…errm, err, circumstances in the future.
LOG
I do… I… I mem… I remember this… I… I member it well!
STEVE
Member? "I member it well"!
LOG
I mem… I member it so well, it's taken up vital bits of language!
GAV
I guess you're older than us so, like, our "Game of Thrones" is like your "Quantum Leap"?
LOG
Yeah, that and "The Goon Show"!
GAV
"Bill and Ben"! "Watch With Mother" - that's what you watched!
LOG
Well, we can…
GAV
We watch "Mad Men".
STEVE
Bring on the jingle
• JINGLE •
"Choking"
• FEATURE •
"Catherine Cookson or Noel Fielding's Luxury Comedy?"
Written and Performed by
Jon "Log" Blyth
★ Rate This Feature ★
LOG
Well, it's time for my Regular Feature; I say with all the solemnity of a man who knows his Feature is not up to par.
STEVE
It's so much…
GAV
Don't say that, 'cos I bet it's… You emailed me this twice now saying that "Oh, it's shit, Gav".
LOG
Well yeah, I emailed you the concept.
STEVE
You sent me "Google Hangout" messages saying you're so excited about the Feature that you're going to do.
LOG
Well, maybe the readers will decide whether I'm telling the truth or you are? I have been reading, or trying to read, a Catherine Cookson novel called "Lone Eagle". It's a book that I have not managed to get through a single paragraph of, because it makes me cross.
GAV
Is Catherine Cookson like Danielle Steele? Same sort of, like, …
LOG
Hang on.
GAV
…soft core porn?
LOG
I might have to go back and find out whether it is actually Danielle Steele or Maeve Binchy - all these stupid, stupid women…
STEVE
Maeve Binchy!
GAV
Yeah.
LOG
…just…
GAV
"Mills & Boon"!
STEVE
"Stupid women, stop writing books"!
LOG
Yeah, leave it to Stephen King…
GAV
I think it is Danielle Steele.
LOG
…and Clive Barker! They know their way around a dictionary, you stupid birds!
STEVE
Good manly names as well.
GAV
I remember…
LOG
Yeah.
GAV
I remember being on holidays with my parents before and there was a library in the hotel and it was such a fucking boring holiday but "It" by Stephen King was in there and there's a lot of sex scenes in it and I remember just going into the toilet and wanking to one of the scenes!
LOG
Oh you what?
GAV
Yeah.
LOG
But don't all the sex scenes in that end in… No I'm thinking of James Herbert!
STEVE
Clowns?
LOG
Sex scenes end… A clown slowly appearing over a precipice!
GAV
Luckily, that's my thing so it all worked out and was the best holiday ever.
LOG
They were kids!
GAV
No, not the… not…
LOG
Oh, they were adults, weren't they?
GAV
Yeah, yeah. They were adults going back.
LOG
They kept jumping between them
GAV
Yeah, yeah.
STEVE
Yeah.
LOG
Basically, I've been reading this book, it's called "Lone Eagle", and it's… I have no idea what it's about, but here's a sample paragraph before I go into the game which you can play.
STEVE
Yes
GAV
Amazing.
LOG
"Reed was two and a half months old in May when Andy came home from work one night, looking excited. He had been named to be a part of a commission going to Germany to hear testimony in the ongoing war trials"…
GAV
Is this a sex book?
LOG
No, I thought so. It's not, it's about war trials!
STEVE
It's not like "Fifty Shades of Grey"?
LOG
I've… I've tried looking for bits that looked like they were about to get sexy and you're gonna see where that ends up! "They had been going on for quite some time", the war trials, "and lawyers of varying spec…
GAV
You added that "war trials"!
LOG
Well I did because it had been a break between…
GAV
Okay.
LOG
…explaining…
STEVE
That's true.
LOG
…what they were about. I was just keeping the readers up to scratch.
GAV
I… I thought it was too funny. It was, like, "They'd been going on for quite a while, the war trials"!
STEVE
"Those war trials"!
LOG
This… This next line is the bit that gets us, like, and…
STEVE
You were doing… You were doing the reading voice when you were actually trying to explain…
GAV
Oh.
LOG
Well, I… I…
STEVE
"This next line"…
LOG
Oh Gav. "And lawyers of varying specialties were being recruited for several months each". It's like you can't be arsed to fucking research your book, woman! What… What kind of lawyers do you need in a war trial and how many months are they gone?
STEVE
There's probably a lawyer involved.
GAV
There's loads of them.
LOG
"Andy have been getting various kinds of legal experience". What kinds of legal experience, you hag?
GAV
That's brilliant
STEVE
The one that you need for a war trial, they don't know.
LOG
And anyway, he… he was thrilled to be going to the war trial. So basically…
STEVE
He was thrilled?
LOG
Yeah, he always thought it was a great honour for a man in his position who'd…
GAV
Oh, okay.
LOG
…been studying and getting various kinds of legal experience with his father's law firm to be actually sent off to a, what amounts to, the biggest kind of trial there is - a war trial.
STEVE
Yeah.
GAV
Yeah, it's…
LOG
Name one bigger trial?
STEVE
Space trial.
LOG
Space trials, yes. Gav, can you…
STEVE
When hu… humanity's on trial for, err, it's crimes, by the Q Continuum.
LOG
Gav, do I hear multiverse crimes from you?
GAV
Planets on planet crimes?
LOG
Planet on… Hate… Planet hate crimes? Yes, I'll accept that.
STEVE
That is pretty big, and Gav wins.
LOG
Okay. Because I've now given you a sample of that…
GAV
Okay.
LOG
…I'm now going to test you and see when you think this next snippet, or excerpt, …
GAV
For you bookies out there!
LOG
…stops being Catherine Cookson, and starts being an episode of "Noel Fielding's Luxury Comedy". Call-back!
STEVE
Nice.
LOG
"It seemed to Kate these days that an incredible number of people she knew had died. It was devastating. A number of boys she met at Harvard and MIT in the last pupple of years"… Last pupple of years? …"had"…
GAV
Noel Fielding!
LOG
No, you're not. Oh.
STEVE
Puppy! It's a puppy of years.
LOG
I'm gonna start that again. "A number of boys she had met at Harvard and MIT in the past couple of years had been pecked to death by clockwork herons and a wigwam made out of melancholy when one day a couple of tuxedo wolves came around with the ukulele and a Theremin and they made a knitted carpet out of another emotion that's not melancholy, but is just as poignant, and it really makes you think, yeah? And Kate wore the scarf to the war trials of the rock badgers who had made forbidden smells near the candy-floss duchess".
GAV
I mean… Do you wanna go first and guess?
LOG
This is the bit… This is the passage that nearly felt like it was going to be a sex scene and I want you to tell me when it stops leading up to being a half-arsed sex scene and honk in when you think it's going to become a kind of half-arsed James Herbert horror book. "They talked a lot that night, which was unusual for him, for they had so little time and so much pulling at them. Kate"…
STEVE
"Pulling at them"?
LOG
Yeah.
GAV
That's the war trial.
LOG
"Kate noticed that he was partially undone in the trouser and he had started trying to squirm out a bit of foreskin"…
STEVE
Honk!
GAV
Honk!
LOG
…"as if to say 'Shall I get the rest out?' She squinted at him and champed her teeth as though to say, 'If that comes anywhere near my face, I'll have the fucker for breakfast, dinner and lunch!' He leapt to his feet and let his tongue"…
GAV
Sex.
LOG
…"slide out of his mouth before slamming his chin on the table and hurling his severed tongue at her. She cackled hysterically and tried with little luck to fit it under her eyelid. They be"… I've gone wrong. I've gone wrong.
GAV
This is good!
LOG
"They began tearing wet chunks from each other's buttocks"…
GAV
Oh!
LOG
…"and flung them into the fireplace where they crackled delightfully. He retrieved his tongue and sprang blood and incoherent grunts into the air. He evolved into his final form, a beautiful butter-free".
STEVE
"Butter-free"! Yes!
GAV
Awesome.
LOG
This one is where they're talking about the marriage of a lady and how the many ways in which it could go wrong…
STEVE
Ohh, so many ways.
LOG
…and I'd like to… you to buzz in when you think…
GAV
It's gone wrong.
LOG
My reading has gone wrong.
GAV
Okay.
LOG
"What if she marries the boy who works at the bank and he gets hit by a streetcar? What if she marries a blacksmith and his hands are rough against her milkyness?"
GAV
Mmmm.
LOG
"What if she marries an advertising executive and he discovers one evening that she has a compulsion for taxonomy and has been cataloguing live insects and she wakes one morning to find a tagged caterpillar"…
GAV
Honk.
STEVE
Honk.
LOG
…"walking in a carefree manner over her rosy but still milky baps?"
GAV
I like when we politely both honked. We were, like, "I.. I wanna win but I also wanna… I wanna hear what he says!"
STEVE
Yeah. A repetition of milky as well.
LOG
Yeah. "Milk - rosy, but still milky".
STEVE
Oh, okay. It's a call-back to milkyness…
LOG
Yeah, yeah.
STEVE
…rather than a repetition? Yeah.
LOG
Can you imagine what rosy milk looks like?
GAV
You were too busy thinking about your honk.
STEVE
Ohh. Oh, I can, it's like strawberry milk.
LOG
Strawberry milk. Yeah, yeah, lovely.
STEVE
I like that.
LOG
"I'd suck on them titties!"
STEVE
Whoa!
LOG
"You know that be the truth!" "'What if she marries a market trader whose stock is sub-par? What if she marries a navy man who struts around the garden like a manicured peacocks in a phalanx formation with an unseemly array of cheerful young men?' asked Kate. 'Yeah', replied Ross, 'and what if she marries a fat bloke? Imagine waking up and seeing a fat bloke's arseholes two inches above your nose".
• JINGLE •
"Regular Features Mexican Style"
LOG
And as Gav takes preparatory swig on a bottle of Heineken, it's time for Gavin Murphy's Regular Feature.
• FEATURE •
"Jaws Novelization Activities"
Written and Performed by
Gav Murphy
★ Rate This Feature ★
GAV
Who has seen the film Jaws?
STEVE
Never seen if before.
GAV
Are you serious?
STEVE
No, I've seen it.
LOG
It's not… It's not even a word.
GAV
Well, you… You haven't seen… You haven't seen some films though, so…
STEVE
That… Yeah, that is true. There … There are some films that I haven't seen.
LOG
Deny it. I dare you to denied that.
GAV
Didn't you say… Aren't you the one who hasn't… "the one!" who hasn't seen "Star Wars"?
STEVE
No, I said I think there's, like, most of one on the original three films I haven't seen.
GAV
Okay. Well, but that's different to what you told me.
STEVE
The bit was in the trees - I swear to God, I've never seen that bit before.
GAV
The "Return of the Jedi" bit?
STEVE
Dunno. Dunno who…
GAV
Ah! That was a trick! I thought you were just fronting up. "Yeah, I've totally never seen Star Wars before. I mean, you'd think 'cos I had a PC game as well". But I like the film "Jaws". It's probably my favourite film and I realised this sort of semi-thought - well, I don't read enough books so I'm gonna buy a lot of books and I thought well, where should I start with my favourite film, "Jaws", which I know is based on a novel, so I thought well, I'll buy that, but obviously I can't do anything right in the world. So, I've bought like…
STEVE
Is "Jaws"… Sorry, hang on, is "Jaws" based on a novel?
GAV
"Jaws" is based on a book by Peter Benchley, yeah.
STEVE
Oh.
LOG
I did not know that.
GAV
Yeah. I…
STEVE
I've realised that "Jurassic Park" is based on a book by…
GAV
A Michael Crichton film, yeah.
STEVE
Michael Crichton.
GAV
Crichton film of the same name!
STEVE
It's based on… It's based on the film by Michael Crichton about "Dinosaur Island".
GAV
Errm, but yeah, so I thought well, you know, I wanna read more books, I don't read enough books, I'll buy a book that I know I'll probably definitely like, because it's based on the film that I like. So I bought "Jaws" but I bought the spacker version. Err, can you say that?
LOG
It's got ten pages for the premiere.
GAV
It's… It's thirty-four pages long.
LOG
Well, is it summarized, or is that what it was?
GAV
Well, it's, like, … I… it looked… I think, you know, you look at the picture of it. I'll put… maybe put the picture up, but, like, …
STEVE
It's like the "Ladybird" version of it.
GAV
Yeah. It's called "Penguin Readers".
LOG
Ohhh!
GAV
But I didn't know what "Penguin Reader" was. I just thought it was a, like, …
LOG
Yeah, if… if you, you read books…
GAV
Yeah.
LOG
…you'd want a reader.
GAV
Err…
STEVE
Yeah.
GAV
But it's… Yes, basically, I mean it's for, like, special needs people, errm, who don't really know how to… but all like first language people as well.
LOG
For the… You've got your finger on a page that actually has a picture of a shark…
GAV
Oh, there's…
LOG
…in case they don't actually know what a shark is!
GAV
It's not just a picture of the shark, it's a still from the movie, but it's not a novelization, you know, 'cos you get those really shit novelizations sometimes that come out after…
STEVE
Yeah, yeah.
GAV
…films, like… I remember having…
STEVE
I had the novelization of "Ghostbusters"!
LOG
I… I had "Gremlins"…
GAV
Yeah.
LOG
…and "Auf Wiedersehen, Pet"!
GAV
I had "Judge Dredd" and the novelization from the "X-Files" episode "Tombs".
STEVE
I, errm, read the… "Forest Gump" is based on a novel.
GAV
Yes.
STEVE
I read that before I really understood the difference between books and films and I just… I was…
LOG
What did you expect when you opened the book?
STEVE
No, it was, it was, it was brought out after the film so it had the "Tom Hanks on a bench" on the cover.
GAV
Oh, so it was a…
LOG
Okay.
GAV
…It was based on a book, but then…
LOG
Yes, but the book was repackaged to capitalise on the film, yes.
GAV
…and repackaged, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like "Gatesby" has just been, been…
STEVE
Yes. And, like, "The Lord of the Rings" films they have, basically, scenes from "Lord of the Rings" on the covers now.
GAV
Yes. Yes, yeah, yeah.
LOG
It's a fairly common practice
GAV
Definitely, yeah.
STEVE
But that confused me cause I thought, "Oh, this… I've seen this film before. I was maybe, I was… I was quite young, maybe I was ten-years-old…
GAV
Yeah.
LOG
Oh, so you thought someone had turned it into a book…
GAV
Yeah.
LOG
…which is what happen with "Gremlins".
STEVE
Yes, so, famously what happened with "Gremlins".
GAV
And "Judge Dredd".
STEVE
But then, like, nothing in the book correlated to what I'd seen in the film and I was just deeply confused, constantly as a… 'cos I'd read the novelization of "Ghostbusters" and that pretty much, that…
GAV
It was, like, scene by scene!
STEVE
that matches it, word for word.
LOG
I loved at the end… I honestly think the end of one paragraph… one chapter of "Ghostbusters" ends with "We got one!"
STEVE
That's my favourite line.
GAV
That's not even…
STEVE
That's the turning point. That's the turning point of "Ghostbusters" as a company.
GAV
"We got one" is the entire chapter of what the… That's how short those chapters were in those novelizations.
LOG
"The phone rang on the desk, Janine Melnitz picks it up. 'We got one!' she screamed".
GAV
It's, like, this is what happened in the last chapter.
STEVE
"Things were about to change for the Ghostbusters!" - Chapter 22.
LOG
"From that point on, it would be a… an… an ongoing montage of success, until"…
STEVE
Well, that's immediately followed by the montage in which…
GAV
Yeah.
STEVE
…she gets sucked off by a ghost.
LOG
It's… Sucked up by a ghost, yeah.
GAV
To be clear, this isn't the novelisation of the film "Jaws", this is…
STEVE
What is it?
GAV
I guess like a truncated version of the novel "Jaws", based on the film, because there's loads of pictures and stuff in it, so I'd obviously just bought the wrong book, and it turned up and it was… it's so thin, like you can see the…
LOG
You could summarize it like that.
GAV
I mean, you could, but you wouldn't want to buy it.
LOG
Yeah, yeah, you're right, yeah.
GAV
Like, the most important part of this book is not only that it's thirty… "Book", Jesus Christ! This pamphlet… is not that it's thirty-four pages long, but at the end is activities, so it's obviously for like first readers or children or something like that. But it can't be for children because of what happens in the book.
STEVE
Jaws is an 18 rate film.
GAV
Err, it wasn't at the time. It was… I think it was a PG at the time. Yeah.
STEVE
Really?
LOG
But you didn't say anything happen, did you? It was all cut-away implication.
GAV
Well, there's a lot… There's a lot of, there's a lot of blood, errm…
LOG
Err…
GAV
…but yeah, it was a PG at the time, like, it…
STEVE
Swearing.
GAV
Yeah. Yeah there's a lot of swearing.
STEVE
"That fucking shark!" they would say, all the time.
LOG
"Shoot that fucking shark!"
GAV
"You mother-fuckers!" Errm, the first chapter is titled "Introduction". "Amity is a quiet town near New York, nothing happens there. One night a young woman goes for a swim in the sea, she doesn't come back. The next morning the police find her dead on the beach. Brody is a good policeman, and he thinks there's a shark near Amity. Young Matt Hooper says it's a Great White shark - the fish they call the 'man-eater'. Brody tries to close the beaches but the important people in Amity won't listen to him. Then, on a sunny afternoon, a young boy goes into the sea". That's the introduction, like, that's how… that's how the entire thing is written.
STEVE
That's the… That's the prologue to the film. It's…
GAV
Err, no, that's a lot of the film. Like, 'cos Hooper doesn't turn up 'til quite a long while into it. But that's, I mean, that's how the book goes pretty much. Errm, but at the end then, there's these activities, so if you read these thirty-four pages of fucking mental, err, then you who… have to do the activities and the activities are stuff like, err, "after you read, make sentences", and they just… and there's just a list of character's names and then what they might be and some of them are fucking brilliant. Alex Kintner is wrong about the shark. Tom Cassidy wants to close the beaches. Jack Foote works for a newspaper. Leonard Hendricks finds a dead woman. And you're meant to, I guess like match up…
STEVE
Oh, right.
GAV
…with that one, like.
STEVE
So everyone matches up to a, a thing that they've done.
GAV
To something, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Errm…
LOG
So, who finds a dead woman then?
STEVE
I could not answer any of those questions.
LOG
No, no. You see…
GAV
Not… Not…
LOG
…he hasn't read us the whole book!
STEVE
Yeah.
GAV
I mean I probably could, in fairness, and it wouldn't take very long. Errm, but some of… some of the activities are "Brody has a lot of problems with different people, what problems does he have with (a) Lawrence Fawn (b) Mrs Kidner (c) Harry Meadows". Like they… I mean, they all… You know, all the answers can be found in there.
LOG
I'm beginning to worry that you…
GAV
No, no, no.
LOG
…you haven't got it out for this, Gav!
GAV
I ha… No, I have. It's an activity that you're going to do.
LOG
Hooray!
GAV
Okay. Err, so, you're student A, Stephen.
STEVE
Yes.
GAV
You're student B, Log.
LOG
Hello.
STEVE
Reflects the scores that we usually get as students.
GAV
Err, it doesn't. Errm…
LOG
What do you call us sexy tree? Stud Ent! Hello?
LOG
I'm the… I guess, teacher? Like, I… in… in my head it was for kids, but then it's obviously not for kids, is it? I'm the teacher. You're gonna have a conversation and in sixty seconds, I'm going to grade you. Okay, so student A, Steve.
STEVE
Yeah.
GAV
"You are Brody".
STEVE
Yes!
LOG
The fucked one.
GAV
"You want to close the beaches".
STEVE
Mmmm.
LOG
Or question earlier, giveaway.
STEVE
Yeah, people are in danger.
GAV
Yeah, but this is, like, this is… this is advanced…
LOG
Alright, okay.
GAV
…in the activities.
STEVE
Oh, okay.
GAV
That was, like, number one, this is number ten. Errm, "You want to close the beaches, four people are dead, you know"…
LOG
"How do you convince them to close the beaches?"
GAV
…"you know that the shark will kill again"…
STEVE
How do I know that?
GAV
You know.
LOG
In your heart of hearts, …
STEVE
Yeah.
LOG
…Brody, you know this.
GAV
Okay. Log?
LOG
Yeah, what?
GAV
Student B.
LOG
I'm the mayor who wants Mardi Gras to go on!
GAV
"You are Vaughn, the mayor"!
LOG
Hey!
STEVE
Of course you are! You're always going to be the mayor.
LOG
"I'm not cancelling Mardi Gras for a fucking earthquake!"
GAV
Save this.
LOG
Okay, I'm sorry.
GAV
You won't be graded on anything that happens before.
LOG
Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.
GAV
"You are Vaughn. You want the beaches open on the fourth of July. It's an important holiday and the town will lose money. You think"… This is like "Animal Crossing"! "You think the shark is a long way out at sea now. Matt Hooper, shark expert, and Harry Meadows think the same".
LOG
Err, alright.
GAV
So, in sixty seconds, I'm gonna time this, you have to have a conversation and whoever makes the most convincing argument in sixty seconds wins.
STEVE
Okay, so…
LOG
"I'm gonna have to stop you there, Brody. This town's got a financial situation".
GAV
Okay.
LOG
"We really need the beach".
GAV
We'll… We'll hear… We'll hear the opening… opening arguments.
STEVE
Well, it's typical because I'm going purely on intuition, while the mayor, Vaughn, has the backing of not one, but two shark experts. I'm thinking…
GAV
One of them is not a shark expert, sorry.
LOG
"Brody, I'd be more than willing to listen to you if you could provide me with some evidence of your shark expertsy?"
GAV
Brody?
STEVE
"Well I'm no expert on sharks, but just look at these four dead bodies, Vaughn!"
GAV
Facts.
LOG
"Four dead bodies, that might not have been done by a shark? They're just lying there, they ain't talking".
GAV
Remember the shark experts are on your side as well.
LOG
"And the shark experts says it's not shark bites too".
STEVE
Well…
GAV
That's just lies!
LOG
"Well, so… so even if there is a shark coming back in, he's probably friendly".
STEVE
"Well, look just…you just need to look at the… the flipper stains".
LOG
"What? Get my shark expert. Are these flipper stains?"
GAV
"Why yes, I think they are!"
STEVE
"Flipper stains"!
LOG
"Brody, you may have saved a life tonight, you have identified flipper marks, on a dead woman. Close this beach!"
GAV
Okay, I'm gonna stop you there.
STEVE
Okay.
GAV
Errm, I mean, I'm gonna have to give it to Brody, because…
LOG
Why?
STEVE
We reached a resolution - don't make it a competition anymore!
GAV
No, no, no.
STEVE
It was a mutual resolution there.
LOG
The mayor and Brody have just… have just slumped to the floor!
STEVE
Mmmm. Making their own flipper stains!
GAV
Well, I'm glad the beaches are closed 'cos there is a shark out there…
LOG
Whey!
GAV
…'cos I've seen a picture of him on page thirty-four, and he looks pretty angry, but the reason that there is because you forgot that you had two shark experts standing behind you, that could have gone "What's that thing?"
LOG
Well, I did… I… I didn't forget, I called one of them in and if you remember, Gav, you actually did the voice for one of them!
GAV
No, I remember that but, I did… I did have to remind you, Log, that you had two shark experts there. I had to remind you of that fact.
LOG
Yeah, but I needed a glimmer of evidence from Steve first…
STEVE
But, hold on…
LOG
…when he brought up the flipper marks…
STEVE
That's true.
LOG
…I was quite ready to accept that.
STEVE
And then the shark expert said "Yes, they are flipper marks".
GAV
Yeah, I know.
LOG
I'm not going to consult my experts when any Brody just runs up to me and says "Close your beaches!" using my own voice!
GAV
Actually, I hadn't thought about that; but I'm glad the beach is staying closed 'cos, again, I did see the picture on page thirty-four and it looks pretty terrifying.
STEVE
That's not what happened in the film either. The beaches stayed open…
LOG
Well…
STEVE
…so we're changing the course of history now!
GAV
This is like "Quantum Leap"!
LOG
Are we… Are we ready to… Why haven't we jumped?
GAV
Are we leaping?
LOG
I hope if you can't read and you're using podcasts to make yourself feel a little bit better about yourself…
GAV
Let us know 'cos I'll send you this, 'cos it's a fucking waste, of a penny, which I paid for it.
STEVE
Yeah. Don't listen to this episode.
LOG
'Cos it was all…
GAV
All about books.
STEVE
'Cos it's very insulting to you.
GAV
It's too late for that now.
LOG
But I bet you're very strong, aren't you?
• JINGLE •
"Loving You"
CLOSING CREDITS ROLL