The Rules of the Playground Dicks

8 The Rules of the Playground Dicks by Regular Features

Episode Call Sheet

Cast Member Feature Being Performed
Steve Hogarty "Steve's Gym Rules"
Jon "Log" Blyth "Law Of The Playground"
Matt Lees "Desert Island Dicks"

Script

LOG
Welcome to Regular Features, we've got a barrel of laughs for you.
MATT
Ah, that was wonderful Log! Ohh…
STEVE
That was the best introduction we've had so far.
MATT
Oh, I'm just… Ahh… I'm vibrating just thinking about it. Errm…
LOG
I… I never realised how sexy I could sound.
MATT
Spectacular!
LOG
Play that back to me.
MATT
You'll have to go home and rethink your life. Errm, yeah, errm, we've got Steve Hogarty.
STEVE
Hello, I'm Steve Hogarty, just like he said it.
MATT
Yep, just like I said it, and that was Log singing you a wonderful intro.
LOG
And I recently… until very recently, I thought Steve Hogarty was pronounced Hogarty but that's because the iPhone says it back to me that way and my iPhone corrected, incorrectly, my thinking about his name.
MATT
Ah.
LOG
My name's not that at all, it's Jon Blyth. Hello! People call me Log.
MATT
And err, my name's Matt Lees and I've been… err, I've got a new phone. But I got a new phone the same time that all the new iPhones came out and it's rubbish because nobody gives a fuck about my new phone because it's not an iPhone.
LOG
Was it… Galaxy what?
MATT
Yes, it's a Galaxy S2. I've given up now. People just go "What's that?" and I go "It's a phone" and they go "Oh, right. Yeah".
STEVE
Yeah.
LOG
It's got a nice big screen though.
MATT
It's fucking massive.
STEVE
It was, err "Look… look what Siri can do!" You're "Alright!" "Urrr, I can send text messages on my phone!"
LOG
"I can put me phone between my bum and walk… walk around with it."
MATT
My phone can do everything fucking Siri can do, it just hasn't got a name. It just isn't called Siri.
LOG
And it doesn't get everything fucking wrong…
MATT
This is what I have to put up with.
LOG
…and insult your intelligence like Siri does.
STEVE
Anyway, now it's time for Regular Features!
LOG
Regular Features!
• JINGLE •
"Instrumental - Flute"
• FEATURE •
"Steve's Gym Rules"
Written and Performed by
Steve Hogarty
★ Rate This Feature ★
STEVE
I forgot the thing…
LOG
Am I allowed a…
STEVE
…I usually say at the start of all of my Fea.. I…
LOG
What, have you got…
STEVE
Now it's time for Steve's Regular Feature, "Steve's Gym Rules"
LOG
Have you got a catchphrase?
STEVE
Yeah.
LOG
Have you been we… working a catchphrase into this?
STEVE
It's really… It's really subtle. I always say "Now it's time for Steve's Regular Feature", or do I say "my Regular Feature"?
MATT
Well, I don't know! You're the one with the fucking catchphrase.
STEVE
Okay. But now it's time for my Regular Feature, "Steve's Gym Rules". This is because Matt, err, joined, err, the gym recently. It's not any gym, it's my gym. It's the gym that I go to, and Matt…
MATT
Well, I mean, I've been to the gym before, as well, but I think we were going to the gym at the same time before you joined, when we were both on the free-pass.
STEVE
Matt, basically, wants to cop an eyeful of my dick!
LOG
I will… I will say that this gym - I was a member of this gym while you were on day-passes, but you wouldn't know about it because I don't go. I'd pay fifty quid a month to not bother.
STEVE
You could flash your membership card around?
LOG
Well, yes, that's… I think that's where we're going with your thing, aren't we?
MATT
It's very strange.
LOG
Yeah.
MATT
Anyway, do you have any more tips for me, Steve?
STEVE
I've got one more tip. That's err, tip number five. No bumming! Okay, it is no secret…
MATT
This is just… just…
STEVE
It's…
MATT
Anywhere in the gym, or just everywhere?
STEVE
Well, let me go… Let me…
MATT
Alright, sorry.
STEVE
It is no secret that we both enjoying bumming, Matt, but under no circumstances may you gaze lustfully at my pert buttocks as my towel falls to the floor at my feet, and, as my cheeks glisten with beads of hot, anticipatory sweat, you must never whip your own towel away to reveal your engorged member, before striding purposefully towards me and growling "Get ready for the bumming of your life, Steve!" But, before I can answer you're already upon me. I gasp, "What are you doing, Matt? I explicitly said no bumming!" But, before I can protest further, you've come all up in my guts and… and "Jolene" by Dolly Parton was playing on the radio and I can never listen to it again without crying.
MATT
Errm, but I… I think I should be able to stick to that rule without too many problems.
STEVE
Okay.
• JINGLE •
"Titty Bum"
• FEATURE •
"Law Of The Playground"
Written and Performed by
Jon "Log" Blyth
★ Rate This Feature ★
LOG
I've got a Feature that is ready for you. I say that, I haven't done any preparation first. I am embarrassed.
MATT
Well, I think you're allowed to not have done any preparation because, I mean, Steve has done no preparation for, like, any of the podcast…
LOG
This is… Hang on…
MATT
and Gavin's rarely ever here so…
STEVE
I've got…
LOG
Yes.
STEVE
…five concrete for not…
MATT
Yeah, I mean, you did a…
LOG
Now that's…
MATT
…you did a really good job this week and, I mean, keep that sort of thing up.
STEVE
And Log's literally done nothing.
MATT
Well, I…
LOG
I would say… I'm going to say that this… I've done twelve years' preparation for this 'cos it's on a web-site that I started ages ago and I've recently redesigned and put back on the internet and I'm using this as a platform to plug it!
STEVE
Ah.
MATT
Well, that seems entirely reasonable. It's our podcast, we can do whatever the fuck we want.
STEVE
This… This is… This is a web-site…
LOG
It's called… Yes?
STEVE
…that you abandoned…
LOG
I didn't abandon it.
STEVE
…probably with good reason.
LOG
Yeah. Yeah, you do leave things behind for reasons, don't you? And then, to go back to them, could be seen as a… a regressive step. It's why… It's why horses don't turn around and scoff a shit they did four years ago. They go and dig it up with their hooves.
MATT
So yeah, tell us about your web-site that you're plugging.
LOG
It's called "Law of the Playground" and it's a juvenile dictionary of… Nah, I got it wrong. It's a dictionary of playground insults, slang and that.
STEVE
Did you say "Jew"?
MATT
Fuck yeah, man, fuck yeah.
STEVE
So, is that you're Regular Feature?
LOG
I think it's done, isn't it?
MATT
Do the… Do the web address again so people can go to it. It's really good.
LOG
lawoftheplayground.com
MATT
Yeah, and don’t get, like,… Don't get bogged down by mine and Steve's clearly depressing childhoods. Errm…
LOG
That…
MATT
You should just go to it. It's good.
LOG
Well, yeah, if you have had a depressing childhood that's probably good fodder, just remember to put a joke on it.
STEVE
I… I think…
MATT
Yeah, just make it funny.
STEVE
I think my… my childhood was good. It's got the thing with the A's and the rugby man.
MATT
We got there in the end, but when you started talking about the "A" stuff it was so kind of, like, "Well, there was this time…", I was really worried…
LOG
There was no way out of it.
MATT
…you was gonna be, like, you know, you were gonna be sexually abused or beaten at some point, or something.
STEVE
Well, you know, it's… it's… one part of my life that I can…
LOG
And that's when you first… That's when you first sank into an A-hole!
STEVE
No. It's the only part of my life that I can legitimately describe as Kafkaesque.
LOG
I have a similar…
MATT
As a writer, that's useful.
LOG
I got told off once for spelling the word "computer program" without the "M E" on the end…
STEVE
Oh!
LOG
…which is how you fucking spell it, Mr Brewer! And, I wasn't sniffing glue, it was a fucking Pritt-Stick!
• JINGLE •
"Goldfinger"
• FEATURE •
"Desert Island Dicks"
Written and Performed by
Matt Lees
★ Rate This Feature ★
MATT
Right, so it's time for my Feature now. My Feature is quite simple - I was having a shower this morning and I… the following words came into my head. "Hello, and welcome to Desert Island Dicks. Now today we're joined by the Regular Features podcast crew to choose their desert island dicks" And the… the premise is really that you are trapped on a desert island, forever, with people who are just called Richard.
LOG
Okay.
MATT
Errm, there's a variety already there and you have to choose which one you'd like to bring with you. Now I'd just like to say, before you go ahead and make a choice, you should be very careful and think about the potential impact of these choices because, I mean, you may have seen, err, programme… television programmes such as "Lost" or you may have read the book "The Lord of the Flies".
STEVE
We're castaway.
LOG
"The Law of the Playground" you say?
MATT
Castaway!
LOG
Sounds like a great book, I'd buy that!
CLOSING CREDITS ROLL