The Best At Bouncy Castles

7 : The Best At Bouncy Castles by Regular Features

Episode Call Sheet

Cast Member Feature Being Performed
Steve Hogarty "Steve's Favourite Fast Food French Fries Fever"
Jon "Log" Blyth "I Am The Best Top Trump"
Matt Lees "The Sexiest Times I've Been On Bouncy Castles"

Script

MATT
And those were some of the phone noises that our phones can make.
LOG
People don't do that enough these days.
MATT
No.
LOG
Buses are just not full of people going through their ringtones and I think it's a mess.
STEVE
Arr'woogah!
MATT
Arr'roogah!
LOG
So, Steve…
STEVE
It's a sound effect you don't hear often enough.
LOG
Steve, can you do an impression of the robot ringtone on an iPhone?
STEVE
Yes, it goes a little something like this.
LOG
I will come… Bleh. I will be playing it afterwards so you have to get it right.
STEVE
Okay, it goes, "Whah, whah, whah, WHARRR, whah, whah whah"!
LOG
Matt, do you care to have a go?
MATT
Errm, "blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah".
STEVE
Err, that was terrible.
MATT
I don't remember what it sounds like. I haven't got an iPhone - they're shit.
STEVE
I've literally just…
LOG
Well, I think it's "Blah, blah, blah, BLAHHH, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh"! The answer is…
MATT
It's very… It's going "Pah-pa-tar"!
LOG
Like he's telling you about a fart he did.
MATT
I think, like… you got the st… the right… the start bit right, Log, but then Steve did the second bit right. If we could merge those two together somehow then we would have the ultimate, errm, sound-a-like.
LOG
Good idea Matt Lees. I'll start, "Blah, blah, blah, BLAH"!
STEVE
"Bah, ba, barp!"
MATT
That was perfect! It was like somebody's phone was actually going off.
STEVE
What was the robot trying to communicate?
MATT
Err…
LOG
Why?
MATT
…love?
LOG
"Oh bloody hell, I shat myself!"
STEVE
I'm going to hear that every time my phone rings now.
MATT
"Fell in a hole, hurt my knee!"
LOG
"A woman came by and looked at my face!"
MATT
Right, that's too many noises.
LOG
Welcome to Regular Features! Who are you?
MATT
Hello, I'm Matt. I wish I'd discovered hair conditioner before I was eighteen, and we're joined by Steve.
STEVE
I'm Steve, and I'm wondering if you can still buy cassette recorders?
MATT
Mmmm.
LOG
My name's Jon Blyth and it's my prerogative to tell you nothing about myself!
STEVE
Welcome to the show!
LOG
Hello!
MATT
Excellent.
• FEATURE •
"Steve's Favourite Fast Food French Fries Fever"
Written and Performed by
Steve Hogarty
★ Rate This Feature ★
STEVE
Now it's time for Steve's Regular Feature.
LOG
Yes.
STEVE
"Steve's Favourite Fast Food French Fries… Frever… Fever" The… This is…
LOG
What's it called again, Steve?
MATT
Frever Fever?
LOG
It sounds brilliant, but I didn't hear a word of it.
STEVE
This is Steve's favourite fast-food French fries. Errm, I am a connoisseur of fast-food.
LOG
You are a massive… I… a fan of French fries. Walking back with you from McDonald's today, you did empty a paper cup of chips into your face at a zebra-crossing. It compromised the safety of everyone involved but you wouldn't even give a fuck!
MATT
We were about… We were gonna run and drag you… No, no, don't drag him.
STEVE
I know. I was wearing… I was wearing a McDonald's fried cup like a beak.
LOG
Just shaking your head like a dog with a toy, chips flying everywhere!
STEVE
I wasn't even enjoying the chips. I was just… just enjoying being a fat glutton!
LOG
Dominating them, and that's all that mattered.
STEVE
So, anyway, that's, err, that was Steve's favourite fast-food French fries, for you guys.
MATT
I disagree entirely.
STEVE
Well, fuck!
• JINGLE •
"Don't stop doing a big flop. Get your dick out, I'll kiss the top!"
• FEATURE •
"I Am The Best Top Trump"
Written and Performed by
Jon "Log" Blyth
★ Rate This Feature ★
LOG
At the heart of my Feature is a contentious statement…
MATT
Mmmm, hmmm.
LOG
…that I am the best…
MATT
Right.
LOG
…and I am willing to take you two on in categories of my choosing.
MATT
Is this so…
STEVE
Ohh!
MATT
Is this like… Is this like "Top Trumps" where you… you bring up the… the categories and the numbers and then we just go "Oh, fuck. I've got"…
LOG
Yeah, but I've drawn the "Top Trump" cards. I've drawn pictures of you and you've got a bum for a face and no numbers by your scores.
MATT
Ahhh. You've got no numbers, not even low numbers?
LOG
Well, you write in your numbers, but under my scrutiny.
STEVE
Oooh!
LOG
That's how this feature works.
MATT
Shit.
STEVE
In your weighty scrutiny.
MATT
But what are the categories?
LOG
Well, first…
STEVE
Your hairy scrutiny.
LOG
My…
MATT
I've just realised…
STEVE
Hairy scrutiny.
LOG
Hair scrutiny.
STEVE
It sounds a bit like scroat.
MATT
It does.
LOG
Yes.
STEVE
Like, scrotum.
LOG
Yeah.
LOG
As in…
MATT
Oh, oh, really? Is scroat… Oh, is that an abbreviation for scrotum?
STEVE
I never… I just… I've noticed that now the phrase "in"… "under scrutiny" sounds really funny.
MATT
"Under scrutiny".
LOG
"Delving into the underscroat with Steve Hogarty".
STEVE
"Thicket".
MATT
"Could I interest you in coming under scrutiny, sir?"
LOG
Okay, fir… Round one. Who is the best at trampolines? I think I am the best at trampolines. What's your best trick you've done on a trampoline?
MATT
Oooh, err… This is embarrassing. Errm, I… I was really bad at trampolining when I was at school. I only did it once and, errm, at the time I had a really bad thing with my sinuses, errm, and I had, like, really bad catarrh and it was fucking up my ears and head and all that and it meant, I think, my ability to deal with spatial movements went mental and just… just moving up and down made me feel…
STEVE
Spatial movements?
MATT
Spatial movements.
STEVE
As opposed to…
MATT
As opposed to just…
STEVE
…moving through time?
MATT
But, yeah. Yeah, we didn't.
STEVE
What sort of fucked up trampolines did you have at your school?
LOG
Final round. Who had the most tight foreskin when they are twelve? And that is a good thing!
MATT
That's…
STEVE
How is that a good thing?
MATT
How is that good?
LOG
'Cos it stops you washing under it and you get NSU and you get a really itchy cock that's good for a week for wanking but then it starts getting a bit weird.
MATT
Oh, fucking hell!
LOG
Having an itchy bellend is alright for a wank until it turns into something more serious!
MATT
Yeah. No, I… I… I've been there, in different ways, but err…
STEVE
It's a very common thing.
LOG
Gonorrhoea?
MATT
Err, yeah, I've had that. Yeah, I've had a couple of, errm, different interesting, err…
LOG
Alright, how did they cure your gonorrhoea, Matt, 'cos I had it done in two different ways?
MATT
Ohhh, how did they cure it? I think it was just medicine.
LOG
They just shout… They just shouted at your bellend until it was alright again.
MATT
I dunno. I didn't… I wasn't intentional, but…
LOG
Mine was… Well I had one that was… Sorry, I'm just talking over you.
MATT
That's fine. It's fine.
LOG
One was a jab in the bum and it also cleared up my gingivitis, so brilliant!
MATT
Double whammy!
MATT
Well, I don't know, I just… I… I can… managed to contract a… a number of things at university and I wasn't… I wasn't particularly prolific. I think I was just maybe drunk and stupid or something. I don't… I don't really remember. But anyway, errm, yeah, they just give you pills, it's great. The best one is chlamydia, because if you're a woman then you are in serious trouble, but if you're a man they just give you a pill. You take the pill and then that's it.
LOG
Wow.
MATT
It's gone in, like, two days.
LOG
Fucking maleness rules!
MATT
It's, like, "Hey! Who gives a shit about chlamydia?" Unless you're a woman in which case you might be in serious trouble. But, errm, what other…
STEVE
I've… I've been very quiet in this conversation because my genitals are clean.
MATT
Hey! Mine are clean but, you know…
LOG
How?
MATT
…showers don't wash away that shit, Steve.
LOG
What was…
MATT
Get to a doctor!
LOG
Did you not have anything wrong with your foreskin at all?
STEVE
No, I had normal foreskin.
LOG
No! God, what am I saying? It's… It's a boon! I'm… I am phrasing this all wrongly, I'm supposed to be the best.
MATT
I remember my parents asking me at one point, I think. I… I must have been quite young because, err, it was in Guildford and I… I left Guildford when I was about nine. I do remember my mum or my dad, I think it was my mum saying, you know, "Oh, you know, do you have any, you know, trouble with the bit at the front of your willy when you go to the toilet?"
LOG
Oh, God!
MATT
I think 'cos it's just that thing of maybe, you know, they just… just want to check that they don't need to get any sort of surgery or whatever and I was, like, "I dunno", and I do remember for a few years thinking…
LOG
Don't! Just check it was alright 'cos "Have you having any trouble with the end of your willy because if you are we'll cut it off for you"!
STEVE
Ohh, God!
MATT
Can we… Well, I don't… I don't want to end your Feature, Log. I don't want to feel like I'm hurrying your Feature. I just think maybe we should stop talking about sexual diseases and penis injuries?
STEVE
Yeah.
LOG
Okay.
• JINGLE •
"Instrumental - Flute"
• FEATURE •
"The Sexiest Times I've Been On Bouncy Castles"
Written and Performed by
Matt Lees
★ Rate This Feature ★
MATT
Alright, now it's time for my Feature. It was initially going to be a Feature called "Most Commonly Misunderstood Vegetables of Western Culture" but, errm we started thinking about…
LOG
Can I… One second… I just want to reiterate that I won the last round, yeah?
MATT
Err, the what… What, the… the quiz about you being amazing?
LOG
That I'm the best, yeah.
MATT
Well, I think anyone who purposefully engineers a Feature about how great they are is just fucking disgraceful.
LOG
Oh, deconstruction is well ugly, Matt. Go on, do your shit.
MATT
Alright, yeah. No, you.. you did… you did win.
STEVE
Deconstructing is not very becoming of you, Matt.
LOG
Yeah.
MATT
It wasn't…
LOG
I thought better of you…
MATT
It wasn't deconstructing, it was self…
LOG
…than to take away… to.. to strip away the… the rules.
MATT
I didn't know there were rules!
LOG
"I don't know what I was saying!"
MATT
"Nobody knows what you're saying!"
LOG
Matt! Matt! Matt!
MATT
"Nobody knows what any of us was saying!"
STEVE
Fine, you won! Do your Feature! Do your Feature!
MATT
You won. You just won, alright? Jesus, Log. Just… You won. You always win. You win at everything!
LOG
I won! I won.
MATT
I hate you, Log. So, instead, errm, I'm going to do, errm, a Feature I have now scrawled on… It was going to be called "The Sexiest Times That I've been On A"… Actually, yeah, I'm just going to call it that. It's not going to be accurate, but it's a better. Welcome to "The Sexiest Times I've Been On Bouncy Castles". Now, bouncy castles are brilliant, errm, and I didn't really appreciate that until I was maybe too old to be on them. Errm, especially when I started to…
STEVE
When you think of a bouncy castle, what colour is it in your head?
MATT
Yellow.
LOG
Red and yellow.
STEVE
Red and yellow?
MATT
Yeah. Precisely. It's just because that's what they are.
STEVE
Yeah.
MATT
Errm, but, however, I am aware that, occasionally, I do or say things which are genuinely a bit mental and worrying.
STEVE
And that was Matt's Regular Feature - err, "Sexiest Or Not"…
MATT
Sexiest, errm, yeah.
STEVE
Err, "Times On A Bouncy Castle".
MATT
No, it might not have been that sexy for… for you guys, but it was very sexy for me.
STEVE
Err, that was… Err, this is our show. That was our show, Regular Features, and that was the end of it.
MATT
That's the end.
STEVE
Err, I think…
LOG
Bye. Oh, sorry.
STEVE
Why, were you…
MATT
Like us on the Facebook. Err, do us on the Facebook.
STEVE
Can you do…
LOG
Well, …
STEVE
Do a Facebook on us?
LOG
…are we on Facebook now?
STEVE
And, also… No.
MATT
You just broke the fucking wall.
STEVE
I will.
CLOSING CREDITS ROLL